I don't understand why I am feeling the way I am. I lost my grandfather on December 14, 2010 to end stage renal failure and CHF. He married my grandmother when I was 6 and has taken care of me ever since. He was my rock. I loved him dearly and miss him more and more with every passing day. I don't know what to do or where to turn. He was 86 at the time of his death and I cherish the final days we spent together. He was placed with Hospice during the last couple weeks before his death. I brought him home with me when it became to hard for my grandmother to take care of him. I refused to let him be placed in the hospice house. Only because I knew how important it was for him to be with family. My husband and kids were wonderful. The day he passed still haunts me. The hardest thing for me was having to watch him go from being extremely independant to totally dependent and delusional. It was so hard! My heart just breaks remembering those final days. None of my family (my aunts and uncles from my grandmothers first marriage) stepped up to help. One of my aunts is unemployed, no kids at home, and lived in my grandmothers old house, 5 miles down the road from them, rent free. She could have atleast helped. They felt like grandma should hire someone to take care of him. They rarely visited him before he got sick. He was always good to them and never thought harshly of them for not seeing their momma often. Papa's son was stationed halfway across the country and tried to be there emotionally. It killed him not making it before he passed. He was in route (1 hour away) the morning he passed. Anyway, the time after his death was a blur for me. It seemed like everyone expected/demanded I take over funeral arrangements on grandmas behalf. Looking back I really don't think I was able to go through the grieving process because I was trying to be strong for my grandmother. Now she's the one who looks like she dealing GREAT! While I am breaking down at the oddest of times. I'm lashing out at my husband and children. Just out of the blue I will break down and cry. Today has been awful. I miss our weekly chats. He would always call me by the end of the week if I haven't called first. He would say "I haven't heard from my baby this week. I just wanted to make sure you had a good week." I MISS THAT! He was the one person I knew I could depend on no matter what. I am also dealing with a lot of anger towards my mom, aunts, and uncles. Now they are all coming around to see grandma and she is just enjoying every minute of. Its like she doesn't remember the last 26 years of how they treated her. They remind me of vulchers swarming over a freshly dead carcass! I hate feeling this way but My grandfather was a good man. I hate knowing that now they will come. My mom didn't even come to the funeral. She said her car was broke. I tried calling her 4 times the day of the setting up to let her know I would go and get her but she ignored my call. I can't even go around my grandmother right now. It just hurts too much. I hate feeling this way. This isn't me. I feel like my husband doesn't understand. I'm totally lost!