Is anger part of this whole miserable process? I feel like I'm so mad I could scream, and I don't even know what the heck I'm mad about. My mom died after being sick for only 3 weeks. I took her into the hospital in the morning by ambulance with pneumonia and by midnight that night she was on a respirator and I never spoke to her again. Every day we lived with the hope that the medicine would finally kick in and she would get better, how could she not? I sat there every day, all day, hoping and praying that this would be day she would start to get better, how could she not? I fought for her every day, making sure she was getting the best care possible and they were doing everything they could. Finally, I came to the conclusion she wasn't going to get better, she was fighting so hard to stay with us, it wasn't fair to her. On that last day I whispered in her ear that she needed go, she needed to do the one selfish thing in her life and that was to leave us here and go to a better place. I thanked her for being the best mother and for showing me how to be the best mother to my kids, I told her I am the mother I am because of her. We stopped life support that night and she died within minutes, my hand on her forehead. I honestly feel like I had post traumatic stress during those three weeks and such anxiety in the months following. I felt like a soldier in the jungle waiting for someone to ambush me, waiting for the shoe to drop and for them to tell us it was hopeless or that she had passed. Now I feel more sad and angry than I ever had. I feel like I'm in a paper bag punching my way out, but I don't know what I'm mad about. Certainly not the hospital, doctors or nurses, not family members or myself or my mom. I don't know what to do with it because I don't even know what it is.
Just had to vent, it's seems the only place I can.
Christine