widower

Sadly, in today's society, people seem to be focused on their own lives and don't have time for others.

That may be part of it, but people have always been focused on their own lives; that's human nature. I think the main diff in more modern times is that we are getting worse and worse at dealing with death, esp when someone we know/care about loses someone (ie someone we're not nearly as close to, if at all), and I think that is because we've gotten so obsessed with being or looking more youthful and gotten a lot better at living longer, so death has become a much less familiar part of our lives, esp when someone dies at a younger age than expected. I think that plus our society's bizarre and ridiculous trend of becoming hypersensitive to every little thing and avoiding anything that's unpleasant is what's doing it (since death is obviously by far the most unpleasant thing of all).

"Cloud" is frankly a trendy BS name which is more or less means "on the internet" and everyone under the sun is using the term to appear "cool" or up to date on the latest PC trends.

PS I'm in I.T. but I was born too late too.

Thx very much for confirmation. Best of luck with the new situation......

Marty,

Pls confirm the validity of an email I got on a similar topic which I and I'm sure many others received that appears legit, but it would be good to have a confirmation from you here. In fact, I suggest a separate thread "pinned" at the top about this, as you can't be too careful nowdays and it's worth really having "out there" so people know. It was an aol.com email address, and those type of emails (and hotmail.com, etc) always raise my eyebrow as they are popular with scammers. Nobody asked for personal or financial info, but again, just want to be sure. I received mine about 6 AM Central Time if that helps. Thanks and best of luck with the new setup!

It's been about 2 yrs for me and I think I'm doing worse now than I was a year ago. Going to bed has become ridiculous (I rarely get to bed before 1 or 2 AM and if I do, usually my mind races and I get back up - finally getting to sleep at 4 or 5 AM is common). Also recently lost my job, so I have the luxury of this sleep habit, but that obviously can't continue if I find something. And no, I don't think it's as simple as losing my job - this was a problem months before. PS I drink very little coffee (some days none) and don't smoke, I don't think it's simply a "physical thing." And in terms of dealing with this loss, as I say, I feel I'm regressing. Anyone else have this?

I'm sorry for all of you. I am quite tired of this figuring out how to live alone stuff too. I had my share of that before we met and had no interest in going back to it. Eating alone. Shopping alone. Chores alone. #@$ near everything alone. Talking to my dog who needless to say looks at me patiently while I imagine him thinking "whatever." Thinking of some little inside joke we had but no one there any more to share it with. I so hate this.

I sit here frustrated as I'm not generally at a loss for words, but am right now - so I guess I'll just say thx for the comments and replies. Can definitely relate. I won't do the year 1 vs year 2 thing because I had a lot of things going on other than the loss itself since then, such that those 2 years are very diff. anyway. But I can appreciate what everyone is saying. I think it's because the realities of this are starting to really sink in. Early on we perhaps kids ourselves a little and deep down think maybe it isn't really true (even though we know it is) and we'll wake up soon - but as more time goes on, that reality that this is just that - reality - starts to take hold.

Hang in there all, my sympathies to you.

Thank you all for the replies. I wish I had something helpful to add but frankly I don't. I wish you the very best holiday you can have.

All, hoping you are doing OK all things considered are are making it through the holidays, esp those of you doing it for the first time without your loved one. Last year was my first and there are no words. Just thought I'd throw this thread out to discuss or offer thoughts, ideas etc.

Lina, I don't want to scare you but do want to warn you...my sister's beloved dog Polly died from Pancreitis. Learn all you can about it and talk with your vet, if you haven't already, about what to avoid, etc. Polly couldn't have certain foods...on Christmas she helped herself to some ham they had sitting on the table...thousands of dollars and a lot of pain later, she died. You will have to be vigilant about controlling Dudes diet.

Not to stay sidetracked on this too much on this but it bears repeating/emphasizing - some people think "if it's OK for people it's OK for dogs" - NOT true. Ham and chocolate in particular are 2 prime examples that come to mind that even in modest amounts can kill a dog. It isn't just about how much but what it is. Others include grapes and tomatos (and what I would hope are more obvious ones like alcohol - what kind of mental midget would give that, you'd think, but you'd be surprised). Ours almost died from simply chewing on a big ham bone that they actually sold in the grocery store and advertised for dogs! Pls be very careful about this and if you want to "treat" your pet now and then, do it with treats made for pets. Finally here's a link I found with a good recap I think. My .02 http://www.wikihow.c...-Your-Dog#Steps

Lina, as a fellow vet, I salute Arthur and hope Dude is doing OK - and most of all you are too!

I have been asked when I will start dating again.

It never ceases to amaze me how thoughtless and asinine people can be with such questions, well intended or not. I'll refrain from listing the possible responses my head is swimming with but "that's really none of your business" comes to mind as one of the nicer ones.

Lina so sorry, I know what you mean. Bottom line: take your life at YOUR own pace and what works for YOU. Nuts to anyone who says differently. When and if you want to consider another relationship, do so - no sooner, no later. It's your life, your situation, your call.

My thoughts and prayers to you......

Today. Dear God how have any of you survived this. It's almost like it's happening all over again. I may deserve this but I hate it all the same.

mik,

I'm so sorry. So much of what you said hit home hard, as we are on about the same "timeframe" of our respective losses. I am feeling much of it all flooding back on me as well. I wish I had some brilliant insight or more to say but offhand I don't, only that I'm thinking of you and wishing you comfort however you can find it.

Thanks all for the replies and best to you, esp on days like this.

Yes feel free to "join in." I'm sorry for you both. I'm half ashamed to admit I'm glad that day is over, though it did pick up later.

It would appear I'm simply meant to spend the bulk of the day crying.

I so hate this. All of it.

Well Mike's birthday will be the 19th, he would have been 65...that was our target date for our combined retirement. Now I am already retired, for a year, and it is just not nearly as good as it would have been to retire with him. This year his BD falls on Sunday, and a few close friends are coming over. I found a bottle of wine, cab. sav. with the brand name "Earthquake". That was his character name when he worked at "Dogpatch USA" (a local theme park in the 80s and early 90s) and he used it for a nickname from then on....so we are going to drink a toast to Mike on the 65th anniversary of his birth.....with Earthquake wine. I think he would appreciate it. This will be the third BD since he died, the first one, I did not want to see anyone, but it does get a little easier in time.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

Funny you mention wine, I bought a bottle of one of our fav's - I figure if nothing else I'll toast her. I admit I'd just as soon it be over though.

Widower,

What I did special was celebrate Ruth's life... I wanted to be alone but I worked that day then came home, had a small dinner

and cried, as well as prayed and spoke to her....

Sounds like my Valentines Day.

Thanks all for the replies. I'm just undecided if I want to do something (even if the above) or just try to get through the day.

Just wondering how some of you dealt with it, did you do anything special etc...

Lina, dear, you might find some useful ideas here as well: Tips for Coping with Sleeplessness in Grief ♥

That's an excellent link, but I must say some of them don't apply to me; I guess it varies. eg milk never made me sleepy, I sleep well after a full meal (but not certain foods like beef or greasy foods), a drink or 2 helps me relax at night and so get sleepy, and most of all never do I sleep on the other side of the bed. But again a lot of great suggestions in there. I found putting the TV on "sleep mode" (to turn off in say 30 or 60 mins) works well too, or similar for the alarm radio.

I used to use wine, lots of wine, but find that melatonin is a healthier choice.

It's a question of degree, I think. A glass or 2 of wine is actually good for you (red a bit more so) but too much - well too much of anything isn't good. And on occasions where I over-did it I learned that in more ways than one.

no other woman is interested to come so there is nothing for it but to do it alone as I am very interested in the trip itself.

A friend or family member isn't a possibility? Anyway, I agree, it will have its moments probably, but you might be surprised and get more out of it than you expect. If nothing else it's just good to get out and be active! Wishing the best for it -

Cheryl, exactly.....they were a life-saver for me when I first decided to stop being a "hermit" and get back out among the living. Most of my/our alleged friends bailed on me and I felt TOTALLY alone. It was like this built-in social circle and calendar of events. Granted more acquaintances then friends but made some friends from it too.

From another site:

Meetup.com

For those not up on it, it's a way via internet to connect to all kinds of local/nearby "clubs" of almost any conceivable kind. It's free to join and almost all the clubs are too. Occasionally they may ask a buck per "event" to cover costs of having the club on that site, but mostly that's it. Again there are all kinds of groups, including sometimes widow/widower groups and ones for socializing, dining out, most any hobby or activity etc. Obviously the bigger area you live in or near the more groups there are likely to be.

For what it's worth. Really, if you're feeling lonely, friends have disappeared etc etc, why not give them a try? There's nothing to lose.

The painting if anyone's interested: http://www.edvard-munch.com/Paintings/anxiety/scream_3.jpg

I'm sorry to all of you. Hearing stories like this and being earlier in the "game" worries me greatly. I can't keep this up.

Hope to reply more fully later but for now just want to say great replies all, each in their own way. This is why I come here. Well that and to rant. Hang in there, all of you. I think we're all pretty much in agreement on this one. If it feels right, why not? But if not, or if not ready, don't rush it. Certainly it's no "quick fix" (or "fix" at all) for grieving or filling that void.

PS I guess I should answer - I have no interest currently but think I will sooner or later. I know she can't be replaced to put it mildly, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. I've had way too much of that already. I'll settle for someone "good enough" if I must (within reason that is.......ie won't settle for just anyone).