I lost my husband to cancer on the 7th of November. We found out he had cancer on the 26th of September. He had stomach cancer and they said he had had it for two years, but there were no symptoms. It was six weeks from start to finish. We had no idea it would be so fast. For the last three weeks he was out of it. He didn't know where he was or who anyone was. He had one surgery on the 26th (exploratory). A week later, he had surgery again trying to fix things. This one created a bowel blockage which made it impossible to get food down by mouth or his feeding tube. His weight dropped to the point that he looked like the pictures of hollocost victims. All the fluids in his body went to his abdomen. We had to buy large pants so he could go to the doctor. A week later, on a Wednesday, he had his first and only chemo. The next day, they drained his fluids which dehydrated him and put him in the hospital emergency room. They put him in ICU where he stayed for the last two weeks of his life. He was not concious of any of that. I stayed with him night and day. I was afraid not to be there. The nurses kept making serious mistakes. It seemed that all I did during this time was fight nurses, doctors, and the hospital. I couldn't do anything that helped. I just had to watch my precious husband's life slip away. I thought that was the hardest thing I could ever do. I was so wrong. At least then I could look at him and hold his hand. He didn't realize he was going to die so quickly. I have spent this month going through papers, familiarizing myself with all our finances, dealing with insurance, social security, and our broker. It has kept me busy most of the time--but not all of the time. I have what I have named the "whooshes". They will hit at any time. I will suddenly realize he is really gone. My stomach will drop to the floor, and my chest constricts and I have to work at breathing. It seems the longer I go, the worse the pain gets. I just break down and cry at the drop of a hat. My work gave me two months leave. I hope that is enough. The holidays are not making this better. I just want to pull the covers over my head and hide. The thing is that I can't hide from the pain. I always thought I could imagine what people went through. I had no idea. How can you hurt so much and not bleed? Half of my soul has been ripped out.