Why Oh Why, Somebody Tell Me Why.

[sunstreet]

I feel so angry at my partner. Why did she have to leave me? Didn't she love me, love us? I just woke in a horrible fear state and wondered why my partner wasn't there next to me. I called out for her. I went looking for her, couldn't find her, then it hit me...she is gone. Am I going crazy? I need her now, I need to be held. I am frightened to face cancer without her. Learning I have endometrial cancer has served as a catalyst for the loss of my children to come to the surface again. I had three children, I miscarried my first son at 8 months after being beaten by the man I was married to. My second son was still born. My daughter only lived three days. Why did I marry that man I was gay. Oh but to be gay in the family I was born into was sinful, not allowed. I was raised by violent alcholics, and married a violent alcholic, I was so young, I was just a child really.

I would jump right out of my body if I could. I ache with sorrow. I keep going to the moment of discovering my partner dead. I can't get it out of my mind. Why, oh why. If I climbed the tallest mountain, stood there on the top and screamed at the top of my lungs for the rest of my life it would not even begin to express the pain that I feel.

Just can't stop weeping.

Sunstreet

[niamh]

Sunstreet, I wish I had the answers, I wish we could all be given the answers on why we have to endure the pain of death. I can't even begin to imagine dealing with a loss from suicide, you have so many added questions that I don't have and I am so sorry for that extra load on your mind.

You are definitely not going crazy, grief sure does make you feel like it though doesn't it. But no, know that all that you feel, all the questions, the searching, the longing, the aching (the list never ends) is all so normal.

I am so sorry for the loss of you children, that is so much loss and grief and you are only 1 person with only 1 heart.

I am sorry too for the tough life you have had to endure, it's not fair ....that is such an understatement I know.

I agree, there really is no way to fully express the pain is there, words are not enough, screaming is not enough, there is nothing in this earthly world that can truly describe this pain.

weep away, cry away, there is nothing at all wrong with that. You are perfectly entitled to. I just wish I knew what to say, that there was something one could say to ease this.

all I have to offer is an ear/eye to listen,

sending some love, comfort and peace your way.

niamh

[Korina]

Every time I relive those 3 days in the hospital, it brings me to my knees. So while my situation is not the same, there are similarities. I guess we all have our own path to travel, and from your posts here, it sounds to me like you have an inner strength that will help you through all of the grieving and with cancer. I have no doubt that your partner and your 3 darling babies will give you all the strength they can, from wherever they are now (I know it feels like it is not enough, but there is not much we can do about it).

Let yourself cry and feel the pain and anger - it helps us face the reality and acknowledge our love - at least that is how I look at our situations.

Korina

[sunstreet]

Niamh,

Thank for your post. Thank you for your empathy. Niamh, you have said just the right things. I agree words alone can not describe the pain. One thing that happens to me when I feel a surge/overwhelming emotional pain, is that I also feel frightened, I think that is a symptom of how I was raised. I also offer and eye/ear to listen.

Sunstreet.

[sunstreet]

Korina, I am just so sorry for your loss. The pain is similar. I do have an inner strength. I am grateful for that and suprisingly I think it was born out of having to survive my life, or letting it lead to my demise. Thank you for reminding me of it.

Sunstreet