missingdad

Hi Deb, my dad passed away 7 months ago. He did everything around the house for my mother. She did not want even drive, although she had her license. She has had no choice but to pick up the pace of her life and is doing quite well now (goes to the gym and yoga everyday. She does have many friends which I'm sure has helped. My wife and I live 10 min away and visit her. She seems to be holding it together quite well but it was not like this until 4 months after my dad's death. For the first 6 weeks she could not even sleep by herself. Her aunt slept with her. My dad was 63, I am 35. I can't be a parent to my mother as I have 2 kids of my own. My aunt told me that she needs to become more independent and do things herself. At first, I thought that was kind of rude, but realised it's the best thing for her. Losing a father sucks but does get easier with time. It hasn't even been a month for you so take it day by day. I wish you all the best.

Hi Beth, I too keep hearing that I should be moving on but it's difficult not to think about my dad often. I'm sure we'll get better with time but I will never be the same person. My perspective on many things has changed. I hope you have fun on your 40th. Miss Ngu, it's unfortunate that your friends don't call much. I do talk with my friends but not about my dad. I don't think it would help. I have to admit I have not been a good friend to my friends and cousins who have lost their fathers. My friend in dental school lost his dad when he was 24. I was 21 at the time. I never asked him about it (we were in school another 3 years after), never came up, I didn't know what to say. My cousins lost their dad in 2010 and I never really called to see how they were doing. When my friends or relatives are talking about their minor problems, sometimes I think "My dad died, why are you guys complaining." I realise it's my father that's gone and it is more of an issue for me than most other people. It's true, people always say "anything you need, don't hesitate to call", but it's our parents that are there for us all the time for anything. I've never thought of it that way Miss Ngu (that loneliness can be viewed in a positive light...). I think that's a nice way to look at it. I hope mother's day went well for you. I thought about my dad for much of the day. Thank you all

Hi Beth, I find myself thinking about my dad alone. People seem to go on with their lives. At certain times I feel like I am frozen and can't progress. I don't feel like I can just start talking about it to anyone. I'm not angry at anyone but I realise that that's the situation I'm in. I have to get through it myself. When I lost my dad 5 months ago, I felt like I lost a part of me. Nobody will love me quite like he did. Sometimes I think to myself "What did I do to deserve this?" People no longer want to talk about it. It's on my mind when I'm alone. It's difficult to come to terms with. My dad gave so much. I keep up a strong face too because a conflict will arise if I show it. My daughter's birthday is coming up but I'm really not into celebrating at this point (but will anyway). Birthdays, anniversaries, graduations are not important to me, not since my dad passed. They just serve as reminders that he is not there. I don't think you're bringing anyone else down. Thanks for listening/reading.

Hi Miss Ngu, I wish you peace on Mother's Day. I do have friends who have lost their fathers a year or more before my dad passed. I'm pleased that they have all recovered and seem to be doing well. I have not talked about it with my wife for the last 2 days and that's ok as it's not helping anyway. I really do feel that nobody understands what I'm going through (except people on this forum). Sadly, I feel like I don't have a complete family anymore. The comfort I got from my dad was great. I have lost one of the closest people to me, one of the closest ever. Some days I really can't believe it. We're picking up his ashes in the next week or so. Sometimes I think I should be over it now (it's been 5 months) and I'm 35 yo with a wife and 2 kids. I had a vivid dream with my dad in it last Sunday night. It was the happiest I felt since his death. I even felt good after I woke up and realised it was just a dream. In fact I am still happy because of that dream. Thank you for sharing.

Hi Miss Ngu, I too view people differently. When I speak with my friends, my dad's death never really comes up - and I am totally ok with it. It's been 5 months since he passed and my wife is fed up with my complaining about his death. She says I should be grateful for everything else I have but that's not good enough for me. No one has your back like a good father. He was my biggest fan. I have realised I have to get through this myself and feel the sadness, despair, anger... etc in it's entirety. I too feel bad for complaining when I know I'm lucky. I feel like my life was perfect with him in it. Father's day will probably be a difficult day. I can't believe how much of my time is spent thinking about my dad each day.

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my father in Nov 2011 and will miss him forever. I am 35 and can't imagine what you're going through. Believe that it does get better with time. Wishing you and your sister peace and happiness.

Thank you. That's exactly what it is - I'm not in control of my thoughts and emotions all the time. This is the hardest thing that I have ever gone through. It does put alot into perspective. I was thinking about buying a new car before my dad passed, but now I couldn't care less. I definitely feel cheated as well. Everyone says be grateful for what you have, but that's easier said than done. You're right, we need to feel what we need to feel and it's not fun. Hope you have a good week.

I'm sorry to hear about your niece. I am glad he got to see me graduate, get married, have kids etc... It does feel too soon though. I don't think there is ever a good time to lose a father. I am doing much better than the first month, but like u said the hurt still kicks me in the gut from time to time. Those that love me think I should be almost 100% now, but that's not the case. I'm slowly getting there. I hope your doing better on Sat the 14th.

I am starting to think it's better not to have an anniversary every month. I am the only one in my family that remembers the 24th of each month. I miss my dad so much as well. I also feel that others think I should be more over it. Everyone has a unique relationship with their dad. He was the one person that helped me right away with any problem I had (big or small). He was my biggest fan. There is no other person that can fill that gap in my life. My thoughts are with you and all others grieving.

Thank you so much Beth. I feel better from being on this forum. I'll try to spend some time each day to think and reflect on the situation. I am a dentist and I have no problem concentrating at work (staff and patients are great). It's other times I can't stand and I feel myself becoming angry, but less so in the past 2 weeks than the month before. I do enjoy spending time with my kids (2 and 4 yr olds) and playing sports. Before my dad passed, I felt like I had a perfect life and now it's gone. If things don't improve by the 6 month mark I will get counselling. My thoughts are with you as well. Good luck in your studies.

Thank you for your thoughts, they're much appreciated. We just got back from vacation and I thought about him much of the time. I just can't believe the magnitude of the effect my dad's death has on me.

Thank you Miss Ngu for your reply. It really helps to post and read other posts. We had a party for my 2 yr old a few weeks ago. It was very difficult not to have my dad there. My wifes mother and father were there. My friends are great but I want to be able to feel ok when around extended family. I think about my dad all the time, he was the best grand parent. I have dreams of him often, good dreams, not nightmares. I felt my life was going so well before he passed. I'm doing ok, I can function day to day, but I want to have that zest for life back. I will try to be gentler with myself. It really does feel like a new life. I'm glad your making the right choices for yourself, I hope I can bring myself to that level ASAP. I haven't said anything I regret to anyone yet (I'm not planning on it). Thank you for sharing.

My dad passed away in his sleep 4 months ago from a heart attack. I just can't seem to enjoy life as much as I used to. I find myself getting angry all the time. He was 62. I feel that it is very unfair. I have 2 young daughters (I don't think they remember him much anymore). I feel so alone. My dad did so much for me. I'm 35 yrs old and this is the hardest thing I've ever gone through. My mom and brother seem to be doing ok. For the passed 2 weeks I have been feeling very angry. I feel as if I am pushing my wife away, but at the same time I feel she should understand my anger. I want to feel happy again but just can't. I have a great career, house etc. but find this loss to be very devestating. I broke down and cried a few days ago. Can't seem to shake this negativity.