Salley

Thanks Dave and Mary.. Our 35th wedding anniversary would have been August 20th and Rich's birthday is August 22nd. I find it quite odd that I am not concerned about our wedding anniversary, we always made a point of doing something fun on that day. But I am really torn up over his birthday. And thinking about his Mom. She is 84 and not dealing well with her sons death. Her attitude has improved remarkably since she knows I am coming to visit and that makes me feel good. I am also visiting Rich's brother who was very close to Rich and was a big help to us throughout Rich's illness. He is a doctor and called often and visited a lot, especially at the end when Rich was no longer mobile. Mary, I have read the thread, What I have learned and all the links posted in that thread. It is a great topic. Has there been a thread started on how to go about re-creating ourselves as a single person? I haven't even begun to think about that, mainly because I do not know where to start. I am 60 years old and could live another 20 to 30 years. I feel so lost, not knowing how to think about my future. It has only been three months since Rich died and I am blessed to have the means to take my time to figure all this out. I have a beautiful place to read and think, but I never imagined I would be here alone. We had the next 10 years planned. Beth

On October 7, 2009, we learned my husband had stomach cancer. He was seen at two university cancer hospitals and both prognoses were grim. He entered Hospice in November 2009. I cared for him at home while he devoted his life to making my life easier after he died. He upgraded all facets of the house and barn, sold a lot of his toys, taught me accounting on the computer and relented to taking two short trips with me. He died May 19, 2011. In December 2010 I felt I was having a nervous breakdown and sought help. I learned I had anticipatory grief and started to learn about this grief process. Soon after Rich's death, I dove head long into learning about grieving, in hopes of getting this over as soon as possible, LOL. If it were only that easy! I have now completed a Hospice based grief support group that lasted 6 weeks, and felt I suffered another loss after that program ended. I have read four books on grieving that have helped. At last I was able to concentrate enough to read a book!! The four books were "Getting to the Other Side of Grief", "This Thing called Grief", "On Grief and Grieving" by Kubler-Ross, and "A Complete Guide for the Bereaved, The Mourning Handbook" by Helen Fitzgerald. Okay, so now I know all the stuff I am supposed to be doing, but I am having trouble doing them. I used to be into gardening, cooking and baking, big time. Not any more. I have no appetite and no interest in cooking. I do have a small garden which is nice. One of the projects Rich did for me was to fence in a much smaller area for my garden so I was not faced with a huge garden area that I did not need. I know that rest, proper nutrition, and exercise are so important. I also know that I am supposed to be gentle with myself. Can't do it. I know I am making positive progress because I am not nearly so sad as I was two or even one month ago. I guess I am coming up on my three month anniversary of Rich's death, something that I haven't been keeping track of. What I am acutely aware of is Rich's birthday is next week, my first first. I have made plans to visit Rich's brother and Mother on his birthday. It will be an eight hour drive to get there and I think I have enough powers of concentration to make the drive, as well as a GPS Of course Rich always drove us there so this will be my first time navigating on my own. It will be the first time I will have seen his brother and Mother since he died. Oh, another odd thing, Rich donated his body to the local medical college so there was no funeral. Back to the birthday, I am surprised how hard it is just thinking about his birthday. Scheesh, what will Christmas be like? The only thing I can do well, and I do this REALLY well, is to cry. And I am so happy to learn of all the benefits of crying. Anyway, howdy and thanks for listening. Beth And I don't know where this Salley thing came from

Hi BellaRosa, Yes, I am currently enrolled in CancerCare's General Caregivers/Loved Ones forum. It runs from Feb.1 to May 15. I thought is seemed like a great idea, but my group is rather silent. I thought the participants would chat among ourselves, but after the first two weeks, that stopped. The moderator poses a weekly idea, and 80% of the time I am the only one who responds. How did your group work? I had forgotten all the services the CancerCare offers, thanks for reminding me. I still want to sign up for the next session, be it the caregivers, or grieving forum. It is a wonderful service and i really like the idea that it is truely private.

Thought I would do an update. Rich has decided that it is time for him to stop eating. For the past two days, he has requested some ice cream twice. He longs for food, but has not had an appetite for almost two years. He has forced himself to eat, and he has decided to no longer do that. Eating has been his greatest discomfort, with stomach cancer. He feels better without all the pain and discomfort he would get with eating. We have invited a bunch of people over! Funny how things change so quickly. I am relaxed about the upcoming foot traffic. I will accommodate anyone Rich wants to invite over.

I am so sorry you are going through this. In October 2009 my husband was diagnosed with stomach cancer, and one month later entered the Hospice program at his own insistance. Hospice has EXTENDED my husbands life. He was ready to give up and quit eating in June 2010, and sat down with the medicine pack provided by Hospice and tried each medicine, one at a time. He left the morphine to last. because he was afraid of the name. Morphine has kept my husband alive since June 2010. At this point he is still on the short acting morphine, Hospice calls it Roxonal, and it eases his spasms and pain and has enabled him to eat. I went to a Hospice grief counselor who explained anticipatory grief to me. Hospice is not what you think. Morphine is not what you think. My husband can write computer software programs and ride his motorcycle while taking morphine. I highly recommend looking into Hospice. All the Best to you.

Hi Marty, In December I thought I was having a nervous breakdown so Rich and I went to our old marriage counselor. He said I needed a grief counselor, but he did not know of any in the area. So I went online and found a psychologist who specializes in grief that was 2 1/2 hours away at $125/hr. I also found two Hospice social workers (for free)that I did see once each. They both told me I had anticipatory grief. One was 2 hours away and the one I really liked was 45 minutes away. I live in the boonies! Neither of those two Hospice Social Workers are with my Hospice and saw me on an "emergency basis". I don't know if I can bo back to them. Our Hospice is small and we do have excellent RN's, but the social worker is 19 and still lives at home. She quit coming over a year ago and I am not sure I want her to come back. The last time she was here, she said she always learned so much when coming here! Hmmm, what's wrong with this picture? My husband and I did talk last night and he has a better understanding of my feelings. His condition is getting worse and after 18 months of watching him dying, it is intensifying. Wow, I did look at your website, it is quite extensive. I will spend more time there. I really appreciate you all responding to my issues and hope you can point out some more things I could do or not do.

Hi West, Thank you for your helpful efforts for me to see what is happening to me. I have asked some friends to bring their own food and that has worked out well. But it is Rich's male friends that I don't speak with before they arrive who always come hungry and empty handed. Yes, I am exhausted. And I feel we are entering the final stages of Rich's life. His weight is 103 pounds and he eats very little food, so his weight will continue to drop. He also won't take his morphine so I am in great distress watching him in so much pain. If we only have a few weeks left, I feel I just want to be left alone with him.

Hi Nick, Yes, we talked again last night about this issue. Of course all his friends are male who are coming around, and high maintenance at that. I refer to one as "Pig Pen" after the Peanuts character. All I want to do is take care of my husband without feeding and cleaning up after a bunch of untidy folks. I suppose it does not help that I don't care for the most frequent visitor. Thank you for your comments.

Hello All, We found out my husband had stomach cancer in October 2009 and he enrolled in Hospice in November 2009. He chose no treatmants, preferring to live without chemo, surgeries, and radiation for the rest of his short life. Well, here it is 18 months later and he is stil able to get up in the mornings and get some work done around the farm. Over the past 18 months we have hosted many friends and family. About last october 2010 I really started to be bothered by the amount of traffic through the house and by Jan.2011, I made some declarations; no visitors except family and invited friends (see how the no visitors rule didn't last even one minute?) no wisdom/lecturing. My husband is a type a obsessive/compulsive worker who feels it is his duty to teach all within ear reach his way of doing things. Since I have heard his lectures for 37 years, and he was getting to be repetitive, I asked for a halt in his lectures, and he has mostly complied. But what still mostly bothers me is the visitors. When he says "Do you mind if I invite" I get a bad feeling in my stomach and want to say NO, I do mind. But he is close to dying and I can't deny him his friends. A compromise that has worked the past several months was he went to his friends houses for visits. I am trying to understand why I have such a strong negative reaction when people try to come over for a visit. Part of it must be I feel they are intruding on my time. I am busy watching after my husband and don't want any one else to have to watch after. We have one couple that has visited every other week, coming for dinner and cards, and I have no problem with them. Why do I want to punch in the face some of the friends who try to come around on a regular basis? Is this normal to feel angry feelings when people think they can just pop in with a days notice? How can I get over this anger, if that is what it is? It may be anxiety, and if so, I need to take my anxiety meds! I don't know if I explained my self well. I have gone through so much since Oct. 2009.