Guilt about my mother's death.

[Kyvan04]

My mother just passed away couple months ago after suffering a intracerebral hemorrhage stroke which is a type of stroke that cause blood vessel to bust and bleed deep into the brain. I was told by the brain surgeon that there was nothing he can do to help and my mom chances of survivor is low plus even if she would to survive she will not be the same since her prognosis is very poor. I continue to ask him if he was sure there is nothing he can do then he responded that there is a surgery he can attempt but he think it will not help. I told him that since you said my mom condition is very bad, and if you bring up the surgery and even if you think it will not help there got to be a chance that it will right? (He just remain silence) At that time I felt anything would be better than just letting my mother laying there unconscious without knowing what to become of her. So I opt for the surgery that night. The doctor perform the surgery and my mother was moved to the ICU. My mother condition deteriorated after the surgery and in the late morning she was declare brain dead. Afterward, I found out from doing my own research that the doctor was doing a surgery to drain brain CSF fluid from my moms brain because the intracerebral hemorrhage created a blood clot that cause her brain to swell and that would cause the brain to herniate downward to the base of the brain and compress the brain stem vital areas. The thing is if the CSF is over drain it will cause the brain to herniate upward and damage the brain stem vital areas as well. I was told that my mother death was cause by the brain herniate downward but the amount of CSF that was drain seem a lot to me since the drainage was next to her bed side and I can't help but to think the CSF was over drained. Then again I am not a neurologist or a brain surgeon so am in no position to make any assumption. I also realized that if I didn't do the surgery, my mother could of passed away too. And if I didn't opt to do the surgery and she passed then I would feel guilty of not opting for the surgery. But of course since I chose to do the surgery and she died, I feel like I made the wrong medical decision for her. I feel so guilty these pass couple months. I was in a tough situation making a very tough decision. I just want to know what are your insights in this. Thanks for reading. 

 

[kayc]

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother.

I hope you will talk to the surgeon about your concerns.  You're wishing there was a way to save her, we always think about the what-ifs when we lose someone we love, but the truth is, nothing will change it now and most of our what ifs aren't reality based.  Medicine isn't perfect, lots of times they do their best and they still can't save them.  You made the best decision you could for her and it gave her the best chance of survival, even though it didn't work.  

It helps to post, and I hope you will continue to come here.  Grief never ends but it does change form as we go through its journey, so it won't stay in this intensity forever.  

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

[seachelle]

Hello, I know it's tempting in these times to find someone to blame.  It seems that the doctor tried his best, knowing it likely wouldn't work, and was honest with you about that.  The doctor probably did the surgery to alleviate any guilt you might feel over not having done enough etc.  Unfortunately, it sounds like this was a chance incident and there isn't much you or the doctor could have done to change the outcome.  I'm so sorry for your loss.  You did not make the wrong decision.  You did what you felt was best at the time, in dire circumstances.  That's all anyone could expect.