nwnightowl

Oh I was crying from the start, I so want to believe it too that we will all be together again someday. Thanks for sharing it and I am so very sorry for your loss. Elizabeth

THE COLD Like a cold dense fog the grief envelops me until there is nothing left to see. The pain that splits my heart will never leave now that we together cannot be. Where have you gone, where are you now? I want to be there too. The tears I cry are won't go away, the sadness simply seems to stay. Nothing matters anymore, I ache throughout my very core. My dreams were shattered don't you see I'm left with nothing else but me. I want you back, to have and hold. I know that wish is far too bold. You're in a better place I truly hope, I only wish that I could cope. I long to see the day that comes, when together we will be as one. When side by side we will retreat, to heaven where it's all complete.

Hi Elizabeth, How are you doing? It has been a horrible week for me and now I have a terrible cold which just makes the world seem even worse. I think you asked if I had or am working with a therapist. I am, for most of the past 10 years I have been. A little over 10 years ago I lost over half my family in 11 months and then a year after that I lost my soul mate dog of 17 1/2 years, and I couldn't bounce back, it was just too overwhelming. I realized quite a while ago that losing Harley was going to be devastating, but it is even worse than I imagined. I feel like the pain is just crushing my chest. I had a total meltdown this week and luckily a friend was there for me. Dodger had his surgery and it didn't go as well as we had hoped. He has to wear a splint for 4-8 weeks and the surgery wiped me out financially, I was at the pawn shop yesterday pleading my case. He is being a very good patient though. I have worked with 3 animal communicators in my time and I have some friends who have worked with others. The one who worked with my soul mate dog I really liked but I can't find her anymore. I also liked the one who talked to Harley, I am going to have her talk to him again. I've had really good experiences, they have told me things they wouldn't have had any way of knowing. I'd be happy to give you the name of my current one if you decide to go that route. I am going to have her talk to Dover too to see what I can do to help him. I have been trying to read some, when I'm not crying. Crying is harder now that my nose is so stopped up with my cold. So far I am only 40 pages in but my favorite book so far is Love Never Dies by Sandy Goodman. She writes about the death of her son, but so far you could apply it to any loss and some of her wording is just the same as things I was saying so I feel like we click. Another one I like but have only looked at briefly was the one recommended on another board on this site: How to Survive Your Grief by Susan Fuller, mostly it helps you realize that you aren't crazy and that what you feel is normal, I have felt like I am going insane many times in the past month. I can't believe tomorrow it will be 4 weeks since Harley has been gone. The pain gets worse each day instead of better, I have lost all hope that there is even a light at the end of the tunnel. I am self employed and haven't been able to work for the past month so I my finances are in dire straights at the moment. I was doing some dog walking for someone (you would think someone with a dog would be compassionate) but she doesn't understand about Harley, she got after me for having to reschedule while Harley was dying, she made a math error and instead of trying to figure it out she accused me of cheating her, since it was a big $120 a month (when her checks didn't bounce- she's written me 2 bad ones so far) I bowed out gracefully and suggested she find someone else. She's one of those you live you die no big deal, she has no idea what I am going through. I told my friend I am in such a dark, dark place that I can't even breathe at times. I tried to throw out some of Harley's meds and I couldn't do it I just stood there holding the bottles, sobbing. And I just want to find whoever is in control and tell them they made a mistake they were supposed to take Lexi the foster dog and leave Harley, Lexi is a private foster so she doesn't have anywhere else to go right now. She's been to the shelter twice, she not a good shelter dog becuase she freaks out when confined, she was supposed to be with me for a few weeks and 10 months later she is still here. The dog walking lady stuck her with me, I didn't want her, oh it doesn't matter now. I am so mad at the whole Universe right now. I was walking the pups the other night and there was a gorgeous rainbow over the park, it was almost like I could walk under it. I walk a loop trail and I could see it all around the park. I like to imagine Harley running up one side and sliding down the other. Today is very hard because it is a gorgeous day here, bright blue sky and Harley liked going out in the back yard probably the most of any of them and I just want him to be able to run around out there. Right now if the world ended I wouldn't be too upset about it. It's funny I am surrounded by my other dogs and yet I feel so alone. I did take Milo to his agility class today, I didn't feel like it but I was thinking well he's not going to learn on his own. Sunny my other agility dog has his neuro consult next week to see if he gets to keep competeing I might have to retire him which would be another crushing blow because it is one of the few things in life I really enjoy right now. I also have a retired horse that I was hoping to reunite with when I move next year, but due to financial woes it looks like I will have to give him away. It's just everywhere I look, loss, loss, loss. How is life in the cubicle going? How are the foster puppies? How long do you keep them? If you have found anything that works with all of this please share. I have had 2 people recommend Ignatia to me, it's a homeopathic rememedy for grief, I have no idea if or how it works, but I just thought I would pass it along. God I just dread tomorrow with every cell in my being, how can it be 4 months since I have seen my baby Harley alive, I figured it out if I live another 40 years that's 480 more months of pure hell. I just feel like I am going to be crying for all 480 more months. I will attach my rainbow picture. I hope you have some fun things planned this weekend. Let me know how it's going. Take care of yourself, EAF PS have you seen any more movies lately?

Hi Kayc, I am so sorry for your double whammie. I can't even imagine how hard that must have been to have 2 huge losses like that in the smae week. I've been struggling a lot this week, a lot of things have gone wrong and that just adds to the grief, plus I have a terrible cold so that makes matters even worse. I am glad you connected with another 4 legged friend. I have some other dogs and I thought that would make it easier but it doesn't. The pain is just crushing, I feel like the universe is trying to snuff me out and I am getting so tired of resisting. I hope you get to do something fun this weekend. Hang in there, EAF

Thanks for sharing, that is really beautiful. Elizabeth

Hi Elizabeth, I wanted to check in and see how you were doing. I have a lot to write but it has been chaoes over here. It looks like Dodger has to have surgery tomorrow, they think it is a broken wrist, the CT scan tomorrow will tell for sure, then 8-10 weeks of no exercise. I hope you are having some good days. I still just cry and cry and now I have a sore throat and think I am getting a cold, as if everything else weren't enough. I should have some time to write tomorrow, I ordered some more books, although I haven't finished the others yet. Sorry I have been out of touch for a few days, I have been at the doggie hospital a lot for Dodger, but I have been thinking about you. All the best, EAF

Hi Elizabeth, I liked Letter from Juliet because I like happy endings. I know what you mean about the bad dream, I just keep thinking I will wake up and it will all be a bad dream. Dodger, who was with the cone, is not feeling so hot today. I had to take his bandage off and it was stuck to his wound so he was not happy with me. I was reading some post somewhere and the person said the tears had become her friend, becuase after she cried an ocean she got to where she is now, I'm not sure I'll ever be that well adjusted. If only there was a way to skip Sunday each week, that would help a little. I can't even look at pictures yet without having a total meltdown. My foster dog has been in major brat mode for days. She really needs to find a new home, she isn't a good fit for us and she deserves to be the center of someone's universe, but she is 8 years old and deaf and no one wants her, so she just keeps causing problems here. Did your office get all moved? I've been trying to work on my yard this weekend, I figure while I'm depressed I might as well do all the things I hate since I'm miserable anyway, the IRS will be happy because taxes have now moved to the top of the list, lol. I wrote my therapist today and told her I really didn't know anything could hurt this much. Each day seems to get harder. I have a pet communicator who is going to talk to Harley again and talk to Dover to see how I can help him, maybe that will help. Right now I am clinging to Dover for dear life. He is still sad and sleeps on Harley's bed, but I feel like he's the only one who really understands. I would really like to go get a massage but it seems like too decadent of a treat right now. Well I need to go bag some leaves before the sun sets. Thanks for the support, I really appreciate it. I hope you have had a ray of sunshine in your life today. Tomorrow is a new week, I can't believe 7 more days and it will have been a month. I don't have any idea what I have done all during May, it's all just a blur. Hang in there, EAF

Hi Bees, Somehow we have made it to another Sunday, such a sad sad day of the week. I just wanted to check in with you and see how you were doing. Yesterday was a hard day for me. One of my dogs got in a fight and I had to take him to the ER at 11:00 last night and it was the same place that had treated Harley and I hadn't been there since Harley died, so while they were working on Dodger I was in the room crying about Harley. I think I got to sleep at 3:00 last night and I am totally exhausted now. I hope you are doing well this weekend. I can't believe in a few more weeks it will be June, Harley's birthday is in June and I so wanted to give him a party. I'm getting really really depressed it is so hard. Take care of yourself, tomorrow is a new week, EAF

Tomorrow it will be 3 weeks since my darling Harley passed away. I held him in my arms as he died and I still can't get my mind around the fact that he is really gone. I walk around the house in a trance just crying "I want my Harley back". I know he's gone, but I can't even begin to comprehend it yet. I've cried so much I am actually starting to feel physically sick. When I think of all the years aheead without him I just want the world to end, it's too much to understand. My life has been a string of losses and I just don't understand why we always need to lose the ones we love the most. I miss you Harley!!! I will love you forever and treasure the time we had together. XOXO Elizabeth

Someone submitted this poem on another site so I thought I would share it: Heaven God saw you getting tired, When a cure was not to be. So he wrapped his arms around you, and whispered, "Come to me." You didn't deserve what you went through, So He gave you rest. God's garden must be beautiful, He only takes the best And when I saw you sleeping, So peaceful and free from pain I could not wish you back To suffer that again. Author Unknown

Hi Missin Sis, I just wanted to add my thoughts and say I am so sorry for your loss. I echo what everyone else has said, from what little I know each grief is different and it takes as long as it takes. When I first saw my therapist I told her I wanted the fast track to get through it all because it hurt so much, I wanted the plan that let me go from A to Z and skip all the letters in between, she said it doesn't work like that I had to work through it all. I hated and still hate the grieving process. I still fight it, which is pointless, you just have to be good to yourself and realize it takes as long as it takes. I know that's probably not what you wanted to hear. I am sorry your family doesn't understand, I imagine that must be very hard. I totally agree with the post before mine about doing well to just be breathing every day, it's a struggle. I cry everyday no matter what I am doing, my neighbors probably think I am nuts, I am crying while I am out there mowing the grass. I hope you can find a moment of peace this weekend. I wish there was something more I could do to help. Take care of yourself and know that others do understand. All the best, Elizabeth

Hi Meb, I am sorry for your loss. I have never been married so I can't imagine all that you are going through, but I wanted to let you know I understood about the being alone part, I feel very alone in my grief as well, as if it is me against the world. I hope you will be able to connect with your kids in the future, I know everyone grieves differently. When my grandfather died, my Mother was very mean, didn't want to speak to me was just very hurtful, I never did understand that but I guess she was going through something I couldn't understand at the time. I hope you find some peace this weekend, take care of yourself, Elizabeth

Three weeks ago tonight I could still hold my baby in my arms, feel his soft fur, feel him breathing and tell him how much I loved him. I hate the way the world works, that your loved ones leave before you do, the sadness is too much to bear at times. I just want my Harley back, EAF

Elizabeth PS yes my middle name is Ann, along with almost every other Elizabeth I have ever met, I used to give my mother a really hard time, I was like could you have been less original. I actually want to change my name, but I am afraid it would hurt my Dad's feelings so I haven't. EAF

Hi Elizabeth, That's funny Back Up Plan was the first movie I saw after Harley died, I cried through half of it. I went to see Letters from Juliet today, and left the theater in tears. Then I come home and got my property valuation from the county for tax purposes and the value of my house has gone down another $40,000 ugh, I just want some good news so badly. I want my Harley back, I stupidly washed some things after he died so I don't have a lot that smells like him which makes me really sad. I was holding him after he died trying to memorize his smell but it didn't work. I just want to hold him again, he was the sweetest boy I think I've ever known. It's rare that you can just mix up a group of adult jack russells and when I got Harley I threw him in with 2 other males and they all got along from the start, that doesn't happen very often. Well I need to go walk my doggies, which is usually just a cry fest for me. I really thought at some point you would cry yourself out, but apparently not. I will try to write more later, hang in there. EAF

Hi Elizabeth, I started reading the Angel Animals book last night and was just balling. I only got through one chapter. I also have a foster dog, she is being a brat right now. She was only supposed to be here a few weeks and 10 months later she is still here. She's a little deaf jack russell, who definately marches to her own drummer and mostly drives me crazy. I am so sore from my physical labor thing I can barely move today. I hurt my neck in the car accident and I found out that this super stress makes it worse. I tried physical theraply but my guy wasn't too good my car wreck doctor said it will hurt for years most likely. I haven't done the stuffed animal thing, but I am thinking about it, only because hugging a box doesn't comfort me very much. I kinda put it in the better than nothing category. It is going to be hard and easy to leave this house. Hard because all of my Harley memories are here, easy because this house is a pain in the neck to own. Right now there is a bird's nest in my attic that I don't know how to get rid of. So every morning I hear peep peep peep. Well one of them woke up last night and was peep peep peeping, the foster dog killed a bird yesterday so I had visions of them organizing a mutiny since they new I was housing a murderer. My sleep cycle is all messed up. I took some pain medicine last night which always makes me wacky so I was up until about 4:30 watching a show on PBS about whaling in the 17th, 18th and 19th centuries in America. First time I have watched PBS in years really, but I only have limited cable so it was that or the early morning news. Good luck with your office move. I do dread moving. I'm not actually relocating until next Summer but with the real estate market the way it is I have no idea how long it will take the house to sell. So I may have to get a rental for a while in which case I will be moving twice. I am going to try to upload a picture of Harley again, I tried a while back and it didn't work. I am puppy sitting my friends dog who Dover loves over Memorial Day weekend so Dover will have someone to play with for at least a few days. I can hardly look at Harley pictures right now, they all make me cry. I'd be his first owner's slave for life if she would let me I feel so quilty about not being able to fix Harley. I hope you have a good weekend. We are supposed to have sun this weekend, that's a big deal in the Seattle area. I am considering a movie, I like the distraction. The lady at the post office asked if I had seen something yesterday about dogs and I didn't catch the title and she said but you will cry and I was thinking not a good choice right now, I would be sobbing, I told her I hadn't even seen Marley & Me and she said it was much worse than that so I think I will pass. My Casper and Harley looked almost like twins, when I would take them places together people asked if they were little mates, I called them my bookends. I told my therapist I feel like I am trying to stand up in the ocean and that everytime I feel like there might be a nano-second where I can catch my breath a tidal wave comes and knocks me back down. I am working on doing some sort of tribute to Harley, either a toy drive in his name or a fundraiser. There is a fund at his specialist for people who can't afford their pets treatments. I need to talk to his first owner first though, she is in advertising and has more contacts than me. I will try to come to ALLN next week, one I went to on another board once had about 100 people and it was chaos, too many in my opinion. It's hard because it is early for us on the west coast, but I will try. Take care and I hope you have a moment of brightness this weekend. EAF

Hi Elizabeth and Bees, I am glad you two connected so perhaps you can help each other. I wanted to share some things that I found. One of you asked what book I had ordered, the other one was called: Saying Goodbye to your Angel Animals I have only just started it so I can't really offer a review yet. I also ordered one suggested on another thread about different feelings you have during grief How to Survive Your Grief in addition I ordered 2 that deal with the loss of a child from Amazon because I wanted something that went deeper. I have been spending some time on the spouse and behaviors section of the board and I have found some useful things there as well. Today is the first day I have even been able to breathe, I had a horrible panic attack last night, didn't get to sleep until about 5 am and then had the most wonderful dream about Harley. I actually had to get out of bed today to go to work and then I did physical labor in my yard which helped occupy my time. I have no choice but to try to sell my house this year so I am trying to forge ahead. I am trying to put a positive spin on it by thinking well I am already miserable so I might as well get the miserable chorse done now so they will be over if I ever start feeling better. I am moving next year to pursue my sciences and then vet school, Harley inspired me to finally go to vet school, it's something I have always thought about and I think now is the time. The only thing I have really found that offers even a second of peace right now is doing things for the other puppies, I think Harley would approve. I still cry every day and probably will for a long time. One of my good friends has stepped up to the plate and is being very supportive and I am trying to do everything I can think of for Dover. There is also a chance I will be helping Harley's first owner with a project this weekend which makes me feel useful. I also wanted to share a web site that I found. This lady doesn't something I haven't seen anywhere else. She makes stuffed animals that look like your pet and you can store their ashes in a special compartment and then you can sort of hug them again. http://www.belovedpe...m/grieving.html I also have a site that shows memorial gardens but I have to find it again. Bees I am sorry your famly can't be there for you, I can't imagine how hard it would have to be to put on a fake front for my family. Elizabeth, I was wondering what program you used for your tribute. I really liked the song you picked, was Casper in any of those pictures? I had someone offer to do one for Harley but I think I would like to do it myself, I am also making one of those Shutterfly books for me and his previous owner of his time with me. I hope you both find some peace this weekend, I am glad you can be there for each other. There was a conference offered today on sudden loss online that I wanted to listen too but the timing didn't work out, but the person did say she would be making a tape so I am going to try to get one. It was coordinated through the person who wrote the How to Survive Your Grief book. Anyway I hope you guys get some rest tonight. I don't currently have a doctor and need to find one so I can get some sleep meds, my old doctor retired a few years ago. Take care, EAF (I hate the nickname Liz so I just went to my initials, that's what I use with all my friends)

Hi, I too can relate, the other day I stayed in bed until 4:30 in the afternoon, sleep is my escape at the moment, I have some good dreams when I am asleep and then I have to wake up and realize it was only a dream. Today I had to get up at 9 to be at work and I think it helped some. Then I spent the afternoon doing physical stuff to try to occup my mind, it worked for a while. I just wanted to put in my 2 cents worth and say you are not alone. I wish you some peace this weekend, Elizabeth

Wow that is really beautiful, thank you for sharing, perhaps I will try that sometime, if I ever get to stop crying long enough that is. I am so sorry for your loss. Elizabeth

Hi Other Elizabeth and Bees, I just wanted you guys to know I'm thinking about our tonight, bracing for another Sunday. Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since Harley left and in some ways it seems like a lifetime. It's been a really hard day so I will try to email more tomorrow. I hope you each find some sleep and peace tonight, Elizabeth (PS we can shorten me to Liz if that makes it easier )

Hi Marty, I cried through the whole thing. I own an online store and I put up a notice that the store was closed for a while due to a family emergency and one of my dearest custombers emailed me to say she hoped everything was OK and we got to talking and she lost her dog last Oct. and someone sent it to her so she shared it with me. It's one I had never heard before, I did smile about the extended warrenty, so sad and so true. I am glad you enjoyed it. I heard a good quote the other day, "Death ends the life not the relationship", I haven't been able to absorb it yet, because selfishly I want my Harley back with me, I also heard "An angle's destiny is to return home", that made me cry too. But then mowing the grass makes me cry. Hope you have a happy Mother's Day as well. Elizabeth

Hi Elizabeth, I know what you mean about Mother's day. My Mom died in '99 and it seems like there are just an ambush of ads on this year, everywhere I look, the tv, radio, my inbox, everyone wants me to celebrate Mother's day. I am sorry for your other losses. I'm glad you had that time with Casper. I am so mad at myself, I had been working really hard all winter to get ahead so I could spend time with the puppies in the summer when the weather is nice instead it just took me away from Harley during his last months here. I am so mad at myself about so many of the decisions I made. Even during his last two weeks I had to move some stuff out of storage to save money and that is time I could have had with him. I so agree with Bees that I would give anything to be able to hold him again. A customer of mine sent me a really lovely piece that someone sent her when she lost her dog last October. I will repost it here, but be warned it will make you cry, at least it did me. I try to walk my other dogs every day, usually crying along the way. I so wish I had a significant other to hold onto at night or when the pain is too much. I'm trying but every day just seems to get harder and harder. I know we are all going to hate this Sunday, I wish there was something I could say that would make it better. I ordered the Cold Noses book and one other, I can't remember the name of it. Hang in there guys, somehow we need to go on, Elizabeth I will attach the piece. The little orange boy stopped.doc

Hi Bees, I was just wondering how you were doing? In addition to Sunday I also hate Thursdays and Saturdays. They are both days that Harley got sick towards the end. I like Wednesdays as that is the day he got to come home. I still can't believe he isn't ever going to be here again. The car is the worse part, expecting to see him in the passenger seat all the time. I tired putting Dover in it and he didn't like it, he's used to his crate. I went to the chat at ALLN last night, it was a very nice group, I'm going to try to go each week. It was better than the other chat I had tried. I just feel like I am going to cry every day for the rest of my life. About this time each week I start dreading the coming of Sunday, I wish I could just take a pill and sleep through each Sunday. It's only been a week and a half and I have no concept of ever being happy again. I just want to be with him so badly, I feel like I am just marking off days until I see him again. It feels like a prison sentence, like oh in 40 years we will set you free and you can see him again. I know he wouldn't want me to be so sad, I just can't help it. How is your week going? At least it stopped raining here for a bit, it had been raining for days. I just hate myself for every little thing I feel I did wrong. It's a horrible feeling. Well I hope you are hanging in there. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help. Take care, Elizabeth

Hi Elizabeth149, I was just wondering how you are doing this week. The past few days have been really hard so I haven't been online as much. I think it's funny that we both have the same first name and both have a Casper. My Casper came from a shelter in Florida where you got one day to be adopted, and if no one got you on your day too bad. There used to be a web site for terrier rescue and I saw him on there and flew over to get him. At first they weren't going to let me take him out of state because he had heartworm disease but I finally managed to work my way up the chain of command and adopt him. Then I flew him back under the seat. In reality he is a little big to be under the seat and he barked half way back across the country. I felt like somewhere over Denver they were about to open the door and say OK you two jump. The guy sitting next to me was a saint, poor Casper had no idea what was going on. I am still convinced that in the back halls of Delta somewhere is a picture of him with the caption "Never let this dog on a plane again." I am starting to get some physical symptoms from all the stress and grief. I spoke to soon, I now have trouble sleeping, but once I get to sleep I never want to get up. Sleep is the only recourse I have so I have been staying in bed until 2 or 3 in the afternoon. I visited the chat room at ALLN this week, it was a very good group, I liked it much better than my other chat room, I just have to remember the time difference. The guilt continues to eat at me. To make matters worse I went online and googled my vet and they got horrible reviews. The specialist where Harley ended up was A+ but my regular vet did not score well so I am looing for a new one. I figure one of the reasons I like nights is I feel like I can cross off another day and I am one day closer to seeing Harley again. It is horrible to want to wish your life away. Everytime I think of all the days and years without him to come, I just melt. I have a lump in my neck that I have to get checked out, I can't decide if I am hoping it is cancer or hoping it isn't. It's like the universe came and sucked out a part of the household and now we are stuck in this awful vacuum with no way to change the dynamic. I still haven't decided what to do about Harley's body, I finally got enough nerve to open the box the urns came in, but I wasn't thrilled with them. I just don't feel like I can hand him over to a group of strangers. I just feel like I am drowning is despair and there is nothing to hold on to. I go to see a therapist every week but in reality there isn't much she can say, nothing will make this any better, I just want my Harley back. I ordered 2 pet grief books to try and I orderd Harley some prayer flags to hang outside. The theory is when the wind blows through them they carry your love and prayers and thoughts into the universe for the lost pet. Anyway, how are things going at your end? How are your fosters? I am not strong enough to do fosters, I've tried twice and they both ended up staying. Well I hope your week is going well. Everyone just keeps telling me to take it one day at a time. Take care, Elizabeth

I have been meaning to post some replies but the last few days have been really rough. Today the world is just more than I can handle, I didn't get up until 2. I ordered some books yesterday on pet loss, I don't have a lot of faith they will help but I ordered them anyway. I also found something neat via fb, prayer flags for pets, like the ones they put up on Mt. Everest, I ordered a set for Harley. http://www.prayersonthewind.com/ I am starting to feel really sick, all my muscles hurt from crying and I think 11 days of straight crying is starting to take a toll. I don't sleep well anymore, I toss and turn. Everyone keeps saying it will get better, I am not convinced. That's about it for me today. Oh the prayer flag site has a really good book resources list as well. Hang in there everyone, Elizabeth