mrspapajohn

Mary Linda - - I just want to echo Kath's sentiments. God bless you. You are in my thoughts and I am sending my newfound strength to you.

Kathy Papajohn

John - - I am so sorry for what you are going through, but I totally understand how hard it is to deal with people who expect us to "get on with our lives." On the year anniversary of the death of my husband, Stephen, it seemed like that was the time limit that many people gave me for grieving. One of my friends even felt compelled to tell me that once it was once customary for widows to wear black for a year after the death of their spouse. After the year was up, they stopped wearing black. I guess they were supposed to be free to start living again after a year. When I responded that my friend did not have a clue, she was insulted. I plan to take Susie Q's advice and just try to ignore remarks like that from people I care about. I do try to avoid people who try to give me advice, even though I know most are well-meaning.

Susie Q - - Thank you for your post. Everything you wrote is just good common sense. I guess I just needed to hear it from someone who does understand.

Kathy

Marsh - - My heart goes out to you. I have just passed the year mark and there are days when I wake up crying and go to bed crying. Then there are days when I marvel that I have come so far. It goes back and forth, almost like a tennis match being played in my brain and in my heart. Just the fact that we can get through a day is an accomplishment. Marty gives the best advice, "Be good to yourself." We are making it and indeed it is amazing to learn just how much strength we have, even though our hearts are broken. I will be thinking about you and hoping that you are finding some comfort any way you can.

Kathy

Bren - - First, I am so sorry that you had to fins this site, but I am glad that you did. I am twelve months into this journey and that amount of time seems to be the limit of patience that most friends and relatives have. Today, my brother-in-law told me to "suck it up." He continued with "After all, Stephen has been gone a year now. You can't expect to grieve forever." At this point I DO expect to grieve forever even though time has helped me to hide/control my outward emotions more than I did the first few months. As the good people on this site will tell you, everyone grieves differently, but the important thing is that you grieve whatever way helps you the most. Nothing is out of the so-called norm. Cry when you want; rant and rave when you want, cave-it-up when you want. Whatever it takes for you is the right thing to do. My heart goes out to you and I hope that you find some comfort soon. We all have to learn the "new" life that awaits us. I personally believe that our loved ones are always with us to help us find our new path, as hard as it is without their physical presence. I'm glad you are here. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Kathy

Hi Teny, my faraway friend. It is so good to see a post from you. My sister and brother-in-law are going to Greece this spring and have asked me to go too. If I am able to go, I will try to look you up. I hope that this year finally brings you some degree of peace. To lose someone that you love so much is probably the worse thing we will ever go through. I know that Yani is in your heart as my Stephen is in mine. Please take care. You are in my thoughts.

Kathy

Walt - How wonderful for your Jeannie that she had your love, and you hers for so many years. I can completely relate when you say you don't know what happy is anymore. My beloved husband of almost thirty years, Stephen, died one year ago yesterday. He also died unexpectantly of liver disease, after he had received a transplant. He had suffered three years of horrible torment before the transplant, but had three months of wonderful health before they diagnosed a new, very virulent strain of Hep C in the new liver. He lived one week after receiving the diagnosis. He died at home, in our bed, in my arms. I am very grateful for that but I am still lost when someone wishes me a "happy new year" because I still cannot picture "happy" without him. For this year I wish you and all the loving, caring people on this site peace for 2010.

Kathy

Babs - - When I read your post, I wanted to yell "Good for you, girl! Give 'em hell!" Even after a year, maybe especially after a year, I still have a very hard time dealing with people who just don't get it. Now that my year is almost "up" even some of my most understanding friends are rolling their eyes and saying, "C'mon now. It's been a year,. Get with it." At this point, I am really trying to avoid those people. I can only feel sorry for them because they must never have experienced a love or a relationship like this. Well Babs, I just wanted to say, "Congratulations," and thank you for a post that made me laugh instead of cry.

Kathy

Kat = = These holidays have been the most horrnedous of my entire life and I can't wait to let them go. As for letting go of 2009, as well as all the other past years, I don't think that I will ever be able to quite do that. The walks, talks, loves and just being together that occurred in those years will be with me forever. Still, I am not past the begging stage. Today I begged God , promised him anything, if I could have Stephen back. The harsh raelity is it is not to be. We must forge a new life for ourselves whether we want to or not. Stephen will have died one year ago on Jan. 6, so I wanted to move before that ignominious date. The moving was hectic and I an still recovering, but at least I won't see an unhappy memory ecerywhere I look. I will of course, put up pictures of us as a family on the walls. but I plan to try to make this my home. My biggest wish for all of you is a sense of peace. - - That we can make it through this time and come out better on the other end. My love to all of you and thank you so much for helping me through so many dark days.

Kathy

Ted - - As we keep hearing over and over, everyone handles their grief differrently. Personnally, I get a lot of comfort from visiting Stephen's grave, as I believe you would get if you decide to visit Adrianne's. I am from Glendale, AZ (just moved) and I had Stephen buried near his family and friends In Ft. Worth. I flew down to Ft. Worth to visit his grave on our wedding anniversary (2 1/2 months after he died), on my birthday (3 months later), on his birthday (2 months later), on Labor Day and Memorial Day. Sometimes I let his family know that I was coming, sometimes I did not. I am not flying down on these holidays as just after New Year will be the first anniversary of his death and I really don't believe that I could survive it. Each time I visit, I talk to him about all the things that have happened since my last visit, and then I generally degenerate into a whine that covers why he had to leave me when there were so many things left undone. Things we were going to do together, that I just can't get into gear to do without him. I end up bawling all the way back to the airport and must pretent that I have an awful cold, so people won't find me suspicious. It usually takes me two or three days to recover to the point that I can speak coherently with friends and family again. At least I am going to contact the funeral home in Ft. Worth so I can preplan and prepay to be buried alongside Stephen, My dear sister-in-law handled everything for me when Stephen died. I know that I would have been totally lost and I don't want someone else have to go through that after I am gone. In spite of all the misery and self-pity, visiting and speaking with him reinforces a feeling that he his still here, still in my heart. It helps to say all the things that I wish that I had said to him when he was alive. I repeat over and over how much I love him, and I believes he actually hears me say those words.

Ted, good luck. I know you'll make the right choice.

Kathy

Oh, John - - I am so very sorry for what you are going through. I faced my 28th anniversary just 2 months after Stephen died. Since I had Stephen buried near his friends and family in Ft. Worth, TX, and I live in Phoenix, it was a day that I could plan for. I flew to Ft. Worth without telling anyone in his family that I was coming, spent several cold and rainy hours at his grave (It was o.k. The weather matched my frame of mind), and then flew back to Phoenix. For the rest of my life I will remember how cold and empty the house was when I returned. The loneliness slapped me in the face as soon as I walked through the door.

Everyone handles these horrible, empty feelings differently. Some seem to find comfort being surrounded by family and friends. Others, like me, prefer to remain isolated with our own thoughts. I am getting through these holidays by pretending that it is not the holiday season at all. It is too soon for such specific memories to come creeping back. The nerves are too raw.

Some friends are understanding, others think that we should "snap out of it." I would much rather be around the understanding friends. Tough love has never worked for me personally. Just remember that it is you who is important tomorrow. Cry when you feel like it. Sleep when you can. Eat when you can. Talk about her all you want to. Steal away for quiet time when you need it. Remember, she is in your heart riding around with you and she always will be there.

Above all, I wish you peace tomorrow. Please log on and let us know how you did.

Kathy

Susie - - Thank you for starting this thread. I also would like to wish every one peace over these holidays. For many of us, they are "firsts" so we will have to see how we make it through.

Marty - - Please accept my special wishes to you over this holiday season, and thank you so much for always being there for all of us.

Kathy

Rochel - - Thank you so much for your lovely sentiment. And you are correct, we are a family. I wish everyone some semblance of peace over these holidays. Each one of you has touched my heart and helped to fill in the terrible void in the middle of my chest. I love you all.

Kathy

Vickie - - Just thinking about you going through that notebook broke my heart. A notebook like that is full of promises for future meetings, contacts, conversations with the people whose names and contact information are so often lovingly recorded on those pages. I have not been able to bring myself to go through Stephen's contacts yet. I have gotten a few cards from friends of ours, but I haven't yet responded. Maybe next week.

As far as handling Christmas, "recluse" sounds like a good strategy to me. It worked for me over Thanksgiving. Please tale care of yourself.

Peace,

Kathy

Oh, John - - I am, so very. very sorry for what you are going through. Thank you for sharing Krystal's picture with us. Her eyes are so beautiful, they are haunting. Like you and Krystal, my husband, Stephen, and I were inseperable for 28 years. Even now, when I read something funny or poignant, I turn to tell him about it. We shared everything, every day, every minute. Like you, I miss that sharing so much it is unbearable. Like you and Krystal, we did everything together from the diets, to stopping smoking, listening to the same type of music, working for the same political party, playing golf together, working in our careers together to the point that we shared the same secretary. Our favorite part of the day was lying together in each other's arms at night. Stephen died at home, in his own bed, in my arms. That is the one thing you missed with Krystal and I am so very sorry that you did not have that. Right now, though, we, the survivors, are not really damaged. Nothing in us is "broken." We are hollowed out. The loss of the love of our lives has left a gaping hole in our hearts and spirits. But please know, that these empty parts will begin to fill in again as our loves start moving back into our hearts. It will be a year on January 6 that Stephen died. I was so devastated that I could not stop crying. I cried 7 days a week, 24 hours a day, just stopping when the crying had so exausted me that I fell into a fitfull sleep, only to awaken and begin to cry again. These days, while I still cry on ocassion, I can actually feel Stephen in my heart. I cannot say that my heart is healing because it was never really broken. There just seemed to be this vast empty space where my heart had been and now that space is not quite so empty all the time because Stephen has come to live there. There are still days when the pain is overwhelming and I think, "How can anyone survive this?" But I do; we all do and eventually, those horrible pain-filled days come less often. We are never the same, but the new us that we become alone is better because we have lived with a love that embodied what a love between two people is supposed to be. As intolerably difficult as it is now, I know that we are the fortunate ones to have experienced a love so deep and so profound as ours was.

Peace, my friend. You are in my thoughts.

Kathy

John - - First, I am very, very sorry for your loss, but believe me about the depression; it is not just you. Losing someone who has shared your life, understood who you are and accepted the good and bad, loved you and was loved by you, is probably the hardest and most horrendous event that any of us will ever go through. You have found a site where members not only have experienced what you are going through and will empathize, but will support you whether you need to just vent or whether you post to share even the tiniest personal victory, like being able to sleep through the night. Right now there are probably no words of comfort that will help. Just remember to take care of yourself, eat, breathe and just try to get through each day as best you can. It may be hard to believe now, but it will get easier. Time does not heal all wounds, but it does make us stronger so that we can deal with them. You are in my thoughts. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Kathy

Boo - - I am so looking forward to seeing you and hopefully other people from this site who helped me (and are still helping me) get through the hardest period of my life. I am counting the days.

Kathy

Happy Birthday, Jeanne. I am so glad that you got through it o.k. It was one of the hardest "firsts" for me and my heart goes out to you.

Kathy

Hugs to everyone who, like me, is trying to survive the holidays. I believe that Derby's idea is wonderful and I love and admire the strength that it must take her to honor her husband that way. Since we all handle our grief differently, I believe that how we handle the holidays depends on us doing what we can as individuals. To those of you who are thinking about your family and friends and trying not to "spoil" Christmas for them, I admire your strength and unselfishness. Personally, I spent Thanksgiving alone, trying to pretend that there was no holiday. It has been eleven months since my husband, Stephen, died and as yet, the memories of the holidays we spent together (over 28 years worth) are still too painful for me. My friends and family are very understanding and they know that I plan to spend Christmas the same way I did Thanksgiving. My brother-in-law is coming to visit after New Years and that gives me a double reason to wish the holidays would be behind us. I wish you all peace and hope that these days will bring you happy memories. Please remember that the greatest gift that you can give is to be kind to yourself. I will be thinking and praying for all of you.

Kathy

Rochel - - A belated happy birthday from me to Bob. I hope that you made it through the day o.k. I would really question the fact that your insurance went up. Mine went down (Allstate). You might want to think about switching companies.

Peace

Kathy

Cherrie - - I am so very sorry about your husband. My husband, Stephen, also died last January. This has been the hardest year of my life, but it seems to be getting a little more under control. Our timetables for grief are all different, but perhaps more time will bring you some remnant of peace. Our husbands fought so hard for life because it is precious. The best we can do is honor them by going on with our lives. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Kathy

Lucia - - I am so sorry that you feel so sad. Your anniversary is indeed a special day and no wonder you are so filled with emotions. Give in to them. Your family and friends will understand. Your beloved Ben is in your heart and will always be with you. May your days be filled with peace and love.

Kathy

Boo - - I'd love to be part of your poll, but I had a hysterectomy 10 years ago and I can't really relate. The full moon is something else altogether. It definitely effects me. I can almost feel its pull on my heartstrings and emotions surface that I don't even try to control anymore.

Kathy

Kat - - Thank you for the poem. For me, I sure have a lot of questions to ask God when I see him.

Mrspapajohn

Debbie - - Vent all you want. That is what we are here for. My husband has been gone for 10 months and there are still days when all I do is cry. Take care of yourself. There are many on this sad journey with you.

Kathy

Pk - - Please accept my sympathy on the loss of your husband. In my opinion, there is nothing more difficult that we will ever go through than the loss of a spouse, someone who loves us for who we are, and whom we loved so very, very much. If nothing else, we were very fortunate to have experienced such love, but that certainly does not make it any easier.

I started dreamng about Stephen a couple of months after he died. At first, having the dreams was difficult because I was so devastated to wake up and find that they were just dreams, that in actuality, I had to face another day without him. Now, when I dream of Stephen, which is often, I speak with him as if he were just somewhere else, waiting and watching for me. I find the dreams very comforting.

I believe that we all wish we could change, or make a difference, in the final weeks, months, hours of our loved one's life. Unfortunately, that cannot happen, so I am so glad that you are able to have less emphasis on these things. They can eat you up.

We are all changed by this horrid experience. We are not who we were when we had our loves, and now, in addition to the grieving, we have to figure out who we are now and, as hard as it is to even picture, who we will be without our loves in our life. I believe that this will be a truly new discovery for all of us, so don't be surprised if you do not just automatically turn into the same person you were before you married. Their love has changed us and now we must discover how, and what will help us make our own way in this world and be happy again.

You have certainly found the right place to talk. Everyone on this site has and is suffering through grief and really cares about others in the same plight. Here, you will find sympathetic ears, support and sometimes great advice. I hope that it helps you. You will be in my thoughts.

Kathy