I watched my Grandma die

[butterfly27]

On June 23rd this year, I watched my grandma die. I stood by her hospital bedside as they took her off life support. It took 3 minutes before her heart stopped beating.

She was my best friend. The only person in my family that didn't drive me insane. She was more of a mother to me than my own mother was.

She was healthy. I talked to her two days before her accident. I wish I had known that would be my last time ever talking to her. She had a terrible accident where she fell and hit her head and severely injured her brain to the point where she was pronounced brain dead the next day.

I have so many great memories with her, but the only memory I can think of is the one where I watched the life fade out of her. I can't get the image out of my head of watching her eyes open after 3 days of not opening and watching them slowly go out of focus, to watching her jaw drop and her mouth moving after they pronounced her dead.

I can't get the image out of my head, and I don't know what to do. It's been over a month and it's all I can think about ever. 

How do I stop this?

[kayc]

I think it's common for us to feel haunted by those last moments or images of what happened.  It's hard to deal with, but it helps to know what it is about it that is hitting you the most.  Are you afraid of what SHE was experiencing or the life changing experience for YOU or what exactly?  Did it frighten you?  It helps to understand that death is a part of our cycle of life, it's something that happens to all of us, but to those of us left behind, we are uncomfortable with it.  It seems all the more so difficult when it was unexpected, like your grandmother's death was.

I'm so sorry for your loss.  You don't say how old you are, but if you're still in school, could you talk to the school counselor about it?  (When school starts back up, I mean).  If not, maybe talk to a pastor about it?

[butterfly27]

5 minutes ago, kayc said:

I think it's common for us to feel haunted by those last moments or images of what happened.  It's hard to deal with, but it helps to know what it is about it that is hitting you the most.  Are you afraid of what SHE was experiencing or the life changing experience for YOU or what exactly?  Did it frighten you?  It helps to understand that death is a part of our cycle of life, it's something that happens to all of us, but to those of us left behind, we are uncomfortable with it.  It seems all the more so difficult when it was unexpected, like your grandmother's death was.

I'm so sorry for your loss.  You don't say how old you are, but if you're still in school, could you talk to the school counselor about it?  (When school starts back up, I mean).  If not, maybe talk to a pastor about it?

I'm not sure what I was afraid of. Maybe what she was experiencing. I know I don't like seeing pain inflicted on others. So maybe I'm not okay with knowing about how much pain she was in. I've never really thought about it like that.

I'm 20 years old, and a junior in college. I'm an RA on a small campus o I work very closely with the school guidance counselor (it's almost like she's my boss). I should probably find someone Profesional to talk to. 

Thank you so much for replying.

[kayc]

Are you certain your grandma felt pain?  Because our bodies are amazing at protecting us from what we can't handle.  Most people find death a peaceful experience rather than something horrific.  I do hope you will find a grief counselor then.