emptyinside

"As groundbreaking as her work in death and dying was, Kubler-Ross's "stages" model was never meant to apply to those who are in mourning. Her studies were focused on patients who were terminally ill and dying. That is a common mistake you will find repeatedly in the literature still today. But there has been a wealth of research done since Kubler-Ross' pioneering work that focuses specifically on bereavement, loss and grief."

Marty, I wasn't aware of that! Everywhere I read it talks about the stages as applied to the grieving, so it feels like some kind of series I have to experience, ending in "Acceptance," and if I haven't reached these points in a timely fashion, I'm some kind of failure.

Niamh, so glad the group wasn't as bad as you dreaded. I think as with any support group you have the right to take what you want to apply and discard the rest that you feel won't be helpful. After all, you know yourself best. (((Big Hugs)))

You're not alone there. I miss my my dad's responses so much. I can write down what my day is like, telling my dad something that happened, but the point is that HE'S NOT RESPONDING. Would he laugh at this part or the next sentence? What would he advise about this situation? If I recounted a joke, would he think it was hilarious or just chuckle? I'm so frustrated at having to imagine what he'd say or do. ((HUGS))

I understand that. I often get the urge to tell my dad news or hear something from him when I'd usually hear from him. I haven't found a way to stop feeling this way, though.

IMO, no. I feel gutted, and there's always this lost and empty feeling. It's just that sometimes I am distracted and don't think of it as much, but the emptiness is still there. I equate it to having a permanently broken arm or something. Sometimes I can distract myself so I don't think about it, but it's always there nonetheless.

Are you me? I could really relate to this. I am often baffled at people's insensitivity because I feel like I've gone through this huge trauma, and the least people could do is be nice. Is politeness dead? Sometimes a long sleep helps ease the anger, but sometimes the anger flares and it becomes really hard to control it.

I really hate myself. I feel like I'm this emotional headcase now that everyone probably sees as crazy. I don't like who I've become in grief. I just want to be well-adjusted and normal, like I used to be. Now I find myself crying sometimes, longing for the good old days when things were normal, and I'm just not happy. I can enjoy some things, but they're brief feelings. I feel there's a darkness that's riding with me all the time, and now I feel like such a weak loser. I don't really know who I am, but whoever this is, it's a disgusting person I don't want to live with.

Yes. I'm very sensitive to goodbyes or endings now.

Hello Antony, I echo Niamh's answer. It's minute by minute for me. I try not to think too much into the future (panic attacks happen when I do that), but it's so hard and I'm not always successful. What I do is probably what you're doing. I'm distracting myself. I try to read (but most of the time it's hard because my concentration sucks now), shop, watch lots of TV. I just try to do things that let me zone out and stop thinking. Plus I tell myself that it's okay to do things I like, that it's like a vacation for my mind that's been through hell. Don't have any advice because I'm struggling as well.

Just wondering if people here have found a profound difference in their grief with ADs or anti-anxiety medication? If so, how long has it been helping? Thanks.

Yup. I do.

I understand your pain. I lost my dad very suddenly about a month ago. We were very close. He was 63, too young. I'm 30. It makes me so sad, all of the things I took for granted. Some days I think I'm in denial - I keep expecting him to be at his computer when I come home. It's like there is this huge gaping hole in my heart, and when I let the reality of the situation sink in, it is so unbearable. I feel urges to do horrible things. I have to fight the urge to scream. Running helps. Need a punching bag. I am so thankful for my mum, and for one close friend that is always here when I need her. All of my other friends have stopped calling. It's like the world expects you to act like nothing's changed, when the whole world has spun out of orbit. Dad was always there for me. Always. I turned to him for advice and support, and he always gave it, and in such a loving way. How can you continue on, knowing that is gone? Just *poof* gone! In an instant. It's so final. I keep feeling like if I did this or did that, he might come back. But I know he isn't coming back.

I am so sorry for your loss Hello123. A wonderful dad is impossible to replace. I'm here if you need to talk. <3

I could have written this. The world does expect everything to just continue like before, while you're left alone, away from the person who loved you unconditionally. I'm sorry you have to feel this, too, Ooni.

Yes, I think we can. As I recall, there are studies that say you can die of a broken heart.

Ever think of something or get an idea and think for a split second how great it'd be to tell the person who passed away, then you realize the person is gone?

I'm a fixer, too, and I never thought this would happen. I always thought I could fix it somehow, through prayer, through information, through other people. Well, I failed, and I can't shake the feeling that I let my loved one down.

I realized I will have to go to this one place I've never been to except with my loved one. I can't get out of it, and I was just picturing myself there, what it was like last time, and it dawned on me that the last time I went there it was before he died. I had a panic attack at the thought. Somehow it just renews the grief in my head, so now I feel a little like I did after he died. Panic, shortness of breath, chest pains, feeling of being lost and stranded. If I'm having panic attacks at the thought of the place, I wonder how it will be for real? Has anyone successfully overcome their panic attacks either through prescriptions or otherwise? I'd love to hear people's stories.

Does anyone feel like they're going crazy because you're just a bundle of nerves? Sometimes I am so on edge I can't sleep at all. The grief comes back full force during these times. I don't know what my life is supposed to mean now.

Chai,

Thank you for updating us. I am a people pleaser like you, so I understand your feelings about this. I'm just so glad you've found peace. Your peace of mind is the top priority now. Take good care of yourself, and I hope the trip is a good one.

Em

LostDaughter, I relate to your post a lot. I find it difficult to handle myself emotionally, and on top of that I am disgusted at people's behavior and callousness. Can't really help, but I hope it helps a little to know people here understand.

Posted.

Do you ever wish someone could come into your life and replace your loved one? Not in the way where the new person 100% replaces him or her in your heart, but just someone who can represent that type of relationship so you don't feel as bad? Weird thought, I know.

Chai,

You really hit the nail on the head. The divided love description and how our dads' love wasn't divided in the same way. Exactly. Exactly. That is what hurts so much.

I PMed you. What a difficult situation.

Having a bad day. I feel this insidious loneliness, like I'm not on the same wavelength as the rest of the world. It's like I have nothing holding me in a stable, secure spot, and my sadness seems never-ending. I look at old pictures of myself and don't recognize her. She seemed so happy and, well, NORMAL...and now I feel like an insane mess with a different personality. I feel like if I look in the mirror, I won't have a reflection. I don't know how to make this better. Has anyone improved at all from this feeling, if anyone relates? It feels endless.

I think I'm going through this as well with 3 of my friends. I don't think they mean to distance themselves. It could be a reaction to me distancing myself, I don't really know. I just don't feel I can talk to them about how I feel, or even be honest about how I'm feeling. If I'm not happy and fun all the time they don't want to be around me because I make them feel stressed out. They also think I'm crazy because I've been acting weird. I just can't even explain to them what's going on in my head because I'm too emotional. I cry all the time. The weird thing is one of them lost someone not too long ago, so I should feel like I can talk to her, but I almost need her to tell me it's ok. I don't want to drag her down too. I just feel like a wreck and hate everything about life right now. It's hard to be fun when you're depressed all the time. My grandfather died on my father's side, and my father died a long time ago but I never grieved for him. I have guilt about my grandfather and how things ended with him and grief about my dad dying. Things in my life are good but I feel extreme emotional pain when I'm alone. It's almost unbearable. Any family I'm close to is on the other side of the country and those that are nearby I hardly know or don't feel comfortable talking to. There are other people here I could try to talk to but I'm terrified of ruining more of my friendships.

I relate to what you wrote. I don't have experience with a friend losing a loved one, but when I lost one, I expected 100% support and understanding because this is one of the worst things that can happen to a person (I'm learning that this is a stupid expectation). When I'm alone, I feel such pain, and I just feel wrong all over, too scared to reveal too much in the future in case I ruin the rest of my friendships. I'm so self-conscious now. Am I talking too much? Too little? Do I act differently than I normally would? I try to pinpoint these differences so I can stop them, but it's hard to do it when you originate them.

April 24 was the day my world ended. I know all of us are dealing with the same issues. The lonliness, the fear, frustration and pain that seems like it will cut me in half. I am just wondering; for those of you who like myself don't have any family close by, do you think the pain is worse? I am constantly afraid that I will get sick (I am only 50, but as we all know so well being young is no protection) and I won't have anyone to take care of me. As a matter of fact, shortly after I lost him, one of my cousins said "if you get sick or you have to have surgery, you will probably end up in a nursing home until you get better". Now, I can't get that thought out of my head. Having surgery or being in the hospital and not having and advocate. Not having anyone to help me through it.

Even everyday life seems like it would be better if I had family close by; stupid stuff like "do I need an electrician or just a handyman" "should I take the dog to the vet or not" "do I really need all of that maintenance work done on my car".

Just being able to show up at somebody's house for supper unannounced.

And one of the most important things of all just having someone put their arms around me and saying "I love you, I am here for you"

Just need to know if anyone else without family feels the same as me????

Thanks!

I really understand the fear so well. It terrifies me.