2sweetgirls

BellaRosa, I am so sorry to read that you and all the others feel the same way as I do. I put on a smile in front of others most of the time but, if I get asked about my parents, sometimes the flood gates open and I can't control myself. These days I can change the subject and move on. Such an interesting choice of words "move on"...... This morning I thought I was alone while in the shower and I just let loose sobbing, quietly so i wouldn't wake up the girls. My husband walked into the bedroom and heard me. Of course he is supportive but, I just feel like a broken record sometimes. That is why I love this site and all of you for always being here. I have one friend who actually has the courage to ask me how I'm doing. I can feel the smile and the color wash away from my face but I appreciate her genuine concern. She asks because she really wants to hear the answer - good, bad or ugly. She knows I'm having a hard time but I am trying to deal with it the best I can. Actually, I keep really busy with the kids at home, activities, running around and all. It's when I stop moving or when i'm driving that is when it hits me all over again. Anyway, sadly, you are not alone. Peace, love and hugs to you all. 2sweetgirls

Dearest Their Youngest, I am so very sorry for the loss of both your parents so close together. I lost my mother 11/09 and dad 10 months later 10/10. It is still surreal sometimes. You have had 2 traumatic experiences so close together. Of course you want the world to stop. Being further into my grief, I still want the world to stop sometimes. Unfortunately, as more time goes on, I feel more and more that I have to push the grief down into my gut and "deal with it" on my own. Don't get me wrong, it's not as bad as the beginning but, the waves still come unexpectantly. I think it was nice, although extremely tough, that you got to honor both of you parents together. I have 2 children and of course I would want them to move on after I'm gone but, simply, that is only possible in one's own time. Be kind to yourself and don't rush it. You are not expected to get over it. People are extremely uncomfortable with a grieving person so many wrong things are said. Please keep coming here when you can. I would be in a completely different place without this site and the wonderful sense of family and comfort I feel from all it's members. Peace, love and a great big HUG to you. 2sweetgirls PS. I am their youngest too.

First of all, I want to say that you do NOT sound evil about how you are feeing. You are going thru one of the most, if not the most, terrible times in your life. Losing your grandma is horrible and a shell shocker enough without everything else going on. I can relate to the frustration with your children. There is a lot of breathing and counting to 10 in my house, on my part. As far as packing, just something that popped into my head as I was reading your post, maybe you can pack a room and then lock the door so the kids don't reverse what you just worked so hard doing thus adding to your frustration. Also, maybe you can talk to the older ones so they can keep the younger ones busy for a while. Bribe them - do whatever it takes. Desperate times call for desperate measures. It won't be like this forever. As Niamh said, do you have anyone who can help you? Even just a few hours? My heart breaks for you. I wish you well. Lots of hugs to you, Angel. As far as your grandma being disappointed.......I'm sure she is not. She understands that this is difficult and that she knows you are doing the best you can. She loves you and will eternally be proud of you. Please hang in there. 2sweetgirls

Thank you, Niamh, for that song. I read the words and tried to listen to the whole thing but, choked and teared up at the "you're gone now" part. Maybe someday I"ll be strong enough. Can't even imagine that day. Hugs and peace to you, Niamh, and all. 2sweetgirls

Sure. She said "my father's birthday is June 25th.". (My mom's bday was May 25th.) Then there was no mention of anything else. On this site, we talk a lot about others being uncomfortable with our loss. I found myself very uncomfortable at that moment. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this also.

Thank you, Niamh. I don't know about you but, on those special days, I just remember it silently or actually talk to them. That way I won't be further disappointed in people and humanity. I might be crazy but, I talk to my parents out loud often. I feel like they are around me - I feel them.

Hello Ashley, First let me start by saying how very sorry, from the depths of my soul, I am for the loss of your mom. I lost my mom almost 19 months ago and my dad 8 months ago. Life was forever changed when mom died. She was not only my mother she was friend, confidant, cheerleader, mediator......just everything. The day she died dad was diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer, which he fought valiantly, until he lost the fight 10 months afterwards. I have 2 children so they help to distract me but, I have my moments just like everyone else. For instance, I was in the supermarket yesterday, strolling the cart, and all of a sudden out of the corner of my eye I saw someone. I would have sworn it was dad. I turned so abruptly I almost crashed the cart. It's sad how our minds can play sick tricks on us. It sent me into a tailspin for the next hour with uncontrollable crying and sobbing. I am so sorry for you and all who feel the loss of not having their dear loved one at their wedding and not know future children. I was lucky to have had that. As Niamh said, I wish I had words of comfort but, simply there just really truly aren't any. All any of us can offer is comfort, understanding, an ear and a shoulder to cry on. I feel lost too. Sending many MANY hugs your way. 2sweetgirls

I completely agree and feel the same way. I resent the fact that I can't share my true feelings to anyone I want to. Today would have been my moms 78th birthday. I feel sad but put it aside in front of others to spare them being uncomfortable. That is truly unfair. Today I was with a friend, a fairly new one., but pretty close. Met her after mom died but before dad. I mentioned that it is moms birthday today and was disappointed by the response. So, today I realized, right then and there, she was added to the list of people I can't talk to. On the flip side, another friend called just to say she was thinking of me today. My brother and I sent flowers to mom and dad today. It feels nice to do it but, wish we could actually just have them here. Peace to all. 2sweetgirls

I am so sorry for the feelings you are currently having. I can't say that I had flashbacks like having the feeling of my parents not being gone but, I have visions in my head of the past - good, bad and ugly. I can't sleep at night as this movie keeps playing in my head and it seems so real, so clear. Mostly, I just shake my head in disbelief that this is all happening. Peace and hugs to you. 2sweetgirls

Lilac, I am so very sorry you are having such trouble with your friends. I agree with Nicholas - if a friend can't or won't be supportive in your time of need, they are not a friend. Friendship is kind of like a marriage - for better or for worse. Do you think you can find a support group where you are? A local hospice or a church, maybe. When mom died I still had dad but, after dad died I needed help to sort thru the craziness in my head with others that can relate. My husband was and is a great help but, I had to give him a break too. I was nervous about being so vulnerable in front of people I don't know but it was comforting, for lack of better words, to be physically in front of people, face to face, who are hurting too. Just like this site, you can share anything and people either just listen or offer a different perspective. I wish I could tell you that you should just tell your "friends" to take a flying leap but that is something you have to do on your own or just decide that you will forgive and move on. I think it is completely sad that you have to deal with this sort of thing in this extremely hard time after losing your dad. I'm sorry if I was a bit blunt but, grief is hard work and these unnecessary distractions, at the hands of people who are suppossed to be there for you, really anger me. I am going to try to answer your questions. The way I chose to cope, not to say that this should be your way, is by withdrawing from that person. I needed to "deal" with my losses and couldn't be bothered with anyone who was not with me. I was and am in survival mode. Still, to this day, there are people who I consider friends, not best friends but friends all the same, who I can't share my feelings with. I have learned how to manage my grief, most of the time, and who I can talk to and who I can't. Everyone is different with how they handle their own grief so you will need to handle it your way. As for being hurt when I cut ties with my oldest and dearest friend, well, if she couldn't or wouldn't be there for me, she is not my friend. I was so appauled by her words and actions, it was easy to move on. She will have to deal with her own actions when she is wearing my shoes someday. But again, each person is different. Please keep coming to this site and writing. It really does help. Peace and hugs to you. 2sweetgirls

Thank you, Marty. That made me cry. I appreciate it. I hope mom (and dad) are proud of me. I'm trying my absolute best. 2sweetgirls

With Mother's Day being tomorrow, I just want to wish my mom and all the other moms, both hear in this world and not, a very Happy Mother's Day!!! This will be my 2nd Mother's Day without her and my first without Dad. I am becoming very good at putting on a good face but, it's extremely hard sometimes. And all for the benefit of not making others uncomfortable. Unbelievable!!!! Anyway, peace and love to all on this Mother's Day eve. I love you sooooooooooooo much, Mom!!!! 2sweetgirls

Hello Lilac, I have read your post and may I say first and foremost, I'm sorry for the loss of your dad. You have found a wonderful site where all the members are sensitive, caring and nonjudgemental. I am so very sorry for the extra pain you are feeling at the hands of your "friends". I lost my mom 11-09 and my dad 10-10. After I lost my mom, my oldest and dearest friend didn't call or send a card, she thought texts would be sufficient. I like texts as much as the next person but, I felt that in this situation, she should have called to hear my voice to see that I was not ok and a text was completely and utterly inappropriate. Anyway, to make a long story short, we had a long disgraceful (on her part) back and forth battle over email and she had the nerve to call me childish, among other things. Needless to say, we are no longer friends. I am a happier person for it. I have too much to sort thru without any unneccesary added "stuff". You have every right to grieve for your dad. If your friends have a problem with the way you and your family chose to handle your affairs after your dad's death, that is their problem. I understand that you say you are a people pleaser. At this point in time, YOU are the one who needs support. People should be ashamed of themselves, especially friends, for not supplying that shoulder to cry on. You should not be bogged down with dealing with people like this while you are grieving for your dad. As long as your mom is ok, it's no one else's business what is done. Have any of these people lost a parent? I'm not sure they would be acting this way if they had. I am so very sorry that you are going thru this on top of losing your dad. Please know that you can come to this site and write anything, anytime. It has been a lifeline for me. I would be in a different place if I hadn't found it. Peace and hugs to you. 2sweetgirls

Babypod, I feel your pain coming right out of my computer screen. I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Grandma. If I remember correctly - she passed recently, right? As recently as March or April of this year? It is REALLY REALLY new. I am a little further along and not to say that it's better just different. I can't explain what's different it just is. I have two kids. When my mom died Nov-09, my heart was literally ripped from my chest never to return the same way again. I found comfort in my children and they helped me be distracted from my grief but, can definitely MORE than understand how you are feeling. Don't get me wrong I did yell and cry at the drop of a pin too. I also have my husband that would stay up at night with me just holding me and cry with me. So, I came to look forward to when he would come home because he knows how to make me smile and just understand when there is nothing you can do or say. It's hard not having your husband to support you right now at home. We, as mothers, are used to giving up ourselves to our children but, you need a little "me" time right now. First of all, I don't think some TV and chips for breakfast is a bad thing - we all do those types of things sometimes. Maybe you can get some time each day alone? Just to ball and get some grief out. A friend? A family member? A church? Do the older kids go to school and the younger ones nap? I wish I could help you. I can relate to wanting to tell your grandma about things that happen during the day and then realize you can't. After dad died in 10-10 I canceled his home phone just to call the number the next day, fully remembering that I had canceled the day before, just to see what would happen. As I write that, it just seems absolutely CRAZY!!! It just goes to show that losing someone special in your life can turn all your senses upside down. Please try to hang in there and keep writing. Sending hugs your way. Give each and every one of your kids a big BIG hug. They are a blessing. My girls were the only reasons I had for not jumping off of a cliff. 2sweetgirls

I nodded my head through each and every post. I feel or have felt exactly as all of you, at one time or another. It has been 17 months since mom died and 7 months since dad died. I still have all those emotions just not constantly. Some days I do feel like I'm wading through it also. It seems when life is going well, it's less. When challenges of life creep up, the wave crashes over me all over again. The anger is a bit less but, I felt angry, at who or what I don't know, for a long time. Christmas time was terrible for me. I felt like a scitzophrenic. I didn't know if I was coming or going. I know I haven't offered any advice. I really just wanted to share that you are not alone. Hugs to you. 2sweetgirls

I don't think you should feel guilty. The improvements will add to the house and since you did it now you can enjoy it too. I think you deserve some pleasure, especially in your own home. The guilt is something we all deal with no matter who we have lost. If it wasn't these things, it would be something else. I'm glad you are happy with the work that was done in the house. Most likely, when it comes time to sell the house, you would have to make those repairs anyway. In the meantime, you don't have to look at half done jobs. I agree with Nicholas - you are definitely NOT looney. Peace and hugs to you. 2sweetgirls

Hi Erin, I can't tell you, in words, how sorry I am for the loss of your mom and the anticipatory loss of your dear friend. I have no words of real comfort except to encourage you to keep coming here. We will be here for you. I lost both parents 10 months apart and you are right there is NO WAY to prepare yourself for one great loss, muchless more than one. Numbness just takes over and wears off a little at a time, as your body can handle. I'm sure that the pain of just the thought of losing someone else special to you is unfathomable but, if your friend is suffering so much, she has no quality of life. You are not being selfish. You are trying to wrap your head around what is happening right now. It was really hard to watch my dad die in Hospice but, I am satisfied that he died peacefully and with the love of his family around him. I think that is all we can do when someone we love's time is here. Lots of hugs and love coming your way. 2sweetgirls

Hi Neicy, First of all, welcome to this site although under the worst of circumstances. I am so sorry for the loss of both of your parents. I, too, am in the same club. I lost my mom 11-09 and my dad 10-10. I see that you have lost your parents with a short time in between also. It's like being kicked when you are already down. How are you supposed to be able to get up, right? I read your post when you first wrote it but, found it difficult to reply to you until now after trying a few times. Losing one parent is enough to deal with but, both and a close friend with not a second to catch your breath...I couldn't find the words. I'm sorry you are far from your friends and have no support system when you are currently. I think a support group would be a great idea. I didn't think it would help me but finally I did go and it was nice to be able to be face to face with others. I agree with Niamh - this website has been a Godsend because really you can write anything and someone will write back and validate that you are not going crazy. I have a really good friend who has been supportive. We talk freely and her empathy always makes me feel better. I try not to share too much of the details because her father was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer recently and is undergoing chemo. She is relentless with the questions and picking of my brain (in the most delicate of ways, of course) because, I think, she is trying to "prepare" herself. We all know that is not possible. I will be there for her when her time comes as she was and is for me. Other friends listen when I open up the conversation but, not much else. I guess I was probably similar before it was my turn to wear these shoes. As far as talking to family, I felt that way too in the beginning, with my brother. He actually arrived a few days earlier when dad was in the hospital and he was talking and for intents and purposes, was ok. By the time I got there a few days later, he was already deteriorating and couldn't talk. He had his senses, at times, and knew that we were there but I was not to hear his voice again. Watching this was really hard on my brother (me too, of course) and I felt that I had to be strong for him in the beginning. After a short time, when I felt it was right, we spoke and still do, mostly sharing good memories and such. We send each other texts of sayings they would say. It makes me feel like I'm not alone in thinking of them because he is too. So, maybe when you think the time is right, you can mention it to someone in your family. Like Niamh said - maybe they are feeling the same way in not wanting to mention it. Someone has to make the first move. It may make you feel a bit better. I wish you some peace. 2sweetgirls

When I read posts of people who have lost a special person years ago - further down the path than I currently am - I can't help but feel like this is never going to end. My head knows that this is something we are going to have to live with forever but, my heart wants to feel that this pain will pass. I know it won't pass, only change. But change into what? I just get so jumbled in my brain sometimes, I feel hopeless. So, I pick myself up by my bootstraps and carry on because I feel like mom and dad would want that but, it's hard and sometimes I just hit a brick wall and can't move on for a while. It's a vicious cycle. I feel like a hamster running on a wheel sometimes. I don't know if I'm making any sense or not...... I'm so sorry, Dani, that you are reliving the last moments of your dad's life. My mom died suddenly 17 months ago and I didn't get to see her until the wake and my dad (7 months ago) was in hospice for 5 days and we had to watch him deteriorate until the end. There is no winning situation. I feel incredibly guilty for not being there with mom and wish I hadn't witnessed dad's last days because I can't get it out of my head. Please know that there are many many others that are dealing with the loss, visions and memories, etc. as you are and will always be here to listen and add 2 cents. 2sweetgirls

I am soooooo happy for you AND your son. He is a hero to us all. Give him so many hugs and kisses.... I can't even imagine how it feels for you to have him in the states and out of harms way. 2sweetgirls

To you, it may feel like there is something wrong with you, cat_lady, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Grieving is a process of ups and down for a while, if not forever. I really don't like saying those words because I didn't and still don't like them but, they are true. If I think back to the first few months after my mom died, I felt like an alien. I didn't know whether I was coming or going. I couldn't concentrate. No one could do the right thing for me. Basically, I didn't know what I needed or wanted in order to recieve it from anyone else. Do whatever gets you through the day. If you feel like crying, then cry. You have to release it somehow. I can understand how going to the grave site can bring you right back to the day your mom was buried. I'm sorry. For me, seeing my parents names with birth and death dates, really REALLY upsets me. Wishing you peace today, tomorrow and always. 2sweetgirls

Hi BellaRosa, Well, I agree that being busy and going to work would be a good thing. I, of course, think of my parents all the time but, find that being distracted by the kids or anything, for that matter, helps me not to dwell too long. I always come back to thinking of them but, the distraction helps me deal with life. Personally, if I had time to just sit and think, that would be bad. I cry often but having too much time to think would make it worse. That's just me. I live far from where my parents are in their moseleums so I don't have the luxury of going to visit often. I talk to them often - out loud. Seems crazy but I do. When I'm alone, of course. On special days, I just say it as if they are right beside me. I really feel that they hear me. I understand that this is really difficult being that your dad is still here. You may feel that you have to be strong for him. For me, when Mom's first birthday after death arrived, it was sad and difficult but, dad was still here and somehow as strangely as it sounds, it felt different.....maybe denial, maybe shock or just plain numbness. Now that they are both gone....it's really just final. I guess when Dad was alive I had him to hold on to now that he's gone too, it's all that much more final. I hope I'm not rambling. Anyway, I hope you have some peace tomorrow. Enjoy dinner with your dad. 2sweetgirls

hello123, I am so so so sorry for the pain you are experiencing because your friends have turned on you. I wish I could give you some kind of advice that would help you but unfortunately, all I can offer is an ear and similar experieces. I am 40 years old and have lost both of my parents 10 months apart, starting with mom 11-30-09 and then dad 10-4-10. After mom died, my "friend" for over 20 years didn't call me, send a card, or anything personal. She sent me a text message. I thought that was completley unacceptable so I told her. She actually had the nerve to argue with me. So, needless to say and to make a long and ugly story short, she showed me her true colors and we are no longer friends. I was always a person who had a few really good friends and that is all I ever needed. In my head, one really good friend is better than 100 casual acquantances. I learned, when mom died, who I can be "real" with and who I just act real with. It's sad but true. I think that even people who are older just don't know what to say or how to deal with such a great loss. Again, really sad. All we really want is someone to empathise and listen. I am a different situation than you because I am married and have 2 children. My husband has really been there for me. Where others have failed me, he picks up the slack. I can't even imagine this happening and being in University where everyone is worried about their studies, having fun and just being young. We will always be here to listen to you, hello. Though many miles may separate us, please feel my genuine hug. 2sweetgirls

I am so sorry Alycat for the loss of your dad. I lost my dad to kidney failure, due to prostate cancer that had spread, six months ago (I can't believe it has been 6 months already). As I sit here with tears rolling down my face, I wish I had the words to comfort you but all I can do is say I'm sorry and we are all here to listen whenever you want, whatever you want. It is definitely better than cutting. I have a 4th grader and can't imagine having to have that conversation with her. It's hard to lose a parent at any age but, I feel at an early age is extra hard. Maybe I'm sensitive to that because I have young children. It sounds like you had a great time with your dad at Disney. Beautiful memories to try to hold on to. I wish I had more to say but, simply there aren't any words that can ease your pain. Big hugs to you!!!! 2sweetgirls

Dear Kayc, I am so sorry for the loss of you FIL. My parents, who are both passed on, were immigrants from Italy. Your comments about your FIL's typical Italian actions made me smile and cry at the same time. I have a digital frame scrolling pix and after I read it, I looked up and they were both smiling at me. I just thought I'd share....... I really miss those two wonderful people. I'm sorry again. Hugs to you 2sweetgirls