Lainey

Hi Lily,

So sorry for your loss. It's good that you found this site as quickly as you did. The people on this site are all here for the same reason. We need to express our feelings and everyone understands.

I'm soon beginning my 9th month and have been doing very well up until about a week ago. I cannot get the last night that Lars was home out of my head. It was one of the worst nights we had, I knew that I would not be able to keep him here any longer. When our son and daughter took him to hospital the next day,I wouldn't go. I knew he wasn't coming home again. Now I am having terible guilt feelings.

I also wonder if there was something more I could have done to make him more comfortable in the last year of his life. He had 2 back surgeries and an 11 hour bladder surgery that was supposed to remove the cancer. It did for a few months, then it was back with a vengance. He had to go for back therapy 3x a week, so at least he was able to get out until the pain was so intense that he was on very heavy pain meds. and it played with his mind.

I know in my heart that I did everything I could, but the doubts keep coming back. Hopefully group therapy will help me.

Maybe you should consider talking to a consillor, one-on-one. There are also groups to join and I'm sure they would have some advice for you too.

Hugs,

Lainey

Hi Redwind,

I know what you mean about frozen dinners etc. I find that the Steamers are quite good as well as a few of the Lean Cuisine aren't bad. I'm trying to get into a habit of making up enough salad for a couple meals, then adding tuna or sliced ham or chicken breast for protein. Another thing I keep in the fridge is hard boiled eggs

cut up veggies and fruit made into a salad.

I also love chicken breasts, so will cook a couple extra and make a stir fry or fried rice with them.

My family comes for Sunday supper quite often, that gives me a couple of meals to freeze, or if I go to their house they usually send a care package home with me.

I think there are cook books that have recipes for one.. but like you said.. who wants to bother!

I hope some of my ideas help you.

Hugs,

Lainey

Sunstreet,

This is just a quick post to wish you well on your surgery tomorrow (July 8). I will be thinking of you and praying for your health.

Hugs to you,

Lainey

Dear Abby,

Oh Abby you are breaking my heart, you sound so sad and alone I wish I could reach out to you and hug you. It seems like your life is over to you. Trust me and the rest of the group that says it gets better because it really does.

I still get jealous of couples holding hands, eating a meal together, laughing at a joke.. all the things I used to do with Lars. It has been almost seven months for me and there are times I actually feel hatred towards another woman who looks happy. It is getting easier.

Will you ever smile or have a passion for life? You will smile again,you will laugh again, and you will have a passion for life. The passion may feel different but as your heart begins to heal, life begins to look better.

Take care of yourself, indulge in little pleasures that make you feel a bit better. Take one day at a time, if that's too hard, take one hour at a time.

All of us on this site have been exactly in the same place you are right now . We know how you feel and I for one will be thinking about you.

Hugs to you,

Lainey

Hi Linda,

I lost my husband about seven months ago and actually had a friend ask me the same thing at lunch yesterday. I was taken by surprise at the question, do other women see us as a threat to their marriage or what? If and when I decide to start dating I will certainly not be looking at married men. And do all men look at widows as fair game?

I am in my 50's, I don't know that I want to spend the rest of my time on Earth without another partner. My children are all grown and have families of their own, my friends are great.. but it is the companionship of someone you know and trust with your soul that I am missing. If, by some chance, a special person comes into my life, I will make that desicion then.

I am still wearing my wedding rings and will until in my heart I know it is time to take them off. At that point I am going to have both sets and his made into one ring that I will wear for my lifetime.

Hugs to you,

Lainey

Dear Abby,

I am so sorry that you are having to go through the pain of losing a loved one. It is the hardest thing that I have ever done, and I know that two weeks into your grief, you won't believe that it gets easier..but it does. Lars has been gone almost seven months and I am able to look back on our time together (43 years) knowing that we loved each other and were best friends. Our time was special, as every couples time is, that is what you have to try and focus on.. the happy times.

You didn't say how long you were together,how did you lose him, or if you have children? I understand if you're not ready to share, but as Joe said, we all know the pain and emptiness you are feeling.

Just do things that you want to do, try to get proper nutrition and sleep when you can. Let your emotions out whenever you have to.. if you cry in the grocery store.. who cares! Take one day at a time and if that's too hard, take one hour at a time. Don't set a time limit on your grief. Maybe you can find a bereavement group or counsillor, if that's not an option then maybe some books would help. There are hundreds to choose from in libraries and book stores.

I hope you begin to feel a bit better soon.

Hugs to you,

Lainey

Cheryl,

Don't feel pathetic. The time will come when you know you are ready to deal with getting rid of Mark's posessions. I think it is easier if you can donate the clothes, tools and man stuff. The things you aren't sure about, pack and store until a later date.

I did the same thing with our medicine cabinet,who would think that a toothbrush could make a person cry.. but cry I did!

Maybe we feel this way, this deep down gut-wrenching pain, as we get rid of items.. we realize that with every article, we are letting go of a piece of our loved one. Of course it is going to be painful, but it is just another part of grief and healing.

Hugs,

Lainey

Joe,

I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this grief. But you are lucky that you found this site, the people on this site all know the pain you are in, and all are willing to help you through it.

I was with my husband for 43 years, we were not only husband and wife,but best friends. Like you and your wife, we had many things in common that we shared as well as our own hobbies.I know how your wife felt when you gave her the first one of everything you made. Lars did the same with his carvings and it made me feel wonderful that I got the first one.

Lars has been gone for almost seven months but there are times when I come home and see a message on the phone. The first thing I think is "Maybe it's Lars". Our minds love to play games.

Be strong, be good to yourself and even though you don't believe this.. it does get better. The pain lessens and you will survive. Just take one day at a time, if that's too hard..one hour at a time. Know that we are here for you.

Hugs,

Lainey

I got rid of my husband's clothes right after he passed. Because of the urostomy bag, we had bought many new pairs of sweats etc. for him in larger sizes. The week that he died it was very cold, so as a family we decided that Lars would want us to give the clothes to a shelter right away. Seven boxes were donated, from sweats, sweatshirts, heavy sox, It was hard to do it so soon, but I know he would have approved.

This past week I have been in his carving room, trying to sort things out. The surprises I found.. some were cute, some made me cry. But I was ready to do it, knowing that I have to move on. I have saved many things from the room. My two daughters want to try their hand at carving, so they will inherit some tools. The rest I'm hoping that the carving club he belonged to will want.

Redwind, that is a good idea about giving the art supplies to an Abuse center. Lars had alot of art supplies also and I think I may find a place also. Thanks for the good idea.

As I was going through the stuff, I realized that it was another way that I am saying good-bye. Guess that's why we all find it so difficult. I just have to remember that the material things aren't as important as thememores we have.

Hugs to all,

Lainey

Hi Chris,

One of the special things in life are our grandchildren, they are the apple of our eyes. Next year two of the girls are going to be graduating Grade 8, Lars was planning on carving a special piece for each of them.

When we talked of his illness and the fact that he was not able to take treatment and get better, he said the worst part of knowing that he was dieing was the fact that he would not see his "babies" grow up. I will always keep his memories alive.

It was good for you to be able to enjoy your granddaughter's grad and I'm sure that Tim was with you every step of the way. Lucia's granddaughter had the right idea carrying an urn with her.

We all ask ourselves if there was more we could have done... if you spouse lost the battle because of cancer-what more could we have done? If it was a heart problem that took your spouse ..again what could we do? I have a wonderful family doctor, but I have questioned his reasons for sending us to the doctor that I believe was the one that sent Lars to his grave. Could I have fought more to see a different specialist? Would it have made a difference? I will never know the answers, as you will never know the answers to your questions. I have become very bitter towards the medical profession but it is not going to bring back my love, therefore; before it makes me crazy it is something that I have to let go. We all should, for our own well being.

Pamela, I hope that the 43 years I spent with Lars never becomes history.I hope as you say, the pain eases and we do go on with our lives. It is/was the best years of my life and I will forever be

thankful for my wonderful man.

Hugs to all,

Lainey

Dear Ron,

Maybe your mom's and grandmother's recipes are more of a legacy than you realize.Once you have got them copied , pasted and bound maybe you could sell them and donate the money to a worthy cause that your mother was interested in. The Cancer society sells cookbooks and donates the money for research or they help financially with a family that aren't able to find money for travel. Maybe it could help find a cure for the disease that took you mother.

Not only would a project of this size keep you busy, it would give you a sense of accomplishment. You did something to honor your parent!

Hugs to you, Lainey

Marion, Having just lost a spouse is been bad enough, but to have lost a son also must be heart breaking for you. I am so sorry for you.

Today is Father's Day and I hope you are coping with your grief. Do you have other family (children,brothers or sisters) that you could use as support today?

When I lost my spouse, people would ask if there was anything they could do for me. Most of the time I thanked them and said I was fine even though I wasn't. I finally realized that these people were trying to help me cope and it is wonderful to have these people for support.

If you have someone you can do this with, take their genorosity and lean on them as much as you have to. Things do get better, as you've experienced already.

Be kind to yourself and know that all of us are thinking of you today .

Hugs,

Lainey

Spending Father's Day with your loved one for many years and suddenly having it taken away is heart-breaking .

I am thinking more of how my children and grandchildren are feeling today. This has always been one of the special days that "Dad" was pampered. Breakfast in bed by me after the kids grew up and then a special supper at our house.

Instead of making breakfast I went walking, then grabbed a coffee and muffin at Tim's. My daughter is hosting the supper tonight, her husband is grilling steaks (Lars'favorite) and the grand daughters are releasing balloons. I am not going to enjoy that part, but they have to be able to express themselves also.

As Korina said, spend time alone with your thoughts and spend time with your family. Remember that special man in whatever way feels comfortable to you.

We all will get through this day,just like we somehow get through all the other days

Hugs to all,

Lainey

All so beautiful to read; and Korina,you are so right, the hands were probably the last physical contact we all had.

Lars had a cleft in his forehead that I said he got from worrying. I used to smooth it out and called it his "brow-frow' .Don't know where that came from, but that is one of the things of Lars that I miss most.

Hugs to all,

Lainey

Hi Cheryl,

I am so sorry for your loss. Being a motorcycle accident I assume it was sudden.I don't know how anyone can get over a sudden death. You don't even have a chance to tell your loved one good-bye or how much you loved them. At least Lars and I had a few months where we were able to tell each other our deepest secrets and feelings. We were able to talk about his imminent passing and he was able to tell me things that he wanted me to pass on to our children and grandchildren when I am strong enough to. Not there yet!

I miss being a wife also, I loved cooking special meals for him, when we were first married I surprised him with liver and onions one night. He ate it , all the while telling me how great it was, friends came over later and I heard him telling his buddy that he had "shoe leather" for supper. Like Korina, I miss picking up his favorite after shave (brut) and lots of other little things.

Cheryl..scream, cry, work yourself until you feel you will drop. Do whatever helps you and once you feel better, think of one thing that Mark did that brought a smile to your pretty face, or a giggle to your heart. I bet Mark is watching you and saying "You go girl".

I hope you found the strength to make those cheese burgers and to spend time with kind neighbors today.

Hugs to all,

Lainey

Thanks to all who responded to my post.

Karen, the grandchildren talked about sending up balloons like you did, everyone has agreed that even though it will be hard, they want Grampa to know that they are thinking of him. Thanks again for the wonderful idea.

Korina, I know that I am able to keep going,and that Lars is watching my progress and is proud of me. All our loved ones are watching us, proud of everyone for all of our accomplishments.

Marty, thanks so much for sending the links to those articles. They were good to read.

Hopefully we will all be able to enjoy the weekend to a degree,just think, for many us it will be another "first" that will behind us.

Hugs to all,

Lainey

Karen,

I too believe that our loved ones are communicating with us through dreams. If they look happy, as some of you have said, I think it meams that they are feeling good.. no more pain. One of the things Lars longed for was to not have pain or have to take medications for it. When he smiles and looks happy I know he is finally free of the pain and suffering.

Embrace those dreams, they are telling you all is good in their Universe and it will get better in ours also. In one way they are luckier than we are. We still have our physical aches, plus we are dealing with the emotional hurt from them leaving us.

Maybe some people reading this will think I'm crazy, but I believe in afterlife. If I didn't I don't think I would be able to continue. Anyway.. food for thought.

Hugs to all,

Lainey

I have had quite a few dreams of Lars in the past month. It was wonderful to see him with a huge smile on his face and able to jump off the back of a truck. I dreamt that he and my son-in-law were cleaning the shed, ready to take a load of garbage to the dump.He had leg pain since 2002, so there is no way he was able to hop off the back of a truck. To me, it showed that he wasn't in pain and the last two years of his life he lived on heavy duty pain killers.

I feel blessed to be able to have him come to me in dreams, at first I cried for hours, now I just feel a deep peace settle over me as if he is beside me.

Isn't it wonderful to see your loved one with no pain? To me it makes the sorrow a little easier to handle.

Hugs to all

Lainey

This weekend is another tough one coming up. How to handle Father's Day!

Karen, I like the idea of the grandchildren sending up balloons with notes on them. I sent some up for our angelversary in June and it sent me into a complete tail spin for a few days. The pain was as bad as if I was letting go the first time. I don't know if I want my babies to experience that. Mine are 13 and 10 years old, how old are your g/babies and how did they react? Our son was a Father's day baby. so it might be a bit hard for him, we quite often celebrated the two together since the whole family would be together.

Wouldn't be nice if we had a hand book that told us what to do on these "firsts".

Someone told me that if I am finding the first year hard, the second year is worse. I am at the six month mark and feel I am doing quite well handling things. I would prefer to not digress. Any thoughts on this or am I worrying needlessly.

Hugs to all,

Lainey

Mary,

It is good to hear that you did the drive and had such a good time. It shows that we can do whatever it takes.

Yesterday I bought my first lawnmower.. had to have a bit of help with the bag from my son-in-law. I thought I would be able to cut the grass but my granddaughter wanted to so my turn will be next.

Hugs, Lainey

Rob, it's not fair that Donna was only forty, but then it's not fair at any age. I am sorry for your recent loss, tomorrow will be the six month mark for me.

After the first shock wore off, I truly did not know how I was ever going to make it past the one month mark. I did, we all do.. and it does get easier as time goes on. Now I am finally able to enjoy looking at pictures that I took last summer with Lars in them. I am able to remember little things that we did together that were what made us unique as a couple. Regardless of the time you had together, these memories will become all important as time goes by.

Alcohol is not going to help, it takes the pain away momentarily, then it is back with a vengence, as you most likely have found out. Don't beat yourself up for using it as a crutch, you will know when you are ready to face things without it.

You must believe that the pain lessens in time and you will be able to find peace and comfort in little things day to day. All of us that are on this sight have had or are going through the same thing.

I hope that you are able to work things out with your in-laws, but remember that Donna was your wife and you, and only you, know exactly what she wanted.

Be strong, I am sending hugs,

Lainey

Dear Mary,

Good for you going solo... this is just one of many "solos" that we all are going to be taking. My husband was not able to drive for a year before his passing, so I got alot of practise with him beside me. But I have to admit that my first out of town trip was filled with trepidation. Like your Michael, Lars did the trip driving. As you and Mrs.B say.. if you want to go somewhere get out and drive or stay at home. I'm sure you will do fine, the other drivers have nothing to worry about. After all, you had to pass the test to get your licence right?

Hugs to you,

Lainey

Dear Kat,

It is almost six months for me and I decided it was time to seek help from a professional. Being a private person I chose individual sessions versus the group sessions because I am not ready to share some things. The lady I went to see was wonderful, we talked about whatever I needed or wanted to. As much as I love my family, there are things that go unsaid and they become the basis of hurt or worse. With Pat I was able to vent about those things and not feel guilty.

I do agree with Korina, one on one time goes very quickly and it feels like you just got started when your time is up.Now I make notes for the important stuff so I don't forget to talk about those things.

I am planning on going to the group sessions in the fall, they run for only five weeks but in that time I hope to learn a few things. They also sponsor a coffee meet once a week, which I am looking forward to. Knowing that I will meet other people in our unique situation is good. At least these people will know not to ask inappropriate questions, I find some friends don't think before they ask you something. Usually if they would stop and think, they would know that the question shouldn't be asked.

Hugs,

Lainey

Dear Tina,

I am sorry for your loss. My husband has been gone almost six months and there are days that it feels like it just happened yesterday. We were together for 43 years, he was(is) the love of my life. The grandbabies(13 and 10) loved spending time with grampa also.

Because of a doctor not doing his job, we lost him to bladder cancer. I was very angry for awhile, thought about how I could ruin his practise. After talking to my Doctor I realized that the anger was hurting me..not the incompetent doctor.

I am finding that even though I miss my love, I am getting better, the anger is gone for the most part. Now I am having trouble concentrating,and I don't have interest in much. I have a large perennial garden that I was in the process of changing, now I don't even want to go outside very much. He loved working in the yard and sitting on the patio carving while I putzed in my garden. Now I go out and am so lonely.

Somehow we do get better, the pain lessens, the heart begins to heal and the tears come less. We will never forget our loves,they will always be a part of us. I have found that journalling has helped me, many times I just write a letter to him about my day or some thing that the Grandbabies said..whatever, it makes me feel connected to him and not so sad. I also have his ashes in my bedroom and am able to say Good-night to him. Everyone finds ways to make the coping easier, I hope you find something to ease your pain a little.

This forum also is a wondrful thing...I don't post much but I do read other peoples posts. It makes me realize that most of what I am experiencing is normal.

Hugs, Lainey

Dear Kat.

I know exactly how you are feeling. For years the men have made the decisions on what to do and who to call. Now all of a sudden we are put into a position that forces us to make them. I have the feeling that the repairman sees me as a woman with no husband so they can take advantage of me. I have a son and two son-in-laws, so they have been very helpful. I do the footwork, then they advise, I make the final decision.

I am finding that the more I do this, the stronger I am becoming.. I believe that I "can" do these things on my own and it gives me much needed self confidence.

Just keep believing in yourself.You can do!!

Hugs

Lainey