And here we go again

[clk]

My brother is dying. His will be the sixth death in my immediate family in three years. I've lost a father, two parents-in-law, a cousin and a niece, all of them through disease. It has been a shitty three years, quite frankly, and I've cried so much that my tears ducts seem permanently swollen but this latest diagnosis came out of left field and I feel like I'm going under.

Glioblastoma, the asshole tumour, that was totally asymptomatic right up until it wasn't, only two months ago. The median survival rate is 12 months, with concurrent radio and chemo, and he's had both of those. I see his deterioration as I help to care for him and I know he won't make the end of the year. And I want to scream with rage and fury that my beloved brother, fifteen months older than I, is dying with children still in high school.

And I cry all the time. This death is so much harder on me than the others and I don't know why. Is it because I will now be the head of the family, a role I feel so unsuited for? Is it for the grief this is causing my mother, losing her son against the natural order of things? Is it because of all that my brother will leave behind? Or all that he takes with him; all that brilliance and wit and compassion being lost to the world forever? Maybe it's all of those things.

My brother is quite simply the best man I have ever known and his passing is sucking some of the light out of my world, turning down the voltage to a dimmer world always.

Why do I write here? I don't really know. My counsellor has suggested finding an online grief support group if I can't find one in person and it has been very hard to find something that fits my circumstances. Anticipatory grief might be it.

 

[kayc]

I am so sorry, that is horrible!  Maybe it is all of the above reasons it is hitting you hard, maybe it everything building up to this.  All I know is your response and feelings are normal, it is just very hard to go through loss.  My heart goes out to you.

Anticipatory grief fits your situation, yes.  I hate sudden death for the shock it leaves you with, but I hate anticipatory grief  because you watch them slip away bit by bit.  The two types of losses may differ in their presentation, but they both suck in actuality.  I hope you will continue to post what you're going through, there will be others respond shortly.

[clk]

Thank you for your reply, I am treading water as best I can.

 

[BillT]

Prayer to you that you will find some small solace here with these good understanding people who are on similar journeys.

Bill