Salley

Stacyines, I am currently reading Joyce Carol Oates recent book, A Widow's Story, and am finding it quite comforting and very easy to relate to. She covers her battle with suicidal thoughts and hallucinations. The book is of her account of the first year of life following her husbands unexpected death. I am finding this book very helpful in my work with grief.

This is very interesting, thank you for posting it.

I had come to believe that life was not fair...I will have to rethink that one..

Dwayne, I am so happy for you for your progress since Pauline died. You will excel at nursing school. I too went back to school at a late age to get an associates degree in dietetics. You and I had the same attitude, to learn everything, just not what was being assigned. Kids don't get the learning the "middle" part. Us oldsters have a different approach to learn the total package, not just what will be on the tests. Good luck to you in your studies. You are an inspiration to us all!

Beth

I have always loved Christmas music and have played it daily during the holiday seasons. For the first time this season, I just put on a CD of Christmas music that Rich had bought for me, and immediately started sobbing and wailing. I had to turn if off. Wow, now I am exhausted and it is only 9:00 am.

I got through Thansgiving okay, mainly because of two things. A dear cousin flew in to spend Monday through Saturday with me. And I hosted a singles lunch for 4 of us the day before Thanksgiving. Three of us are recent widows and widowers. I hope to continue these singles lunches. Entertaining at home was our main form of fun, and this was the first entertaining I have done since Rich died in May.

I was surprised how I broke down when I put the Christmas music on. I am still a little shakey from it. I hope to drive the 8 hours to Nashville to spend Christmas with Rich's mother. Boy, this doesn't get any easier, does it?

Dear Stacyines,

I am always astonished at how well you are doing, considering what you have been through. You are an inspiration to me.

At 6 months after the death of my husband, my biggest issue is the inability to fall asleep. I have a strong history of depression in my family but have never felt that I had any type of depression. But last week my doctor put me on an anti-depressant that has a strong side effect of sleepiness. Right now I am on 1/2 doses of the old and new "sleeper" med and sure hope I feel better soon .

I have only had one dream that had my husband in it and it was 4 months after he had died. It had been a very restless night for me that night. In the dream he was sitting down and I put my arm around his shoulders and they felt normal, not boney. When he stood up to hug me, he was not physically there. The rest of the dream was me helping him do some things, he had stomach cancer and we both knew he was dead and had come back. The last scene had him with a suit case.

Congradulations on the puppy and the film!!

Welcome blw321!

I feel exactly the way you do.

Beth

Becky,

I don't remember if I told this group about Rich's 60th birthday, which occurred August 22, three months after he died. I ended up driving 8 hours to stay with Rich's brother and his mother. His brother pleaded with me to stay with him because his mother was so crazy with grief. Now, this brother has chosen not to deal with Rich's death, he told me this. He is a doctor, lecturer, inventor, writer, VA doc, etc. and has buried himself in his work. I spent the first night with this brother. But when I got to his Mothers house, I knew I was in the right place. Poor Ruth had no one to talk to about her son's death. We had the most healing time together I could imagine. We spent a lot of time talking about Rich, about our respective marriages, it was quite enlightening!

I had worried about the long drive, but I got a GPS and it helped a lot. I had worried a lot about his birthday. It went much better than I anticipated. I hope yours does too.

Beth

Dear Becky,

Thank you for making the effort to write your beautiful post. I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

I am at almost 6 months from my spouse's death, and his 60th birthday occurred at 3 months. And I too am not looking forward to the holidays. A dear cousin is coming here for Thanksgiving and I will probably go to my mother-in-laws for Christmas.

I don't read here much lately because it breaks my heart to read the various posts and I felt like I didn't need any more sorrow. But I just checked in and saw your post.

I have been able to read. I just read Joan Didions' "The Year of Magical Thinking" which was about her first year of life after her husband died unexpectedly.

I spend most of my time in the exact area of the house that my husband died. It is the family room/office area. I have already set up the Christmas tree because I love to look at the lights. I just realized the tree is exactly where he died.

I also just remembered that I had resolved to be mindfully grateful every day, but I have forgotten that goal. My fog has not lifted yet, but I do find myself cheerful, productive, laughing, being around friends a lot, but my mind is still not firing on all cylinders. And I cry at least once a day. Today I cried several times because I drove to the orchard for apples, something we always did together.

Beth

Dear Stacyines,

I am so sorry this has happened to you. This is too much to deal with on your own. I am only dealing with the garden variety losing a spouse through death and almost had a nervous breakdown, sought professional help, been to three different grief support groups and have amassed a pile of books to read this winter. You have been through a much more traumatic event than what is normal. It will take years to work your way through this trauma and I strongly suggest you start talking with someone who knows how to help you. People who say to be strong don't know what they are talking about, avoid them please.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Beth

Becky, I am so happy for you. I believe this is truely a sign from Randy. It appears that we must just wait and be open to these signs.

I have not felt Rich's presence, nor have I seen a sign from him yet. I figure there must be a reason that I can not sense him. It used to concern me but it doesn't at this point. I am just waiting.

I am very happy for you and to have a little dog too!

Beth

Well, I am still really enjoying holding Rich's ashes. And I have good news on the Mother-in-Law front. She lost her best friend and neighbor several months ago and this friend was cremated and in an urn at the house her friend shared with her daughter, up until the daughter moved away last month. Ruth said she found herself going to the daughters house frequently just to be with her friends ashes. In our last phone conversation, she brought up the fact that she had not yet followed up on having Rich's ashes buried with Rich's father in Tennessee. I acknowledged that Rich's ashes had arrived and that I was very happy to have them around the house to hold. Ruth said she totally understood, because she also found comfort being close to Sylvia's ashes, and that if I wanted, I should keep Rich's ashes with me forever, or as long as I wanted.

Thanks Marty, for the links. The only thing so far I have decided to buy is a necklace/pendant to hold some ashes that I can wear all the time.

Beth

Thank you all for your comments. I am just trying to understand the "etiquette" of handling our loved ones ashes. I didn't have a good role model in my Mother in the way she handled my fathers' ashes. I am already looking into buying the small keepsake urn to keep with me where ever I go. And there is an odd story there. I buy and sell on eBay and always check eBay first when I want to buy something. There is a woman there who has a very compassionate store where the only thing she sells are cremation urns, large and small. She herself is a recent widow and understands grief. But she is selling from the little tiny town in Iowa where I have 14 ancestors buried and my father was born. I have considered moving to this town to do research, and here she pops up on eBay selling some lovely, inexpensive urns. I don't think I will buy the large urn, just the small one to pack around.

And another issue has cropped up. Rich's mother wants his ashes buried in Tennessee in her husbands/Rich's fathers grave. I am certain Rich would not want that. I am certain Rich would be happy being spread on our hayfields and the goat pasture. Rich's mom never did approve of us raising goats. So right now I am telling her that I want to keep his ashes with me.

Curley, I am working very hard to completely embrace this grief, to learn all I can about myself, and expect great personal growth from this experience. So far, there has been only pain and sadness. I did not expect the comfort and almost joy I have gotten from holding his ashes. Rich and I were huggers. If I stand and wrap my arms around the box of ashes, I can imagine we are hugging each other. And I am sorry to learn of your six month anniversay yesterday.

Beth

Thank you Mary for your advice. His ashes are sitting here with me right now. I also have a lock of his hair from what turned out to be his last haircut. Just checking to see if I am too far afield.

Beth

Rich donated his body to the local medical college and I was told they would use his body as a cadaver for one to three years. Well, the university called last week and said Rich was on his way to me. They arrived today. I thought I would be sad. Actually a friend was here for lunch and was still here when the ashes arrived so I don't know how I would have reacted if I had been alone. I am strangly comforted by having the box of ashes. I am carrying them around with me. Last week I was really upset, because I was not expecting them so soon, and I realized that Rich and I had not talked of what he wanted me to do with his ashes. What to do with his ashes is not so much a worry to me right now. But what is this carrying around of his ashes all about? Should I just put them down? Is it alright to carry them around?

Beth

Dear Schnibley,

You have found a great place to discuss your feelings. It is good you have recognized your needs. Hospice provides a wonderful, free, grief support group. Although in my rural area, they are only offered twice a year . It is hard work to go through the grief process. I am actively working on the grief process because I have to get out of this mindset. I need to understand who I am and what I am supposed to do with my future. Please don't hesitate to post any questions you have, and how you are doing.

Beth

melina, I am sending a huge hug from Ohio to you. I hope you regain your confidence soon.

I too try to look at women who have been left with far more responsibilities, or who have lost far more than I have. But I still wallow in self-pity at times. As recently as a few days ago.

I don't like the responsibility of home ownership. I now am responsible for two houses; I own a tiny house on my farm that we have used as a rental house since 1989. I don't want to be a landlord!

I am very proud of you for attempting to paint your house. I absolutely could not paint my house, it is 3 stories high.

Sending hugs and comforting thoughts your way.....Beth

Marty, I REALLY appreciate this link, thank you for running across it and posting it. I am presently composing a list of books to read this winter and have added Ms. Greenspans; Healing Through the Dark Emotions..... to my list.

Beth

I am so sorry Pam. I hope you feel the love all of us have for each other on this board.

I have cried so much that my eyes have hurt. I make sure that I drink plenty of water to replace what is lost through tears.

I hope you feel better soon.

Beth

Yes, I definitely feel like I am in limbo, don't really know what to do or what will happen. Rich died in May, so I guess I am coming up on 4 months since his death. I try to get out everyday, even if it is just over to the garden. Which I just did and discovered a deer is going in and is munching big time on the sweet potato tops. So I spent some time trying to figure out where the electric fence is grounded out, it hasn't been working for a few weeks now. The short is underground, so I tried running a wire about 4 feet above ground, straight to the garden, and it works. But I will have to take it down everytime I want to mow, like in 15 minutes.

Had a major setback yesterday. Rich had his body donated to the local medical college and the literature said they would use his body as a cadaver for 1 to 3 years. Well, they called yesterday and said his ashes were ready . I wasn't prepared for that. It made me realize that Rich and I never discussed what to do with his ashes. This is just contributing to my overall sadness.

I am behind in the mowing because we have had so much rain for so long related to the TS Lee from the gulf of mexico. The sun is shining right now, it's been a long time since we have seen the sun here. At mid afternoon, the grass is still wet, but I must get some mowing done before it starts to rain again.

Rich used to take care of the electric fences, we used to have 5 acres fenced in for pasture, but now only have the garden fenced. I don't know what to do for a permanent fix, a new problem I really don't want to think about. But if I want to garden, and I really do, I have to have the fence working. I guess I should think of this as a distraction!!

Hugs to everyone..

What I learned this past weekend is that I can do some impossible things. Things I would not have thought possible to do on my own.

1) Make a 10 hour drive over the mountains, alone. Help my youngest son move into a dorm. Then two days later, drive the same route back again.

My youngest started college August 15th in a city on the other side of the country. He's been sleeping on the couch in the small apartment of my eldest son and daughter-in-law. I had to bring his things over - and that meant a drive over the mountains of Norway plus two ferry boat rides. If anyone has seen photos of the mountainous areas in this country, you'll know they are no laughing matter. Steep climbs and steep drops.

2) I can manage an empty nest - even without my husband. It's not fun, there have been many tears, but I'm managing.

Melina

Melina, I've been to Norway! There is a good reason hydroelectric power is so much in use in Norway with those mountains! I too, made a similar though much smaller accomplishment. Last week I drove 8 hours on flat pavement to see my mother-in-law. I was really nervous about being able to concentrate that long, but three hours into the drive I started to feel like I could do it. It really boosted my confidence to be able to make the drive.

I am so proud of you!

I have kept the papers that Rich and I wrote on the last months of his life, that kept track of when and how much he took of what medicine, how much he was eating so I could calculate how many calories he was taking in. He used to weigh himself every day but stopped that when his weight got down to 100#.

Today I picked up the piece of paper that had his food intakes for the last few days before he stopped eating. I knew what was written on that paper, I knew it said April 26 (0) which was the day he stopped eating, but I picked it up anyway, read it, and have been sobbing for the past 2 1/2 hours. I did this to my self. The last bad day I had, about two weeks ago, I did it to my self too. I looked at a photo I had taken of Rich and his best friend, about 5 days before he died. When I took the photo I thought it would be a touching photograph. It is dreadful. Rich was so thin, maybe 85 pounds, and had lost his mind by then. I couldn't believe I had taken a picture of Rich when he looked so bad. At the time I could not see how bad he looked.

So I have these papers, and this photo, and they just tear me up to look at them. Maybe a clear headed person would say, why don't you just throw these papers away? Can I really throw them away? I don't understand why I am keeping them because they obviously cause me stress when I read them. What I think I really want to do is to burn them. Will I later regret it if I dispose of these papers? The photograph is on my computer so I would have to delete it. I really don't know if I should delete any photograph of Rich, no matter how bad he looks.

What would you do?

Beth

I just read a post by Becky, ksbeachbum, that eloquently crystallized a vague notion of a regret I have had. That of not, in my case, meeting my husbands emotional needs during the last months of his life. I was his caregiver for 18 months and 13 months into that role, I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. I sought counseling and it helped with my issues, but I never once thought of my husbands emotional needs. After he died I attended grief support groups, and we were asked to consider our regrets. I knew I had regrets of several topics I wish I had discussed with him. I too wish I had held him more, talked to him more. I understood he was dying but I just didn't get that he would soon be gone and that he wasn't coming back. I understand we can't beat ourselves up about our regrets. But I am grateful to have read Becky's post and have a clearer understanding of this regret.

Even though I sob every time I come here to read, I generally find comfort and insights that will help me in the long run.

Beth

Thank you Cheryl for your post. I am thinking of you today and of what you have been through. What an inspiration you are, to keep on going. I've got a long way to go, just barely three months into this grief.

Beth

This will be what my husband learned...to follow your bliss, and don't wait too long. His bliss was riding a motorcycle. He had all kinds of rationalizations why he couldn't buy a motorcycle. He waited until three years before he died. His goal was to ride cross country to San Fransicso. He never made that ride.

I am using this wisdom to help me find what I may do with the rest of my life. Can't say I have made any progress, but it is a lovely thought.

Thanks Dave and Mary..

Our 35th wedding anniversary would have been August 20th and Rich's birthday is August 22nd. I find it quite odd that I am not concerned about our wedding anniversary, we always made a point of doing something fun on that day. But I am really torn up over his birthday. And thinking about his Mom. She is 84 and not dealing well with her sons death. Her attitude has improved remarkably since she knows I am coming to visit and that makes me feel good. I am also visiting Rich's brother who was very close to Rich and was a big help to us throughout Rich's illness. He is a doctor and called often and visited a lot, especially at the end when Rich was no longer mobile.

Mary, I have read the thread, What I have learned and all the links posted in that thread. It is a great topic. Has there been a thread started on how to go about re-creating ourselves as a single person? I haven't even begun to think about that, mainly because I do not know where to start. I am 60 years old and could live another 20 to 30 years. I feel so lost, not knowing how to think about my future. It has only been three months since Rich died and I am blessed to have the means to take my time to figure all this out. I have a beautiful place to read and think, but I never imagined I would be here alone. We had the next 10 years planned.

Beth