I lost the love of my life, my soulmate, & my best friend all in the same day when my husband Chris passed on April 9, 2009 from complications due to acute myelogenous leukemia. I feel like a part of my heart was ripped out. We were married for almost nine wonderful years, & I am so grateful for the time we had, but I am lonely & angry because he was taken from me so young (age 36). I am 14 years older than my husband, & I never thought I would be the one who had to experience the loss of my spouse. Even things like checking the word "widowed" on forms makes me nauseated. I couldn't sleep in our bed, so my boys & my daughter in law helped me to redo our bedroom with new furniture, candles & flowers, so I would have a sanctuary to relax & escape, but I still have trouble sleeping, & I hate silence in the room. The past two years have been a whirlwind of plans, while he worked to put me through nursing school. A month before I graduated, he was diagnosed with AML, and five months later, he lost his battle & my life was turned around. We had so many things we were going to do when I got my degree & license, and now those dreams will never be realized. He was too ill to even come to my graduation, which depressed him very much. I know he was proud of me, & I want to continue to make him proud. I went back to work this past week, but the whole time I was at work, I felt numb & wasn't enjoying my work at all, like I was before he passed & I still had hopes that he would recover, receive his bone marrow transplant, & our lives would continue as we had planned. Now when I am caring for my patients, I have too many reminders of Chris. I am dreading the day that I have a patient pass away, because I am not sure I can handle it. I would love to change the type of nursing I am doing, & work in labor & delivery (my eventual goal), but since I am a new graduate, I have to get a year experience as an RN before I can start working in my desired specialty. I am so afraid that his death will make it so stressful to work with sick adults that I will burn out on the career that I have dreamed about for many years & worked so hard to achieve. My saving grace is my four children from my first marriage, who have been there for me constantly, & our four grandchildren, who can make me laugh in the midst of my grief. We also have wonderful friends who have been trying to help me & be there for me. But we all feel a terrible loss in our lives, and nothing seems right. I realize it's a new loss, & I have a long road ahead before I might possibly feel anywhere near normal again. I try to do things that we used to do together, because I know that is what he would want. But it never seems right, & the things we loved to do start out fun but end up bringing me to tears because I want him there with me doing them, too. I am so lost & so alone. I am sorry for rambling, but I need to get my thoughts out & try to deal with them. As a nurse, I know what we tell our patients' families when they are dealing with the loss of a loved one, but I'm learning that we don't know what helps until we deal with it ourselves, & that dealing with grief is a personal thing. But I need help & advice from others who have been there...something none of my friends or family have experienced. Thank you for any comments or help anyone can give. Terre