melina

I might have to try that - plan my weekend. I'm still on sick leave, so weekends shouldn't feel any different than other days, but they do. I find myself sitting at the kitchen table every morning, trying to get some energy to do something - anything. I have to walk the dog every day, but it's hard to find the motivation to do much else. On weekdays - there are often offices I need to visit, calls I need to make. Weekends - nothing. Who knows - maybe I need to move to a big city where there's always something going on. We live in the country and now that fall has set in, it's cold and lonely.

Melina

I was thinking - after posting yesterday - that I've never actually lived alone before. I was in a dorm in college, and then shared with some friends. But my husband and I moved in together nearly 30 years ago, married a year and a half later, and now is the first time I've ever had to manage by myself.

I'm 52, and I wonder if I can learn how to do this. I've never been the type to have a lot of friends, going out with "the girls", like other people have done. So far I'll have my youngest son at home until next fall, but he'll probably go off to college then.

The grief, sadness and missing my husband is bad enough. But I feel actually pretty scared about doing everything myself, having all the responsibility for not only my own life, but my sons, our house, the yard, the dog, etc. And sooner or later I'll have to return to work, making all this even harder.

Do other people feel this way and for those of you who have come further in the grief process, whose loss is not so recent, how have you learned to be alone?

Melina

Deb,

None of my friends have experienced this kind of loss. I have a couple of friends who are divorced, but they can't understand what I'm going through. It's true, it helps to talk to people who know exactly what this feels like. I suppose you can't know the immense pain unless you've been there yourself.

So this group is really a comfort - you're right.

Melina

My husband also died on August 5th, and for some reason it's so hard to name that date. I'm just sitting here crying tonight. I hope things get better for all of us.

Melina

Chris,

If you read my posts you'll see that guilt is a main theme for me. My husband was in the hospital for a week before he died, and we had no idea he was going to die until just a few hours before it happened. I feel guilt each and every day for not being a better wife to him before he left us. But people here have been good about helping me through that. Guilt is, apparently, a normal part of grief. And while I still feel it intensely, and still long to go back and change the past, I know that I'll have to block that out and accept that there were good times and bad times if I'm to go on living. I have to focus on what was good. I can barely read these posts, because I know the guilt will return, but I guess we just have to plow through it. It's hard, I know.

Melina

I know many of you are going through your own rough days and rough weeks. I'm having one hell of a rough week (excuse my language), and it's only Tuesday. The weekends really bring me down, and when I wake up each morning, realizing I have to get through another day without my soulmate, it's a new trauma every day.

Maybe now - at 6 weeks - it's finally dawning on me that this is my new life. I don't like it one bit - and apart from my four sons - life seems pretty meaningless right now. I was in town today and feel like I only see happy families, happy couples, though I know I'm probably only noticing these particular people.

I know that everyone can experience loss and deep grief, no matter long they've been together with their loved one, but I've spent my entire adult life with one man, and it seems impossible to manage this without him. I don't know how to be alone. For 30 years he's been here with me - and suddenly, there is only silence.

If only I could get a sign or a dream, as everyone else has. I keep talking to him, asking him to give me something, anything. I'm praying for one. But so far - nothing.

I'm blabbering on here - just trying to get through one more day.

Melina

Bill,

I suppose I should have said "blood is thicker than water" - since my sons, like yours, have been my real support. They are in every sense of the word, my reason for living. Mine are younger - 19, 22, 24 and 26, and I've worried a lot about the youngest. He lives with me and has trouble, like most teenager boys, talking about his feelings. But I can tell he's been trying to make me feel better, and I have to try to help him through this. I've been worried about the others too, but they seem to be coping. That my sons have become such wonderful people makes me feel a little less guilty in general. We must have done something right together to produce such treasures.

Melina

I've found that water is thicker than blood while grieving. I have friends who keep calling and asking if I want to talk about my husband, while my husband's family have basically told me to move on, stop talking about it. Maybe they feel uncomfortable - that it hurts too much to talk about him. My mother, sister and brother have completely disappeared. My brother told me in an e-mail a few weeks ago (I lost my husband about 6 weeks ago), that he couldn't help me anyway, so there was no point in staying in touch for now while I'm being so emotional. I'm baffled by the responses I've received. People I've thought would be there for me - aren't. And people I've never expected to hear from have been surprisingly comforting. Through it all - my four sons, all young adults - have been my best source of support, and I've tried hard to be theirs, but it's hard to know how much you can lean on someone, especially if they're grieving too.

Melina

Lately I've been wondering what George would tell me to do in my situation...we used to talk over everything and I found his opinion to be invaluable to me. I've wondered, if he could make contact with me, a sign, or anything, what would he let me know. Has anyone else ever wondered anything like that? Has anyone received what they perceived to be signs or answers to things they needed to know, from their loved one? Or am I just wondering something too far out there...

I keep wondering about signs. I said this on another post, but I'm repeating myself here - partly because I'm sitting here alone thinking about it - how do we know when we receive a sign? I'm convinced my husband would tell me to stop obsessing over things that happened in the past. He would have told me not to worry about them, that he loves me, that he wants me to move forward - for me and for our kids. But I just wish - actually I yearn - for a sign of some sort. Anything. I haven't even had a dream where he appeared. I did have one dream, where I knew he was upstairs or around somewhere, but not right beside me. Still, I would love to see him, hear his voice, get some sort of confirmation that he is with me.

When he was diagnosed with cancer, I prayed every day to God that he would survive, and thought I saw signs telling me he would be okay. But of course - he died anyway. So how do we know what are signs and what aren't? And if they are signs, how do we know what they mean?

Melina

How do you know what's a sign and what isn't? I keep hoping for a sign - a dream - anything to let me know my husband is near. But so far I haven't noticed anything.

When he was diagnosed with cancer, and I was praying to God every day to allow him to live, I kept thinking I saw signs that meant he would live. A rainbow, an animal, etc. But then he died. Does this mean these weren't signs at all? And how would I know now what the actual signs are?

Confusing - but I sincerely want to find something to hold on to that gives me the feeling he's still with me.

Melina

Thanks for all the comments and support on my guilt post. I think I may be having a new round of acute grief. I was doing so well last week - really felt I was making progress. Now the last couple of days it's as though I'm back to the first week after his death. I think about him every single minute of the day, feel almost desperate with longing and sadness, cry all the time, and don't see how this is going to get better. It's like that game - chutes and ladders - just when I think I've climbed up, I get sent down to the bottom again. It's sheer torture.

Melina

This group has been wonderfully supportive and has helped me greatly over the past 5, going 6 weeks now. I was a complete mess when my husband died. I'm doing a little better now - still crying every day, but able to stop. And as I've said earlier, I have days where I only cry now and then, while other days are "sobbing days" where my stomach muscles end up hurting from the weeping.

The problem for me here is that I feel like I'm - not sure how to express it - not as worthy as other people here. I've mentioned this earlier too. We were married for 28 years, together for nearly 30. We've had some roller coaster rides in our marriage. At one point I didn't think we were going to make it. But we persevered and came through crises together. I've said and done things in the past that I regret. We've hurt each other, and then made up and square things up. But now it seems all I can think about are those bad moments. I notice that most people here talk about all their good times, that they never missed a chance to say "i love you" or to hug, even holding hands while they ate dinner. Though we certainly said "i love you" and hugged a lot, I missed a lot of those chances.

I do have sort of a pessimistic personality, and some baggage from growing up. My father was an alcoholic, I couldn't get along with my mother, and there was a lot of depression in our family. My brother committed suicide three years ago. As such, I seem to be the kind of person who automatically feels guilty - about everything. I've felt guilt even when it's been unreasonable to feel it.

Now I'm having trouble remembering or holding on to those good memories with my husband. Or rather - I have wonderful memories of him - he was a wonderful man, kind, loving and generous, but I can't seem to locate all the good memories where I feel I was worthy enough or good enough as a wife. Maybe I felt this way in general.

Many of the posts here leave me feeling guilty, though I know of course that's never been the intention. Not sure if I should take a break from this site, or if there is any comfort to be found on this topic. Maybe people tend to write the good stuff and leave out the bad? What's normal and what's not in a marriage - I'm not sure any more. We stuck together for nearly 30 years, which I suppose counts for something. Our four sons have all turned out to be fine young men. I should take comfort in this - but it's so hard. I keep beating myself up over old memories.

Apparently this is to be one of my low days.

Melina

Thank you, Marty, I appreciate your support. And Amysue, I completely understand your words. Grief finds us in all kinds of places.

Melina

I feel like I'm making a little progress now. I have one day that's basically a mess - sobbing and feeling like I just want to die. Then I'll have a day like today. I was able to do a few errands, buy a few necessities for the house and start fixing up my son's room. I vacuumed and emptied and put away a few boxes. I think I've mentioned we moved into this old house just before my husband died. I even did some electrical work with a lamp I bought.

Then after a trip to the grocery store, I went to fill gas in the car and as I stood there with the gas pump and the gas credit card, I realized I couldn't remember the pin code for the card. This is often the case, so I pulled out my cell phone to call my husband as I usually do when I forget pin codes, but stopped halfway. That was enough to get me crying. I must have looked insane. This middle-aged woman standing at the gas station with the pump in her hand, crying her eyes out. Just a little thing like that - but maybe I've been holding everything in today because I was determined to get something done.

Melina

Fran,

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's five weeks since I lost my beloved husband to lung cancer. He had never smoked in his life, was healthy and active and then this happened. His cancer was in remission, but suddenly he got a pneumonia that killed him. We were completely unprepared - it was a shock. Our four sons and I are all in deep grief. I feel the same way you do. It still seems unreal, it can't be happening to us. I've been in deep despair, and I feel utterly lost. This site has been a good support for me. I can pour out my feelings and thoughts and someone will always be there with comforting words, similar experiences and reality checks. Use it to help you through.

Melina

Thanks Bill, I hope we both feel better soon. I could never have imagined this kind of pain, but I suppose in the end, we'll have learned more about ourselves and be able to empathize to a greater degree with other people. If that's any consolation. I worked in Malawi, in Africa, for a time. I remember that each and every family I met had lost one or more members to AIDS, malaria or other diseases, including cancer. Grief was a normal part of their lives, yet they continued to work to feed what was left of their families, to go to church, to find some meaning with their lives. And they did it with only a fraction of the resources we have. Now I know a little of what they must have been going through.

Melina

It seems that every third day I have my sobbing day. It's two-thirty in the afternoon and I haven't been able to stop since getting up at ten. I'm not sure if it's certain things that set it off, or if I just have to pour out my grief all in one go every so often. The sobbing is so hard my stomach muscles are starting to hurt. Today I think it's the guilt again - feeling I should have appreciated my husband more. And the post-trauma - I think - that I didn't realize he was dying until just hours before his death.

My sister-in-law says that I should just stop thinking about it. She's not religious and says that he's gone now and feels nothing. She says it's like not being born. This doesn't comfort me at all.

Melina

I'm so sorry for your loss. My brother died just weeks before his wife was due to give birth. It was with mixed feelings she went into labor. She takes great joy in her daughter, but the grief was very much there. Now three years later, she's coping and doing well. It will take time - but I know it hurts badly.

Melina

Bill,

Your post here makes me feel so guilty. We had a hectic year last year - financial trouble, moving house twice, trying to sort out our kids - all on top of my husband's cancer. I have several regrets and unfinished business. Though we often told each other "I love you" and kissed and held one another, there were also times of frustration and weariness. When I think of all those times I could have kissed or held him, but didn't, it burns a hole in my heart. I'm wondering if my grief will linger because of this. I don't know how I'm going to manage it.

Melina

Tammy,

I have a similar story. My non-smoking husband was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer, which then went to stage 4. He was in remission though, when a complicated pneumonia killed him. We were completely unprepared, and though this happened over a month ago, I still feel like I'm partly in shock. Often I can't believe it's actually happened. We were together 29 years - nearly my entire adult life - and have four sons - the youngest of which lives at home. Mornings are absolutely the worst for me. Well, and evenings when I'm going to bed. I try not to look too far into the future, because I get panicky thinking about living for years and years without him by my side.

It's hard to come up with a lot of positive things in a situation like this. But this group has been a wonderful support for me. I have no family nearby and few friends to lean on. My husband was my rock. I suppose the only thing I can offer you in a positive sense is that I now have certain times of the day where things are not quite as painful and I can manage to do other things. At the beginning I just sat still at the table, unable to go out or even to eat. I had thoughts of suicide and was basically a mess. That has changed already, and I'm making progress, I think, though I still cry every day, sometimes just a little, sometimes hysterically sobbing.

They say those periods where the grief is not as intense will grow longer and come more often. While we wait to heal, I think we just have to plow through this year as best we can. I have a grief counselor I talk with. It helps at least for an hour or so after I've spoken with her. And maybe it puts things into perspective. I have an enormous amount of guilt and regret, so it helps to talk with someone about that.

Melina

Carol Ann,

I have written long e-mails to my husband filling them with all the things I wanted to say, but didn't have the chance. I might continue doing that. It helps, in a weird way. I have also had other losses. My father died of cancer five years ago, and my brother committed suicide three years ago. It was difficult then too, but nothing like losing a soulmate. When they died, I had my husband to hold me and back me up. Now I have no one.

But I'm grateful for the people on this site who understand.

Melina

Thank you Carol Ann. It's good to get immediate replies. Since I live in Europe, I seem to be on a different time zone than anyone else on this site - so I rarely see replies until the next day. When you say writing - do you mean to your partner, or just writing in general?

Melina

I see from the posts here that it's important to get out there and be with people, but this is a very difficult area for me. It's about a month and a half since I lost my soulmate. I still can't believe this has happened.

I have a few friends who call or e-mail me regularly and ask if they can come over, go for a walk with me, whatever. I keep saying no, because I don't know how I'm going to feel in ten minutes time - let alone a few hours or a day. I can be relatively ok for fifteen minutes, then it just hits me and I sit here sobbing. Also, these friends all have husbands and normal lives. I feel like I'm this huge open wound all over, and anything can hurt me - even just casual comments about their husbands or families or what they did during the day. I don't feel like I can be with other people at all.

How does everyone else manage?

Melina

Bill,

I've been having those hard days off and on - mostly on - as you can tell from my posts. I don't know how long you've been alone now. For me it's nearly a month and a half, and it seems now as though I'll have one day that's not too bad, then the next will be a little worse and the third will be hell. I cry a little on the "good" days and sob myself into a frenzy on the bad ones. I'm hoping the "good" days will eventually outnumber the bad ones. That loneliness is really excruiciating - like a large hole in my gut and a lump in my throat.

I'm still not at the point where I can socialize - so good for you on that point. You've made progress, however painful. I've had my grown sons plus a daughter-in-law here for a month, then I was down to three sons, then two, and now there's just my 19-year old and me at home. Every time one of them leaves to go off and study, I've collapsed. I know I'll have to socialize at some point, see some people, but it feels meaningless.

I'm off to see the grief counselor again. I hate the location - at the hospital where my husband died. But it helps for a little while to sit and cry and talk.

Hope you have a better day today.

Melina

Cheryl,

This actually lifted my spirits - hanging very low this evening. It's a very difficult season, but hopefully we'll see a beautiful spring in time.

Thank you!

Melina