nwnightowl

Hello, I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for your loss. I am somewhat new to this board myself having only been a member a few days. I am afraid that I am not far enough along in my journey to offer much help, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone, and I am sending you big hugs. Thinking of you at this incredibly painful time, Elizabeth

Hi Other Elizabeth, I just wrote you a long message and my computer wigged out and erased it so I will repost later today. I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you today and hoping your week is starting off better. Elizabeth

Hi Bees, Thank you for the reply. I feel fortunate to have connected with a few folks on some of the discussion boards because I have never felt so completely and totally alone. Yesterday as you know was 1 week since Harley died and not one of my friends said anything. I used to live on the east coast and plan to move back next year, I am like a fish out of water over here, I am so completely isolated. I don't know where to find hope. I just hate waking up in the morning because it means the crying will start again and my neck muscles are actually sore from crying so much. It gets harder every day. When I look at pictures of Harley I have a total meltdown. I can't imagine not holding him again, or having him boss me around. I hate being in the car because his seat is empty. I am still in total shock that he is gone. If someone had told me at the beginning of April this is where I would be in a month I wouldn't have believed them. I feel like I am caught in some surreal hell where nothing makes sense. It has been a brutal 17 months for me with bad news after bad news and I just don't know how much I can take. He left so suddenly, don't get me wrong in a million years I wouldn't want him to have suffered it just such a total shock. On top of that we are having bad spring storms so it just keeps raining. I thought I would find more comfort in my other puppies but I don't. It's not their fault they are trying. One comes and guards me when I cry, another sits on my chest. I miss Harley so much it is hard to breathe at times. My business is failing, I need to sell my house and I don't feel like I can do anything. I was looking at pictures this morning and right before he got sick things just looked so normal, he looked like regular Harley. I was trying to think back to when my first fur baby died almost 9 years ago and figure out what was different and all I have been able to come up with is I had friends back then. I've had some really horrible luck recently and I don't know how to turn things around. Nothing seems to work. One of my other doggies does agility, he just loves his jumps, well he has done 2 trials and he was at the vet and he may have a back issue which would mean no more agility, that was my funnest thing in life. Plue he has to go to the place with the specialists which is where Harley went and I don't even want to go in the building. Sleep is the only peace I get so I have been sleeping later and later in the day. Or I will get up and let the dogs out and then go back to bed. I found an interesting section on another site called "Refelctions of Time". It's on http://in-memory-of-pets.com in that section people tell how things are going down the road. I've found it helpful because I find it hard to believe people actually survive. After my first dog Windsor died I thought I would never be able to love so deeply again but I found Harley and my other dogs, so I try keep going because there might be another Harley or Windsor out there that I fall for some day. I do a little bit of jack russell rescue and out of the 100's I see online very few speak to my heart. Harley was supposed to be a 4-6 week foster when his previous owner had to move and didn't want to put him in the kennel. Well it's a long story but I ended up adopting him, but she would come visit occassionally and we kept in touch. I had to tell her that he died. And her life is just falling apart right now as well and all her friends wrote such nice things about him on her facebook page and I just feel such guilt at not being able to keep him going for her. I feel like I ruined the poor girl's life, even though I did all I knew to do, it just wasn't enough, I keep thinking if I had had a different vet or done something sooner or better it would have been different. Well I guess since it is almost 3:00 here getting dressed might be a good start. I hope your week is off to a good start. I guess at some point I need to make some decisions about what to do regarding the cremation issue, today just doesn't seem like the day though. I clipped a little piece of his fur off while he was still here so at least that is something tangible. I just wish I could stop crying, I don't think I have every cried so much in my life. Thank you for the support, Elizabeth

Hi Bee, I am so sorry for your loss. I know what you mean I hate Sunday now, I feel like every Sunday for the rest of my life is going to be torture. I hate even waking up in the morning, because as soon as I am wide awake I start crying again. I am so sorry that your Nemo was taken away so suddenly. That's how I feel about Harley, I knew he had health issues but none of his vets ever told me it could change so quickly. I felt so unprepared, so robbed. It has been a week and I am still in total shock. Instead of getting easier each day gets harder. I don't know how anyone survives this kind of pain. I had wanted to take him to the beach but didn't get the chance. I have tried to do something physical each day just to move, my therapist told me walking would help, well it did for a day or two but I have learned how to multi-task, I can cry and cook, cry and mow the lawn, cry and do chores, cry and walk the dogs, cry and take a shower, for the life of my I can't stop crying. I feel like someone split my chest open and yanked out my heart and broke it in half like a twig. I live alone with my other doggies. It is good you have some family. I only have one human family member left and they live 3000 miles away. I feel so utterly and totally alone. The urns I ordered for Harley arrived yesterday and I don't have the nerve to even open the box. I've never ordered urns before I have no idea what to expect. He hasn't been cremated yet, I am having a really hard time with that. I've never done that either. I plan to move next year so I don't want to bury him and leave him but I don't find comfort in the whole cremation thing either. I wish I had one ounce of hope that it will someday get better. I lost my first dog almost 9 years ago and somehow I did get through it but I have no idea how. I find it hard to believe that a person can endure this kind of pain and survive. I'm so tired of going out to a store and having cashiers go "how is your day today?" I never know what to say so I try to mumble something to appease them. I have a friend who every day asks if I am better, it's driving me nuts, no I'm not better, after 4 days she expected me to have bounced back. I feel like the lowest life form on the planet, I have so much guilt about everything. I had read this stupid article once that pets like it quiet when they are dying, so at the very end I just held him I stopped talking, I should have told him I loved him a few more times, what if the article was wrong, what if he wondered what happened, I wonder about every decision I made, I am driving myself insane and I can't stop. I literally don't have the words for how much I miss him. I would sell my soul to have him back, the thought of having to stay on earth for so many years until I see him again is torture. How are we going to get through this? In 3 minutes it will have been a week since he died. He always rode in the front passenger seat of my car, I keep looking over there expecting to see him. I look at pictures and it just sends me into total meltdown mode. He was just one of those rare ones that you bond with on such a deep deep level. I had so wanted him to make it to his next birthday in June so I could have another party for him. Last year I had one at a local park for him. 1 more minute. He's been gone a week now. All I see in my future are endless days of crying. Then I feel badly because I know this isn't what he would want, he wouldn't want me in so much pain, yet I don't know how to be otherwise. It's so very very hard. I am sending you love and lots of hugs, maybe Harley and Nemo will cross paths up in Heaven, hang in there, I have been reading a lot of grief boards this week and people say it does get better, I just wish I knew when. Elizabeth

Hi everyone, I am new to this thread. I am visiting from the pet loss section but can relate to what many of you have said. I have a friend who askes me everyday if I am better yet, after 4 days she expected me to have bounced back. It drives me crazy. No I'm not better, I'm so far from better I can't even tell which direction better is in. I just walk around the house like a zombie and cry. I can't remember who said it above but I feel totally alone too. I live with my dogs, whom I love more than life itself but there is a bit of a language barrier. I want more than anything to rewind time and go back to when my baby Harley was still here. I have no idea how to do this for the rest of my life. I did yard work today to see if doing something physical would help. It didn't, I found out you can cry and mow the grass at the same time. I just feel like there will never be a good day again. I really never knew the human spirit could endure this much pain and survive. I'm sorry to carry on, just feeling very lonely. I wish you all a happy beginning of May and I hope you each have a moment of peace some where in your day. All the best, Elizabeth

Thank you everyone for the very kind words. Today has been a harder day for some reason. I keep thinking a week ago my Harley was still here and I could hold him in my arms. Elizabeth your email was beautiful. I was in a car accident last November and have residual pain from it so this stress has aggrevated everything. I know I am lucky to be able to sleep, but as soon as I wake up I just start crying. So I go to bed earlier and stay there as long as possible. I work from home which is good and bad. It allows me the luxury of grieving in private but it keeps me totally isolated. I had to go to the pharmacy yesterday and cancel one of Harley's prescriptions and I had to tell them he was no longer with us and I almost fell apart at the pharmacy counter. Then I had ordered another medicine online and I logged on to cancel the order and just the act of logging on to my account triggered them to ship it and they were so heartless I asked them to cancel it I said the dog passed away and they didn't care they said well we can't take it back, it's not a money issue, it's just that now Harley's medicine is going to be showing up on the doorstep. I don't know what to do with his other meds, there are reminders everywhere. I am trying to take it a moment at a time, but it hasn't even been a week and I feel that I am going insane. I have no idea how to do years of this. One really sad part is that in the Pacific NW summer is the great weather time, so I had been working really hard to get everything done around the house and things caught up with my business so that when the nice weather came I could be outside with the doggies and go to parks and on hikes, and I had been working a lot of hours, so instead of spending all that time with Harley I was doing stupid stuff like yard work, ect. If I'd only know I could have let the yard just go and spent that time holding my baby. A very strange thing happened last night. Yesterday I was putting the new dog licenses on those stupid little metal split ring holders they give you, the ones that always break the nails I don't have. Well all day I was asking Harley to give me a sign of some sort. So I went to bed last night and Dover, Harley's best friend, sleeps with me now was up there. So in the middle of the night I got up to get some water, well when I came back to bed I noticed some spots on the bed, and I wondered what there were, I thought the puppies didn't have dirty paws so then I thought someone might have gotten sick and when I looked furhter it was all of Dover's tags off his collar under where I had been sleeping. I sat there looking at them going how can this be, how did they get there, I looked at each tag and it wasn't broken at the top so they didn't fall off, and Dover still had the metal holder on his collar, but they were all laid out where I was sleeping. Yesterday was also the first day since Harley died that Dover wagged his tail at all. I don't know if that was my sign, but I am desperate for anything so I will take it. I think the worse part is the emotional roller coaster. One minute I feel that perhaps I can somehow survive and the next I am sobbing horribly. I never know when it's going to hit me again. I've been reading posts on 3 different sites and the depressing part is how long this goes on. People talk in terms of years. I even read some of the spouse loss ones to see if I could gain some insight. It's just so unfair that animals live so much shorter than us unless you own an elephant or a parrot. I have no idea how to find happiness again. I know this isn't what Harley would want for me, I just miss him so much. I still cry at times about my first dog that I lost almost 9 years ago so I know I have quite the road to go. I am trying to take strength from Dover actually and he is the baby of the family, but I figure if he can survive losing his bed friend I can go on. Some times it works, some times it doesn't. I just wish the pain would become tolerable at least. I wish everyone a moment if peace in their journey. Elizabeth

Hi everyone, Thank you for the very kind comments. Other Elizabeth I have a Casper too, he's the other one who slept with me every night with Harley. The hardest part is knowing that I will never hold him again, I so want to hold my baby in my arms. I live alone with my group of dogs and even my animal friends haven't offered much support. One told me yesterday that after 4 days I should have bounced back. Sometimes I have to get out of the house because it is just too much. I wish I had a spouse or significant other to just hold me in their arms while I fall apart. I tried going to a movie last night for distraction but that didn't work I ended up crying through a comedy. I feel so totally alone. To complicate things further I adopted Harley when his previous owner couldn't care for him anymore. We have kept in touch and her whole life is falling apart right now, I think her Dad is dying and I had to tell her that her dog died. And she and her mom and dad and friends were all sad and I feel like I have ruined all their lives. He was my special needs boy he had several challenges and I so wanted to fix him and make him better. Harley's best friend in the house was Dover, one of my other dogs. Dover is about 5 1/2 and basically for 5 1/2 years his tail never stopped wagging until Harley died, now he just has this sad stare on his face and he just sleeps on Harley's bed, it's heart breaking to watch. The past 2 nights I have seen Harley in my dreams, and I wake up and there is a moment of peace and then as soon as I get up the waterworks start again. For some reason I do all right at night, but I cry through most of the day. I can barely function at this point. So far I have managed to keep the others fed and the house from burining down so I consider that somewhat of a success. To make matters even worse I have to go to my vet and buy food for some of the others today, I am currently looking for a new vet, mine was just horrible in the end. He has no compassion and in reality was just a mediocre vet, Harley was seeing specialists in the end, but my regular vet was just a jerk, not even did he say he was sorry, he wouldn't talk to me on the phone about him, just sent messages through the receptionist, I really feel that if you are going to have medicine as a career you should have at least an ounce of compassion. My old vet from when I lived on the east coast has been very supportive, talked with me, sent a very sweet email, but the guy out here is just a jerk. I don't know how to move forward, I just feel like I am going to be sitting here and crying for the rest of my days. It hurts so much I feel like my heart is literally broken in two. Thank you everyone for the support, I will look into the chat forums too. I am sorry for all of your losses and I hope we all have sunnier days ahead. Elizabeth

Hi, I am new to the group too. I wish none of us had to be here. I am so sorry for your loss. Like you I have had a very rough 15 months and I just lost my little jack russell last Sunday. I too go on because I am supposed to, and I have other dogs at home who need their Mom, but they are my fur kids and I miss him so much. It's only been 4 days and I feel like I am going insance. I send you comforting thoughts and a big hug. I live only with my pups so sometimes it is hard to find someone to talk to. Take care of yourself, Elizabeth

Last Sunday I lost my special jack russell, Harley to liver failure. He went from being active, eating and gaining weight to gone in 15 days. The vets never said anything the whole time I had him to prepare me and let me know how quickly he could go. I live alone with a group of other dogs and the pain is so overwhelming I can't function. I just walk around the house like a zombie, sobbing, one of the other dogs was his best friend and he is so sad at the loss of his friend. I lost my other fur baby almost 9 years ago and at this point I have no idea how I got through it. It just feels like there will never be another happy day, he was the one who bossed me around so the house is so quiet even with the others. He had several illnesses and had to get medicine several times a day plus I cooked home cooked meals for him, he was a huge part of the day and now it all seems so empty and I feel so alone. I fall apart on everyone, I cry in Target, the drug store, McDonald's it doesn't seem to matter where. I just wish I had some hope that someday it will be better. It's been a particularly hard past 15 months and I have no idea how to go on. I miss him so much, I just want to hold him again. Thanks for listening, Elizabeth