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I Still Feel Like I'm Dying Without Him...


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I've been reading the other posts and I guess almost all of us feel like we're dying after the loss of our fur-kid. I lost my Zeb 8/17/05 and still am barely functional. I have had to deal with a very serious illness with my youngster dog (4 y.o.) but she seems to be in remission now and it's just a matter of getting her off meds that suppress her immune system.

I was very active in competetive dog sports until my young one became ill and even those folks mostly have "not been able to deal with me."

When we experience a loss, it's not just that specific loss that triggers sometimes intense grief reactions. It feels like the grief is suffocating from previous losses of different sources besides animals.Our (my) grief manifests in so many different ways that it blows me away. Dealing with past losses is essential for my healing from losing Zeb and that is really difficult and demanding (psychological/emotional) work to do.

I'm still not sleeping 4 out of 7 nights and end up being awake for afew days in a row which feels horrible. I'm trying hard to eat. Taking care of my other critters is the ONLY thing that gets me out of bed in the mornings.

A dear friend of mine and I discussed my fostering some dogs so that they could be socialized better if needed and begin healing of their own trauma of which we mostly have no info on. We decided that the best breed for me to foster were Border Collies since I have extensive experience with herding dogs (I do Belgians myself). I thought a BC was a good Idea since I didn't feel like I could ever really own one with their enormous energy requirements and intensity of character.

Two weeks ago a one year old BC came to me for healing. He has a dislocated hip and I'm not sure that funds will be found to give him the surgery he needs in order to be adoptable. He keeps up with my Belgian Laekenois like a true champ. I am a caregiver by profession, although I haven't been able to work for quite some time due to a major clinical depression. (My depression is in flaming relapse now.)I have been known as an animal emotional rehabilitator for the last 10 years.

I spoke with one of our local BC fanciers concerning what vets she might know of that might help rescues. Her response was that he needed to be euthanized. That's a tough one to take from a well respected woman who has been in BC's for over 30 years.It does make sense to me although the thought of doing that is something I cannot deal with. He is the sweetest most un- ruffable little guy. He is so grateful to be in a home and to recieve affection. The whole decision is up to the Humane Society that actually "owns" him. If I wanted to adopt him now, I would be responsible for his much needed surgical treatment which could run, I was told, up to 5 grand. So I'm in love with a Border Collie, just prolonging my wait for a Belgian Malinois puppy but it still doesn't help with my grief over having to euthanize ZEb in August. I can't even talk about him without starting to cry. Now I have this little guy who looks at me with such gratitude and adoration like Zeb used to do.

This is tough emotional work to do, especially right now. My family is 3000 miles away and so many of my so called "Friends" seem only to care whether I'm competing or not. I feel so lonely even with two dogs and the greatest cat in the world.

Sorry this was so long. It's Christmas Eve, actually now Christmas Day...my sisters Birthday.Only about 4 more hours till daylight and I'll feel better somewhat.

A lot of us are feeling it pretty hard around the Holiday season...but I am just looking forward to January 2nd. Please pray or whatever you do devotionally that we can find help for little Devon the BC.


Denver, CO

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I am so sorry for your loss. Give yourself time to heal. It will take a while. I'm sure that when we lose a pet it also raises other questions and losses. The important thing is that you give yourself time to heal. Have you thought about taking an online course or joining a Pet loss support group in your area? Best wishes.

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