Perkins808

Wmjsca,

One of the hardest things for me at the funeral home was the fact that Jeff just looked like he was sleeping. I kept looking over half expecting him to wake up....and it was so hard. When it was finally time to say goodbye, I sat by him alone for a long time - knowing that once I walked away, that was it. I still have no idea how I did it....I like to think that he was right by my side, giving me the strength to walk away.

One of the amazing things that you will learn throughout this process - you are stronger than you think. Tomorrow will be a test of this for sure, but somehow you will find the strength to get through the day.

A thought that came to me during the wake - how could I be surrounded by 400 people....and still feel so all alone?! And the answer was simple. The one person I shared the most with in this world was gone. I can no longer feel his strong arms around me, I can no longer hear his whispers in my ear or see his encouraging smile.....but somehow I still draw strength from him. I remember how we lived our life together....finding something to be thankful everyday, and I try to continue on that same path. It is not easy - but I know it is what I need to do and I know it is what he would want me to be doing.

I wish peace for you tomorrow.

Hugs,

Tammy

I thought that the month of October was going to be a very difficult one. I made it through what would have been mine and Jeff’s first wedding anniversary….and yesterday was Jeff’s birthday.

I decided to have a big party – invited all of our family and friends. I wasn’t sure who would show up, none of Jeff’s family had stepped foot in our house since he died 3 months ago. I was pleasantly surprised that everyone showed up – we cried, we laughed, we shared stories….but most of all we celebrated what a special man Jeff was and how much he touched each of us.

I am attaching some pictures – we did a balloon release. It ended up being a beautiful special day. : )

Tammy

Also - as far as the arrangements go. Follow your heart - you probably know him better than anyone else and the answers will come to you. For my husbands wake I refused to have him in a suit - he looked amazing in a suit, he had just worn one to a wedding we had gone to the weekend before. The man that we all knew and loved was more himself in a bright red Red Sox t-shirt.....and ironically when we went to buy the shirt, we found one that had Dad and the #1 on the back. No one else would see the back of it, but it meant the world to me and the 4 girls. That is who my husband was and I knew in my heart that he would be happy with that decision. You will figure it out I'm sure!

And my last bit of advice - try not to second guess yourself. You are doing the best you can and that is all you can do. It is overwhelming.....but just take it one day at a time, one hour at a time if you need to!

Hi Karebare,

I am so sorry for your loss. You may not find anyone here who matches your exact circumstances - but you will certainly find people who have gone through the trauma of losing the person they loved most in the world. I am relatively new here myself - my husband died just 3 months ago. He was battling cancer, had just received some great news that he had responded to his treatments and we were looking forward to many more years together. Then he sat up in bed one night while we were watching a movie and went into cardiac arrest. I did cpr, the paramedics shocked him.....but he was gone. In the blink of an eye, my husband of only 9 months was gone....he was only 45 years old.

I found this support group on one of my very worst nights. I was searching for some hope that I was not going to feel this overwhelming pain forever, and I was looking for a group that was not going to make me feel worse than I already felt. This one was just what I was looking for.

I have posted several times and was amazed that a) there are so many people out there going through exactly what I am, and b ) there are so many wonderful people here willing to offer their gentle words of advice.

You will have many ups and downs as you work through this most overwhelming time in your life. Come on here and ask questions, vent the bad stuff, or share any positives that you may experience along the way. I think that is an important one to grasp onto - make sure you look for ANY positive things that may happen throughout your day.......so you don't get swallowed up by the negative ones.

I wish you all the best and I wish you peace in this difficult journey.

Hugs,

Tammy

Happy Anniversary KayC - I hope the memories of your love bring you comfort today and always!

Tammy

I have said that so many times myself - I feel cheated.

Tomorrow will be 3 months since Jeff died. We had only been married for 9 months. For Christmas a couple of years ago Jeff bought me this big wooden plaque - it says "Grow old with me.....the best is yet to be." I never imagined that a year and a half after I hung it over my bed that he would be gone and I would go to bed every night with it as a cruel reminder that he will NOT grow old with me, yet I can't bring myself to take it down.

Everytime I start thinking about being cheated I think of a conversation that Jeff and I had on several occasions.....it was about how certain people come into our lives for different reasons. Some are here for a long time, some for such a short time. But every person that comes into our lives teaches us something, whether we realize it or not. They help to shape us into who we are. Jeff helped to make me who I am. I always told him that if something ever happened to him, I would be a better person for having known him....and I believe I am. He had such a profound impact on my life.....one that continues even after his death.

I look back on the last 3 months and wonder how on earth did I ever make it 90 days without him.....and the only answer I've got is - one day at a time.

I wish you comfort abergsma.

Tammy

The CD is called: A Meditation to Ease Grief by Belleruth Naparstek

Here is the link: http://www.healthjourneys.com/product_detail.aspx?id=11

It did bring up such deep emotion, but it was amazing to feel such emotions in a very calm relaxed way.

Just an update:

My Dad is out of the hospital after having a cardiac procedure to regulate his heart rate and is doing great. My daughter's biopsy came back negative. I was able to get Jeff's truck out of impound and it is now legally registered.

I found a wonderful guided imagery CD - it came in the mail two days ago and I can't believe how calming it is. The next time I am hit with so many stressful things (and I'm sure there will be a next time!) I will just pop in the CD and remember that this too shall pass!

Life is good!

Tammy

I am so sorry that you have been hit by the "avalanche" as I have taken to calling it. I can go days at a time without crying and then all of a sudden I am hit hard by this crushing overwhelming pain.

I can relate to your story about your new job somewhat. Jeff and I got married in October last year but weren't able to go on a honeymoon because he started chemo 4 days later. We were finally able to go on our honeymoon in January when they allowed him to have a break from treatments. It was the most fantastic trip - we went on a cruise. I think the best part of the whole trip was that no one but Jeff and I knew that he had stage 4 cancer. We had one whole week where no one gave us that "oh you poor thing" look.

I hope you are able to find some comfort somehow.....and that you continue on your road to healing.

Hugs,

Tammy

Thank you everyone for your replies. Today has been a good day - every time I feel any sadness what so ever I think of the look on Jeff's face when he saw me walk down the aisle. I don't think I've seen a bigger smile....and the tears in his eyes when I finally got to reach for his hand told me he was feeling everything I was.

I stopped on the way home from work today and bought a couple of balloons, one white one for our pure never ending love, and a red one for the happiness and fun times we shared together. I wrote some heartfelt messages on both and released them out in the backyard where we sat and had some of our best talks. Of course I shed some tears.....but they were happy ones, reliving some of the wonderful memories we created.

I only knew Jeff for 4 years, and on many days I feel cheated that I didn't get a lifetime with him. But today? Today I feel blessed to have met him, to have known him and to have loved him.

I refused to say "til death do us part" in our wedding vows because I knew my love for him would not die if he did. Instead we said "To Infinity and Beyond" (which got us a lot of Toy Story jokes?!) but I am glad we went with that because our love will live on forever.

Tammy

Today would have been our first anniversary. I was married to such a dear sweet man that on April 12th (our 6 month anniversary) he came home with a big bunch of flowers......just in case he didn't make it to our first.

When I woke up, I rolled over and stared at his picture. I wished him a Happy Anniversary and thanked him for giving me a love like I have never known before.

I don't know where it has come from, but this sense of calm has come over me today. I like to think that it is Jeff's arms wrapped tight around me just giving me this huge sense of comfort.....enough to allow me to remember the wonderful memories we were able to create together, enough to think of these memories and smile with gratitude that I have been so blessed.

So I spoke earlier of dreading a long weekend, I needed to find something to fill up my time to make it bearable.

Well, I thought I had the perfect plan for the night - I would go and watch the local high school football game. My daughter is in the band and would be there playing tonight. That should keep me busy for a few hours.

I dropped her off an hour before the game and went home where I discovered that my Explorer was dripping anti-freeze. OK, plan B. Jeff's truck is still in the driveway, I'll just take that to get back to the game. Its on empty, so I'll just stop at the gas station after I grab a quick cup of tea. Well, I never even made it that far. About a mile from my house I was pulled over by a cop. I had no idea what I had been pulled over for, I know I wasn't speeding. When the cop approached the car he asked the standard question - do you know why I stopped you?? I admitted that I had no idea. That is when he informed me I was driving an unregistered vehicle. And that would be when I burst into tears. What do you mean an unregistered vehicle? When did the registration expire? He informs me 8 days ago. He then asks me if I have a cell phone on me and I said yes, why? So you can call a friend to pick you up. I asked what I was supposed to do with the truck, just leave it on the side of the road? No....we're going to tow it. Now I am sobbing uncontrollably when he tells me (in a condescending tone) to take a deep breath and relax. Relax? This is my husbands truck. He died in July. It has sat in the driveway since then....and the only reason I am driving it now is because MY vehicle is leaking antifreeze all over the driveway. Can you please just follow me home? I only live a mile away and I will just park it in the yard until I renew the registration. Nope, can't do that....I could lose my job.

Well, after the rough week I have had (did I mention my Dad is in the hospital with cardiac problems and I am now waiting on biopsy results of a mole my daughter discovered on her arm) I was convinced I was losing my mind, didn't really care if he lost his job!!

So, the truck was towed. I had to have a friend come pick me up.....and I get to figure out next week how to get the truck back and registered, and how to get MY vehicle fixed.

Now what I am going to do to keep busy this weekend seems kind of minor in comparison.

The fact that you have started the monumental task of going through things is a huge accomplishment that you need to give yourself credit for! I think that in itself could shake you to the core and bring up all of these emotions that you are feeling.

Be gentle with yourself,

Hugs,

Tammy

While everyone else at work sits and talks of their plans for a nice long weekend, I'm left wondering what I am going to do with 3 entire days at home. And to top it off, my 3 day weekend will be followed up on Tuesday by what should have been my first wedding anniversary with my husband.

I have been telling myself for the last month that I will not let myself be consumed with grief on that day. I will try to find a way to quietly celebrate my love for such a special man. I am not normally the type to wallow, I try to find even the tiniest thing to be positive about - much to the annoyance of some around me sometimes .

As much as I am hoping that next Tuesday is not overwhelming.....this week certainly has been. Maybe I am getting it out of my system now? I woke up having an anxiety attack in the middle of the night Monday night.....and then spent two complete days crying and crying. It's been 3 months since Jeff died, and it really surprised me to feel these things at THIS point. But from what I have read on some of your posts, it seems to be normal that you will be doing well for a while, and then BAM! you are just taken by surprise. Maybe the numbness is really wearing off and I am now feeling everything??

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we were able to take the one step forward, and not take any steps back? I know that this is not the way that grief works (for me anyway) but it would be nice to feel like I had a sense of where I was at in this process and that I was making some progress.

All I can say is wow. I am so sorry that you had to experience that Carol Ann. I would hope that if the person running the meeting knew about this they would have suggested that this other person find another group. Grief has no gender, no sexual orientation......it belongs to ALL of us who have been blessed to have had such a wonderful connection with another human being that their loss has left us devestated.

Hugs,

Tammy

Thank you all for your advice. I knew in my heart what you were going to say - I just needed to hear it from someone else.

I have spent the last 4 years being the bigger person. I always bit my tongue and never said an unkind word about their mother. She took every opportunity to voice her opinions.....but I knew if I ever said anything bad about their Mom it would be like forcing them to choose between me and Mom. It was a no-brainer, Mom would always win no matter if she was right or wrong.

It was a challenge "playing nice" even when Jeff was by my side, but I always managed to do it.....doing it while grieving him? I have no idea how I am going to pull that one off, but I know I have to. Oh how I wish he was here to give me a hug and a pep talk!

Tammy

I need to vent, and I figured what better place.

I have finally reached my boiling point. Thank God that the couple of weeks following Jeff's death, I was numb. I didn't react when Jeff's ex-wife insisted on standing in the receiving line at his wake. I didn't react when 6 days after he died she was hounding me for all of the information to his life insurance policies. I didn't react when two weeks after he died she started having his girls ask me questions about what I was doing with Dad's truck, his jeep, his riding lawnmower, etc. She started calling and texting me - asking me how I was doing? Am I ok? Trying to be friendly with me.

I am not numb anymore.....and now I am furious.

I met Jeff a year after his divorce from this woman had been finalized, yet she always treated me like I was the "other woman". Ironically, she had left HIM for another man...which is why they divorced.

Anytime she could create drama, she did. He even had to have her removed from his house by the police one day when she barged in on us and insisted that they needed to talk.

When Jeff was diagnosed with cancer, we had been engaged for almost a year. We decided to not waste another second and got married right away. She had the nerve to call Jeff the night before our wedding to ask him if he was sure he knew what he was doing....did he really know me well enough to trust me. Our love was an unconditional, unselfish, never ending love....one you don't find everyday, and she tried to reduce it to me wanting to have rights to all his "stuff" if anything should happen to him. She was afraid that by marrying me, she wouldnt get anything. My intentions were pure - I wanted nothing more than to marry my soulmate and spend as much time with him as possible. I wanted to wake up and fall asleep next to him, and I wanted to be able to take care of him during his battle with cancer. How dare she question my intentions? How dare she question MY motives. How dare she try to be friends with me now when all she could do when Jeff was alive was to cause grief for us??

I am also now dealing with stuff with my step daughters that I hadn't imagined I would be dealing with. Their Mom has convinced them that although they had continued staying here every other weekend since Dad died.....that "our" house holds too many painful memories and they shouldn't stay here anymore. When Jeff and I got married we finished my basement so that all four of our girls would have their own rooms. They would each have their own space and would feel like this was home. I have tried so hard to continue to make this "home" for them....but now that Dad is gone, I have no control over anything. I have no rights when it comes to them.....I am just the step mom. Without Jeff being here, it really doesn't mean anything. Just when I thought my heart was broken beyond repair, it's broken into more pieces.

Jeff was always my rock, he was my stress relief when any "ex" situations came up. Without him here I am at a loss as to what to do? I don't want to lose my relationship with his girls.....but how do I handle the situation with his ex without it interfering with my relationship with his girls??

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Tammy

Hi Melina,

I wish I could reach out to give you a hug right now - I too have had my days where the pain is so unbearable that I can't breath. What gets me through these times is when I look back over the last 3 months.....and realize how far I have really gotten. When my husband Jeff died I thought for sure that I would not survive a day without him. Today, I have survived 77 days without him. They have not been easy, a lot of them have been really, really hard. BUT, I survived them.

I never thought I would smile again.....and yet I have smiled. I never thought I would laugh again.....but I have laughed.

I never thought I'd be able to look at pictures of him without crying.....but I have surprised myself by doing that as well.

What I am trying to say is that right this second it is more unbearable than you can imagine ever surviving. But somehow we will survive this. Allow yourself to sob when you need to - it's your body's way of releasing all the pent up stress of grieving. It's hard to fathom how something that is so painful can actually be good for you, but I've been told that crying is a good thing. When I first heard that I remember thinking that "wow, I should be healed by now then?!"

Just know that you are not alone in this - we are always here to lend an ear and some words of encouragement. It may not be much, but they are heartfelt!

Hugs,

Tammy

Hi there,

I lost my husband 2 1/2 months ago.....and our first anniversary is coming up in a couple of weeks. Personally, I would love to honor the day by spending it with my children. It would mean the world to me to have someone acknowledge the day, acknowledge what a wonderful relationship we had and to acknowledge that as hard as I try to make it a happy day, it will probably be one filled with so many emotions.

Like you said, everyone grieves in their own way.....maybe you should ask your Mom outright what her wishes for the day are. I think one of the absolute worst feelings in the world when you are grieving such a devastating loss is to think that no one else cares, so if nothing else give her a call and tell her that you are thinking of her on that extra special day.

Tammy

Hi Bill,

I am interested to know about how you make that connection?

Tammy

I also think that you should try to forgive. I found the following in an article I read a while back:

Generally, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you may always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life.

Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.

I had found this after my husband Jeff and I had a discussion about forgiveness. His first wife had cheated on him....and then ultimately left him and his girls for this other man. Shortly after Jeff and I had gotten engaged, he forgave her. I couldn't understand how he could ever forgive her....and he pretty much told me what I later found in the above article. Jeff didn't forgive her because he excused her behavior. He forgave her for his own mental wellbeing - he told me that hating her, not forgiving her would only take up energy that he could otherwise devote to OUR relationship. That's when the lightbulb went off for me. I understood where he was coming from - hating her was a waste of energy. By eliminating the hate, he was able to make space for so many more positive things.

I hope in your case you are able to let this go.....and find something positive to grasp onto during this very difficult time in your life.

Hugs,

Tammy

I'm not sure how I missed this post originally....maybe I hadn't been on in a couple of days when it was posted??

Anyway, I LOVE the idea of trying to find something positive in every day....and being able to share it with everyone.

My positive for the day is that I finally got motivated to go through the stacks of mail that had been piling up on the kitchen table and the coffee table since Jeff died. It feels good to be somewhat organized and on top of things, I haven't felt like that in a while!

I like the way you think Jennalee. I hope you (and everyone else here) is able to find at least one positive thing to focus on every day.

Tammy

Hi Melina,

I can tell you that these online sites can be like a double edged sword. On one hand it gives us someone to relate to, who knows what we are going to.....but I agree that sometimes it can bring you down even more reading some of the posts when you may already be down.

I know that I have stopped myself a couple of times from posting something positive, only because I feel like I don't want to rub it in people's faces when I am feeling good and they are not.

I still have my days, but after 10 weeks I find myself being able to laugh again. I will share a story that might have people completely appalled (I was at first) but if I didn't find the humor I'd still be crying.

Right after Jeff died I purchased 5 glass heart pendants to hold some of Jeff's ashes, one for me and each of our girls. There was just something about having him close to our hearts that seemed really important.

Well, Sunday I was helping my daughter do laundry. When I went to set down the laundry basket I was carrying my necklace hung forward and I noticed that the glass pendant was gone, but the little screw top clasp was still attached to the chain. I shouted for the girls to drop everything and help me find it. We searched high and low....looked in my car, the front yard, upstairs, everyplace I had been. It suddenly dawned on me that I had been in the basement too, so I ran down there. I looked around everywhere but couldn't find it - then my eyes focused on the dryer. There's no way it could have ended up in there. I opened the door and sure enough, it was sitting right at the bottom underneath a load of jeans.....and the ashes were gone.

I sat down right in front of the dryer and burst out sobbing. I don't know if I was more upset that I wouldn't have the pendant to wear anymore, or if I was more horrified that he had gone through the dryer with the laundry. After crying for a few minutes an image came to me - of Jeff walking up behind me barely able to control his laughter.....telling me "don't cry over spilled ashes"!

I had to laugh. Jeff would have found humor in it....after all, it's not like I did it on purpose, and it's not like I could do anything about it now?!

As traumatic as it was at first, it was a reminder to me (from Jeff maybe?!) not to take life too seriously. Even throughout the 9 months of his battle with cancer Jeff and I found a reason every day to laugh. I look for that now, I try to surround myself with happy positive people.....and on days that I'm alone and I'm looking for a laugh I will turn on something like America's Funniest Home videos. I inevitably feel better after a good belly laugh.

Don't get me wrong, I have my days where laughing is the last thing I want to do - but it feels great to "allow" myself to laugh on the good days!

Tammy

Hi Melina,

You and I have so many similarities that it is scary! I too have been wishing every day to have dreams about Jeff. Every night before I go to bed I stare at his picture, I tell him I love him and I beg him to visit me in my dreams. I have only had one dream - I dreamt I went to my high school reunion and a man walked in beside me. When I turned to the side to look at him he was wearing Jeff's shirt. I looked and thought I could see Jeff's hands. I went to the bar to get us drinks and when I turned back to the table I couldn't find him. There was a man sitting at our table, but his face was blurred.....I couldn't see his face. The dream ended and I was so upset - I just want to see Jeff's face, to hear his voice.

My girls have all had dreams about him, I mentioned to my 15 year old that I was upset that I hadn't had a dream where I can see him.....and her words of wisdom? Maybe that's your body's way of protecting you Mom. Maybe you're not ready for him to visit you yet?

So that's what my hope is - that someday when I am ready, Jeff will come to me. Until then I have to make do with my memories and thoughts that I have while I'm awake.

Tammy

Happy Birthday Deborah,

I too wonder how I will get through my next birthday - I will be turning 40 and Jeff had promised to throw me a big party. Now I'd just like to skip the day altogether?!

I hope that maybe you can find some special birthday memories to think about - and that they bring a smile to your face today.

Tammy