Thank you everyone!! I am so sorry for all your lost loved ones too. I agree about this being easier than going to a group. I have been thinking about going to one but I just start crying whenever I try to talk about Ray and my pain and confusion and at least I can type (I think) through my tears. I keep waiting to hear the words from someone that will make this all better, but there aren't any. I have a friend who lost her husband and she says that there is no magic words. It will hurt for a long time and it won't be easy and it will be so different. I can't see a future, I can barely think about tomorrow. My friend had children that needed her and that kept her going, but my children are grown and live in other states. When Ray retired we moved to Arizona and we have no family here. I do have wonderful friends. But after a while I feel like they are getting "bored" with my grief and don't understand. So I fake being "ok". Also, I don't want anything to be different!!! I want everything to remain the same. I want the world to just STOP! I had no idea how much we were a team, a couple, whatever. Every
little thing was with Ray. It's the little things that are so difficult. Not hearing the spoon in the coffee cup when he put in sugar. The TV on the western channel. Reading "Pickles" in the comic strip everyday. Watching the golf tournaments and now opening of football season. These things are endless and it's like a stab to my heart everytime I remember. I am starting to remember more of the past now, but so many of the memories so far have been about the day of the stroke, the ER and those things. Should I have done this or that, should the Drs., you know, all those things you really did right but wonder "if".... Anyway, thank you all for responding and please know how much I appreciate knowing that there are others who are going on this journey too. I hope this gets better some day, but I'm sure can't see that far ahead. Lindakay, your words struck a particular cord with me, I never thought of writing to him, but I have thought of cooking things he didn't like, if I ever get around to cooking again. I will check back here often, you guys have made my day a little better.