I cannot do it anymore!!

[Mom's angel]

No deb, I can constantly see the sadness and pressure in my brother's eyes, his is the eldest son in my family, I know he is not showing his pain. 

I was with my mom all the time, except the last day. I hate myself for not being there. My father and brothers were with her but I know she would have wanted me there.

I constantly feel guilty, I always wonder about the ways I could have changed what has happened. Her life was in our hands, I felt so helpless, I constantly feel like I could have saved her. I hate myself for that.

I also think that I was a bit annoying to her as I constantly tell her the right kind of diet and won't let her eat fast food, she had high bp( it was mostly in normal range because of diet, exercise and tablets). 

I constantly buzzed around her, I love her so much, we were like sisters, we loved each others company but I couldn't take care of her, I hate myself for letting her go, I hate my self for not being there on her last day, she was my life and now I'm just a body without a soul.

 

[kayc]

How is it you feel you let her go?  This wasn't within your realm to stop!  People make their own choices, including their diet, taking care of themselves.  I have a sister that is not taking care of herself, and I know she's hastening her death and nothing I can do about it.  She insists on smoking, eating unhealthy, refusing to get exercise.  I hear her wheezing.  I'm going to feel angry when she dies because I'll know it was unnecessary, but this is her choice and not mine!  We've talked about it but she feels this is her choice, her "quality of life" and doesn't want to live any other way, even though it will cost her family dearly in the end.

I'm sad you are going through so much, but I hope you can come to the realization that this is not your fault.  You say your father and brothers were there, yet that didn't change anything, I think you're putting way too much on yourself.  As a mother, I can't imagine she would want you feeling this way.  I was in my 20s when I lost my dad, but it was his genes, not his lack of care, that took his life.  I felt gypped that he wasn't able to be there for the birth of my first child, he missed so much, and it feels unfair that some people's dads live into their 90s while my own died too young, but there isn't anything any of us could have done to have changed it...and the truth is, there may not have been anything you could have done to have changed your mom's death, even if you had been able to regulate everything.

[Mom's angel]

No Kayc, she did everything I said her to do -diet exercise. 
I'm saying that I thinks she might have found this annoying,
She didn't died because of her high bp, this problem was years ago and was mostly in control, she was very health.

 I know my father and brothers were with her and the guilt I'm feeling is nothing compared to the guilt that I see in their eyes,
There was a delay in an important  discission that we took, that was the major cause of what has happened. 
My mom was never at fault, it was us that were at fault. I trusted the doctors who said everything was in control while in real it was all getting worst. That's why I feel like that.