Syl

Dear Tammy, You are not crazy. Having no memory and being forgetful are a very common symtoms of grief. It has been 6 months since my husband died very suddenly. I am so forgetful and have no memory of past happenings that it does scare me. I spend a lot of time in my car and I become engrossed in my thoughts and have no memory of driving and often times find myself at places that I had no intention of going to. Last night I was driving home and I drove right through a stop sign. Thank goodness no one was coming as it is normally a busy intersection. I have widow friend who told me that she didn't drive for 2 months after her husband died because she couldn't focus. Tammy, I am so sorry for your loss. Syl

WHERE IS GOD? Ten years ago my husband, Carl, of 38 years called me from work to tell me that he had just coughed up some blood. Life was good. Our 3 children were grown. We had 8 grand children. We were traveling, and had just bought a beautiful vacation home on Cape Cod. Carl was diagnosed with lung cancer. He had surgery to remove the tumor. He came through the surgery beautifully but 12 hours later he had a massive cardiac arrest. He lived for 16 days and I had to make the decision to remove him from the ventilator. We were married for 38 years. We had a good marriage. Carl was all I knew. I was devastated. It was the worse time of my life. I never wanted to go through something like that again. It took me a long time to begin to live again. 2 and ½ years later I met a wonderful man, Patrick. He had also lost his wife of 35 years two years before. We dated for over 4 years. We fell in love and got married with both our families present. Life was good again. Patrick and I were happy and having fun. Every morning I thanked God for the gift of Patrick. I always thought of Patrick as God’s gift to me after losing Carl. Patrick and I were traveling all over the world and enjoying our 13 grand children. Last October we were snorkeling in Mexico when Patrick suddenly began to struggle. Within seconds Patrick died in my arms. Here I was going through that nightmare again. My grief became all mixed up. I was grieving the loss of two men. My faith in God was shaken. I began to doubt His very existence. One day I was walking the beach. I collect sea glass so I am always looking for it. This day I was crying out to Patrick that I never even had a chance to say “Good bye” to him and I wanted to see his blue eyes one more time. I had just turned around to walk back to my car when I saw a big piece of cobalt blue sea glass. It was still wet as the incoming tide has just dropped it at my feet. I run a couple times a week and always go the same route. One day before Christmas I was running and one of my favorite gloves fell out of my pocket. I discovered it lost and did the route again looking for it. Every time I ran I looked for the glove but I never found it. One day in April I was running my route and I was shouting at God. I had raised my face and hands to the heavens and yelled “God, where are you in all this sorrow and pain?” As I looked up the street I saw what I thought was a dead squirrel and crossed to the other side of the road. As I was passing I looked and saw my glove lying in the middle of the road. I knew it was my glove as it was watch plaid green. I had run this route at least 50 times since I had lost that glove. It looked like it had been dropped right down from heaven. I started to cry and realized that God was showing me that He was with me. I now have the glove which is dirty and torn sitting on my dash board and I think of it as my co-pilot. I have come to realize that God cannot take my pain and sorrow away but He is with me through it all. I was trying to make sense out of something that made no sense. Grief had clouded my vision and had kept me from seeing God’s comfort and hope. Thank you all for allowing me to share this and thank you for sharing your stories with me. It helps to know that there are others who understand.

How does one get through the weekends? I hate them. I hated them when my first husband died but I was working and volunteered to work every weekend. I am retired now and really don't want to go back to work but it is much more lonely on the weekends. The phone does not ring. Everyone is busy with their spouses. All my friends are married. I learned that no one wants a single woman around at a saturday night dinner. I am shy and do not find it easy to make new friends. When I do meet new people, I do not like answering all the questions about the deaths of my 2 husbands as I am afraid of losing control in an unsafe environment. Not so long ago I was invited to a woman's house for a cocktail party. I didn't know anyone there and when I was asked about my marital status I said "I am not married." It seems now that I send about 95% of the time alone and I know that is not healthy but what is one to do? Thank you again for letting me get these thoughts out. It does help. God bless you all, Syl

Oh Melina, One thing I have learned having gone through this grief thing twice is DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU. Youi have to take care of your self. I find it easier to write then to tell people what I need. Right now I am writing a "Grief Letter" to friends and family explaining to them as gently as I can what I need from them. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. Syl

I was happliy married for 38 years to my husband. He had been in good health. We had just bought a beautiful vacation home when he was diagnosed with cancer and in 6 weeks he was dead. I was devastated and it took me a long time to recover. At first I worked 80 hours a week and stuffed the grief down. After 2 years I finally sought help from a support group and a grief counselor. 3 years after he died I met a wonderful man who had also lost his wife to cancer. We dated for a long time and after 5 years we married. We were very happy and having fun. We were traveling a lot and last October while we were snorkling in Mexico, he died in my arms. I can still feel life leaving his body. We were only married 2 1/2 years. I am not sure I can get over this a second time. The first time was the worst thing I have ever gone through and here I am going through it again only now I have nightmares of the way he died. I am seeing the same grief counselor and in a support group but I am finding most people do not know what to say to me so they avoid me. Thank you for listening to me.