I so feel for you. I had a bad late stage of life and PTS experience with my Smitty. For a year, I went through the coulda shoulda's until I felt his voice telling me to stop replaying that part of his life over and over because it was keeping him stuck there in that hospital cage and he wanted to move on and be free and happy. When WIlly's time came I swore I wouldn't PTS, but the heartbreaking last night and what he went through made me suck it up and step in as his mommy and take him to be PTS. THankfully this time it went smoothly and peacefully. You don't know what fate would have befallen your baby had you waited. I've read horror stories online about people kicking themselves for NOT PTS I see many people (myself included) kick themselves for end of life decisions they make for loved ones in their care . I know firsthand the agony of these feelings. Let me tell you, it's impossible not to make mistakes under such dire circumstances when split second decisions need to be made under pressure. I learned this after beating myself up with every single pet I lost. With Willy, I learned to accept that there would be decisions I made in that final stage of life that hurt rather than helped him - and there were many. But at the time doing nothing wasn't an option either.. There are no hollywood endings and dying itself really sucks, if you ask me. I don't know why the end assumes such grandiose importance to those of us still living, but unfortunately it does. But try to remember that 25 minutes is a small fraction of the 14 years you had together. And if the experiences of my Dad and others I've read about here is accurate, what awaits us after death is a wonderful feeling. And if your dog is anything like my dog, the best place is always the "next place" Three things I have done to really help me since I lost Willy 2 months ago - and we were so close we were practically conjoined, since he was ill most of his 15 years: 1-I put his ashes in a soft plushy "huggable urn" http://www.huggableurns.com/ because having that relationship suddenly severed was just too painful for me. Being able to hold him inside his "new dog suit" helps me "communicate" with him and know our relationship lives on even though he is now a "level 3 player" while I'm still stuck on "level 2" 2-I honor his feelings not to stay stuck in those difficult last days by doing my best to stop myself every time I think of them, for his sake. 3-All his life, I pre-grieved his passing. Now I can look forward to the wonderful day when I can graduate from a Level 2 player to Level 3, and we can be together again in the same dimension. I know this is getting long, but I just want to say one more thing that helped me here on this board was reading - "those who survive need to find a new "normal" in their lives and to know that after a loved one dies, one does not remove that person from his or her life, but rather learns to develop a new relationship with the person now that he or she has died. " You don't have to let that bad experience be your last experience with her. Just as it would hurt us not to be loved when we're no longer young or beautiful, I believe those "spirits" want us to accept and love them for whoever they are now, rather than mourn the loss of who they were in life. It would be like crying every time you see your older dog because she's no longer a puppy. I know there are no words to help the pain you are experiencing. May your aching heart find comfort soon.
