Jump to content

Broken heart and soul

Contributor
  • Content count

    17
  • Joined

  • Last visited

About Broken heart and soul

  • Rank
    Member

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Mother
  • Date of Death
    June 24, 2016
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Granger, IN
  1. Older Cat Dies Following Rabies Vaccination

    Yes, for sure!!
  2. Older Cat Dies Following Rabies Vaccination

    Dear Mary, I am sooo sooo sorry to learn you also lost your Babies - and in a short period of time. I offer you my condolences. It is so sad. I wish I could redo everything again, you know, like if we could go back in time. I understand how you feel. I wish you a great day, Monica
  3. Older Cat Dies Following Rabies Vaccination

    Dear Marty, Thank you for sharing the article written by Dr. Kay!! Have a lovely day, Monica
  4. Older Cat Dies Following Rabies Vaccination

    Dear Marty, Thank you so much - I love it when I see that you sent me a message. Yes, I am trying to honor My Precious Baby Pearl's memory. I am so grateful I found you and your invaluable help. And I do hope that my message can be read by many, many Pet Parents so they can learn about the dangers of over-vaccination. I can't thank you enough, Dear Marty, for your support - You are a Light in the middle of this ocean of pain, guilty and sadmess. With love, gratitude and admiration!! I wish you a lovely day, Monica, broken and destroyed
  5. Older Cat Dies Following Rabies Vaccination

    Dear Kacy, Thank you so much for your message!! I wish every single vet was like Dr. Robb!! I have learned the dangers of over-vaccinations way too late to save My Baby Pearl, and because of that, I am living with the guilt of being the one who killed My Precious Baby Pearl. I will watch the video, thank you! What have I done???? Why did I agree with the vet when he said My Baby had to take the rabies shot???? Why did I trust him???? I simply hate myself!!! Thank you again for your message!! I wish you a great day!! monica, broken
  6. Older Cat Dies Following Rabies Vaccination

    Dear Kayc, It's good to know the heat doesn't bother Kitty!! And although I can't imagine what could have made her feel different that day - I thought it was the warm weather - but it wasn't; but I must say I'm happy she is fine again and I imagine she is enjoying her time outside, watching the birds and Nature in general!! Please, Kayc, tell Kitty I say =^*= meow, meow =^*^= to her!! Also, thank you kindly for the link you sent me about the physical reactions to loss!! I wish you a wonderful day!! monica, aka broken
  7. Older Cat Dies Following Rabies Vaccination

    Dear Kayc, Oh no, I imagine how scared you must have been, I would be so scared too. But I think that Precious Kitty was lethargic because of the heat, it is summer and I think she wanted to stay inside the house, where it is cooler than outside. I am so happy to hear she is fine, again! Does she go outside every day? Are you always with her, protecting her from any danger, when she goes outside? I think she was acting like that because of the weather - it is better to be inside in the shade and cool!! Thank you for understanding how I feel about My Baby Pearl - I feel I am a disgusting murderer. I will die with this pain and hole in my heart. Speaking about heart, I do think it is really possible that a heart breaks, I mean, since I killed My Beloved Daughter, I do feel some weird things inside my chest, I suppose it is guilt eating and destroying my heart. Monica, a destroyed and unhappy soul
  8. Older Cat Dies Following Rabies Vaccination

    Dear Maylissa, I want to thank you so much for the fact that you are preparing a response for me - thank you kindly!! But do not worry, do not rush, please know that anytime, any day, whenever you send it, either in Fall or Winter, it will be well received and extremely appreciated - please enjoy the summer holidays!! Yes, Kayc has been writing some wonderful things to me - she (and you and Marty) have been helping me get up and glue my pieces back together...........and I will never be able to thank the three of you enough!! Thank you for sharing the information about Dr. Don Hamilton!! I will read his book!! Thank you for that!!! I thank you so much for the fact that you think about me!! I wish you a wonderful summer!! Monica
  9. Older Cat Dies Following Rabies Vaccination

    Dear Kayc, Oh no!!! Can you believe it?? It's so mean that that vet knew of a holistic way to treat Arlie's cyst but she did nothing.......because she worked for a big chain. It is so sad because we - as Furry Babies's Parents - want the very best for them and we need vets who want that, too, but, quite often we end up going to a vet (that we got a referral from someone) who has a total different agenda. I agree with you - I don't understand vets, either. Also, it is so essential that vets care and understand Animal behavior - because our Babies do not use the same oral language we do, but they do communicate and I think all vets should learn their language!! I wish all vets were like Dr. Doolittle (that vet on the movies that can talk to Animals! In my utopic world all vets speak and listen to Animals!). It means sooo much to me to read that I do deserve forgiveness. Some days are harder for me......I cry more and feel worse, sad and destroyed thinking about My Baby Pearl, soooo Precious, so innocent........I miss her more than anyone........I think she could be here, playing in the house, in her favorite places where she likes to sit and nap....but I took that from her...........that is soooo sad. Also, I thank you immensely for saying that if you were an Animal you would want someone caring like me to be your Mommy.......that makes me feel better.......because the truth is I do love Animals, with all my heart and soul, and I believe they deserve the very best from us - unconditional love, respect, attention, proper care, food, clean bowl of water every day, clean litter boxes 3, 4 times a day, playtime, naptime, attention and love galore!!!! Thank you again, Kayc, for taking the time to write to me..............please know that your help is really important and essential to me. I appreciate you!! I wish you a wonderful day and please give Arlie and Kitty many kisses from me and belly rubs, as well!!
  10. Older Cat Dies Following Rabies Vaccination

    Dear Kayc, It is so nice you found this nice lady vet - I loved to hear that she sat down on the floor and was petting your big Dog - awwww, that is soooo wonderful!!!! So, please, let her be your Babies's vet - they deserve someone like her to take care of any medical need. She is knowledgeable and has a great heart for Furry Babies!! You are right - I, after what I went through with My Beloved Daughter Baby Pearl, I think you should NOT vaccinate your Precious Kitty - you are absolutely right she has never seen a vet before and she is doing great, healthy, so, let's keep her this way!!!!!! She doesn't need anything - except the love and attention and food that you give her!!!! In sports, there is a saying that goes something like this: "If a team is winning, do not substitute any players. Let the players alone!". So, she is better off without anything in her body!!! How I wish - with all my heart and with all my soul, which are both shattered in a million pieces - I had known that before!! I also agree with you when you say you hesitate to put an older dog under anesthesia - of course, there are many risks at an older age. You are right in both cases!!!!! So, again, " If a team is winning, do not substitute any players. Let the players alone!", because we don't know what can happen if we change a perfect situation (even if we have good intentions, the worst can happen and I don't want anybody to feel what I am feeling), so it is better not to do anything. I know (intellectually speaking) I know with my mind I thought I was doing the right thing when I agreed with the rabies shot, the vet said she had to take it and it is the law in Indiana and all, but it is my heart, my soul and my consciousness that tell me I am a disgusting murderer who killed her own Little Daughter who loved me soooo much and depended on me, if only I had not taken her to that appointment....uffffff, it is hard and so sad to continue breathing with all this heaviness in my heart.........I feel as if a giant, black, heavy, thick blanket covers me from head to toe and inside it all there is is pain and guilt and sadness. I am writing her a letter and apologizing to her for what I have done. I should have been able to "listen" to her because she did not have a happy face at that appointment, in other words, she did not want to take the shot, she was looking at me very seriously and I failed to interpret her message to me; I should have told the vet that I was not going to agree with the shot, but I didn't. I even told my husband: "Oh, look, My Love, look at our Baby's face - she doesn't want to take the shot, but, My Sweetie, it is something good to protect you and Rocky, Bubbles and Spotty will take it, too, because the doctor said it is important so you guys will be protected; it will not hurt, it is just a little pinch and you will not feel pain". I should have suffered a heart attack right there when I opened my mouth to say those words to her. But, no, I am still existing (not living) and My Little Baby is gone. I am so destroyed. Thank you, Kayc, for saying you think I deserve forgiveness. I wish you a great day and thank you so very much for your messages. Monica
  11. Older Cat Dies Following Rabies Vaccination

    Dear Marty, You are absolutely right and I feel ashamed of my comment above. It was unfair with all the good, caring and professional vets out there. I am sad with that one vet and I made that comment above, which was not right, neither fair with the nice vets. I apologize for that, Marty. And I thank you for your wise words and for pointing out that there really are good vets out there. Also, thank you for sending me the article "Choosing The Right Veterinarian For Your Pet". Dear Marty, thank you again for all the wonderful things you do for us!! Love, admiration and gratitude, Monica
  12. My 19 year old fur-baby is dying!

    Dear Mtnheart, I am so sorry to hear about the health problems your Precious Boi is going through ! He is beautiful and he reminds me of my Baby Pearl, my Siamese baby girl. I know how difficult it is when we see our Babies suffering. I am devastated because My Baby Pearl is gone, but she will live forever in my heart. I made the worst mistake of my life when I agreed with the vet to give her the rabies shot - it caused her to develop bladder cancer. I learned, after she had the shot, that rabies shot is dangerous to older Cats and Dogs. My Baby Pearl was 14 years old. And I am suffering for having made that mistake. I wish Boi's health became 100% again, and he was back to being his old little self again!! I am keeping him in my heart and I will ask his Little Guardian Angel to restore his health!! But, the important thing is that you continue giving him all your love, as you have always done, and tell him you love him always and forever - he does feel your love for him!! I wish you strength and know that we are here and we know how you feel!! Monica
  13. Older Cat Dies Following Rabies Vaccination

    Dear KayC, I thank you so much for your wonderful message!! Yes, I read the articles you posted for me and I thank you so much for that, as well!! I really wish I had known the truth about vaccines before!! And the greedy vets from that clinic make me sick! I am so happy you have this friend from the Cat Rescue and she told you about the dangers of vaccinations!!! So, please, it is better, prudent not to vaccinate your Kitty - she is 21 years old and we don't want to take any risks!!!! She is fine and healthy - and that is the way it should be!! And about your Dog, I agree it is better not to have his cyst removed, either!! KayC, after my traumatic experience, the truth is I am scared of vets - now I don't believe they have our Babies ' best interest in mind - the only thing they have in mind is profit!! And that is a shame!! Also, thank you for saying I don't deserve to feel this way until I die!! I do hope My Baby Pearl could forgive me - I have to be sincere with you and tell you that I do not know if one day I will be able to forgive myself. I feel huge guilt, and I hope My Baby Pearl is not in pain anymore!! I will read the articles again!! I thank you so much for your message and support!! Many hugs and belly rubs to Kitty and your Puppy!! Have a wonderful day, Monica
  14. Older Cat Dies Following Rabies Vaccination

    Dear Maylissa, Thank you so much for writing to me!! I apologize for not seeing your message before - you wrote to me on Monday and today is Thursday- I'm sorry for seeing it just now.. I have horrible migraines that last 4 to 5 days, but I have some intervals, some hours of some relief, and I have them a lot. But, what I mean to say is to thank you for your message and caring words; since the day I asked our Dear Marty to post my message for me because I was facing some difficulties to do that, I became so happy she posted it and I was crossing my fingers for you to read it because I have been reading your posts and I know how much you love Kitties as well, and now that you read it and sent me your thoughts, I am very, very thankful!! I thank you for your sympathy and I am sorry you cried when you read about my story. Yes, my Beloved Baby Pearl's passing was a horrible disaster and the worst mistake I have made and I know, I feel in each cell in my being it has changed me profoundly, for worse, now I am sad, I feel my heart has closed up, I feel a heaviness on my chest and it has a name - it is called guilt - and now I am scared, afraid and I became a robot, I'm functioning because I need to; but the Monica I was died on June 24th, 2016, with My Precious Baby Pearl! I feel I am hollow inside. Hollow, cold, empty....... I have never felt this way before, not even when I lost my Dad and my Grandma; (although I was really devastated), but this pain is different and I tried to understand why and I came to the conclusion that it is because when I lost my Dad and Grandma it was due to diseases they were battling, but My Daughter 's death is completely different because unfortunately what happened is that I am the reason why she is dead. I did not murder my Dad, neither my Grandma but, unfortunately, I murdered My Daughter, who depended on me, it is so sad but I failed her. I am destroyed because I feel I betrayed her unconditional love and that is absolutely unforgivable. No, Maylissa, I am the one who agreed with the vet when he said she needed the rabies vaccine. I told them (my husband and the vet): "Love, water, food, attention, clean litter box I give them, but I count on the doctor's knowledge to help me keep them healthy; so, if you think that she needs the vaccine, ok, let's give it to her." I said that. And my husband just said: "Ok, fine." I even told him that they are so adamant about vaccinations, I don't know, maybe there is a new study out there and they must encourage us all to vaccinate our Babies, maybe that is why they send me every other week reminder emails and postcards to remind me to bring them for vaccinations. I had no idea I was doing the worst thing ever for My Child! My husband never liked to vaccinate Cats because he said they are indoors, so they don't need vaccinations. But, privately, just between us, he says that it is ridiculous to spend money on strays. That breaks my heart. And he said he had already done too much for them because he adopted them when my stepson found them, and if it was not for him, they would have been dead already. That breaks my heart, also. He said that he bought them food for years and that should be enough. I don't agree with him - I tell him that they are My Children, and we adopted them, I opened not only the house door for them, but mainly the door to my heart and they deserve all the love, respect, care, treatment, everything they need!! He and I have different points of view. He found My Baby Pearl in 2002, and I moved to St. Louis in 2008 and she had not been spayed. Now we live in Indiana. So, in 2008, every now and then, she meowed and crawled on the floor and it looked very uncomfortable. I had never had a Cat before because my mother is a very bitter and unloving person with a very difficult attitude, who never allowed my brother and I to have any Pets. So, being idiot as I am, I did not know what that meow and crawling meant. When she did that, I always picked her up, cuddled her, told her I love her, put her close to my heart, as we do when we hold a human baby, and asked her Guardian Little Angel to protect her from whatever it was. That used to happen a few times a year and I did the same thing and, of course, begged him to take her to the vet. He always said no. I told him that her meowing and crawling was making me worried and asked how could it stop. Then he said: " ok, I'll tell you what is going on. But, how can you be so dumb for not knowing what is happening here???? She is in heat!!! You get it now???? If it bothers you, do what I've always done when I got home: turn on the tv or radio and make it loud!!!!!" That broke my heart! How could he be so cold??? I became so sad and googled " Cat in heat " and I learned that it is better to have Cats and Dogs neutered and spayed in order to avoid cancer in their uterus. So, I begged and begged and nagged for us to take her to the vet. He finally agreed because he said he was tired of my nagging. We took her to a nice vet in St. Louis. So, in November 2012, My Baby Pearl was spayed and she did great , no more meowing, no more crawling. I was a happy and relieved mom! By the way, that vet also gave her the rabies shot - I only knew about it when I read the invoice, when I put it in my folder. I became surprised to find out this way, but, at that time, no red flags were on my mind. I was so happy for the fact that she had a great surgery and recovery that that was all I could think about. On that paper it said that she would need to take it again in three years - 2015. So, My Precious Baby Pearl was fine, her happy little self and I couldn't be happier to see her thriving! Maylissa, I want you to understand why I thought vaccines were something good. When my brother and I kids, my mother did not let us to have a Pet for many years, but as he kept asking her so much and often, she ended up letting him have a Puppy. So, he got his Puppy and we became very happy. Our neighbors had Dogs, as well. Back then, specially the way my mother is, talking an Animal to the doctor was considered extravagant; it was the late seventies in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil and my father was a simple hard working man who provided for us. Things were kinda tight back then. So, we couldn't be happier with the Puppy. Time went by and ,unfortunately , our Puppy got sick. He didn't want to eat or drink, he didn't even want to get up. So, my father took him to the vet and he was diagnosed with distemper . The doctor said it had affected him neurologically and he also said he could have been saved if only he had been vaccinated. If he had been vaccinated, the vaccine would have protected him and the virus would not have affected the neurological system. We were devastated. Our neighbors were better people and they had taken their Dogs to the vet to get vaccinated. The doctor said that it comes from the air and vaccines are the best protection. So, when the virus was flying in the air, our neighbors 's Puppies were protected. Unfortunately, our Puppy passed away. That sentence the vet said : " Your Puppy could have been saved if he had been vaccinated " stayed with me and I promised myself when I grow up and have my own Furry Family I will give them all the care and treatment they need. I will make sure that they take their shots, just like a human mother does for her children. Ao that, Maylissa, was the worst mistake of my life. I killed My Precious Princess and my heart is destroyed because giving her the vaccine was what caused her passing. My conscience is accusing me of murder of my innocent child!! My husband thinks that buying them food is enough. I thoroughly disagree. And that is why I found a job from home, because he doesn't allow me to work outside the house, can you believe this?? So, that is why I found a job as an over-the-phone interpreter in order to pay for My Baby Pearl 's surgery when I found a little lump between her little arms, in the middle of her little chest. So, she had her surgery to have it removed on October 23, 2014 and her surgery and her recovery were another success, just like her first surgery (spay surgery in St. Louis in 2012). Again, I was a happy and grateful mom. Since I started working, July 2014, I am responsible for their medical expenses and I am fine with that. Actually, I was, because now I am so scared of vets and I don't trust them anymore, because I felt betrayed by that vet. I will never , ever take the other Babies to that clinic again! Also, I want to say that I am very, very sorry because of the horrible and tragic side effects of the vaccines were the cause of your Precious Baby Boy's untimely passing. It is so sad and devastating. It is so so sad and it breaks my heart. How can vaccines hurt our Babies when they are supposed to protect them???? There must e something extremely wrong in the universe!!!!! I am like you now - I no longer believe in vaccination myth. Actually, now I do sincerely believe that vaccines are pure evil!! Maylissa, I applaud you for all those changes you made for your Babies!! You take them to an integrative vet , this is so wonderful! You are a wonderful Mommy to your Babies! They are so lucky for having you as their Mommy! I also changed their food to Blue Buffalo grain free, chicken flavor. They like it. I have learned my lesson about vaccinations. I hope one day to be as knowledgeable as you are , so that I don't ever kill any other innocent Little One!! My guilt is eternal - My Beloved Baby Pearl never, never, ever deserved this heinous fate that I gave her. I am suffering because of that. When I think and remember that I made her feel physical pain (to urinate) , I made her feel scared, confused (because she did not know why she couldn't urinate) and, ultimately, having her receive the euthanasia shot and never see her Precious Son Rocky again.........wow, these things haunt my soul and my conscience and I don't have peace of mind anymore. My pain, my sadness and my guilt are so strong that I feel as if a huge, heavy and black blanket is placed on me and it covers me from head to toe and I feel this penetrating stabbing pain in my heart. But, to speak the truth, I do know I deserve it because I had the obligation to know, somehow, to protect her, I should have been able to " hear " her, I thought she was just not happy for being at the vet's office, she doesn't like to go to the vet, but now I know she was communicating to me that the vaccine would be something bad, but I failed to hear her; I should have been able to help her. I deserve to feel this way until I physically die. Until this day comes, I'll tell everyone I can about the dangers of vaccinations to older Cats and Dogs!! Maylissa, thank you for your time, for writing to me and for your kindness. Maylissa, again, I want you to know I am so grateful for the fact that you sent me your message!! It means a lot to me!! Monica
  15. Older Cat Dies Following Rabies Vaccination

    Hello Kayc, I thank you so very much for sharing these links with me - I'll definitely read them, again and again!! I need to read anything I can in order to find a reason to try to get some help. I thank you for your kindness!! broken heart and soul, destroyed soul
×