Dwaynecg

I am getting closer to my goal. I have visited the schools again, and have all my paper work, done for the Career Center. If they get the funding when they say they will, I will start school on November 7. I cannot wait to get started. This is something I want to do so bad, and that brass ring is so close now, just 30 days away. I have waited all this time, so 30 days is nothing to wait.

God Bless

Dwayne

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAY!!!!

This year things will be looking up for you this year.

Have a wonderful day

God Bless

Love, Dwayne

Dear Debbie,

I am so sorry for you loss. I welcome you to this great place we have here, where everyone has suffered a great loss. My wife Pauline passed on February 25, 2011. From end stage MS. She suffered the last few years, that I would not want anyone to go through. I was her soul caregiver. I also quite my job of 27 years to take care of her for what turned out to be the last 2 1/2 years of her life. I would not change a thing either. We were as one, one spirit, one heart and soul. The day she pasted I lost my wife, soul mate, best friend, lover, and my life. Now I am trying to rebuild a new life that none of us wanted.

Please feel free to come back and write whatever you are going through. We all support each other on here as we go through the waves of grief.

Mary,

That is just perfect. It catches everything we all have gone, or going through as we travel that new road in our new life. Very, very nice way to put our grief in terms we all understand. You are a very wise woman. Please keep them coming.

God Bless, Debbie, and Mary

Dwayne

Dear Stacyines,

It is so early in your grief, that you will have many emotions, feelings, going on all at once. I think it is good you have something to work on, as long as you can do it in the very early part of grief. When I see something, or do something that is good or worth saying, I come in the apartment, and say Babe guess what I saw or done, or your favorite plant got a bloom on the day of our 31 anniversary. I talk to her a lot. One thing I did the day she passed, was I wrote her a goodbye letter. I read it at her memorial, I put together for her. We both decided in 1996, to donate our bodies to science. It does get lonely sometimes though. Last night at church we sang a song and it reminded me so much of Pauline, the tears flowed out, for a good 10 minutes. Times I miss her so much, but I did not want her to suffer anymore either. Its like being between a rock and a hard spot. You have no way out. I visited my last school again this morning. I have all my paper work ready for the Career Center, I just hope the funding comes though this time. If it dose when they say it will I will start school on November 7. I am sure I will be the oldest in the class. I will be 57 on the 21 of this month. I do not feel like it I feel I am around 30 or so.

Take care Stacy, just keep putting one foot in front of the other, as we all travel through this journey of grief. I am glad you have goals that you want to do. I feel it helps you, if you have a focus on a goal, like you have set for your self. Good luck, or do they say break a leg in show biz.

God Bless

Dwayne

Dear Dave,

I am glad that I can touch your heart and soul, with no judgement. We all hurt, we all feel the pain, sadness, guilt, anger, and all the emotions going trough our grief. I treat everyone they way I want to be treated, with respect. I hope your father continues to improve everyday, until he can go back home and live again. I wish you all the best in this life. I hope that someday, you will find someone to not take Mikes place, but someone you can start life with and live again. You are way to young to travel all your life alone.

Gob Bless

Dwayne

Dear Allana,

I am new at this site myself. I am so sorry to hear about your sister, passing away. That was the last thing you needed in you life now.

I lost my true love of my life in February. Pauline had MS for many years, like Mary, I was her soul caregiver for many years. After she passed I had a lot of health problems all summer long. I have a goal, I told Pauline 7 months before she passed, that if I was still young enough I wanted to become a nurse. It shocked her that I wanted to do that. I should start my schooling in early November, if they get the funding at the Career Center on the 20, as they have been told. I for one think, it is a good idea for you to try to get back to work again, and join the world of the living.

I wish you the best, and that you can find some peace and comfort in your new life again.

God Bless

Dwayne

Dear Kay,

I know what you are talking about, not getting the respect from upper management. The only respect I got from the upper management, was from the father who owned the company when I started. I got that after showing him what I could do and my work ethics. Also the co-owner his brother, we worked close together for a few years. He gave me a lot of respect. When I started extruding the plastic in the morning. Most of the time those machines, never stopped, I work through lunch eating while I worked the extruder. When the father handed over control to his son, he never showed me any respect. Even though if not for all my hard work in getting that place up and running when Dad, and I went to work there, he would not have had the company, with all that money we made for him. Some bosses or owners, think that they are above everyone else, but if not for your good work, he would not have what he has, today.

Just let it roll off your back. You know your skills and what you are capable of a lot better than anyone else.

Hang in there , my dear friend Kay,

God Bless

Dwayne

Thank you Susie,

I went to one school yesterday and got that part of the paper work, done. Now on Friday, I go to the other school, the one that I want to go to, and get that paper work completed. I want to go to that school because they teach 140 hours more than the other, so I will be learning a lot more, that will only help me, when I finish and get the first job in my new career. I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!! I also completed the form from the Career Center. You answer a lot of questions, and after you open these 2 pages that are stuck together and it tells them what is your interests are. The you go through the rest of the form and circle different jobs or careers that you are interested in by what your scores are acording to the 2 highest. Mine were Scientific, and Social. At the back you list the 12 jobs or careers from eithe of those 2 catagories, your school subjects you like best, the most important values about the jobs, and then your 4 abilities that you can do best. This helps guide them into if you are going after a retraing course that would best suit you. It is very interesting.

God Bless

Dwayne

Dear Dave,

I am so happy that, things are looking up for your father. Out of the ICU, WOW, what a turn around from last week. These emotions low and hi can be draining on anyone, let alone someone going through grief.

Doesn't make you feel good inside, that you were the one that made the difference in your co-worker, and getting him the time of like they gave you. Way to go Dave, But please eat, rest and do take care of yourself. We do not want to hear that you are sick also!

Dave in my hospice group meetings, we have gay and lesbian people who come also. We all treat them like family. Love Is Love, there is no way around it. You feel the GREAT loss just like I do. I know your pain, and you know mine, we are all HUMAN, all with the very same emotions as everyone on this planet. Back in the early nineties one of my best workers was gay. He was the best man in the place. He came in one day with bruises on his face. Some people had beat him up, just for being himself. I told him, I would take him home and pick him up for work. He said thanks but did not want me to travel out of my way. I knew he had Aids before he told me. I said I know, he asked how, I told him I could see the signs, way before. That I had talked to the owner of the company and I wanted and needed Ronnie, to work as long as he wanted to. He was that good. The owner said ok, but this stays between us and no one else. Even the shop manager did not know. He worked 2 more years before his health declined to where he felt he had to leave the job. He was going into a place to be taken care of. I gave him a 19" color TV for his room. I told the home he went to, that when he passed I want to be called, but they did not, so I never got to say the final goodbye to a friend and my co-worker. I hope you get great support at this new grief meetings you will be going to.

Take care Dave, I wish your father keeps getting better.

God Bless

Dwayne

Dear Pam,

Like my father use to say, " the only sure thing in life is, You were born, some how, some way you pay taxes and at the end is Death ".

Money cannot make you happy, it could ease your mind a little. It does not protect you from Illness either. We all will get, there some day. Until then just try to keep moving forward in this life we have, now. I said at my hospice meeting, " That I am back among the living again ". The counselor said that is a perfect way to describe it. When you reach a point were you set goals, and I have set a big one to become a nurse, follow though with your goal, and get out and meet new people. I have done that. Except the big goal, It gets so close, then another curve ball comes at me. I will not give up until I make it and get that first new job in a new career.

God Bless

Dwayne

I really do not look at it as a set back. I look as it, like life I got the funding this summer I could have not went to school. Now I have entered the world of the loving again. I get stronger every day, And I was able to use some of my wound skills, and helping him with therapy, to start walking again. I like to look at it as a positive, every day I get stronger and expand my mind in learn the songs for church, We now have 18. I have a good 13 songs down, So that helps my memory to exercise, to get ready for the big stuff. My only hope was to start school at 56, But on OCT. 21 I will be 57 but feel like 29 again.

Thank all of you for your support you all have given me.

God Bless

Dwayne

Dear Kay,

You will do just fine, Like Harry said, relax, take a deep breath, the KNOK THIER SOCKS OFF, all the time just relax and let your mind focus on the job, You have all the skills. I know you can do it.

Your dear friend, God Bless Dwayne

Dear Harry,

You are absolutely right about CBS. If they cannot get that right what else have they gotten wrong. The world lost a true visionary in Steve Jobs. My Aunt, Her Husband Leroy Nipper, had a nephew that done the hard wirer work with Jobs in the garage in California, on the very first prototypes to come out of Apple, I do not remember how long he worked withe Mr. Jobs, but it was a few years. Then one day he just quite. He was a genius. With circuit boards. He moved back to Kansas and became a recluse. Living alone never leaving his trailer he live in. One day they had not heard from him in awhile, and found him dead from a self inflected gunshot to the head. I guess the pressure he was under out in California, gave him a break down. Steve Jobs will go down in history with the likes of Einstein , and Newton.

God Bless

Dwayne

Hi everyone,

Well yesterday, I was expecting to have, good news about getting my schooling started for nursing. When I met with the my case worker, who handles all the funding and gets everyone into the schools and classes that they have applied for. My counselor Amilcar, recognized me right away, and asked what happened to me. Because the last time I saw him was June first. Then he took me to Angel, the counselor for getting you on transitional assistance. I explained to Amilcar, my summer lost. He could not believe everything that had happened to me. As I explained to him between the grief, and also the long term caregiver, it took a toll on my body. Because my paper work from the schools are over 90 days old, I have to revisit the schools, so the they know I still want the training, and one form from the Career Center, that helps them determine what your interests are, to make sure what training you are seeking is something that really fits your interest. He said Dwayne these are just formalities for you, and he would do everything he can to get me in the school. He said I deserve that, for all that I have gone through and still have my focus on my goal.

He really liked my straw hat that I wear. It is a Stetson, UV blocker, I got for when I go walking. He talked about it so much, I wrote down the web site for the store where I got it from. Shelpers out of Wichita, Kansas. He went on to their web site and was thrilled at what he saw. He closed the page and told me he would look at home, Then he said go revisit both schools and fill out the foam, that he would see me on the 25. The funding is now set for the 20 of this month. Not to worry he said It will all work out for you.

So that is where I am still waiting, but healthy now and a lot better in my mind. I still have that blaze in me to get my schooling one way or another.

Never give up.

God Bless

Dwayne

Dear Deb,

I have written many letters to Pauline, It does help a little with grief, but I think we really never let go. Pauline is always with me , in my heart and soul. I always ask her for guidance, I believe she does help me. I know how she would want me to do things. That is the same way I always have done, before she passed.

As far as not getting to say goodbye, he could hear you, even after they, pronounced his death. They can still hear us up to a couple hours after death. Anything you said to him in either state before in the unconscious state, from the pain med's, and after. He heard every word you spoke from your heart. I am so sorry he could not respond to you. I was blessed, that for Pauline's last 2 1/2 days before she past, she was unresponsive also. All I wanted was to hear her say I love you. With her last breath of live, she did say very faint, as I told her I love you Babe, she said, I love you too. Then she was gone.

No we may move on in life but we never really let go of the love of our life. They are always in our heart and soul. I wish that you find some peace in your life.

God Bless

Dwayne

Dear Melina,

I have had to deal with people like that myself. When Pauline came home from the hospital, for the last time, 3 weeks to the before she passed. It was dark, and cold, and very icy. I put ice melt on the side walk so they could bring her in our apartment safely. Then on Sunday I had to was clothes. I have to go outside to get into the basement where our washer and dryer are. On Saturday, the land lord chopped all the ice off the walk, but did nothing to the cement pad at the basement door. The ice was over 3 in., thick. Well as I stepped down to the first step, I slipped, and my head hit the top of the door jam. I had a small cut. After I was done getting the wash going, I made sure Pauline was alright, the called the land lord. It took her 4 days to call back. She was so mean and nasty to me. She said well you could have put ice melt on there, I told her that is your job I pay you rent. Then she told me she was going to put a padlock on that door, and I would have to go to the laundry mat to do the clothes. I told her Pauline was on Hospice now and it did not look good. Then she told me, well I took care of my mother in-law last summer, as she was dyeing. I told her that it is not the same as your spouse, that you have been with for 33 years. Some how she did a 180 turn. Now they are so nice and offer me rides or anything I need.

Most of the time if I encounter someone who is yelling or mad at me. I just return my words in a soft and caring voice, just let the rant and rave go over my head and wish the a good day. It turns them completely around, and then they are not made anymore and we go our separate ways.

God Bless

Dwayne

Dear Dave, I am so sorry to hear about your father. It is a little good news that he did have a little turn around. I will be saying a pray for both you and your father. Glad to here you are being the son, and letting the other nurses, be the nurse. I know it is very taxing, and trying on you. Being so close to the loss of your love, Mike. Hang in there. One day at a time. The best news is that he has not declined, and is fighting and holding his own. Be sure to get some rest, eat well, and keep hydrated, for your own self being, because the last thing you need is for you to get drained and then get sick yourself.

Please keep us updated.

God Bless

Dwayne

Dear LOH,

I welcome you to this wonderful place we have here. We all go through grief different, and in a different time it takes as well. I know you pain, and all the emotions you are feeling. I lost, my wife, best friend, soul mate. And lover on 2/25/2011. This has been different for me then I think many others on here. Pauline had MS, for many years. Because of that we started making plans in the mid 90's as when the end came. So for me we had many years to talk about any, and everything that she wanted to happen when that time came. Because of her MS I was her soul caregiver for many years. About 7 months before she passed, and at that time we did not know that in a few short months the MS would burn like a wild fire and take her down faster than anything I have seen, I told her if, and when she passed I wanted to become a nurse. Every time a nurse came in whether it was for wound care, that I took care of, the wound nurse came in once a week, but they all told me I have what it takes to be a nurse. I set a goal to go to school and get started in that part of my new life. I have lost this summer to many, health problems, from being a long term caregiver, which they say is 4 years and longer, it takes a toll on your body, that you do not even know is happening until it is over.

If you can try to find a support group in your area for grief. I go to the hospice, that took care of Pauline for her last 3 weeks, she was at home, so I did the most work for her. This hospice group is free and they have a meeting every week in 1 city and 1 town that I go to eery week. That is a very good place to start. I find it very helpful to talk face to face with people who are going through the something I am. Other than that dig deep inside you and never give up or give in to this grief. Keep fighting every day, even if it is only to get out of bed, and move from room to room.

I wish you the bests, keep coming back and write out all the emotions that you feel. This is a very great and a great blend of people on here to give and get the support we all need so bad.

God Bless

Dwayne

Dear Pam,

The very thing has happened to me. It took me almost 6 months where I was able to cook meals for myself. The strongest emotion I felt was guilt. All The Doctors and the nurses that knew us told me, that I have, nothing to feel guilty over. That I had given Pauline the best care and loving home better than any one else they have seen. That no one could have given her what she needed and when she needed it as I did. They could see the great love and respect we had for each other. It has taken me a long time to get through the guilt. I still feel some even today.

Pam you have made a very positive step forward into this new life that none of us wanted or could even imagine. Take it one step at a time. You are doing just fine.

God Bless

Dwayne

Dear Kay,

Deb is right when it comes to whom you know to get a good job. When Pauline and I moved back her to Massachusetts, I was a heavy equipment operator. I had operated almost any type of heavy equipment. I was best with the grader. I could doe blue top grade work. That is the finish grade before the asphalt or concrete is laid. They had an add in the paper for a blue top grader. I went to the union office to apply. They would not even talk to me, because I was not in the union. I said I would join. They said no you can't. You see out here to get into that union you had to know someone, that knew someone, that had a cousin Vienna already in the union. So the job went unfilled for almost a year. I took a job running a backhoe at an airport installing new runway lights for $7.00 an hour. Only 2 of us one the job. While the union guys have at least 4-5 doing the same ting and that backhoe operator was making $25.00 per hour, and we did more work.

Hang in there Kay, a good job will come your way soon. It sounds like Deb has a great idea with the newspaper also.

God Bless

Dwayne

Dear Kay,

I like what you have talked about and how it, reflect to adults as well. That has always been my strongest part of my life. To be kind and gentle and soft spoken. I have had so many people tell me that. From Pauline's, nurses, and doctors, and everyone that knew us. Pauline would tell me, to get more anger when it is needed. I would always tell her you get a better response, being kind and gentle with people, than you do yelling in their face. I had the greatest respect from the guys I was the boss over. Because I took the time to greet each one every morning as they came in. I never yelled at the when a mistake was made. I would take the time to show the how our why they made the mistake. No one in that place got more respect or gave respect. When the Owner hired his brother in-law to work with me and learn my job. He looked down on the guys take were really the ones who made the production, that kept the money coming in.

That is part of the reason I want to be a nurse, because I have the compassion, kindness and a caring heart. That are what the nurses, that came in saw time after time. That is why Pauline's longest time nurse told me I would make a great nurse, I have the personality and compassion it takes to make a great nurse.

I thank you for starting this thread Kay.

God Bless

Dwayne

Dear Deb,

I guess I missed this beautiful story you was so kind to post. It was Pauline's 7 month anniversary, my mind was else wears. It is the little things in a relationship that matters the most. I worked every day to make Pauline feel good about herself and kept up her spirit. I would make here breakfast every morning, even when I was working and was up at 4 am. I never took anything for granted. I guess we both knew where the MS would take her to. It took many years, but in the end it could not be stopped. I am very grateful that we could talk so openly and honest with each other. It did make things go better in the end. Because we talked so much about the end and what she wanted for her, and what she wanted for me, in my life without her. I would do anything to have her back again. I have told many people, take the time, enjoy every day with you love one, because that final day you spend with them comes way to fast and to soon.

Thank you for sharing

God Bless

Dwayne

Dear Stacyines,

I think that Kay has said it all. Sometimes it is minute by minute that we survive, Then maybe hour by hour. Don't expect to much now. Your emotions are all over the place, like we all were and still from time to time still is. Yesterday, I was helping Greg with hi yard work, and I mean he has a lot of yard front and back. 2 other of his friends stopped by. I got Greg to go in his house to rest around 2. Me and the other 2 guys finished clean the yard up. I had brought lunch, up for everyone. Then while we all were eating some said something that reminded me of Pauline. The tears came out. They all said, if something one of them said hurt me that, they were sorry. I told them no. It is just the grief hitting me again, and I am ok, I need the tears to flow. We all do, so just do not try to rush the grief. Let it flow like the ocean waves. Sometimes they are small, then come a storm and the are huge, swallowing you up. Rest assure we are all her for you. We all lost the love of our life.

God Bless

Dwayne

Dear Deb,

As I said before I got and still get a lot out of my grief group meetings. I go to one every week. It helps to open up with people who are where you are, or have already been where you are at now. I encourage everyone to find a group you like. The first 3+ months I could not get through a meeting without crying. I am much better now. The one emotion I never felt, like I hear, and read is the anger. I could never be angry with Pauline. That is not part of my make up. I hope you find, a great benefit from you group. Mine is always open. It is not one of the six week ones I have read and heard about. For me it helps going every week. Some do not.

I wish you the best Deb, hang in their.

Dave, If witting helps you that is great. I am witting a book about Pauline and her life growing up and the horrible things she had to endure in her life, until we were brought together. I gave her the life she disserved and wanted so bad, Just to be loved.

God Bless

Dwayne

Dear Patty,

I agree with Kay, it is to soon to settle for the first man to come along. Its funny you wrote this thread, because I have had 3 encounters with 3 different wemen. The first was at a small resteraunt- store I stop at when I go help Greg. Tuesday, was Greg's and Donna's anniversary. I kew they were out so I put a card I made for them in their mailbox. I was going to a hospice meeting in Raynham, MA. I stopped at th place and this young lady maybe 30, had always been very nice and smiled at me a lot when I would stop in. I did not see the same with the other customers. When she brought my dinner she told me her name and it was nice to meet me. Then on Thursday, I went to have my eyes checked and order new glasses. The woman that help me was in her early 40's and as she measured my eyes, she told me that I was very rare. I asked what she ment. She said my face is acemetrical, and that is why wenom find me attractive. It knocked my socks off. Then early yesterday I needed ne tires on my van. I went to Benny's, they sell tires and a lot more like a small K-Mart. I could see they were ready to pull out the van, and I needed a couple litght bulbs. I was paying for them and I had this feeling someone was starring at me. I looked and a young couple maybe 30 years old was behind me. The girl was looking right into my eyes, I smiled, then she smiled and gave a small wink. I don't know what is what. I have to get my nursing shool done and get a job. I have not even thought about dating.

I wish you the best and you will know when and who the right person will be for you. I am not young either I will be 57 on the 21st of this month.

good luck.

God Bless

Dwayne