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Hi Em, I was hounded by a similar feeling of guilt. When my dad was visiting with me, he had asked me offhandedly to buy him a digital camera (he had never used one before). His eyesight was failing, he wouldn't know how to transfer pictures to a computer etc. so I didn't take it too seriously. All I had to do was to buy him a simple camera that would have made him enormously happy. I didn't. There were other issues going on in my life then, and all the focus was there. Eventually, he went back from visiting me for a few months, and his health started failing. After he passed away, this issue grew in my head, and kept nagging me. What a thoughtless idiot I was. That simple act of gifting him a camera would have made the both of us so happy -- suddenly, all my love for him seemed to be in question from that one thing (was i a good son after all?). A few days after I came back from his funeral, something in my mind drove me to Frys. I bought a camera just as if he were alive, one that he would have really liked. For his posthumous birthday, I bought him a pair of sunglasses that he would have found very useful. These gifts are in a box for him, not ever to be used. I think I will continue to do things like that. That's my way of keeping him alive, I guess.

Hi EmptyInside, I had a severe panic attack several years ago when my father had just been diagnosed with triple-vessel heart disease. My dad passed away 9 months ago, and the panic/anxiety attacks have returned with a lot more frequency. At work, when driving, in the mall etc. -- completely unannounced -- a feeling of impending doom would hit. Clammy/cold hands, lightheadedness, chest tightness, fear of losing control etc. would last for about 15 minutes then subside. Absolute hell to go through. I've gotten some help via progressive muscle relaxation, 7/11 breathing, tap therapy techniques. My doc has prescribed minimum dose xanax to take on demand, and this pill works like a charm when used sparingly. Hope you can find some comfort zone where you can accept your father's loss, grieve, and still be able to live your life with relative happiness.

emptyinside, I just read this book: Life After Death by Deepak Chopra It's an interesting read, dealing with exactly the questions that you have posed (what indeed is consciousness?). This book opens up one's mind to the possibilities. I found it comforting.

After my father died, it took me 2 full days to get to his home, so I had just a few precious hours to be with his body before the rites took place. I watched my father getting cremated, and the image is burned into my mind. And then I had to let his ashes go away in a river. It was the most traumatic day of my life. emptyinside, if you believe your father's soul is separate from his body, take heart in that. You have just not seen the clothing that he had shed. If it has made it easier to keep him alive in your mind by not witnessing his funeral, then that by itself should justify it for you.

Thanks for those perceptive comments, Marty. The links you posted are very useful -- I will follow some of those suggestions. It is in some way heartening to find like-minded people who deal with such guilt emotions. Makes the healing process a little easier. Emptyinside, just like you did, I followed up with my dad's doctor after he passed. The irony was, after all the research into my father's conditions when he was alive, we never knew how exactly he died (my father had some breathlessness and was gone in a few minutes at home). I was raging inside to find out what got him finally - cardiac arrest, heart attack or something else. I felt like I needed some closure around that at the least. Had discussions with his doctor, then did more research. I'm not any clearer now, but the process of doing that helped. Regarding the sign I thought I saw, the night before I had to board a flight back to the US, he had mild chest pain in the hospital. It was after that that he kissed me and mentioned how happy he was that I had come to see him (he would suppress such emotions before). That WAS my sign. I was more bound to my flight ticket than to the subtle warning my mind threw out (my lesson: heed these signals in the future -- atleast for my own satisfaction). I think time per se will not heal the guilt nor the intensity of the grief. It is a question of our minds coming to some kind of understanding. Reading these forums gives me so much perspective, a sense of belonging with others, and ultimately, I hope, an acceptance of that which every one of us has to face in life.

Hi EmptyInside, I read your post and felt like you were voicing thoughts from my head - my dad passed away in similar circumstances 2 months ago. And I have been feeling exactly the same emotions you have been. My dad was 68, had diabetes and related conditions (kidney disease, heart disease). I lived halfway across the globe from my parents (they were in India), but we were very close (frequent visits both ways etc.). My dad had been in the hospital all this September from chronic kidney failure. I had rushed to be with him for about a week, handled everything from managing his care, speaking with the doctor and researching on the web. He was getting better, and my wife was alone here, so I flew back to the US. My dad went back home 5 days later, was so happy to be back. 2 days later, he suddenly passed away from an apparent cardiac arrest, in his own bed. I rushed back again, only to see his lifeless body, and to cremate it in front of my eyes. Being the only son of my parents, I now feel deeply deeply guilty for leaving him one week before. I feel so strongly that he would not have died had I been there with him. Perhaps I could have given him better CPR, perhaps I could have spotted the warning signs a bit earlier. The day I left, he had kissed me on the forehead and told me how happy he was to have seen me. I failed to take that as a sign. My dad was the kindest and most innocent man I ever knew, but I never told him that in as many words. Now I never can. We shared an unspoken bond that transcended everyday things, and now that's the only thing I can hold on to. I see your angst at not being able to do everything you possibly could to save him. After my dad passed away, I have played back every decision point over the last 10 years again and again to go down the "what if" paths. If I had not relocated last year, if I had not returned back too early, if I had researched a bit more on his last symptoms... We think deep inside our hearts that that extra effort could have saved our fathers. And it probably could have. But we are human too - we err in our judgements. We even err in how much optimistic we should be. And finally, we still cannot control the random events that rule our lives and our health. In my mind, that cross of guilt that we think we need to bear for the rest of our lives, is nothing but the shining love we had for our fathers. Don't resist the guilt - it only springs from your love.