FUNNYFACE

Ann I am a only child too and know how you feel.... .Tootie was right....you have come to the right place...I have found that out....hear you can really let all of yor feelings and emotions out and NO ONE will judge you...that God for this site in the middle of the night when I can't sleep....

We will all make it through this terrible time together....

Welcome....

Elaine

EVERYONE.....

I thought that I was reading a post that I wrote......it is amazing.....my husband didn't have a good relationship with either of his parents + when they passed away it was....bury them....distribute what needs to be distributed and go on with your life.....He is also a diabetic that can't control his blood sugar+ has retired at 55....I did too....until my Mother passed away 6 months ago...he doesn't understand how I can still be grieving...should be over it by now..... he decided that I should go back to work a couple days a week ( I am a nurse) because that would "take my mind off of my grief"....as if that would do it...now the only thing that I have done is substitute one stress for another.... .than he did have a good suggestion of going to a HOV support group...my 2nd mtg will be tomorrow night....

It is so hard to make others understand what we are going through....I think it would be great if somehow we could all meet for coffee.....PIE or CHOCOLATE CAKE would be better......Do we all live here in Phoenix ????

Funnyface

Ann B.

I to am an only child and lost my father 1 yr ago after 15 with Alzheimers and lost my Mom in Sept 2005. I am married and have 1 son + a wonderful daughter-in-law but I too feel like I have no famiy now. I really don't have any other family members..I was very close to both of my parents+ feel like a little lost sheep.Funny how we all have experienced the friends+support for right around 2 weeks than they are gone.In my case I was the one that always made sure that if there was a death in the family or anyone that I remotely knew that they had food...that was my thing...not one person offered to bring food to my house when my parents died...I am the one to call my "friends" to check on them when they are going through hard times...the phone lines only go one way..I guess. I just finished the book the HOV puts out + it is great...also tomorrow night will be my second with the group sessions...just being able to sit down and type this and know that there are others at their computers too that are going through the same thing and understand and support makes a world of difference. Glad you found us.

Really the only thing that I can say is know that you are not crazy....and things are bound to get better....I started a new job and boy...do I feel stupid...can't concentrate on learning what I need too....never had this trouble before....

Always here.....Funnyface

Thanks for the info....I too have been told....it's been 7 months...you should be over losing your parents by now...How come you still feel so bad when you go through all of their things ???? I guess some people just don't get it.

Funnyface

I want to also thank you for the information on the web site...I too signed up...and think it will help getting little encouraging messages daily.

Thank you again.....Funnyface

My father died on March 20 2005....He was Irish and to him St. Patricks Day was the only day ......he would dress up in a green business suit (lord knows where he got it)and green hat...decked out in shamrocks and off he would go to work......last St. Patrick's Day was horrible for me and it is just as bad this year. Yesterday I went and put Shamrocks on his grave and tomorrow I will toast him with Harp beer but I sure do miss the little Leprechan....he looked just like one ....with his short sature, red hair etc....I miss him so much....I didn't really have a chance to grieve him when he died because I was trying to be so strong for my Mom....there was only the 3 of us.....that now that she is gone it kinda crept up on me......next St Paddy's Day will be better I hope......

Funnyface

I see me in each and every one of your posts....the only thing different is that I haven't dream of my Mom since she died in Sept 2006 and that bothers me..My Dad died in March 2005 and I did dream of him for the first time last week....BUT.....I raise African violets and I have a huge one in my living room. On the day that my Mom died it started blooming and it has bloomed since...over 6 months of continuous blooming and jone of the flowers have died. This is very unusal...my family thinks that I am crazy when I tell them that it is Mom smiling down on my violet but I think that is what she is doing.....they all think that I am crazy. I am going to my first counseling session tonight and hopefully it will help me deal with my loss....My Mom was my best friend and I feel so lost without her.....and I am now just grieving my Dad. St. Patrick's day ment more to him than his birthday and he died 3 days after....took Shamrocks out to his grave yesterday.....thanks for letting me ramble on and on.

Funnyface

Tootie: I know how it feels to feel alone....I am an only child and have only 1 son so he will be in the same boat as I....My father died first. It will be 2 yrs on the 19th. He was Irish and St Patrick's day was the biggest holiday to him.He would dress all in green and have a wonderful time. He had Alzheimer's for 15 yrs and the last 5 in a A. unit. My mother was in the same facility but in a assisted living apartment. She died in Sept. In some ways I was lucky because when I made a decision there was no one to second guess me but in the same token they was no one to go to for help or to grieve with. My husband has known my parents since he was 10 + considered them like his own but it isn't the same. I didn't really grieve my father until my mother passed and now I have a double header. My house too was and is a mess......I dont want to do anything at all....My husband suggested going back to work part time ...but that too has not helped...only added a extra layer of problems to the grief. I will attended a counseling session this evening for the first time....I felt that I could handle this totally on my own but I know I can't....partly due to the wonderful counselor that monitors our posts...Someone on the posts suggested a book "Healing after Loss" daily meditations for Working Through Grief". I got it though Amazon and it has really helped me....it has a daily little reading that helps me get through the day...it is not a book that you sit down and read all the way through..you read a little daily....really has helped....Most of all don't feel that you are alone....or going crazy.....we all grieve in different ways and at different speeds. You will get through this just as I will and those before us did. Like a wise son of mine said to me.....people from the beginning down have had to go through this and survived and we will too....

Funnyface

You can come here and we'll all cry together hows that My mom died a little over a month ago and I cry everyday Erica. I still meet moms friends who didn't know she died and without knowing ask me how she is and then I have to let them know. And then we all start crying LOL, and its ok to do that.

Tears are little drops of love my friend, always remember that, pleaase don't ever hold them back.

Huge hugs coming your way,

Sean..........................

I just opened this site again because I am feeling so very alone.....I have lost both parents this past year and just sold the house I was raised in....went by there today to see what the new owners have done to fix it up and I should not have done that........it just tore all the wounds of losing them open again......it's been 6 months since my Mother died....I have gone back to work ( didn't need to financially) because I thought it would help ease some of the pain....I don't think it matters how old we are or what kind of experience we have had with our parents....when they are really gone..it hurts....even if there was bad blood before their death you knew that you could always try to patch things up another day .....but once they are gone ....that is it....I was lucky....I had 2 parents that I knew everyday loved me and that is what I try to convey to my son.....I don't want him to wonder after I am gone....Did she really love me.....can't believe that I am just rambling on and on......we are all in this together and I have found such comfort here.........

Maylissa: Well.....I went for a job interview today...I am a nurse so jobs are plentiful.....only 2-3 days a week.....in a doctor's office....I think it will help me get going with my life.....right now I have no reason to get up in the morning....no motivation to do anything and now I will be forced to do it 2- 3 days a week. I miss being around patients and helping people feel better( how's that for irony ?).....I don't start until 2/13 so I still have time to back out. I helped get a law passed here in Az regarding intermediaries for finding adopted adults and birth parents.....this is all I thought about for 25 yrs....I wanted to be a certified confidential intermediary......never could due to working.......once I quit I took the class...passed the 4 hr test and couldn't wait to get me first case.....that was in Jan 04......now.....I could care less......have to open cases and just can't seem to get into it anymore.......come to think of it.....I can't seem to get interested in anything anymore......Next week I sign the house over and I sure don't know how I will feel.....of course I know how I will feel.....REALLY EMPTY

Thanks for answering me....it sure helps to sit down + write and express my feelings to someone that knows what I am going through....my husband says he's worried about me and wants me to go see a Hospice Counselor......that would be defeating for me.......

Funnyface

Thanks Maylissa :

It is great being able to communicate with people going through basically the same thing....I am so sorry about your other family members....that is one thing that I didn't have to deal with......I could take charge so to speak and not hurt anyones feelings......

I really need to snap out of this.....my house is so full of dust that I bet tomatoes would grow.....we are planning a family trip: me, my husband, son, his wife and her father but I can't get into it.....I am leaving everything up to them.....it is a once in a life time trip but I really don't care..

Still have one more time actually in the house.....Hospice couldn't pick up everything and needs to come back.....then the dreaded day to sign the final papers for the sale of the house.....EVERYTHING my parents worked for a sacrificed for gone.......I plan to walk through when everything is gone and take pix....at least that is my plan now......

I hope you are feeling better....and don't worry about rambling on.....that is what this is for !!!!!!!!!!

Funnyface

I have been very proud of myself the way I think that I have been handling this....being the only child and all....lost my Father in March and Mother in Sept.......

Now comes the resurection of all the feelings.....the house that I grew up in has to be emptied and sold......just walking in the front door brings back so many memories.....all the great stuff ....but memories just the same.....walking into the kitchen I can smell breakfest cooking and my Mom standing there by the stove...and in walks my Dad in his sleeve less T-shirt......I walk into my bedroom and I am definitely a child all over again......

Then comes the sorting of all their tresures.....it feels like I am totally invading their privacy going through dresser drawers, closets ...and cherished possessions. what to keep....what to donate....what to through away. ....there is a big dumpster in the driveway for that.......movies, pictures, clothes, chidhood treasures, dishes....you know ..all the stuff.

I hadn't been in my Father's gargage for over 5 years....since he left for the Alzheimer unit....it was his little heaven ...and when I walked in it was the hardest thing I ever had to do.......

Took 2 days....( I had gone through some things a year before) to wipe out their 50 years together in that house.

Next day was the Title company.......I was going to sign away the house I was raised in......that was also so very painful.......I have spent the last 2 days totally in bed......just sleeping.....maybe if I sleep I won't have to think about what I have done.......this is almost worse than losing them.

I know that it is a good thing to get this over with and move on with my life but I didn't realize it would be so very very painful.......

I so appreciate being able to just ramble on and on.....

Thanks....

Funnyface

WHEN I FIRST JOINED IN ON THE POSTS I WAS RECEIVING NOTICE IF SOMEONE RESPONDED TO MY POST BUT NOW THERE IS NOTHING....JUST THOUGHT I WOULD ADD MY 2 CENTS WORTH.....

ALSO MOST OF THE TIME I DON'T HAVE TO LOG IN WHICH SEEMS STANGE......

THIS IS A WONDERFUL SITE HOWEVER...IT IS EASIER TO RELATE TO PEOPLE THAT ARE GOING THROUGH THE SAME HURT AS I.......

THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH FOR PROVIDING THIS FORUM FOR US....

FUNNYFACE

Dear Still a Daughter:

I couldn't believe how similar your story is to mine...I am a only child, and by the way a nurse and my father died 3/05 and my mother 9/05. My father had Alzheimers for 15 years and my mother would cover up alot for him....I really didn't understand the extent until about 5 years ago when she got a compression fracture of her back and I became the care giver for my father while she was in the hospital......I too, took them to doctors, tests, stores etc, and when things got really bad ( I am disabled) I found the best assisted living apt with a Alzheimer unit I could find..and still continues with all the running around and being there almost daily........everytime the phone rang during the night my heart would sink. My father was steadily going down hill and they wanted to put feeding tube down but Mom + I decided against that. He finally passed away in his sleep. It was funny because I didn't really grieve for him like I thought I would ( I was a Daddy's girl) and I guess it was because I had really all ready lost him.....but with my Mom it has been very different.....she was diagnosed with breast cancer in May and after a mastectomy she finally passed in Sept after starving herself......she was in patient in the Hospice and I would not leave her side.....my husband + I would take turns being with her.....I did not want her to die alone......She passed just after I had left to try to sleep for a couple of hours.

I miss her so much ...it hurts...she was my best friend......I had quit work and now I am at a loss.....not that I really feel like I want to do anything anyway.......

My husband walked in after undergoing a stress treadmil and proceeded to tell me that it was possitive and that he would need a cardiac catherization and possible heart stent and I just burst our crying and begged him not to leave me to.....that is so out of character for me.....I am usually a glass half full type person. After the cath Friday when the doctor came out and told me what they found and that they were going to be the stents I just brought down crying.....I think he thought that I was nuts.......but I was so releaved that they could fix him up ......

I have been rambling and don't mean too........I have also been told that we need to find something for us to do with ourselves because we have been so invested with our parents.......we had just come back from a 4 week vacation when my Mom was diagnosised with cancer and I felt guilty that I had been gone for 4 wks.....now we are planning a long trip and it feels very strange that I don't have to worry about her etc.

I have found that this is a great out let for your feelings and the others that write here are very supportive....after all .....we are all in the same boat and on the same journey.

Funnyface

John....Thank you for the list .......I have ordered one book and I am always looking for some other way to help me through this terrible path.....I went to a one night counseling session on surviving the holidays but somehow it is much easier here to bear my feelings and fears.....

Thanks to everyone that contributes to this web-site.....you all have been a great help....

Funnyface

After reading all of your posts, mine seems kind of petty......I am about to sort and dispose of things in the house that I grew up in and then sell the house....Father died 3/05 and Mother in 9/05. I am a only child ..and they have not lived in the house for 5 years...have had a care taker living there, and I have known that this day would come but now it is HERE. I was so proud of myself that I have made it through the holidays, my husband's heart stent procedure last week but now comes probably the hardest part.

It will be very very hard to throw out their lives together....things that ment so much to them will be gone, just like the people that lived there and owned these things are gone.....

Just like buying new bedspreads etc. have to be done to go on , so this has to be too.....I do think that it will help to get on with this and then I will be able to heal....Now I know that is waiting for me to do and I keep putting it off.

I guess I am just rambling, and I don't mean to.....this site has been my saving grace because somethings I can't even discuss with my husband....he didn't have the kind of family that I have been lucky enough to have and I don't feel that he understands......THANKS for being here....

Walt....thank you for the advice about the book.....I have just ordered it.....This sight is so wonderful.....I feel that it is eaiser to express my feelings here than with my own family.....I guess it is because we are all in the same boat......I lost my Dad in March and Mom is Sept 2005 and I am a only child....had a very special relationship with both of them......went to the cemetary to lay a wreath there and the headstone was installed all ready....first time I had seen it and boy....does that ever hit you right in the face........We will survive 2006 I have no doubt and it is wonderful being able to have this site....

We are all in this together......

Funnyface

Hi there,

I am also entering this New Year without my mom for the first time, she passed in November 2005. I had a terrible holiday both Christmas and New Year's and her birthday is on Dec. 26...double whammy. For New Year's Eve I stayed in because all I could do was cry. I couldn't grin and bear it and fake to have a good time. I am wondering whether this will be a year for me to keep her alive in all the actions I do; or I question how the heck I'm going to get through this. I am a firm believer that things will get better from here on in but I haven't felt it ease this loss. What do we do? How do we get the energy to keep our mothers here with us in the New Year?

Well....we have reached one hurdle.....we have made it through the holidays.....and we should be proud. I had a in your face experience over the holiday....I went out to the cemetary to put a wreath on my Father+Mother's grave and the head stone was all ready there. Boy....it really hits you right between the eyes when you see that for the first time......their names actually on a tombstone. .......I have no doubt that we will all make it through this next year......like my son said.....everyone has to go through this .....that is the way life is......I miss my Mother so bad it hurts sometimes...and I don't feel her around me and that bothers me too......a counselor told me that sometimes you don't feel their presence until they feel you are ready....I know that my Father died in March and I had a dream of him for the first time the other night......his birthday is tomorrow.....I miss him so much too but lost him years ago to Alzheimers.....I know in my heart that I have to get myself together and get going with my life and I try but then all of a sudden this horrible sadness comes over me again......we all sound like we are in the same boat.....it really helps to be able to write down how you feel and know that there are others that you can communicate with that are going through the same things.....even if we don't have any answers for one another at least we know that we are not alone......Tomorrow will be better.....

Funnyface

My Mother past away June 19th,2005. (it was Fathers day) My sister and I were adopted when we were babies. We were adopted by my biological fathers, sister. She was my best friend and I miss her so much. She was only 56 when she died and it was a sudden death; I was at my parents house fixing my Dad dinner for Fathers day and about 5:00 pm we left to go home and get ready for church and my aunt called and said something is wrong with your Mom we have called an ambulance you might want to come back out to the house!!! I told her I would just meet them at the hospital . My Mom was fine when I left so I just didn't think it was that serious. My Dad called back and said come and get me and take me up to the hospital and I said just ride with my aunt who was already at his house; then he said sis there is somethingbad wrong with your Mom!! I told him to let me talk to her and he said no she can't talk , I told him to give the phone to my aunt and I told my aunt to put the phone up to her ear and she did, I told my Mom that I loved her and I would see her at the hospital and she said I can't breathe,Ican't breathe. That would be the last thing I would hear my mother say because she died on the way to the hospital of an anurizum in her pancreas. I did everything with my Mom. My kids were very close to her. There is never a minute of the day I don't think of her. Her side of the family which is really blood doesn't even call or talk to us and before her death we did everything with them we were all very close. I thought they would be there for us but there not. I have not just lost my Mother, my bestfriend,but I have lost all the gatherings we had with family.On Christmas one of my Mom's sisters did call she had worked this Christmas but she said that everybody else(meanig my Mom's other 2 sisters and 3 brothers and their families)was having Christmas dinner together. My sister and me our Father and ourkids and husbands stayed home. No one sent a card or made sure we were okay. I feel like we have been forgotten. I wish my Mom was here so bad.I have been on medicine because I couldn't function. I got off the medicine because I couldn't function . What now ???? I( feel like I am going crazy!! WILL I EVER BE HAPPY AGAIN??????????? What can I do????

Tonya...I am so sorry that you lost your Mom....I to lost my Mother, my best friend in Sept. She was 82 and I miss her very much....There was no Christmas decorations etc in my house and no Christmas cards sent.....how in the world could I celebrate when I was so empty inside. I have a wonderful husband, son + daughter-in-law and they all accepted my feelings about the holidays......I too am on medication to help me sleep.....can't turn my brain off and when I do close my eyes all I see is my Mother laying there on the hospital bed dying.....I don't think that your family didn't care about you at Christmas ....I just think that they were so wrapped up in their own worlds that they didn't try to understand the way that you felt.....everyone grieves in their own way ...so I have been told....my Father passed away in March, and I was a Daddy's girl but when you lose your Mom it is somehow different...it doesn't matter how old you are ......if you have had the kind of relationship that it sounds like you had with your Mom it is even harder...

Just keep expressing yourself....I have found that it is very theraputic to write these posts......I'm sure that we will all be HAPPY again but it my take time to get that way.....

Don't beat yourself up about the way you are feeling but don't let it totally rule you either........I found that if I keep busy it does help..........WE MUST ALL KEEP OUR CHINS UP.....so to speak.....if you can...get a book on grieving....it sure has helped me....I am a nurse and have dealt with grieving from that side and all of this is new to me too....but I have read some things and that has helped me from thinking that I am going crazy.....just read the other posts here and that helps some too......

Funnyface

Thank you Maylissa.....just when we think that we are as low as possible...the phone rings and we desend lower. One of my husband's friends passed away 12/26/05. He had terminal cancer and wanted to go home for Christmas so Hospice got him a hospital bed, etc and he was able to spend Christmas with his family then died the next morning at home.......it has hit both my husband + I hard and he has had so many discussions with me regarding what would happen if he left me like that.......this really upsets me with the pending heart procedure that he will have done.....went to the "viewing " tonight and I was unable to stay in the church ......couldn't even look at the flowers that were there.......reminded me of my mother+father's .......had to leave......

I guess time will heal like everyone says......we all made it through Christmas didn't we.........

Thanks for the support.....

Funnyface

Maylissa......You hang in there too.....found out today that my husband of 38 yrs will need a heart catherization .....they wanted to do it during the holidays but will wait until 1/6/06.....of course with all the upset with losing my Mom..now I have to deal with my husband having something seriously wrong....I guess when you reach a certain age these things just keep piling up ....one thing after another.....

You try to have as good a Christmas as you can and I will do the same.....

Funnyface

Joey...don't feel bad....I am 56 and miss my Mother terribly....you are never to old to need your mom..( I hope that is true as I am a Mom)....I lost mine 2 months ago and the pain is still raw....it will be really hard to make it throught the holidays but I guess we all have too....it is especially hard when you have little ones that don't truly understand. At least my family is grown and they can kind of understand....

Everyone says that it will get better and I hope for all of us it does. Don't be so hard on yourself....that is what everyone tells me.....so I will tell you the same.

Have the best Holiday Season that you can......

Funnyface

I know what you mean about Christmas cards. My mother passed away in Sept. and my father in March 2005...I am a only child and was very close to both of them......now it is Christmas time....my used to be favorite time of the year....not this year.....My husband mentioned Christmas cards right after Thanksgiving...I told me I had no intentions of replaying my Mom's illness and death over and over again and would not be sending cards out this year....if he wanted to send cards he could have at it....

There are no decorations, inside or out and the only reason I have shopped is because I have a son and daughter-in-law to buy for....I could care less about Christmas Eve, Day anything....I just want to crawl in bed and pull the covers over me.....I miss my Mother especially so much...father had Alzheimers so we lost him years ago...

Hang in there....we all are in the same boat......Funnyface

Corina: Thank you for you words of encouragement. I feel guilty when I realize that there are people that have lost their spouses ....like you and I am so upset over the lose of my parents. I don't know what I would do if I lost my husband of 38 years. He is not healthy and has many medical problems and I am so afraid that I will lose him to at 57. I know that I will make it through this time....everyone does....and I know that everyone has to take this journey at their own speed and I guess that I feel that I should be getting on at a quicker rate than I am but after reading some of the posts and talking with other people I find that I am being to hard on myself. I know that both my parents are in a better place. No more pain, my father has his mind back and they are in one another's arms again ...but I still miss them so much. I pick up the phone to call my Mom almost everyday...need to take it off my speed dial..My family has been great..no pressure for the holidays...just doing what I feel is the best thing right now. Christmas will be the bad one for me but will get through it...what else is there to do but get through it. I know what you mean as far as parents living on in their grandchildren. My son is just like my Dad...is personality and looks...

Thank you again for your kind words....you know how we nurses are...we need to fix everyone...and get mad when we are the ones that need to be fixed.

Funnyface

Maylissa....thank you for your encouragement.....I guess I am to hard on myself.......I went into working almost right away....and now the temp job is over and I am faced with finally doing the things I have been putting off like taking care of my mother's things, selling the house I grew up in etc. and it all seems so over whelming......I just keep putting it off and putting it off.....I don't think I have even spoke much about my Mom because it hurts to bad. i don't want to answer the phone, go anywhere, do anything.....and that is not like me at all......I know all the quotes...she is in a better place, she is now with your father etc. but she isn't here.......that is all I care about right now....my husband didn't have the close family like I did and he doesn't understand the pain that I am going through, so it is hard for him to help.....I think he feels that I should be pretty much back to normal by now....what ever normal is.........it has all ready helped me reading the posts of others and I realize that I am not the only one that has the feelings that I do........

I am not at all offended by what you said.....

Thanks.....Funnyface