KarenH

Sorry you're having a rough time today. Finding things unexpectedly can certainly open wounds. I found a letter Paul had written me that he tucked away in a financial folder. He knew I'd find it after he was gone. He actually aplogized for putting us through his illness. I wailed in anguish when I read it. But now, 8 months later I get it out and it comforts me. Your memories are so very painful right now, you have so much going on. I hope that someday they will bring you happier feelings. Thinking of you...

karenH

Dear Confussed,

So sorry for your loss. When you find that other world to disappear to, let me know where it is so i can come with you.

I know what it feels like to think treatments are working and suddenly find out they are not. Your world crashes in an instant. If you are finding comfort in another person who is letting you cry when you need to, in my opinion you are very lucky. Being so alone has been the hardest part for me. I haven't been alone for 25 years. You're right, your friends cannot know what you're feeling. People here do, though. It's a good place.

Karen H

Dear Jenn,

I am, of course, sorry for your loss, too. It has been eight months for me, and while my husband's death was not unexpected, it has been a very hard road. The hospice nurse told me at 1:00 pm that Paul's blood pressure and and pulse were getting so low it could be that day. He was gone by midnight. It was just the two of us...I had lowered the hospital bed all the way and butted it up to the couch. He died with my arm around him and I stayed that way for about 20 minutes with him...like you said, still warm. He looked so good, so at peace. I am also not good at showing my grief outwardly and have probably not been even this personal since I found this site. People tell me all the time that they see Paul in our son, and indeed there is a huge resemblance in looks and personality...even their interests. He keeps me going as well, and I know what you mean about paying the bills. I am fortunate to work for my son's school district so I'm always on his schedule, but it's hard to keep smiling for everyone else's sake. Hang in there and keep the faith...this is a great group of caring people. Come here often.

KarenH

I can honestly say that I feel GOOD today after a very depressing summer. I went to Northern Wisconsin to pick up my 14-year-old from camp who has been gone most the summer. (A life-changing experience for him.) Part of the reason I found you guys is I was spiraling into such depresion i had to find someone. It was so lonely and quiet, my house is usually a revolving door of teenagers and there was just no one around. I hated it. The teenagers are back..I've never been so happy to cook and do laundry in my life!

The drive was 5 hours each way and I listened to a fantastic book called "The Five People you meet in Heaven." I think there's a movie, too, but this book was inspiring. It was written by Mitch Albom (Tuesdays with Morrie) and was pure fiction, his own spin on what might happen in heaven, but the message was that you come to realizations about why things happend in your earthly life and how we are all connected in ways we never knew nor could we know. For me it was uplifting, a kind of spiritual affirmation that yes, I feel cheated that my husband died so young, but somehow it's part of a bigger plan that I may understand some day, even though today it seems so unfair.

Don't get me wrong, it's not a happy-go-lucky story. But I walked away with a little bit of piece after hearing it. The narrator does a wonderful job.

Just wanted to check in with a little bight news...we'll see how long it lasts.

KarenH

Dear Brooke,

How lucky you are to have your son. I feel the same way. I lost my husband eight months ago right after our son turned 14. How he had to see his father deteriorate was truly heartbreaking. He just got back from 5 weeks at summer camp and I can't tell you how happy I am to see him again, I was totally lost all summer with out both him and his dad. Children make the world go around, even if they are 6 feet tall (just like his dad)! Good luck to you...I know how scary it is. Keep the faith.

KarenH

Chrissy777,

My dear, you have been cheated in many ways. I don't quite know what to say, although I am thinking of you and hoping REALLY good things for you in future. What elese can a new friend do? Prayers, also.

My best wishes,

Karen H

Dear John,

Have a great getaway, I hope you can enjoy yourself. Check in when you get back, I will be anxious to hear from you. Sounds like we experienced some very similar tribulations. It doesn't bother me a bit that you're gay...who am I to judge? I went to my senoir prom with a gay black guy, about gave my father a heart attack (he ended up having one anyway years later). No one could have been a better friend at the time. Lots of theater and make up! Enj

Enjoy Canada and "talk" to you when you get back.

KarenH

Dear Crissy777,

Thank you for responding to my post. I have felt so welcomed here. Congratulations on getting busy and doing a kitchen project. I am doing the same, only I have hired someone, building things is not a talent of mine. new paint on the cabinets, new countertops, a backsplash. I have a very small kitchen so not a big project.

I'm not sure what's going on with your dad, but I know how hard it is to deal with medical problems so soon after a loss. Seven months into my grieving my 94 year old grandmother who has out-lived everyone in the family except me (I'm only 48) has been in and out of the hospital 4 times in July. Summer in ICU has been my life for 4 years.

Hang in there...cherish that baby. I so appreciate the new friends I have met here this past week.

karenH

Deborah,

Thank you for responding to my post. My birthday is Aug. 14 and I understand how you feel. However, my friends have planned a tennis outing and dinner which I think is so kind and generous i don't want to let them down. Tennis has been a huge stress reliever for me. I've played since I was a kid, but now i find that I can only think about that ball when it's in play and it takes my mind off things for a while and the exercise relieves a lot of stress. Just a quick birthday story for you...my husband could not drive or speak very well this time last year and had a friend take him to the jewelers. He said he looked all over the store and couldn't find anything he liked and on the way out he spotted a beautiful white gold cross with 3 tiny diamonds. When he gave it to me all he could say was God Help Us. We laughed together and knew it really was our only resort. i will always cherish that moment as I still cherish my life, painful as it can be. Celebrate your birthday...be good to yourself and know you were loved by someone very special.

karenH

Dear KayC

First, thank you for responding to my post. I, too, have been on a couple of job interviews since Paul died, I'm trying to get a position as a school librarian. Right now I am a special ed assistant...thank God for the benefits or we'd be broke right now. He was still alive when i started interviewing and even thought he knew how sick he was, he championed me along. I've had 2 since he died and it is very hard to keep the stiff upper lip, especially when there's no one to come home to and hash it all out. But YOU ARE A SURVIVOR! And you do crawl out of the covers and face the world. For 8 months every time the 10th of the month rolls around I'm a mess (tomorrow). Last month a friend of mine brought it to my attention that I had made a great achievement getting through the first 7. Her comment made me reflect back to how it felt 5 months ago, and indeed i have made progress. Not huge, but progress nonetheless. Positive thoughts, my friend, can be very powerful. I hope you get the position you are trying for.

KarenH

Dusky,

I read your tribute...how lucky we were to have found such love.

I responded to your posting, but I'm not sure I did it right so I'm trying here, too.

KarenH

Dusky,

Thank you for the list of Books, I'm actually reading The Power of Now at this time. I sure hope this message gets to you because I'm having a little trouble figuring out this website. Are we supposed to respond to people with the personal message or on one of their postings?

Paul's battle was both horrific at the end and valiant up until the last 2 weeks. He fought for 16 mos., most of which were pretty good. It was just such a roller coaster because we would get good MRI results and then suddenly they would be "suspicious." He did not like to talk about it much, which made it hard for me because I was either in denial with him or scared to death the whole time. I once told him that in the end I thought he had the easier route because he would be in the better place and I would be stuck having to go on without him. It made him sad, but i think he agreed with me, even though he did not want to die.

I took a leave from work to care for him along with hospice. He, too, lost control of his right side and lost his ability to speak but did not go blind. Amazingly, though, we managed to communicate...I gues after 25 years you don't really need words anymore. Actions and affection speak for themselves. But the frustration, oh my God, I'd love to be able to take back some things I said...but we are only human and the ultimate gift we get from God is forgiveness. Don't beat yourself up...a person can take only so much before cracking. I lost it when the incontinence set in, the man who swept me off my feet (literally sometimes) when I was 22 years old had become unable to care for himself. It was devastating.

I'm feeling pretty good today, not so good when I decided to post, but that's how it goes, the roller coaster continues.

Thanks so much for your reply, give me some pointers on how best to respond to people...I'm usually pretty computer saavy, but find this site confusing.

KarenH

Dear Karen H,

How I can understand what you are feeling. I was drawn to your post because you indicate you lost your husband of 25 years to a Brain Tumor. I too lost my partner (I am gay) of 27 years to the same dreadful disease. What you describe in your post resonates with me very strongly. My partner died on July 31, 2005 about 4 months before your husband. He was ill a total of 10 months and early on in this tragedy he also lost his sight. I saw this once strong and powerful person slowly lose his left side. He went from full sight to – blind – from being able to walk – to only being able to stand – to being bed ridden – all in 10 months. Some of the worst times for me know has trying to forget the devastation of the 10 month illness and watching someone you love leave you in bits and pieces.

The time since his death – now one year has been difficult. I can relate to the extreme period of loneliness and friends drifting from contact. You mention Journaling. That is one thing that has sustained me so very well. I write a lot – and I also write pomes and songs about the tragedy of this loss. I also read a lot. I think that you will find the writing to be a great comfort.

I have learned the power of forgiveness – as I had to find a way to forgive myself for the times when I lost my patience with Jack during the course of his illness. This has been a difficult task – but so essential to healing. I do not know how long your husband was ill – or how you dealt with the slow loss of his abilities – but I would be very interested in hearing more about your journey though that time. We seem to have a great deal in common – and I do feel it is healthy to be able to talk about it and write about it. Please share your experiences with me. I have so many stories I could write a book – and may.

I am going to share a list of the 40+ books I have read since Jack's death. They have provided me great comfort. See the list below – I hope this will help you some how. The book I am currently reading is very interesting – it is entitled “Letters to Kate – Life after Life” by Carl Klause. It is simply a series of letters (he wrote one nearly every day) to his wife after she died for the first year. I am now reading it after my first year has passed and it is amazing some of the feelings he describes and how accurately he details this grieving voyage. I would highly recommend this and many of the other books you will see listed below.

Here is the list:

Grief Bibliography

1. Surviving the death of your Spouse Livinson

2. Care giving * McLead

3. Grief’s Outrages Journey Caplan

4. Life and Loss Deits

5. Chicken Soup for the Grieving Soul Canfiled/Hanson

6. Wherever your go – There you are * Kabat-Zinn

7. Unattended Sorrow * Levine

8. Surviving Grief and learning to Live again * Sanders

9. The Mourning Handbook Fitzgerald

10. Healing your grieving heart Wolfelt

11. Life Lessons * kubler-Ross/Kesler

12. How to go on living when someone dies * Rando

13. A year to live * Levine

14. Letting go with love * Connor

15. The dying time * Furman/McNabb

16. Companion through the darkness * Ericsson

17. Don’t let death ruin your life * Brooke

18. A time to grieve * Staudacher

19. Too soon old too late smart * Livingston

20. The art of Forgiveness, Lovingness and Peace * Kornfield

21. Grieving mindfully * Kumar

22. When your Spouse dies Curry

23. Five good Minutes Millstine

24. Healing After Loss * Hickman

25. The Power of NOW * Tolle

26. Gay Widowers – life after the death of a partner * Michael Shernoff

27. A Journey through Grief Alla Bozarth

28. When Bad things happen to Good people Harold S. Kushner

29.The Grief Recovery Handbook * John W. James & Frank Cherry

30. Ambiguous Loss * Pauline Boss

31. The Precious Present * Spencer Johnson

32. Life after Loss * Raymond Moody & Dianne Arcangel

33. Writings to heal the Heart * Susan Zimmerman

34. The Grief Recovery Handbook * John James & Frank Cherry

35. When Bad things Happen to Good People * Harold Kushner

36. Stillness Speaks (have not read yet) Eckhart Tolle

37. In Lieu of Flowers * Nancy Cobb

38. The Other Side and Back * Sylvia Browne

39. Blessings from the Other Side * Sylvia Browne

40. Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow * Karen Casey

41. The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying * Sogyal Rinpoche

42. The Loss Of A Partner * Carolyn A. Walker

43. Life On The Other Side Sylvia Brown

44. Transcending Loss * Ashley Prend

45. The Heart Of Grief * Thomas Attig

46. Letters To Kate Carl Klaus

I would enjoy hearing from you and providing more detail of your journey through

This sadness.

My best to you,

John - Dusky is my handle on here

This seems like a very supportive group, although it's a club I know we all don't want to belong to. I lost my husband of 25 years to brain cancer last December right smack between Thnksgiving and Christmas. He was only 51, i am still in my forties and we have a 15-year-old son. It has been 8 months now, and while some things have gotten easier the big picture still hurts tremdously. For the first 6 months the phone rang constantly, friends inviting my son and I to all kinds of things and suddenly when school got out and people headed off on their family vacations, kids went off to camp (mine included) and life just became more unstructured the calls pretty much stopped. I try to stay proactive and contact people to do things, but being so young I don't have any widowed friends and hate to intrude on their time with their families. The lonliness is the worst part.

One thing I have done is start a journal where I write letters to Paul telling him what's going on in our lives. I also tell him how I feel and some pages have the stains of my tears, but in some strange way it helps make me feel like I'm still communicating with him. It's not an everyday event, just once in a while when i feel I really need it. Only problem ther is I never get any feedback. Hopefully here there will be more of a dialoge.

My son comes home from 5 weeks of camp this weekend, I can't wait to see him. Shortly after that he has a birthday, our anniversary, and the the dreaded holidays will set in. You'll probably be hearing me vent a lot when they arrive.

Well, that's my story...I feel for every single posting I've read today and can only hope that we can all work together to feel better. Thanks for listening.

Karen H