Grandma Passed Away

[Nelly_]

My grandma has been in a comma for the past month after having a stroke. She was immediately taken to the ICU and no one was allowed to see her. About a week ago she woke up for two days then went back to the comma. During that time her doctor allowed my mother and aunties to see her for a while. My grandma wanted to see me but I was out of town and when I got back she was back in that comma. Today she passed away and I didn't get to see her and my father wouldn't let me see her in the hospital and said that I'd better remember my grandma the way she was and not how she looks now. It kills me that I didn't get to see her and I haven't been able to see her for almost two months now. I just never thought that she would pass away. I thought that she'd get better and leave hospital. I know its very naive but she's my grandmother, I loved her so much and I know how special I was to her. And right now I feel so guilty and angry at myself for not seeing her and saying goodbye when she wanted to see me. I thought about not going to the funeral, and honestly I think if I went there it'd really hit me that she's gone and that I'd never see her again and I'd never hold her. I'm sorry I'm writing too much It's just, I've never had to deal with death before and it breaks my heart that I know have to deal with her death without even seeing her one last time....

She always saw something in me that nobody else saw. She's always tell everyone what a successful woman I'm going to be and how beautiful I am and stuff like that. Tho my other cousins are much prettier than me. She always encouraged me in her own way and she'd always be there when I needed her and when she needed me I wasn't there. It makes me realize how wrong she was about me cause if she was right I would've been there for her. I just don't know what to think or what to do and I'm so confused and angry and bitter.

[sunstreet]

Dear Nelly_

I am so sorry that your Grandma has died. I know how much pain you must be in. I am sorry that you had to be out of town and weren't able to see your Grandma. I am sure your Grandma understands. I am sorry that your Father decided for you and that you did not get to see her after she died.

It sounds like you and your Grandma had a very special bond and love. That bond and love the two of you shared will be with you always. I know because I too had a Grandma like yours who saw something in me that no-one else could or wanted to see. Your Grandma planted a seed of self-worth in you that you can continue to feed and nourish just like your Grandma would if she were still here. I know she would want that for you.

I am so sorry that your Gramdma's death caused you to come looking for us but I want to welcome you and tell you that we all understand and we all know how much pain you are in because we have all been there.

Please don't feel you need to apologize for how much or how often you come here. That is why we are here to console one another and help one another along this path of grief and loss.

My heart reaches out to you for I too had a very special Grandma and I hope it encourages you to know that I still feel her love and the bond we shared and actually now that I am all grown up, the bond and love is even stronger.

Keep coming here it helps.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[niamh]

Nelly,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear grandma and that you had not seen her for a while.

You are absolutely not writing too much at all. Nothing naive about what you were thinking either, it's too hard to grasp that someone will actually leave us, I don't think you can ever really be prepared for it all, no matter how much is known beforehand, when it actually hits there is an enormous shock.

I'm so sorry you feel guilty but it's normal, and feeling confused, angry, bitter, they are all absolutely normal reactions and feelings to losing someone so just know that. It's so difficult to be without someone who encourages us, I too am lost without my Dad for that, because nobody else can replace that person and encourage us like they did. Your Grandma had her special way just like my Dad and it's one HUGE hole to be left in this world without them.

I hope that just reading and writing here you will find maybe some tiny comfort just seeing that others can relate to you, none of us can know exactly how you feel, exactly what you are going through but sometimes some of us can say yeah I get it, it makes sense to us and we can relate is some way.

sending a hug and some comfort to you,

Niamh