Not Even Sure Anymore

[Babypod]

I don't even know what I am doing anymore. I am just so overwhelmed by everything. My husband has been working out of state since April 1st. Grandma died April 11th. I have been alone up here with the kids - 4 of them - one of which is autistic - ranging from 4-11 years of age. I just can't take it any more. I feel like my life is in shambles. Nothing looks the same anymore. I don't go for walks or go jogging anymore. I love my children - but I don't like them very much right now (that really makes me sound evil). I have one more week to pack this house up before we move 1400 miles away and I have no motivation. People keep stopping by to say "goodbye" and I don't even want to answer the door. Today I actually shut off the TV and hid from someone (we made it a game hiding in my bedroom). These people aren't my friends - they are clients that I used to follow. They come over to see what we are not taking with us because they know I will just give them stuff.

I don't know - there is just so much to do and I don't even know where to start. I don't want to move away. Right now I am 10 miles from my Grandma's house. I can make sure it doesn't get destroyed right now. I can go over there any time I want and feel her. Right now I am 15 miles from her grave. I can feel close to her now. I don't want to go away. She was the reason we moved back her 10 years ago. When my husband got this job she was still alive - and I will admit I knew we were going to have to leave but I didn't want to leave my Grandma. The last time I spoke to her she told me how much she was going to miss me. . . . I wish I had told her how much I was going to miss her.

My kids are non stop fighting. I work to pack/clean one room while they are writing on the walls and undoing everything I did in another room. I feel like I am just this SCREAMING monster instead of the mom that my Grandma taught me to be. I know if she could see me know she would be so disappointed. I just can't deal with it anymore. I have lost the one person I was closest to in this world - I just don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to deal with any of this anymore. I want Grandma back so bad. My mind can't even comprehend the fact that she is gone.

I just want it all over with . . .

Angel

[Guest Nicholas]

Grief makes one do strange things, I am constantly talking rubbish to my son and repeating phrases and if anyone heard me, they would want me sectioned. I don't know what else to say other than hang on in there, the pain of losing my parents and grandparents did subside and I am sure it will in your case.

Nicholas

[niamh]

oh Angel,

what an enormous heavy load you have added to the loss of your Grandma. I wish I could give you the biggest hug right now, here's a virtual one (((((((((())))))))))))))).

You have so much on your plate and I wish there was a way to make it all easier. I really feel for you having to move so far away SO SOON, that is another massive loss in itself.

Absolutely nothing wrong with any of how you feel hun & personally I think your Grandma is well proud of you, I'd like to believe she knows and completely understands the burden you are carrying right now.

I can't write I know exactly how you feel because I don't, I don't want to say it will get easier bla bla bla because right now you feel you want it all over and that's a perfectly valid feeling, I can relate to it because many times I could have written those words myself, the pain is beyond description and right now it's SO new to your entire body, mind, heart and soul, it's a major shock to your system. So all I can say is that there's nothing wrong with any of how you feel and all you can do is be so very gentle with yourself and take tiny baby steps when you can. There are no magic words or magic list of what to do to make this better, easier and so on.

Have you any friends who can help out with the packing or even looking after the kids while you do the packing ? You have so much to do and right now doing all this kind of thing is not just "normal" anymore, it's overwhelming as you say, the tiniest thing can be difficult to do so when you're faced with the enormity of packing to move, there is a tremendous amout of emotional draining going on and right now life is far from normal so it's difficult to do these "normal" things.

Of course your mind can't grasp that she's gone, I still have days where I feel shell shocked, sometimes i'm not sure we ever truly grasp is because the reality is we really don't know what death actually is for sure (taking faith out of the equation). I think the reality of losing your Grandma is something that seeps in little by little because it's too much for anyone's mind to take all at once and while it's seeping in it just takes it toll on every single aspect of your being ........which is why it's always good that you be gentle and kind to yourself.

My Heart goes out to you Angel yet I know there's nothing can take away the pain and frustration. All I can do is send you an ((((extra large hug)))), lots of love and comfort,

Niamh

xo

[2sweetgirls]

First of all, I want to say that you do NOT sound evil about how you are feeing. You are going thru one of the most, if not the most, terrible times in your life. Losing your grandma is horrible and a shell shocker enough without everything else going on.

I can relate to the frustration with your children. There is a lot of breathing and counting to 10 in my house, on my part. As far as packing, just something that popped into my head as I was reading your post, maybe you can pack a room and then lock the door so the kids don't reverse what you just worked so hard doing thus adding to your frustration. Also, maybe you can talk to the older ones so they can keep the younger ones busy for a while. Bribe them - do whatever it takes. Desperate times call for desperate measures. It won't be like this forever. As Niamh said, do you have anyone who can help you? Even just a few hours?

My heart breaks for you. I wish you well. Lots of hugs to you, Angel.

As far as your grandma being disappointed.......I'm sure she is not. She understands that this is difficult and that she knows you are doing the best you can. She loves you and will eternally be proud of you.

Please hang in there.

2sweetgirls

[Babypod]

Thank you everyone. I am trying to pack the best I can. I don't have a lot of close friends - never have - my husband and my Grandma were my close friends. My mom is usually too busy to do much. It will all be OK - just overwhelmed. Can't wait until all of this is over. I knew that these couple of months were going to be hard - with Nick in Florida - but we didn't anticipate Grandma going - in fact I had quit my job to help take care of her these couple of months and unfortunately she didn't last more than 10 days.

Yesterday was a rough one. I was packing up the kitchen when my 8 year old informed me that there was something wrong with my son's hamster. To make a long story short - my 4 year old was holding him and saw he had a poo hanging out of his butt - she decided to try to help him by squeezing him - and well - she killed him. I can't wait until this is all over so I can be a parent again.