kolea52

Thanks to Everyone. I'm feeling better. Finally began BCG (sort of chemo) for my bladder cancer and had no side effects so far. I had more fear than I realized I suppose because I feel much better. Maybe I won't be joining Steve and Attic Cat soon. In which case I need to begin moving down the 'life' path. All of your words helped. I especially appreciated your sensitivity in realizing my posting Atti's photo was step forward. I'm going to check out some other threads now. Aloha, Beth

That is my beautiful Atticus on a seawall at Kanoehoe Bay.

Thank you Mary, KayC and Fae. I feel welcomed. That's not really true - I don't feel much. Thank you for greeting me. You each have stories that previously would have made me wonder how you could still be functioning. But now I know how; you just do the next right thing. My challenge today is to get out of this chair and out of this house. Isolating is dangerous for me so I made a promise (to me) to get out and in the car and go somewhere everyday. I always feel better when I get involved in others' lives. Appointments in my day planner have saved my life by giving the illusion of purpose. There is nothing in it today so I have to make something up, even if it is a trip to the post office. Which, now that I think about it, I actually need to do. Here's something for those of you who may not know the Hawaiian culture: people give money in sympathy cards at the Celebration of Life. Because of my cancer Steve's memorial was delayed until March so I'm still writing thank you notes. It is awkward to thank people for money. It is not unusual to have that much time pass before the service. It was nice to not be in the first days of mourning and anxiety. Usually it is followed by scattering the ashes from an outrigger canoe but I haven't done that yet. I had the ashes divided and will have a service with his family in MO in July. Thanks again. I now know what my purpose for today is. Beth

This is my first time on any forum. Your post spoke to me. When my husband was diagnosed with lung/brain cancer my world wobbled. Whan he died 2 mo. later the Universe shifted and I don't expect it ever return to the way it was. I can't un-know what I now know. Some of what I know is positive. I am much stronger than I ever imagined. I can let people help and even, on occasion, ask for help. The most amazing thing I learned was that people want to give and give of themselves. I don't think I began looking for catstrophe but it certainly seems to be following me. I'm not looking but am no longer surprised when I see how out of control my life is. How little power I have over anything. One month after my husband's dx my doctor called and told me there were cancer cells in my urine. Four days later our cat was hit by a car and died in my arms. A month after husbands death (Dec. 26, 2012) my brother died of the same illness. I feel beaten down and resigned to whatever is going to happen next. My bladder cancer will respond to BCG or I'll be wearing a bag outside of my body. Some other terrible thing will happen or it won't. It's hard to believe this is my life. I am participating in life, working with Hospice, seeing my regular therapist, about to join a cancer support group and have an incredible support system of women. I haven't given up exactly. I am looking forward to the next shift you mentioned. It is still early and I'm not pushing myself - just putting one foor in front of the other. Thanks for letting me share. I may get shy and not be so vocal but I'm glad you are out there. Aloha