melina

I can't stop thinking about ending this hell. I know I should stay here for my sons - they don't deserve to lose yet another parent and would be devastated. But I can't see going on like this. Even for one more week. It's just impossible. I'm on antidepressants and sedatives, but I still feel frantic with pain, grief and loneliness.

Is this normal? Will I make it? Should I even make it? Or would it be easier to just quit now? I can't even bring myself to pick up the phone and talk to anyone.

Melina

Thanks for the support. This has become an important forum for me. I know I have to be here for my kids - it would be devastating to lose two parents. But it feels like life is over. Like most of me died with him, and the rest remains in a torture chamber.

If there is a hell - then this is it.

Melina

The ashes will be spread across the ocean this afternoon from his friend's sailboat. I've been crying on and off for two days straight, feeling too sick to eat. I'm going to save some of them for spreading on the mountains or just for keeping. All I could find to keep them in was our ceramic coffee container. He would have laughed at that - he was such a coffee connoisseur.

Melina

Just over three weeks since my soulmate died. I hoped that the pain would begin to ease up, but if anything it's gotten worse. I just sit and cry most of the day. Nothing makes sense. There is no meaning to anything. What's the point of getting up? What's the point of eating? I have to force myself to function for the sake of my youngest son still living at home. If not for him, I would probably just lay on the sofa all day. Or in bed. Life can never be normal again.

All the people that offered condolences have gone on with their lives. No one calls or e-mails any longer - apart from my mother telling me not to contact her anymore because my grief is bad for her blood pressure. I just feel so utterly alone and abandoned. I miss him so badly it physically aches. If this is what life is going to be from now on, I really can't handle living.

Melina

It's three weeks now since I lost my husband. I noticed in the store yesterday how people were talking about their upcoming weekends. I also used to look forward to Friday and weekends, even though we usually stayed home and did stuff around the house or went for walks. Now there is nothing to look forward to. Let's hope this changes in time.

Melina

Thanks for all the replies. I still feel this crippling guilt. I must have been massively in denial of his dying. I genuinely thought the pneumonia would eventually ease up and that he would come home. Had I only known he was going to die, I would have crawled up into the hospital bed with him, sat with him day and night.

The pain of missing him is bad enough - but the guilt is really killing me. I can't sleep or eat thinking about it.

Melina

Just needed a little contact with someone. I moved to Norway 30 years ago because of my husband, but have never really felt I belonged here completely. I don't belong in Washington either - where I came from.

Now I'm alone. My two youngest sons are still here, but I don't know what to do now that my husband is gone. I miss him so badly. Having a very bad day today.

Melina

I feel the same way. My husband was taken from me just three weeks ago. I can't even bring myself to name the date. The beautiful things in my life are my sons and my husband. Now all I have to live for are our sons. They're grown, but our youngest still lives with me. They are all grieving, as I am, but hopefully they will create their own families and find happiness. Right now I can't see any happiness in my future at all and it's tough to find any meaning in anything. I have no family to support me - they've pulled away. But there are certain friends who try. It's hard to know what to ask for. All I want is my husband back, and no one can give me that. His birthday in December will be hard - followed by Christmas which will be even harder.

We'll just have to get through it all somehow for our kids.

Melina

Today I have to pick up the urn with my husband's ashes, and I'm dreading it. We're going out in a sailboat to spread them on the ocean. He loved to sail and loved the ocean. It seemed fitting. He also loved the mountains, so we plan to save some of the ashes to spread there as well.

I feel it's necessary to get this done, but I hate the thought of going through this. The funeral was one thing, now we're sort of having another funeral. Only this time with just my children and me. My two oldest children are leaving for the states to continue their studies, so it will have to be this weekend. It's going to be so painful.

Melina

Twenty days now since I lost my husband. I've noticed that the days are a little different. Yesterday I was able to get a few things done, visited a couple of offices, got through some bills. I didn't feel horrible all the time and I could talk about things with the kids at dinner. Today, however, it was as if a dam broke and all my emotions rushed out. I've been crying off and on all day and the pain in the pit of my stomach has been unbearable. I miss him so immensely.

Is this how it will be? Do others feel this way - like all the grieving we do just gets too much for the body and it has to take a break before it starts grieving again?

Melina

It's inspiring to hear that healing is possible. Thank you for sharing this - it gives me hope, even though I'm in the thick of black grief now.

Melina

Thanks everyone for being here for me. This is the only place I have to turn to with this intense grief. No one else seems to understand - nor do they seem able to deal with it.

For me, the mornings are the worst - well, pretty much all day is bad - but trying to get out of bed and deal with the day is the hardest part. I just want to sleep and try to forget it all.

Melina

I feel like I'm just using everyone here for my own benefit - instead of helping others. But it's still just a little over two weeks since my husband died. I just don't feel I can be of any help to anyone when I'm such a mess myself. I feel this intense sense of loneliness and terror that I might always feel this way. It's like I've lost my sense of safety and security - like anything can happen to me now. I'm completely vulnerable.

Having no family to back me up and allow me to lean on them makes it even worse. I don't want to lean on my children. They need me.

How do you deal with the loneliness and does it ease up? I don't want to live the rest of my life alone, yet I can't imagine living with anyone but my husband.

Melina

I've noticed here, with some envy, that so many people seem to have had perfect relationships with their spouses, so that when they died, they can be missed, but without guilt. I loved my husband deeply - we were together for nearly 30 years. But our relationship wasn't always a bed of roses. We've had some pretty rough roller coaster rides, but managed to get through them and stick together.

The last few years before he received that dreaded cancer diagnosis, however, things were better than ever. We had taken a few trips together alone and generally enjoyed one another's company. My favorite memories are when he would stand making dinner (he was always the better cook), and I would sit sipping wine and we would talk about all kinds of things. Then we'd hug.

But after his diagnosis, things became stressful. I nursed him through the radiation which was painful, he could barely eat. I drove him back and forth to the hospital when his lungs filled with fluid and had to be drained, and then finally we were told the scans looked good and he was in remission. He didn't seem very healthy, but we thought it was just a matter of time - he needed to build up his health. Because he felt sick, probably (he was not a complainer generally), he grew short-tempered, wasn't able to do much, and I felt frustrated with him and with us in general. Our last time together as a family was at our oldest son's wedding in Maine. A long flight and hard on my husband. He complained a lot about shortness of breath, and I was worried, but also concerned about the wedding going smoothly and for us all to be there.

Now, looking back, I understand he was not in remission at all - but that there was a second cancer, more aggressive than the first, that was slowly killing him.

I have enormous guilt that I was not more patient, more caring. When he went to the hospital with pneumonia (he had this regularly so we sort of knew what to expect), it was with the expectation that he would get his intravenous antibiotics and come home again.

Only he never did come home. The last thing he heard was me and the kids telling him we loved him. He said he was scared and I told him not to worry, that I was there for him. And then he died.

Why am I writing this? Tears are streaming down my face as I write. Why wasn't I more attentive to his needs?. Why did I not make the most of our relationship and appreciate it more while he was alive - and even alive and healthy? I feel like the guilt is holding me captive. My grief is not just sadness at losing him but also at failing him.

Melina

Kim, I'm glad to hear that things can and do get easier. Right now it's still only been just a little over two weeks. Each morning is a new nightmare when I realize - again- that my husband and father of my four kids is gone.

It's nearly 3 in the morning and a wedding celebration is going on down the road (very loudly - but I can't sleep anyway), and it makes me feel even worse. I miss him so much that sometimes I feel I can't go on.

Melina

It's now 15 days since my husband died. In the evenings, like tonight, I get these horrible panic attacks. My stomach feels like it's being gouged out and I can't stop crying. I feel so alone and scared. I have to help my fourth and youngest teenage son through this year. But I don't know how I'm going to manage. My beloved husband was our rock, our anchor. He took care of us. That sounds old-fashioned, I know, but he was so strong, so good for us. I don't how to cope. I've tried reaching out to my family - mother, sister, brother - but they just say they can't cope with my pain. The grief counselor is good - but it only helps about an hour after I've talked to her. Then the pain returns.

Please everyone - just a pat on the shoulder - a cyber-hug, a comment that things will get better in time - all would be appreciated. Help!!

Melina

It's been nearly two weeks now since my husband went into the hospital with what we thought was pneumonia and never came home again. His cancer, which we thought was in remission had spread all over his body. My shock, trauma and grief are one thing - and though it's unbearable now, I may be able to get through, if I could wallow in pain alone for a while.

My worry is how my kids are. Especially my youngest son, age 19. He doesn't say much about it. Our collective grief has been so huge, that he's just been a part of that. It's helped him to have his three older brothers and sister-in-law around. We've been reminiscing good times, playing a board game or two, eating ice cream and watching movies. But when they leave for universities again - it'll just be me and him. I'm worried about how he'll be. He's a shy, quiet kid, has a few good friends, but not very social on the whole. I've asked him if he'd like to talk to a grief counselor with me, but he doesn't want to.

My pain is so enormous, it's very hard for me to talk to him about his father's death without sobbing, so I've not tried. His brothers have talked to him a little, but he doesn't open up. He's due to start studying at a community college nearby, but doesn't really want to do anything except sit in his room and play his guitar.

How do I help him without collapsing myself?

Melina

Kayc - and everyone,

Unfortunately, we had to move from a house we'd lived in for years after my husband was diagnosed with cancer. When we bought that house we took out debt insurance. But a couple of months ago we bought a new house - but of course they wouldn't give us debt insurance because of his condition. I'll get some life insurance compensation - but not nearly enough. Money is one worry - of course - but the grief right now sort of overshadows all the practical stuff.

I talked to a grief counselor yesterday who said not to think too far into the future. Easier said than done - but I think she may be right. Each morning is a chore - just to get up, make coffee and greet my children. Then I have to start calling different places to get a few practical things taken care of. Dinner has to be bought and made. I'm lucky my kids are here - but I can't help thinking about when they leave. When winter sets in (we're in Norway where it's dark all winter, lots of snow), when I'm all alone in the evening on a stormy night. I think about the plans we made for the fall - we were going to rent a cabin and just chill out, relax together, go for walks with our dog. Next summer - we even had vacation plans. What about Christmas? How do I get through that without him? All this is gone. It's thinking about the future that really does me in - brings on the panic attacks. What am I going to do with myself the rest of my life?

What amazes me is how my own mother and siblings have reacted. They don't contact me. They send an e-mail now and then saying "thinking of you - get in touch if you need to". It's like tossing off a few phrases and hoping I won't get in touch. On the other hand - friends I hadn't expected to turn up have suddenly turned up - with food, urging me to come out on walks, etc. Sometimes water is thicker than blood.

Melina

Thanks for your supportive words before my husband's funeral. I can barely remember what happened other than there was a lot of crying. Lots of hugs and "you know we're there for you", some food - and then we're left alone. No word from anyone since.

It's quiet here. Three of my sons and one daughter-in-law will be leaving in a couple of weeks to continue their studies. Our youngest, the 19 year old, will be here still. It would be almost easier to be completely alone so I wouldn't have to help him with his pain and grief as well. Seeing the pain in my sons' eyes is almost worst than my own pain.

I get panic attacks with sobbing when I go to bed, then panic attacks when I wake up. In between I'm just existing. I should do something, but I can't seem to get up off my butt. We just moved into this house in June and had big plans for fixing it up - we were looking forward to doing it together. Now I don't even know if I can afford to stay here - let alone fix it up. I don't know where to go, what to do. I feel like I'm just going to exist and then finally be released to death so I can be with him again.

Melina

I am facing the second worst experience of my life in just a few hours. The worst was my husband's death. I have my children who are all in terrible pain as well, and together we have to say goodbye.

I haven't yet dreamed of him, haven't heard his voice, but I could be clouded with sleeping pills and sedatives.

The pain is so immense. I could never have imagined anything like this. It's like being tortured with no relief at all.

I'm so angry with God and the world. My family in the US say they can't afford to come over here to be with me in Europe.

Pray for comfort for us.

Melina

I want to express my gratitude at being welcomed into this group - a group I would have given anything not to have had to join, but I'm glad you guys are here. The funeral is tomorrow and I'm dreading the whole process. The pain of planning the program, the music, and most of all - handing over the clothing he is going to wear before the cremation. They were the clothes he wore at our son's wedding, just a month ago, when we still thought we had all the time in the world. And he was happy. I was happy. Will I ever be happy again?

I am starting to feel this sporadic, but intense anger and envy at all those women who still have their healthy husbands by their sides. I don't want to be like that - but I can't fathom why I was chosen to lose this lottery. Why do I have to be the one in pain while everyone else can just show their sympathy and then go home to their happy homes, relieved they're not me.

I know there are people even worse off in other parts of the world - but it's no comfort.

Melina

Every morning when I wake up, it takes me a couple of minutes, and it all hits me. He's not here, he'll never be here again. We have to do the funeral/memorial on Friday and I don't know how I'm going to manage. I can't even think straight. I have my four kids here, but three of them will be going back to school in a month. The youngest still hasn't found out what he wants to do and will be at home. Plus there is our dog.

I should be glad there will be a son and a dog here with me, but really, I don't know how I'm going to take care of them. All I want to do is fill my body with sleeping pills, lay in bed and sleep. And forget.

The pain just seems to get worse with each day. Why? When will it lessen enough for me to cope? I can't even walk to the mailbox.

Melina

Three days I've endured without him now. My children are here, helping me, though the youngest is only 19, and I feel their pain at losing a beloved father, just as much as my own pain. Waking up without him is okay - for five seconds - until I realize he's never coming back. And then the pain comes rolling in.

I live in Norway, my mother, sister, brother and their families all live in the states. My two eldest sons also live there, but are here for the moment. I have few friends. My husband's family gives practical help - but no emotional support. There is no one to turn to.

Friends and family send phone SMS, e-mails and cards. But they don't actually reach out - they don't call and ask how I am. They don't offer help. At the same time, I don't know what to ask for. Last night in desperation for someone, I called my sister who lives far away, and ended up just crying. She asked me what was the hardest part - and I said - just losing him, missing him, feeling like I'm going to die without him. She told me I should contact a grief counselor instead.

I don't know how to ask for what I need - but what do I need? Only my husband. I do have a grief counselor, but the only thing I really want is for someone to bring him back. In the middle of the night when everyone was in bed, I panicked. HOw am I going to get through this? How will I get through the cold, snowy winter? How will I get through anything? When I read this forum, I can see there might be pain for years. It is just not possible to endure.

My husband of 29 years, who was my soulmate, my lover and best friend died suddenly two days ago. I am left behind in utter agony and unbelievable pain. His four sons (19 - 26) are also completely devastated. He was diagnosed with lung cancer, though a never-smoker, last summer, and went through radiation, chemo, pneumonia and other setbacks. We were both exhausted, but were given lots of hope that he would either beat this thing or at least be able to manage it over years. He was a strong, healthy, active man.

We went to the U.S. this summer for our son's wedding. He was more or less fine when we went, but started having breathing problems there. When we returned he was heaving for breath. We drove home from the airport, and straight to the hospital, where they told us it was pneumonia. They treated him for it, and things looked good. We thought he was coming home then, but then things got worse, he stopped responding and suddenly he died. It turned out there was another hidden cancer which couldn't be treated.

I'm in shock, and feel unbelievable pain and grief. I also feel enormous guilt that I wasn't more responsive to his needs before he died. The physical therapist told us he needed to start moving around and doing things for himself to get his muscles working better, so I urged him to shower himself, walk around, etc - even though he seemed tired. We all thought he was coming home within a couple of days. I had planned on taking sick leave and helping him out at home until he got better.

I had no idea he was going to die then. Why didn't I crawl into the hospital bed with him? Why didn't I hug him more? Why didn't I shower him? Why didn't I do the things the nurses were doing? I feel like such a horrible, insensitive wife. I loved him so much - he was my only love. I told him that, but I should have shown him more. We were all at his bedside when he died, but he was slipping in and out of consciousness. I don't know if he heard my words.

I can't bear of the thought of living without him. All I want to do is die, but I can't give my kids more pain. It just seems impossible. The grief and guilt are overwhelming. They say you are visited by your dead loved one after their death - in dreams. But I haven't dreamt at all. I haven't seen him, or heard him. I can't wash his clothes, because I don't want to lose his smell. I can barely sleep. To sleep I need sleeping pills, alcohol and sedatives - even then I keep waking up. I feel I let him down when he needed me most.

Why is this happening? Other people get to live long lives together. Friends and family who have spouses don't understand really. My husband was my closest companion. We were like one person. I am completely alone.