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Feel Like I Have Lost My Family

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Today was another bad day. Not sure why - yesterday was so good. Cleaning the headstones yesterday while I talked to Grandma made me feel so close to her. Today was just - sad. At one point it hit me that with the exception of my husband and children - Grandma was my family. She was my mom, Grandma, best friend all rolled up into one. She showed me a joy that I have never seen any where else. Beyond the loss of Grandma I just feel that I have lost my family.

My mom and I have a very different relationship. We are more like strained sisters. We are very different personality wise - we have very different lives. I know I bore her. I know when she does call me - and at times I have gone months without getting a phone call from her - she only does calls because she feels guilty. She really doesn't listen when we are on the phone together. Now - you may think we live in different states - no - we live 20 miles from each other. She doesn't come to my house to visit. In the past - the only time she would stop by was to pick up my Grandma because I would take her for a day and she would pick her up and take her home at night (at the end my aunt and mom took turns taking care of my Grandmother).

My brother - well - he is sort of like my oldest child - but not. I moved in with my mom when I was 10 years old (lived with Grandma up until then) - and when I was 11 he was born. I became the babysitter. I admit I wasn't all that nice to him when he was young - but I do love him. My brother really isn't close to anyone in the family. He keeps to himself a lot.

My father - I have no clue who he is. I don't even know if my mother knows who he is. My Grandfather died before I was born. My aunts and uncles - well - I rarely see them. Same is true with my cousins.

So here we are - with my world being shattered with the loss of my beautiful Grandma, but I also feel like I have lost all my family. All connections with my past. I don't know - like I said - it is a bad day.

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