Jenna2

I'm not really sure what you're hoping for here, if you just want understanding or if you want to learn from your past mistakes. I hope you realize that whether or not you resume a relationship with your ex or not does not lay with you, but him. We can't change or control the other person, but it is important that we respect them and their boundaries.

What do I want? I want to (a) stop the hurt, (b ) get on with my life, and ( c) if possible, get back together with him (unlikely).

I realize that if he hasn't changed his mind about not wanting me, there's nothing more I can do (except perhaps pretend).

Threatening suicide can be a form of manipulation that is really unfair to others. It's trying to make others responsible for the outcome of our life, when really, only we are responsible for that. If you truly felt suicidal, the best thing to do is to seek professional help asap.

I wasn't trying to manipulate him, I was just saying how I feel. Although that was rather a long time ago.

If you are without a job for a year and no desire to look for one, that's an indication of depression,

Is the Pope Catholic?

Is it possible that the relationship wasn't as wonderful as you might have thought, but rather that you didn't see the problems in it?

From my point of view, it was fabulous. But no, I didn't see the problems in it.

Thank you, kayc and Pollara, for your kind words.

BTW, kayc, I love your sig line. It's how I feel about Ben.

Jenna

Hi everyone,

I'm new here on this forum. I've been dealing with my own personal loss situation for quite some time, and I decided I needed the support of a group like this.

I'm going to tell this story in seven parts, and wait a few days between parts, so each can be discussed individually.


PART ONE

I met Ben at a weekend campout arranged by a social group we both belonged to. It was love at first sight. From the moment I saw him, I wanted to be near him.

We enjoyed many of the same things. In particular, he had this special way of treating me that I absolutely couldn't get enough of! He seemed to know exactly what I wanted and all I had to do was let him do it. We rarely discussed our plans for what we would do when we got together; whatever he wanted to do he just did it and I went along with it, thankfully.

It lasted a glorious year. Then he pointed out I wasn't giving him what he wanted and I knew it was true. Having Asperger's Syndrome, I have always found it difficult to recognize and respond to the needs of others -- I wanted to give him what he craved, but was mostly clueless about how to go about it.

It got worse and worse after that. He started pulling back, and I started to desperately hold onto what was slipping away from me. Finally he broke it off, and I was devastated.

I cried myself to sleep every night for a week, and not too infrequently thereafter. I was consuming Haagen-Daas by the quart, trying to find some relief at the bottom of a tub of vanilla.

I was working at temporary jobs, and when the job I was on ended, I didn't even bother to look for another one. I stayed out of work for over a year, only looking for a new job after blowing through my savings and becoming financially desperate.

I did all the wrong things. I told him how much I needed him, I begged for a second chance, I even hinted at suicide (I was considering it). He suggested we "be just friends", and I said no, because I wanted things to be the way they used to be. Of course, as a result, I gradually lost all contact with him.

Someone I told about this later asked me if there was a lot of arguing (I suppose that's common before a breakup) but I said no, it was more like he didn't want to see me any more, and I didn't want to live any more.

There was a private party some months later, and we both went (separately). There was something-or-other the hostess wanted to show us on her computer, in her bedroom, and some of us went in to see it. I remember he was sitting on one corner of the bed and I on another, and I ironically thought, this was going to be the last time we would both be in the same bed together. It turned out I would be right about that.

The above events are not exactly recent. I'll reveal how long ago they happened in part four.

My next major post will outline what I tried to do after losing him.

Jenna