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Visiting The Cemetery

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Hello all,

Not to sure if this is normal or not, but I thought I would share with you.

Every time I go to visit Mum at the cemetery, I go to her grave, I stand there, but I feel nothing. I want to feel something because that's my Mum there, and I don't feel sadness or anything.

I don't know why I am like that. Maybe there's an explanation for it?

Thank you for reading, responses will be much appreciated!


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Hi Amy. My mother's ashes were scattered in the sea. We chartered a boat and some 20 family and friends gathered for the trip. After a half hour up a rocky coast with cliffs, the boat slowed to an idle and we scattered my mother's ashes. And then many flowers onto the water as well. The boat slowly idled away from the floating flowers, and it was beautiful looking at the sea, the flowers, and the cliffs on shore. These little ceremonies really helped dignify my mother's passing.

My brother who surfs said he can be with Mom now when he's in the water. And my sister put some of my mom's ashes at the base of fruit trees in her garden. These things have some poetic beauty to them.

I'm thinking of your trips to visit your Mom at the cemetery. And it reminds me so much of how people in these forums want to see their lost loved ones in dreams. It's so hard to make a dream happen! And then when you are not expecting it, there they are in your dreams!

I understand that you want to evoke some kind of emotion when visiting your Mom. But emotions, like dreams, are not the sorts of things that perform on demand. About the best we can do to raise up a feeling, is to settle on some little change from our daily routine. If you like the quiet of the cemetery, then that's enough. Or listen to the wind in the trees. Or maybe there is a view. Or reading what's written on other stone markers. If going to the cemetery nudges your mood just a bit, then voila! You've got that slight shade of emotion you were looking for. Maybe it's expecting bigger waves of emotion that's leaving you disappointed.

Here in the San Francisco Bay Area, the main cemetery is in Colma. Curious story about Colma. In the first decades of the last century, a decision was made to move the many existing cemeteries in San Francisco to Colma. Weird stuff moving all those remains. But it worked out well in the end. There are cemeteries for all variety of nationalities: a Chinese, Japanese, Greek, Italian, Serbian, Jewish, a paupers' cemetery, and many others. These cemeteries are up against wooded foothills, and there is a view. The fog rolls in and out on most days. I like visiting the cemeteries of Colma.

And I think it's completely okay not to feel emotion when you go to the cemetery to visit your Mom. If you have no expectation, then there is no disappointment. If you like being there at all, then keep going! If it does zilch for you, then why go? At least for me, visiting a cemetery changes my routine just a bit, tones down some of the noise in my head, and makes me more contemplative. I generally don't emote either when visiting these places, but I'm okay with that.

Hope this helps!

Ron B.

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Guest babylady


maybe it's because you realize she's not there. once the soul leaves the body that's it. the body is just a vessel. my husband was cremated and his ashes are in a marble urn on a shelf in my living room. i thought i'd feel better when i got the ashes but i didn't. i realized he left this house on 4/10 as a person and came back as ashes. i remembered how beautiful his body was especially when he was young. at some point i might scatter some of them around our property. my friend michael passed in 01 and his ashes were scattered on our property before we built the house.

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