deborah ogren

I know that I'm in the early stages of greving, it has been only 5 months since I loss my domestic parnter Deb. One of the things I find really hard is sleeping. It isn't that I'm not tired, been taking the sleeping pills, and the anxiety pills, they just don't seem to work. They did work in the beginging, but now it seems like a lost cause. I've been trying to keep myself busy, and even when you are exhausted I just pray sleep will come. Being that I need the rest because of the stroke that I had in Febuary, and then she passed in March. It just seems like it is a loss cause. I realize that the body has to sleep in order for me to get better. Maybe if there is away to turn your mind off, it is like my mind isn't thinking of anything that I know of. Does anyone have any ideas on this subject. I realize it is hard to keep things together when you are greving. I guess sooner or later it does get better within time. I did start a new book called "The Secret" maybe it will make me sleep. I just wanted to know if anyone else feel restlness like I do. I know that there are so many different stages when one is greving, and we all grieve in different ways. Well I will close for now, it is only 2:15 a.m. Deborah

Mary Lina, I wanted to thank-you for your reply to my post. I do agree with you that "Dusky" is awesome. When I meet him the first time, he made you feel important, and that you were special. The think that was the most important that he saw love as love. The other thing was greif is different for everyone, which I think is a key. The way that one grieves might be different than away that somebody else would greive. I know that it has only been 5 month since I lost my Deb, but I want to remeber the good meories, then maybe it will be a little easier. Only time will tell. I do plan on going on the website and continuing my journey. Take Care, Deborah

Marsha, Thank-you so very much for sharing withme. I'm very sorry for your lost also. John is very awsome it by faith that I meet with him and talked. John made you realize that there is hope. I found that when I read his book and spoke with him, that I knew there people out there that could understand what we are feeling. The hardest part is trying to be so strong for the person that you love, even tho you have so many feeling going on within your self. I really felt that I my-self was doing fine and handling everything, but in reality I wasn't. The stroke is going to heal in time, I have to just understand that. I now have to learn how to take care of my self. I would love to say life is wonderful, but it is to soon right now to say. But I can say today is a little bit better than yesterday. It is easy to give advice, but as humans sometimes we dont follow it our self. We just have to know that our love ones are in our meories, and that they are smiling and looking down at us. I have always given freinds advice over the years, and it is hard to listen, when you feeling the pain this early stage in the game. But we are strong-willed woman and we will continue on with life. Take care, Deborah

Thank-you for taking the time out to answer. I am also knew on this website, but I do realize that there a lot of people out there that have pain. I have always believe that our loved ones are in a better place now. I think it is the ones that are left behind that don't know what to do, or how to cope with things. I feel that when one is passing they always hear us, our voices and touch are the things that know that we are there. The one thing that I do realize that all the things that drive us crazy, are just stuff now. I see things in a different way since my lost of Deb, they stay alive with us, if we allow our self to remember who and what they shared with us. Greving does take a lot of work, but within time it got to get better. Right now I'm in the early stages, but as each day comes, it will get better. So we all have to have the faith we are all going to be alright. Deborah

Thank you so much for taking the time out for your reply to my post. John has really helped me to understand the greiving process, I know when in time things will get a little better but right now it is only been a few months. Yes I do feel like right now I'm just spending my wheels, not being able to sleep at night and crying at the drop of a hat. I was over at a couple of my dear freinds house and it started raining and all of a sudden the tears just flowing. It is funny that you don't know when it comes, and it passes so quickly. I'm so blessed with these friends, because I don't know what I would do with out them. They allow me to talk and cry if needed. They tell me to relax and deal one day at a time. Because right now we only have today, tommrow hasn't came yet. I have meories and this will keep me going. Thanks, Deborah

I'm new at this website, and greving comes in all form. The one thing that I have figured out that when I loss my Deb, I wasn't mad at her. After all she didn't asked for the cancer, but I was mad at the disease that took her from me. I believe that if you come to the point that this wasn't there choice, it was in Gods hands. I have to believe that her work was done on earth, but God had something better for her to do. It is the only way that I can deal with her death. It has only been 5 months right now, and it doesn't seem to get any better, but they say time will heal us all. There isn't a moment that goes by that I don't miss something about her, but she knew how much I cared for her, and that is the important thing. Just know that it is going to take you some time, and it will get easier. Deborah

I was told about this website from John R. Davis he that I should check it out. He also said that it helped him when he lost his partner after 27 years. I went on his website and found that there was somebody that understood what I was feeling, and I wasn’t alone at all. On John website: (Finding My Banana Bread Man) it is the most awesome website you could experience, there is video of him speaking about his partner and is so pure and honest you have to check it out if you already haven’t. John also wrote a book entitled Finding My Banana Bread Man; after I went on his website I order his book. When I received the book once I started reading it, I couldn’t put it down until I finished it. What amazed me was that it was a love story and how John poured his feeling out he made you realized that there is hope after you lose a partner, spouse or what ever the case. I think it helps anyone that is grieving. I just lost my domestic partner of 25 years, 5 months on the 19th. Her name was Deb she was my friend, my companion, my sounding block, and she kept me grounded. We weren’t alike; the saying opposite attack is really true. In June 2008 she was told that she had stomach & esophagus cancer, she was only given a 5% to make it. When the doctor called her she was home and she went white just like a ghost, she began to cry. I sat down at the kitchen table waiting for her to tell me the news. She hadn’t been feeling too good and they were treating her for acid reflux, so we weren’t prepared for this type of news that rocked our world apart. We knew that she had to have surgery but the chances were slim she would survived. All of a sudden there were things that had to be done and talked about. The doctor told us that before her surgery she had to fill out all the paper work like living will, medical power of attorney and etc. This was something that we had never thought it could happened to us it happens to other people. Deb decided that there were only a few people that she wanted to tell, the reason was that people all a sudden treat you different when you have cancer. I didn’t want to believe this but the reality people did start treating her different. It was a couple of weeks before they would do this surgery, she would be in ICU for 7-10 days, and this surgery would take around 4 hours to do. After ICU then she would be moved to a private room. The morning of her surgery she was so quite and scared that she assisted that she wanted to drive the car because she could focus on the traffic instead of what was yet to come. We talk in general until we got to the hospital. I waited in the waiting room until they prep her for surgery. Finally they allowed me to be with her we were both scared not knowing if my Deb would even make it threw surgery or not. So many things ran threw my head like what do I say to her, so she wouldn’t be scared, I knew that I had to be strong for her I couldn’t fall apart she needed my strength and love. So I sat and held her hand and fought the tears from coming, gave her a kiss, told her that I loved her and I would be there when she woke up. What else could you say words just didn’t seem enough, but it was all I could do? It was in Gods hands so all I could do was wait. The waiting game is the worst part; luckily I had several of my dearest friends, and my mother with me. It had been only 2 hours and the phone rang in the waiting room for me, it was the doctor that he would be out in 5 minutes to talk with me in a private quite room. I didn’t know what he was going to tell me, my mind went into overload, did she make it or not. It scared me because the surgery was already done. When he came to speak to me my heart was just racing, he said that she had made it threw the surgery and that he believe that he got all of the cancer that her margins was clear of the cancer. He also said that he had to cut her in two different areas because of the mass where it was located at. I could see her in about an hour, so I made additional calls to her brother and some friends of ours. One thing that Deb had asked me to do was to start a journal so when she woke up she would know what was taking place with her. When I finally went in to see her she was not a very happy camper, she had never been sick in the 25 years that I knew her. We made it threw the ICU with only a few problems she had a blood clot in her arm, and then she got some fluid in her lungs, other wise she was doing fine. She was at the hospital for around two weeks; she couldn’t wait to get home. She was told that she had to eat at least 6 small meals a day, to keep her strength up. After she had been home for just a short time she suggested to her doctor that being she couldn’t eat as much that she wanted a feeding tube in as back-up. So we went back and the doctor performed the surgery. After that it just didn’t help as we thought it would she was losing weight at the drop of a hat. She was having trouble breathing and she felt something on her right side was catching, so her family doctor suggested a PET scan for her. We had to just seat and wait for the results to come in. Deb was offered at this time for chemotherapy and radiation treatment, which she declined. When a few days we got the results back from her family doctor it wasn’t good. The doctor said that she had another mass and all he could do at this point was to make her comfortable because she had refused the chemotherapy and radiation treatments and he believe that it wouldn’t do any good at this point. Just when we thought things couldn’t get worse, I woke up on Feb 3rd 2009 and had a stroke, for the next 15 days I was hospitable at Mayo Hospital. So Deb had to take care of her self then Hospice was brought into the picture. After I got home she was so frail that it took a lot to take care of her, then I fell down and she didn’t have the strength to help me. When in a couple of days thing got worse and she told me she was in trouble, so I made the phone call to hospice, the nurse came out and they set a room up for her. Deb wanted to die at home, but due to my health I couldn’t help her anymore the pain she was having the medications wouldn’t stop her pain. They arrived at 9:30 p.m. to get her; I held her hand till they got here. I just couldn’t bear watching them transporting her. I guess that was the point I realize that she wouldn’t be home again. So the next day I went to see her, she was aware where she was. For the next 7 -10 days we talked a lot discussed her wishes and talked to each other in a different ways. I was hoping that we would be able to share different things, at this stage I didn’t want her not to know how important she was in my life. The one thing I knew my life would never be the same with out. The second that she was in Hospice she took a turn for the worst. She could no longer speak or talk to me, she couldn’t eat, and it was obvious that the cancer was killing her. I wanted her to not feel the pain anymore, but I didn’t want to let her go at the same time. I realized that I was being selfish that she deserved to go in peace. Somewhere I found the inner strength to tell her that it was alright to go. It was the hardest thing I honestly done. Even that she was dying right before my eyes, she was worry about me. Then on March 19, 2009 she took her final breath. She finally was pain free; she had come to terms that she wouldn’t be around much longer. But I am very thankful that we were able to tell each other how we felt about one another. I have to go on, because this is what she would have wanted. She will always be with me, my thought and prays. I’m so blessed that we were able to share the last 25 years together. One day I will see her again but until then, my memories is all I have so it will just to do. Deborah