Hello Everyone, It's been one month, seven days, 8hours and 3 mins since allen past. Today has been very bad for me. mostly because i received allens remains.I could not help but to cry even more . His remains came in a big plastic bag in a hard plastic box.It is so hard to know that is him.Then i was send all his photos from my cell to the computer to save them. I had to look at photos from the funeral which was very hard but i did do it, just in case something happen to my phone. I feel like I'm all alone. No one to really talk to. yes i type to you all but it still not the same. some people i use to talk to acts like i have some sort of disease like they can't talk to me since this happen . There excuse is I don't know what to say to you. It helps just to have people around you sometimes because when i'm alone at home with my children and i'm crying some of them don't understand. the older ones do but they go out with there friends and i'm left at home alone. some familly members call but its not the same as having a conversation in person. I have been running around everyday just so i won't be in the house alone. I have 18 year old i adopted he is handicap, 16 year old twins that are in chicago for the summer, a 14 year old, a4 year old, a 2 year old foster son, and a 15 year old sister in chicago for the summer as well. allens kids live in chicago. so with the older ones gone the younger ones and the handicap ones don't understand. I try not to cry in front of them but sometimes i can't help it. Now to top that off I smoke cigars (Black and milds)i was down from five a day to 1 and a half but now i think i smoke about 7 a day. I was trying to quit. but with the stress i'm smoking more everyday. I know this may sound like nothing but one cigar is like five cigerettes and need to quit not only for my self but for my kids aswell but its hard.