eddie Dombroski

My sister was a beautiful mother, and best friend to me all of my life. After a 4 year battle with breast cancer, it finally got the best of her and she passed on 1-13-11. I have not been right since. I am overwhelmed at times. I was there at the end, at my parents house, helping take care of her. I cant shake the visuals of those last days, watching her slip away. The morphine, the moaning, the shell of her once beautiful self. I watched my mother and father age 20 years seemingly overnight. I cant sleep. I have nightmares, wake up crying, calling for her to stay...etc. Tomorrow she would have been 42 years old, and i just know its going to be one crappy day for my whole family. The past few weeks i have found myself drinking more and more. It got pretty bad when i got drunk at a restaurant with my mom and dad and their friends, and started balling at the table in a full restaurant. I am old enough to know alcohol is not the answer and have stopped my destructive behavior...I know my sis wouldn't want that for me. You see, she was the most understanding, loving person i have ever met. Holding her hand the moment she died was and is so surreal. How can i get past this pain? I cant even talk to my parents on any level because they are dealing with their own grief. I sit staring at pictures of us as kids, wondering how the hell this happened, and how i will ever get over this feeling of emptiness. Her son, my nephew, is such a great kid and when he tells me how much he misses his mother, I can barely contain myself. I just want her back and STILL cant wrap my head around the fact that i will never be able to put my arms around her, or hear her contagious laugh...its like i am living in a nightmare. I feel like no one understands my pain...including my fiance (who was there with me at the end). I know everyone means well, but its like someone reached in and ripped my heart out of my chest. I am told I have to be strong for my parents, but I cant even handle my own grief. The day of her wake I found out that I am going to be a daddy. What should be the BEST news of my life is now shadowed by the fact that my sister will never be able to see my child, like I saw her son...and its so freaking hard knowing that. I want my fiance to know that i am excited and so happy about having a child on the way, but I am suffering so much pain, i feel unable to express any joy what so ever. I have questioned my faith, my strength, and life in general as of late, and i just want somehow to get over the hump, and start healing. I really feel helpless and cant understand "gods plan" or "everything for a reason" statements made by people who are "trying to help". I JUST WANT TRACY BACK. OK im upset now.....does anyone have any advice for me?? I'm losing it.

Cali3, First off i want to express my deepest sympathy for you loss. Like you i recently lost my sister (1-13-11) she was 41. We were extremely close and she had battled breast cancer for the better part of 4 years. The cancer spread to her bones, then to her liver. The end days were the hardest, the pain she endured, watching her slowly slip away, etc. She finally passed away while holding my hand and my Fathers hand. Many people have said, "what a blessing, that you were there in the end, etc etc." Well to be honest, it's a mixed bag. I have had a very hard time with the imagery, and I wake up in cold sweats, crying, and STILL cant believe she is gone. She left her 10 year old son, a husband, and both my parents behind, and we are all DEVASTATED. There are no words that can describe the emptiness i feel right now. Just looking at a picture reduces me to a sobbing mess. People mean well, but I agree, the loss of a 90 year old grandparent can not even be considered remotely close to this. My girl has recommended counseling for me, but I just have not been able to take that step yet, so finding this forum may be the actual first step in my healing process. What hurts the most is I found out that i was going to be a father on the day of her wake. My sister had always wanted me to settle down and start a family. Now, i have not been able to embrace the joy that I would normally be feeling. She will never be there like I was when her son was born, and i just cant wrap my head around that reality. March 1st (2morr) would have been her 42nd birthday , I am preparing for the WHOLLLLE year of firsts without her, and quite frankly, I am not ready. I dont know if i ever will be the same, i just hope in time i can find some kind of peace with it. My father breaks down every time I see him, and its like we are all living in some horrible nightmare we cant wake from. He too has been having trouble sleeping, just cant shake the visions of giving her morphine for pain, and watching her slip away from us. The one thing that i can say is im glad she was home and not in some crummy hospital. However every time i go to my parents house, Its hard to sit in the room where she passed without that feeling of dread. Well i guess i have kind of rambled on here, but i want you to know that you are not alone, and hopefully things will get better for both of us soon. I wish you all the best and may the memories of our sisters be ones of love and happiness.