SadMellyDelly

Pollara, yes you should move your needs aside because as kayc has said numerous times, this is a very selfish/self-centered time for people who are grieving. Why shouldn't they be selfish? I know if I ever lost either of my parents I would be an awful mess and not want anybody or anything around except for the parent whom I lost. Nothing else would matter in the world except them. Maybe I'm the crazy one but I see nothing wrong with this behaviour. At all. Like I said before, how can we expect them to keep our heart whole when there's has been broken into a million pieces? I just don't get why it's so hard to understand? In the very early stages I was also quite confused but instead of just searching for stories on relationships that have ended due to death, I read story after story of people who have lost a parent and the pain and suffering they feel, even years down the road. I get it. I totally 100% get it. I hope my guy is doing whatever he needs to do to get by. I knew I couldn't be there for him and I knew he couldn't be there for me. Fred, you need to just leave her alone. If she turns to her two best friends to get her through this, amazing. If she goes and dates 10 guys to fill the void in the interim, that is awesome too. We have to respect their wishes and respect what they need to do for themselves just as we need to get out there and do for ourselves. My life isn't on hold. I went away this past weekend and met an amazing guy and am having such a great time talking to him and making plans to get together. Am I in a rush? Goodness no. It's all great fun. Do I still think about my guy? All the time :-) but when I think of him I am full of joy and happiness. I smile whenever he crosses my mind which means I'm a very smiley girl lately! I always tell people I adore him to pieces but it wasn't our time. If he were to approach me in the future (when and if he's ready) to date again and if I was still single, I'd welcome him with open arms. Until then, I am living my life, having fun, letting him go with deep love and just letting God guide me to wear He wants me to be and where He wants me to go

Fred: What I am about to say may not make you happy but I refuse to sugarcoat when it comes to situations like these: you seem to be incredibly pushy and it looks like you're making this more about yourself and your "crushed" heart rather than about her. She has told you several times to give her space yet you continued to message her about the relationship and even contacted her friends and tried to relay messages through them. She is very overwhelmed right now and doesn't need this stress. You are adding to her stress. There is no hidden meaning behind her "give me space" "I don't want to see you face to face", it is what it is. She doesn't want you around. You aren't going to get a logical explanation right now because she isn't logical right now and to be quite honest, she doesn't need to give you one!! Let her focus on herself. She just lost her dad, the one who has loved her unconditionally all her life. She doesn't need to nor should she worry about you and the relationship. I'm sorry for being harsh but I keep reading these messages from you. She does not want you. Maybe doesn't want you right now, maybe will never want you again! Oh well. Such is life. Let her go with love and start worrying about YOUR healing. If from a year from now you're still single and she approaches you, then you can discuss the relationship... But only if SHE brings it up. But you have to stop being so overbearing. I am even sensing it through your messages and to be quite honest I even shake my head at some of the things you're doing. Please let it GO

You NEED to leave her alone and give her space. Please. If you love her as much as you say you do, please stop messaging her/contacting her friends/having people pass on messages. She has already told you she doesn't have the energy for you right now. You will push her to the point of no return if you keep this up. Now is the time to focus on you.

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Pollara: Only he knows why he isn't responding. Nobody can answer that for you unfortunately. Maybe he doesn't want to message you because he doesn't want to get your hopes up? Maybe he's not ready to give you what you want and he knows he has already hurt you so much? Maybe after the death he put his life in perspective and didn't see you in his future? Nobody knows. I do know one thing: there are no time limits on these things. Everyone grieves differently. Maybe they let others come around them because there are no emotional connections involved with them? Please don't let this effect your trust in people. It's not like he cheated on you or assaulted you. This is a very special circumstance. And to follow up on the negativity of "from my experience, nobody gets back together after something like this": that's not always true. How many people will return to a forum for grief over a loss relationship if they have happily reconciled with a loved one? Not many. In my earlier days of heartbreak before I decided to "let go and let God" I happened across a couple of forums with actual happy endings. One woman was with a guy for 3 months, his mom passed and there wasn't much of a bond to keep the relationship going after that so they broke up... And got back together a year later. Another story there was a woman who was with a man for 3.5 years. Same scenario, he took a death hard and they broke up. Back together 7 months later. There was a woman who experienced both sides. 6 months in, bf loses his mom. They took a breather (not sure for how long) and he showed up on her doorstep. 4 years later, she loses her mom and she tells him she has nothing to give to the relationship so they go on a break. Barely spoke for 4 months and she started contacting him again. It happens. More often than we think. In no way am I trying to give false hope and I am a firm believer in moving on after a break up but you have to let go of any and all resentment you might feel to your ex. Law of attraction for those who don't believe in God. You get back what you put out. Why would someone want to come back if they feel that person might still be angry at them? Let go with love. Don't be angry at them. Close your eyes and say (from your heart) "I forgive you fully for ...." And then say "I hope that you can forgive me for ....". I'm not saying this will make your ex come running back to you but with love and forgiveness in your heart you have a better chance of attracting a stronger more "ready" ex back into your life or someone even more compatible for you

Hey CoCoa and welcome! Even though these aren't the most welcoming of situations at the moment. I understand your pain and hurt. We all do. But what you have to realize is his pain is way deeper. He did you a favour by calling the relationship off as soon as he did, probably because he knew he wouldn't be able to offer you what you deserve at the moment. Very very brave and strong man he is . If he is telling you he needs time/space, give it to him. Don't pester him. That will do more damage than good. He is very emotional/sensitive right now and anything that he takes as disrespecting his wishes will set him over the edge. Like I said above, let them grieve/heal in whatever way THEY want to. If he wants to go out with his friends and not invite you, so be it. The quicker they deal with the grief their way, hopefully the quicker they will heal. He clearly thinks very highly of you with the lovely words he used to describe you. Take that, lock it in your heart, and "let go with love". Let him go for now with love in your heart. If you get a chance at reconciliation later, you don't want to look back with animosity and resentment. I know that when I think back on everything I experienced with my guy in a short time, I smile. I do not have a single negative thing to say about him. I "let go with love". This is SO important. It's not about "how could he reject me/do this to me/disrespect me" etc etc etc. I think the majority of the time they don't really understand what they are doing right now because they are grieving. Basically we aren't important right now. And you know what? That's OK! What they are going through right now is WAY more important. It's time for us to stop being so selfish and thinking "how COULD he?!". No no. It's "How could WE be so damn selfish and worry about where our relationship is going at this point". Let's worry about ourselves right now and focus on becoming the best we can be. P.s. CoCoa you made a mention of praying that things would go back to the way they were. Things will never go back to the way they were. That person you fell for is forever changed but that doesn't necessarily mean that the person who he will become after all is said and done won't be just as amazing stay strong and God bless you

And here is some food for thought: when someone experiences such a devastating loss, a lot of the time they will look for something to fill that terrible and painful void. Sort of like being a drug addict. There comes a time when that drug doesn't do what it's "supposed" to do anymore and that void doesn't seem to be getting any better. The addict then moves on to something stronger/different to achieve that "high" or to "feel better". If we try to stick it out and be strong for our partners after they have suffered a significant loss , we run the risk of unconsciously doing more harm than good. In their devastated state, you might not be making them "feel better" so they might assume it's your fault why they are still sad. If you are still in the early stages after a death, give them that space. Don't make it about the relationship. The relationship is probably the last thing on their mind at the moment. Let them know you are around if they need to talk. Don't offer help. Let them ask for it (especially if it's a guy. Us ladies know how they can be). They are the ones that are supposed to be the "problem solvers". Let him work it out in any way he deems fit. Don't intrude. Don't pressure. Right now it's all about THEM. They have every right to be selfish right now for as long as they need.

Thank you, kayc! I believe God has a lot in store for you considering all of the well thought out advice you provide to people looking for help.

Thank you for your response. He finally messaged me yesterday and explained to me that since the almost 2 months since his mom's death, he hadn't been himself, which is obvious. He told me his work performance has been suffering, that he has "lost the fire in his belly" and that he has been pushing away others, not only myself. He said that he has started the process to slowly start climbing back up. I admire his strength and optimism, but I feel like he is on a delusional false "happy high" right now and it is only going to lead to vast "highs" and severe "lows". He also started agreeing with the break up and giving me really silly reasons as to why it wasn't going to work out anyway. When he started with that speech, I stopped him and told him "I understand what you're doing right now. You're trying to validate why you're pushing people/me away by making up reasons that don't even make sense. I get it. I do it all the time due to my fear of commitment and losing those closest to me. You make up all the excuses in the book why it won't work out so you have more reasons to push them away. Don't do that. Don't be me. It's very lonely being me sometimes. You are stronger than that. Those same people that you are pushing away are going to be the ones you will need the most when the time calls for it" To which he replied "Thank you. I appreciate that. I am trying to work on that". I know he still has quite aways to go until the fog starts clearing a bit. I see it in the way he talks. It is totally not the same person and I knew that person was going to be gone as is the relationship we had. I am ok with that. I ended it when I did to salvage the great times we had so that if we do reconcile in the future, we won't look back on animosity and resentment that would have been created if I had stayed with him and pushed on. I think I have the "edge" on a lot of people in this aspect in that I took myself out of the picture when I saw it starting to turn sour and didn't push myself on him. I knew he wouldn't be able to give me what I deserve in a relationship at this point and I knew I couldn't offer him what he needed right now. Nobody can. What he needs is his mom and she is gone. He is going to have to find what makes him happy within HIMSELF. I have faith in him. I know he will do it. For now, all I can offer him is support when he needs it/asks for it and continue on with my life. I will still keep hope alive in my heart because so many people don't have that nowadays and I believe this is why a lot of the world is so miserable. I will not ask anything from him. I am giving him complete and total space to figure this out himself because NOBODY can figure it out for him. I hope one say he fully understands that I did this for him and possibly for "us". I pray that all of you forgive the ones who broke your heart. I know I have. Just keep in mind that someone can't keep your heart whole when theirs has been smashed into a million pieces after such a devastating loss.

I am a 29 year old female who has been somewhat unlucky in love. My first ever relationship was extremely abusive (15 years told to 17) and it somewhat scarred me. I met a guy at 19 who showed me what love should be like but alas, that too ended because I was just too young and he wasn't all that great towards the end. I didn't fall in love again until I was 26 and met a guy 5.5 years older than I was. I fell and I fell fast. He was tall, good looking and seemed to have his together. I upped and moved from my city 45 minutes away to be closer to him. Well, he was a liar, deceiver and master manipulator and he really took me for a ride. We were together about 20 months but that relationship should have ended LONG time ago. But anyways I digress... May of this year I was at a terrible club with some friends dancing to some old school tunes and just having a blast. All of a sudden I get into a "dance off" with this adorable tall guy and we just have a blast. We were both drunk but just had a great time flirting and dancing. We even snuck a couples of kisses in here and there. He tells me he is 24 and I sort of cringed because of the age difference but I thought it was the start of something casual and fun. We exchanged numbers and we went our separate ways. It took a week and a bit for us to meet up and from there on we had an amazing connection. We had SO much fun and the physical chemistry was out of this world. We could both be ourselves with one another and loved every minute of it. He made me feel so amazing and so special but his age was always a factor at the back of my mind because I felt he wouldn't want what I wanted in the same timeframe. It was at this time I also found out that he was infact 23, not 24. This was further backed up by one of his close female friends who was dating his best friend. She told me that my guy wouldn't be ready in the "timeframe" that I had said I wanted a kid (5.5 years from now). It was a topic of discussion a few times and he would always say that people shouldn't tell him what he wants and he can speak for himself. The age issue wouldn't come up until he would do something that would showcase his immaturity (selfish at times). I also noticed that he would get weird when talking about his mom and would beat around the bush when I would ask about her. Finally, one month into the relationship, he admitted that his mom had cancer. I was taken aback. I didn't know what to say except apologize and offer my support. I also asked him if he was sure he had it in him to start a new relationshp right now considering that his mom was sick. He said he was sure of us but I started feeling nervous. I did not know how sick she was. 1 month after he told me about his mom and 2 months into our relationship, she passed away. I was stunned. I didn't kow how I should feel. Should I keep my tears in because we had only known each other for a short period of time even though our connection (I felt) was so strong? The day she passed I told him that I felt we should put our relationshp on pause now because I wanted his energy to be focused on his family and his mom's viewing/funeral only. I didn't want to be on his mind at all and I at the same time didn't want to feel "neglected" so soon in (selfish I know but it's hard at times not to think about yourself too). He fought me tooth and nail and wanted me around and said he wouldn't neglect me but if I didn't want to be there, he would understand because it's a lot to deal with. Heck, I had never even met him mom and the first and last time I would be meeting her would be at her viewing and funeral. It took a lot of soul searching but I decided to stand by him and be there for him during this time. The day of the viewing I was terrified. I would be meeting his family and most of his friends for the first time in such terrible circumstances. I felt so alone but knew I was there for him, not me. I sat off to the side so he could do his thing. AFterward, he asked if him and I could go for a drink to talk and have alone time. I jumped at the chance because we hadn't connected much since his mom had passed. His friends overheard and invited themselves along. I was upset because meeting everyone in this situation was already so overwhelming I just wanted to reconnect one on one with my guy to see if he was ok and as strong as the facade he was putting up. We had some words but got over it. We were both very stressed about situations and sometimes people lash out. The next morning at the funeral, I once again showed up and sat to the side. I was away from him enough to give him his space put within eyesight so he knew I was there for him. After the funeral he told me he wanted to have alone time with just me and "let loose". Once again I was gung ho for this because I wanted to just let him speak and get everything out. He calls me later and tells me that he made plans with his friends, family and myself to all hang out. I was done with the friends and family at that point. I didn't want to be surrounded by strangers anymore. I am terrible with death and have bad anxiety. I told him to hang with his friends and family and maybe we could chill the next day (Sunday). He started drinking and drinking and sadness don't mix. We once again had words that night with him telling me that all of my issues are insignificant compared to what he is going through. I told him I agree but that wasn't fair for him to say. He vanished. He diappeared until Monday afternoon. I was worried SICK. When he finally texts me on Monday I bust into tears because I had no idea what had happened. We talk for 6 hours in his truck that night and seemed to clear things up. He told me he went out of the city with his cousins because he had to get away from everything. I told him I get it, but he could have called/texted me to tell me that he wanted to run for a bit. From that day, his personality/attitude has taken a steady decline. My once happy and positive guy was lashing out and yelling and getting angry at little things. I knew this would happen. I brought it to his attention and he even apologized for it at one point because he could "feel himself" getting that way and he didn't like it. I told him it was ok to be sad, but angry was very confusing for me. He started backing away a bit (exactly what he said he wouldn't do) and we weren't really having us time anymore because the weekend after his mother's funeral, he begged me to let him help me move into my new place because it would give him something to do so he wouldn't think about his mom. We worked and worked and worked. There was nothing much else we could do. When he bent a nail that he was hammering, he would get mad and start swearing. When he was painting, he would tear up and start crying. I didn't know what to do. He didn't want to "burden me" with his problems so he kept everything to himself. It got to the point where 2 and a half weeks ago, I let my resentment take over me and I ended the relationship. I was mad that there was no communication. I was mad that he didn't let us just put our relationship on hold and I was now getting my heart broken. I knew his broken heart was a million times worse than what I could ever feel so that's not the point. We could avoided the extra anger and hurt but just backing away so he could have his alone time to grieve because him and his mom were close. I regretted it almost instantly because it was so rash and I tried to tell him that. He wanted to "give me my space" because he thought it was why we had ended. The next day he goes to a baseball game and gets wasted. We talk that night and he starts lashing out on me again and I try to say something and he responds with "shut up I'm talking". I broke into tears because I never thought my guy would talk to me like that. Not in a million years. The next day he asks me if we are ready to get back together. He tried to ignore the way he spoke to me. He responded with "Sorry if I was cold to you but I just had to explode". I think it went beyond his anger to me for ending it and had more to do with his mom. He refused to meet up with me and he was leaving that same week to go away for 11 days. We did not speak at all those 11 days and I apologized profusely about the rash break up. I was just so overwhelemd over everything that had happened so soon on and I had no friends to turn to because they couldn't give me advice about the situation as none of them have ever had to deal with something so soon. He came back a couple of days ago and we have spoken once since. And he is basically ignoring me now. I don't know what to do. I want to be with him but I also know he needs his time to grieve as it's been a month and a week since his mom died. I love him. So much. I want to save this but I don't want to talk about "us" right now because it has nothing to do with "us". It has to do with him healing. If you read this far, thank you so much. It feels good to get it out. Any advice?