LostnEmpty

Boo, My therapist told me it will take half the time that I was with Marc in order to get over or move on from his death but i don't think she is right. Even though I only knew him for just over a year and a half I don't know if that will ever happen. I don't want to feel like this any longer especially when I give birth to his baby, I can't be like this for her sake. I don't want her to end up being sad or depressed like me. You said you still have some of the feelings I described in my post, if you don't mind me asking how long has it been since your love past away? i can't try the Wii fit thing because i don't have a wii but i will try the breathing thing that Marty sugggested the next time I feel a painic attack. Thanks to everyone.

Kay, Marc and I found out that were are having a girl just 2 weeks before his death. He was so happy and thats what we were both hoping for. The ultrasound tech did say he was only 90% sure. I'm scared of that 10% chance that it could be a boy- I would be so upset to find that out because Marc died with the idea that he was having a baby girl. We already had a name picked out. Its Tabitha Ariel. Her first name I picked out and Marc picked out her middle name even though he tried to get me to pick it out I had told him i wanted him to do it since I chose her first name. It was important to me that he at least pick out her middle name. I hope so bad that the tech was right, i just couldn't handle it if I find out otherwise especially since we hadn't decided on a boy name just in case which we were going to do but that never happened.

I came home today from my first day back at work. It is so painful because everything there reminds me of Marc and we were always together there. But now its just me all alone- nothing feels right without him. I still can't believe he is gone and it continues to hit me and I cry hysterically to the point where i am gagging. I can't stop it. Why can't i be with Marc, why do I have to live and suffer? All I want is to just join Marc- I don't want to be here without him but I know I have our baby inside me and so I can't give into those thoughts. Its just so hard because thats all I think about. I continue to fall apart and I am so afraid of everything anymore. I just want these feelings of eternal pain to go away because I can't handle them anymore. I don't know what to do.

Dear Deborah, Thanks for reading my post. I tried to go to work on Friday night but the medical unit said the note from my ob wasn't specific enough so now I have to go back to my ob's office and have them fill out the paper they gave me. It's hard enough trying to go back to work and get into a new routine there without Marc, now they are just prolonging it and making it harder for me. All I do is rest at home cause I don't have anything else to do and I don't have anyone, so resting hasn't been a problem for me. Its the getting up and going out that is my problem- I don't want to do it alone or without Marc and it just seems pointless without him. Do you still have panic attacks, if not when did they eventually go away? Talia

Dear SD2, Thanks for your post. I am sorry you lost your wife. I can't imagine having to raise 4 children especially while grieving over your wife. I'm scared and worried at just having to give birth and raise this 1 child on my own without my Marc. When Marc was here I had no worries except for the expected physical pain of the delivery. I was confident that I could be a mother and any problem that came my way I would be able to get through because I had Marc. But now things are different, I am scared of everything- not the physical pain of delivery but the pain that Marc won't be there when I give birth and to raise our child. I've lost all that confidence and don't feel I will be able to be a good mother or be able to handle any problems that will come up. I don't know how you or anyone like us handles this or is able to move on. Talia

When Marc died, I feel like I died with him too as well. I will never be that person I was when he was here. He was the only person in my life to ever bring me true happiness. Before i met him I was always sad and depressed and had this void inside me that no one could fill. Then I met him and he changed that. Even my mom and my sister said they had never seen me so happy before in my entire life. He was just the person i had been waiting for all of my life and i didn't even know until I met him. I had never known or believed that one person could make me truly happy and change me for the better the way he did. But now he has been taken away from me forever and that happiness I had is gone forever as well. I can't stand feeling this sad- it hurts so much remembering him and knowing what will never be. Tonight I go to work where he worked as well. Its so hard cause everything and everyone reminds me of him. I had tried to go to work several times after his death but ended up having panic attacks and passing out there and only made it through 1 whole shift in March. If I can get cleared by the medical unit tonight then I will officially be working again. I don't want to go back there but I know I need to for Marc would not want me to give up this job because he had always said how lucky we were to get paid what we are getting paid and all of the benefits we have especially in this economy. Plus I need to make money and keep benefits for our baby when she arrives. Everything and everyday continues to be so sad and depressing- I just don't know how or if I will be able to function normally again. I read the posts from other members and i truly appreciate your kind words and advice as well as your shared stories of your lost loved ones. Your support helps me to try and keep holding on knowing that I am not the only one going through a terrible tragedy. I feel like this is the only outlet for me so I will continue to come back- I need to come back. As much as I am glad for finding this place and the people here it also saddens me that we all have had to experience this terrible pain in life. I wouldn't wish this on anyone not even the most evil human being because this is something that no one should ever have to go through. Its just not fair.

My name is Talia and my boyfriend Marc died on Thursday 02/19/09. He was 51 years old and the only man I've ever loved and trusted. I am now 7 months pregnant with his baby. Its not fair he was taken from us before we could start our family and get married. He died suddenly and unexpectedly of a heart attack as a result of an undiagnosed Coronary Artery disease. There were no warning signs or symptoms and he appeared to be healthy. He was in perfect shape, he excerised and ate healthy on a regular basis and he would try to make me do the same so we'd be able to live our lives together for as long as possible but little did we know, he had no chance. He wanted to live for a long time so he could be with me and our baby, he loved life and couldn't wait for her to be born and for us to get married after her arrival. This will be my first child and would have been my first and only marriage. For him it would be his 3rd child and second marriage. its not fair, he deserved to have a second chance at a family- thats all he wanted was a family that loved him as much as he loved us. I can't take the pain of him being gone. He won't be there for the birth of our little girl. He'll never have the chance to hold her and look into her eyes. I'm all alone without him- this isn't the way things are supposed to be. We knew each other for over a year and a half since July 2007 when i started working at his job. We started going out January 2008 and I moved in with him that May. We knew that there was no one else we wanted to be with for the rest of our lives except each other. We were in love with each other from the very beginning and our love grew with each passing day. We spent every single moment with each other. He always wanted to be around me for everything. This is so hard cause I need him here and he is gone and never coming back. I don't know how to live without him- he was always there for me. He was my life, my world, my best friend and he was everything to me. I can't live without him. Everyday is worse than the next, I cry all the time and i have been having panic attacks since he died. I'm severely depressed. People have told me I will be okay and it will get easier but I'm not okay and it gets harder everyday. I hate waking up because it's another day I have to live without him. I hate it and i hate everything. What is the point in doing anything if he is not here with me? Why did this have to happen to me when i can't handle it?