Novi

On 4/17/2024 at 8:38 AM, MartyT said:

Keeping you in our thoughts and prayers as you find your way through this latest challenge . . . ❤️

Thank you. I'll update as things progress.

I'm sorry for all your losses. Mati was beautiful. She looks a lot like my baby Nile. Super fluffy!

My cats are family. As Kayc said, pets is just a simple name that is deemed more acceptable. I had a soulcat too. His name was Beck. They all mean the world to me but Beck was just different. I know I'll never meet another like him. I can relate to your bond with Mati. 

Hello Nile,

With your last Solensia shot, the tech advised me you've lost weight. I noticed too... It's getting difficult to feed you your medicated food. I've started mixing Sylvester and Machete's regular food more and more to get you to eat. And that's okay. The last thing I want to do is deny you food. If you like it, you can have it. I learned the hard way with Beck that giving you food you don't like is just cruel. 

I've also noticed you fall now. I've seen you do it twice. Your back legs are giving out on you. When Cleo was at her last few weeks she did the same. I'm preparing myself for the worse. I'll never be ready but I'll be as ready as I can to help you transition to the meadows. I hope I can have an at-home euthanasia. We will see what happens. 

You're still in good spirits and run around a lot so I'm not at the point of saying good bye. I just want to make sure you're comfortable and living the best life you can. I can see you're still happy. I'm willing to get you a stronger pain med if that's what you need and I know I need to be very vigilant at the same time. Other than pain meds I refuse further treatment. I love you and I won't let you suffer. I want to make your last while with me the best I can. Extra treats and more and more of the food you enjoy. 

You don't know it yet but you're getting a bath today, and a thorough brushing. Your spring coat is shedding and I can see mats! I don't want you to get those, I know how painful they can be. I will ask for forgiveness later for the bath, with a lot of cheese treats. They're you're favourite and I bought them with you in mind. 

Love you!

I worked with him for over four years. He was always happy with a boisterous laugh. He embellished the truth all the time, but it just made him entertaining. Everyone at work is affected by this, myself included. I only work there part time now for the time being until I find another job, and last time I saw him he apologized to me for something that had happened. At first I said he had nothing to be sorry for because what happened was not his fault. But he insisted and I accepted his apology. He thanked me before he left for the day. I am so so glad I accepted his apology because if I hadn't I would carry that guilt forever. 

Last month he was so excited as he showed me pictures of the motorcycle he was hoping to buy. Two weeks ago he was so excited as he told me he was going on a road trip to a neighbouring province to visit a friend. Two days ago he died riding his bike when he collided with a moose on the highway on the way to visit his friend.

I'm no stranger to a sudden death but for some reason I'm really struggling to wrap my mind around the fact that I spoke to him just last week and now he's gone forever. It's strange. I know he wouldn't want anyone to be sad, or at least not for too long. I feel bad for his wife. And the moose. The whole situation is just so ugly. 

RIP J.K.  

 Nile,

Still going strong. Your physical was good too, the vet is happy with how well you're doing. You haven't gained weight but haven't lost any, so that's a win for us both. You really enjoyed the tuna cake I made in celebration. 

It's been so nice spending all my days at home with you. Not having a job is stressful but I appreciate the time we get to have together because I know we may not have much left. And I'm still making ends meet with my employment benefits even though they took two months to kick in. It's just enough to get us by for now. I'll be happy when I find a new job but sad that I'll have to leave you at home while I go to work. But maybe all of this happened so we can be together right now. I know you absolutely love that I'm home all the time. I enjoy it too!

Finally got Nile's results today and it's awesome news!!! Not sure what happened with him last month - I think my stress is/was rubbing off on him so I need to watch for that. I finally got a doctor to listen to me and was prescribed a short term anti-anxiety medication, as well as a bit of Ativan. This should help big time with the process of interviews and starting a new job. But I digress! The news (copy/paste from the email):

Quote

 

Thanks for your patience in waiting for Nile's results. Luckily, I think I have good news today - Nile's renal marked continue to remain quite stable! Although he certain does still have renal/kidney disease, his kidney markers have not changed significantly in the last two years. His potassium also remains within normal range with his current supplementation schedule. 

Overall I think he is doing quite well given his advanced age and long history of kidney disease. He is always floating just around the cut off for stage 2 vs. stage 3 kidney disease, and remains there today.

 

I definitely needed news like this right now and I'm very happy my little hero will be around a while longer to keep me going. 

The hysterectomy is covered by Canada's "free healthcare." I'm still waiting to hear back from the hospital about that. I've been on the phone the last hour trying to find a family doctor. I had one but they moved a bunch of patients to a different clinic that only takes walk ins. I was one of the lucky patients that got the boot. My mom died of cancer because she didn't have a regular doctor. It's free healthcare but you get what you pay for. 

I also called the vet clinic to follow up, the veterinarian has been out of office on holidays. They probably shouldn't bother running tests if there's no one to look at them for the next three weeks. Nile seems well so I'm not worried, I'm just annoyed at the poor service. 

I still haven't heard back from the vet... Nile seems fine. I'm scared to call them to follow up. I just lost my job today. I'm not sure how much more I can afford now anyways. Yes I wanted to get fired so I would stop getting mentally drained. But now I have to deal with being financially drained. I also found out last week I may need a hysterectomy. Things are just a big mess.

On 12/14/2023 at 5:58 AM, kayc said:

My last job was my worst, boss behind paying me, stole everyone's IRA contributions and never paid them to the gov't, didn't pay his taxes, gov't wanted to take my bank account until I showed them I wasn't a signer (he tried to add me on to his bank account, I refused), then they tried to take another employee's $ until I proved to them he had no awareness of any of this (he was a signer), so important to  protect yourself!  It was the only job who hired me during recession.  When he laid me off the last time, no cards or fanfare, just suddenly retired with no $.  I made it and never looked back.

Keep knowing your own worth!  Make a list of your accomplishments in your career and remind yourself of them often.  I had some daily affirmations I'd listen to that helped. Put a sign on your bathroom mirror telling yourself your own worth and refer to it daily!  I suggested this to my daughter when her husband left her and she says "I DO that!!!"  So neat that mom and daughter both figured out how to get through difficult times...I did that when her dad left.

We are here for you.  Come here and post daily or when you want to, we are here for you.   (((hugs)))

 

Life is crappy enough without having to put up with such bull while just trying to pay bills. 

The latest thing now is when we get a gift basket or any gifts from vendors/contractors/customers, the guy training me who I am cursed working under goes around and offers some to everyone but me.  I guess I haven't been there long enough to have earned getting treated like an equal. 

If I'm going to bungle something to get fired it has to happen soon. I do make mistakes as I'm still learning but to make an intentional, big  mistake... I'll have to think about something that won't affect people outside of the company. That wouldn't be fair. 

Nile goes for his full physical tomorrow. He wasn't due til next February but we had a bit of a scare last Friday so I decided to book it sooner. Nothing serious and he's fine now but I want to be 100% sure there isn't something else going on. 

12 hours ago, kayc said:

I'm sorry they made you feel some kind of way, they could use a lesson in how to support your employees/coworkers!  Lift your head up and know who and how you are, and it's not how they make you feel.💖

I agree, they could. I'm trying to keep my head up but it's getting hard. I'm letting him get to me and I'm talking down on myself alot. I need to remove this toxicity from my life as soon as possible.

21 hours ago, MartyT said:

It saddens me to think that you're in a job that brings you down so much. Is there nothing you can do to improve your work environment?  No one at work who can advise, guide or support you in any way? See, for example, How to Handle a Lack of Support at Work.

You might also consider giving yourself a few sessions with a qualified counselor or life coach ~ someone professionally trained to help you maximize your full potential and reach your desired results.

And always remember that, as Eleanor Roosevelt wisely observed, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. ❤️

There is no one at work to help me. I actually found out that there are two ladies who sit in the same room that laugh at me behind my back. I don't know if it's true but before anything was said to me I already got that feeling from them so I imagine it's probably mostly true. This is the worst job I have ever had, sadly. It's also the highest paying, but money can't allow verbal abuse. That abuse comes from the person that is supposed to be training me. I was warned he was a difficult person to work with during the interview. I've worked with difficult people in the past, he isn't difficult, he's impossible.

I've worked in the food industry, it's hard, unappreciated work and this job is so much worse than that.

I get part of my cervix burned off on Dec 20th and I'm glad because I would rather sit through that procedure than another day at that place. My three months probation period is over on the 26th, I'm really hoping they fire me before then. I can't quit, if I do I can't apply for unemployment and take my time to find something better. I deserve at least that. 

I just wanted to share this story of Nile, he really truly is my hero. I've been having a very tough time adjusting to my new job. I get berated and made to feel stupid, this has been going on for months. It's breaking my self esteem, and today when I got home from work as soon as I walked through the door I dropped my bag and sat at the entrance and just bawled my eyes out for a few minutes. Usually Nile would be there waiting for me and I would pick him up and say "hello," and he would lick my face to give me hello kisses. But I scared him with my slight habit deviation. After I had a good cry I walked over to the couch and sat down. Nile came over and jumped on my lap and started to lick my face. He insisted on giving me my hello kisses. Despite how terrible I felt he made me smile (and then start crying again lol) I'll never forget these little gestures I get from him, he really is my special little guy. 

He goes for a full physical next Saturday. I hope the results are okay. I'm so lucky I've had him for this long, blessed really. I just hope for some more time. I never want to let him go. 

I'm sorry for my outburst @MartyT and thank you for the links. 

I'm not suicidal, all I know is if I ever did develop cancer I would prefer to end it. The goverment of Canada offers assisted suicide for basically anything these days (not that I agree with it) so seeking help is not always the best option. I just don't know anymore.

Nile is going fine so that is one positive. His weight is the same and he's still active and happy. 

I know this isn't the forum or the thread to talk about this but I don't really have anywhere to turn to. I had my biopsy last week and next month I have to go for a second procedure. I know it's not cancer, it's "precancer" treatment but I'm so scared. I had to cancel Nile's vet appointment next weekend because my car needs over $2000 worth of repairs and all of this I have to deal with completely alone. I'm having some pretty dark thoughts. I'm tired of fighting and I don't have much fight left anymore. Life has just been an upwards, sh*t-filled battle with no breaks, no happiness and just complete loneliness. The reality that if this does turn to cancer I have no one to help me like I helped my mom. I would be forced to just end it. Where is the good in life? I've been waiting for it. Even as a suicidal teen I always told myself to "cheer up" and that one day I would know what love is, I would be surrounded by family and friends. Here I am now like a stupid fool, no family, very few friends and never knowing what love it. I'm going to die never knowing what that's like.

I'm absolutely terrified right now.

On 11/4/2023 at 11:16 AM, MartyT said:

Please let us know, if you're willing. Meanwhile, know that you are in our thoughts and prayers as we hope for the best for you. ❤️

On 11/5/2023 at 3:48 AM, kayc said:

Yes, I understood that,  🙏🙏🙏, let us know what you find out.  Been going through that with my best friend the last 2-3 years.

I'll let you know when I find out. I don't know how long it will take for the results. I'm surprised that I got in for the colposcopy as soon as I did, the healthcare here was in shambles prior to the pandemic and it's only gotten worse. I was told up to 90 days wait and I got my appointment two weeks later. It must be serious. It's been messing with my head, and I just started a new job on Sept 28th. (One that pays much better than my last, I was trying to make life easier/better for myself.) My stress levels are so high right now. This is also the anniversary week of my mother's death. I really have no fight left in me, if it is cancer I don't think I will fight. 

3 hours ago, kayc said:

Cancer, that's what got my Arlie over four years ago.  They couldn't do anything for him, he got a clean bill of health two weeks prior from his vet.  How the hell do you miss that!

I'm so sorry, Novi.  They live on in our hearts.  

Nile is fine, he's doing great actually. I have to take him for a full physical soon, I'm just waiting to save a bit of money first since I was in between jobs last month. It's me who is being tested for cervical cancer next week. I'm hoping it's just a false positive, but I won't know more until the biopsy happens. 

Hello, my little fighter!

It's almost been a year since that bitter tech at the vet told me you only had around three months left to live... you still have as much energy now as you did then. I could learn from you. If my biopsy comes back positive for cancer I don't know I would fight like you do. The only thing that matters is that I outlive you. While Sylvester and Machete would be confused at being rehomed and left wondering where I went, I know you would never recover. You've always been ultra sensitive to even the smallest changes. I can only hope for the best this Wednesday.

I appreciate every day you are still here with me. You are my hero. I love you.

HI Maury. I'm sorry for your loss. I can relate with not wanting to open up to many people about it. I don't really either, except on this site. 

My cats are my "kids" too. I was never blessed with any human ones. My cats are my family. Losing them is so painful. I can't imagine life without them. Although I said I would never adopt again, I rescued another just 2 weeks ago. I just didn't want to see him end up in a shelter. I named him Muhsheddy. He's doing well. I hope you are too. 

Nile,

Thank you for being you and thank you for being so tough. I know you've felt my stress these last few months and you weren't eating much because of it. I'm glad we're both back to normal now. Except for Muhsheddy but even though he's more than twice your size you put him in his place. He and Sylvester are warming up to each other anyways, so soon you won't be bugged by either to play. You and me will just get to sit and lounge, and relax.

Another appointment this weekend for your pain medication. I know it's stressful to have to get a needle at the vet's, but I know you know it helps. You always stay so calm for the whole ordeal. Every appointment I book and take you to is a blessing. It just means you're still with me and that the meds are working. I wish I could keep you forever. I know that's not possible. I just cherish every day. I love you. 

6 hours ago, MartyT said:

Writing As A Healing Tool in Grief   ❤️

Thank you for the link. I keep a journal but I think a letter to my loved ones would be worth a try. And writing it in my journal just feels wrong so I won't do that. It will have to be separate. But I think I will try writing to mom and then burning the letter like you mentioned earlier. I really like that idea. 

7 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

I write to my beloved wife and to God. They are saved and encrypted on my computer. They are my thoughts and feelings. It helps me to get them out of my head and on electronic notes that I can release. It helps me and gives me Peace. May you find the method that works best for you.  - Shalom (Peace)

 

The only thing I do is keep a journal which are just anything between my own thoughts or how my day went. It's more for a place to vent and let out my feelings. I like it better than speaking to a therapist. Thank you, I hope to find a method. I do want to speak to my loved ones but I haven't found a way that works for me yet. I sometimes visit my mom at her grave but even then I don't say anything. I just sit there in silence and cry for a while. It's depressing really and makes me not want to go. I definitely need to try something different.

On 8/5/2023 at 7:27 AM, kayc said:

And I hope that for you. My last job was horrible, LONG expensive commute, a doofus for a boss and young people that had never gone through anything in life and showed up when they wanted, left when they wanted, they took double time breaks.  My previous job was wonderful, my dream job, dream boss, dream coworkers...THAT is what I wish for you!

And you will see your mom and Beck again...believe.

I truly hope this is a change in the right direction. At this point any change is a good one. If the job I am going to doesn't sit well with me I'll keep looking. 

And thank you. I believe there has to be something even if it's not literally seeing them again. Just to be with them in some form of energy is a nice thought. 

16 hours ago, kayc said:

Accept what you feel in your heart, believe in what you know even though you can't explain it, there's so much more to life/death/afterlife than "science!"  Science is man's way of trying to make sense of things...but some things just are, and defy explanation!  I know what I know the night George came to me, cannot explain it, but know it.  I'd called soc. sec. to find out what I'd get as I was broke after four years of not working, the lady that answered after an hour of holding clearly wanted to be off work. She told me I'd get $250/month. Instantly my anxiety hit the roof! I couldn't live on that with a mortgage, etc. how could that be after working all my life! I tried to get her to doublecheck, nope, wouldn't do it. Told me to call my local office. I called, they'd just left, for a three day weekend. I'd have to wait until Tuesday!

I was laying on my bed that night, face down, when I felt George's hand on my back/shoulder area. It INSTANTLY calmed me, as only he could!  I'd know his touch anywhere, even though it'd been years since he died.  That calm last me until Tuesday, I called the local office, got a wonderful man who filed soc. sec. for me, even setting up Medicare to come out, he was wonderful...I didn't have to do anything, fill out forms, go anywhere.  And I was able to pay my mortgage, utilities, phone, insurance.

No way can I explain this, only that it happened, and if that's the only time I ever get something like that, it'll carry me the rest of my life.

As I pray your cat does with you.

And I agree, you can't work for a place that treats you like that or allows others to.  I wish you the best going forward!

I love that George came to bring you comfort. I never used to believe things like that but now I'm more open to it. The thought of after life brings me comfort because just the idea of never seeing my mom, or Beck, or even my dad (and everyone I have lost and will lose) ever again is just too much to bear. 

And thank you, I hope this new job will treat me well. For the most part my last job did too but too many little things just added up over time. It really was time for me to move on. Hopefully I make new friends on the way, I could use more interaction in my life. 

10 hours ago, MartyT said:

Some set a match to their letters, letting the smoke carry their contents to the sky ~ a symbolic way of sending their message to the spirit of their loved one. You can bury the letter, or release it to a body of water, or just save it and put it in a safe place. The idea is to contruct a ritual that holds meaning for you.

See, for example, Grief Rituals and the Healing Process:

"In grief, rituals are an important part of the healing process. Rituals provide order to the chaos of grief. They usually involve distinctive ingredients such as candles, food, a special space or place. Rituals have a beginning, a middle and an end. They speak to our hearts and legitimize our emotions while forcing us to focus on the present.

"Rituals create bridges for moving from one psychosocial status to another. From spouse to widow or from child to orphan, rituals can help with the transition.  Anything that has special meaning to us may be part of our mourning ritual, from displaying photographs to bringing flowers to the grave. Again, any act done with intention can be a ritual. It’s about the intention — not just going through the motions."   ❤️

Thank you for the info. I want to try something like this, and I like the idea of the smoke carrying my contents to the sky. I think I would like to do it at her grave and mix the ashes in the dirt too. 

I'm struggling really hard right now, I've been thinking of her pretty much non stop since I got this new job. I never thought something so simple could trigger so much grief again, especially after this many years. It suddenly feels so fresh again. 

6 hours ago, kayc said:

Congratulations on your new job!

Missing someone special is with us the rest of our lives here, and will be until we're together again, for me, my husband and dogs and cats, my sisters, for you, your mom.  They are with us all the time...only a whisper away.  (((hugs)))

Thanks Kayc.

My cats are special too, especially Beck. I know he's sent me some signs in the past. One is actually quite undeniable, even as mostly a non believer I can't explain what happened. 

I'm looking forward to this new job. My job now is okay but I've been unhappy for a while. The final straw was having a coworker call me stupid and tell me I'm terrible at my job. He took his bad mood out on me and got away with it. It is just a matter of time before he gets like this again. He's done it to others. Being bipolar doesn't excuse abuse towards your coworkers. I cant work in a place that allows this.