Fred79

Oh hell...I should have kept my mouth shut... I don't feel better, I feel terrible again. It was better yesterday...but today...nope....terrible. Also it keeps running in my head that those 2 best friends have a dirty role in all of this. I'm not saying they trash talk about me...but they definitely won't defend me or talk about me in a positive way. You know, they were the holy trinity...always together. And then there was me... Maybe now they want their friend back...for themselves. Pffff

Good morning everyone. I was up early...again....still can't sleep 1 full night without waking up and having increased heart beating, stress I suppose. However...it's getting better. You might all think ' waaaw, that's fast, was it real love, is it possible to get over real love so fast???'. Well, yes, that's me. I think I'm just quite extreme self-protective and realistic. There's no use in crying for something that's not going to happen. And that might sound very harsh but it's the truth, right? You are all trying to say me 'move on' and I'm just more open to that than the vast majority. It doesn't mean I'm all smiling again...I have these sad moments still quite often. Saturday I was on my motorbike to the sea coast to meet with a friend. While driving on the motorway I saw some parachute jumpers at the exact same site where we (girlfriend and I) were supposed to be Saturday. I had reserved such jumps for her as a birthday present. It made me almost cry which is not a good idea while wearing a helmet... Also this morning I'm a bit sad again... I think she really is not doing so well...maybe getting into depression and I want to help but I can't and I want to be there but I can't and I want to know how she is but I can't ask....pffff Anyway, I think I made some kind of 'click' in my head Friday when 1 of her 2 best friends was texting me to leave her alone. Well, that got me mad. And getting mad is good for the healing process I discovered. I was really serene and calm when answering but I was thinking 'what the hell are you interfering with...this is not up to you...and certainly it's not up to you to judge me'. Being egocentric and not being self-critic...don't talk trash about me please. Those are the friends that I hugged 2 weeks ago and thanked them for being such a good girlfriend for my girlfriend and being such a great support. I thanked them and asked if I could do anything. I was even planning on giving them a weekend away at Belgian sea coast. A nice hotel for a weekend for my girlfriend and the one friend that stayed over every night. They had been talking about doing that and that would have been a gift just for being there for my girlfriend. And these same persons backstab me now??? I felt betrayed. And it made me mad, if you want to do that are you egocentric then??? SadMellyDelly, I'm sorry, but I completely disagree with you. Even reading your reply made me kind of mad too. Let me say I appreciate your reply, as all others. It doesn't mean I have to agree with it of course. First of all, I think if you come here, make the effort of registering, reading and posting...then you're really in love. I guess you wouldn't go through all that trouble for a fling or just someone you weren't sure of in the first place. And as Pollara says if a relationship ends because someone passes away I believe the vast majority of the people getting dumped is the griever....their partner can't live with the continuous grieving or feels the griever has changed ever since. Which is not our case. We would do anything for our loved one. Anything to help. But they don't want us to, don't allow it. When I replied to her text I indeed wrote that I was heartbroken but I added some line that I didn't mention yet. << All of this doesn't even matter to be honest. The only thing I want is that you get better. Even if it's without me...>> So, although relentlessly, I am putting myself aside. Very egocentric right???!!! Why do I disagree with you? Why was I a bit mad? It feels like I'm being judged. I'm 'wrong' for asking about us, I'm 'wrong' for texting and contacting her. I'm 'wrong' for this and 'wrong' for that. Why???? There is no right and wrong in these cases. Me being myself...is that wrong? Why? Me trying to be there for her and trying to help wherever I can, is that wrong? It might not be what she needs right now, and I agree now she has no energy for whatever, can't see things in perspective and so on... The things I did were intuitive and I intended to do good. Nothing but good...so why is that wrong? I talked with a good friend on Monday. She has lost her father too and when she heard what I had done she stated I would have been the perfect support for her. She needed someone to organize trips, took her to places, made her do things...I would have done the perfect things for her. So how can I be the perfect support for 1 person and be 'wrong' for the other with doing the exact same things. There is no right or wrong...just different characters, different personalities. All I can conclude is that we got along real well in normal life but our personalities became too different in this grieving period. In normal life she was very closed and I was very open...but we both needed to move a bit to the other side. A so we did it. She made me calmer cause I'm all energy all the time. She had a calming effect on me. And she became more open. Yin and Yang...that kind of stuff. But with her father passing away, she closed down again completely...extremely. And I became after a week or so my energetic self, trying to text her and help her and be there for her all the time...when she didn't want that at all, not now. To overwhelming. Till it bursted... Then again...as you all know now, I'm not the most patient guy around. And even so I tried to be, that's not me. Is it good to be someone else all the time? I don't think you can keep up with that. And even so, look at Pollara, she has been extremely patient and the outcome was the exact same thing... SadMellyDelly says let it go, let your partner date, let them be happy... Sure, I want everybody to be happy. Really. There's no hatred in me. But I don't live at home with everybody. I live with me! And I'm not happy now. And she lived with me too and she's not happy now either. And we were happy before. Isn't it normal you want to go back to that period? I want that back. And I don't feel I'm wrong for thinking that way. And not egocentric either. If you're happy and OK with letting it go...that's fine for you. That's not wrong, that's not right, that's just because you have a different character... Well, She's supposed to call me this morning. Some more explanation. I don't know if she's going to call... I don't know what to expect. We'll see. Keep you posted.

Well, it made me feel good for some hours... My feelings got crushed 30 minutes ago. She wrote that message this morning...about 6 hours ago. I replied that I was really glad she contacted me. That I tried to understand her and I realized it must be extremely hard for her. That for that reason I wasn't mad or disappointed in her but that didn't mean my heart wasn't completely shattered. That I had hundreds of questions but I wouldn't contact her again and that Monday was OK. 30 minutes ago I received a text from 1 of the 2 best friends. Please don't contact her anymore. She will call you on Monday. I was surprised as I only replied on her text and nothing after that for 6 hours. I texted the girlfriend that I hadn't and would wait but WTF was going on??? Did everybody start to hate me all of a sudden. She said: I was just double checking. She made her decision, respect it and one good piece of advice, stop being so egocentric in your next relationships... What??? I know I'm a Lion as zodiac sign and such people like to talk about themselves and be in the middle of the attention but...we're (at least I am) very generous at like to please others as much as possible. And so I said....that always I have tried to do my best for her and acted from a point of view to distract her or relief her. She replied: It's hard to reason with someone with no self-criticism.... What, another dagger in my heart....what is going on? Does all of the world suddenly wants to destroy me? Is all bad about me??? I try to life with respect for everyone. There's no reason for me to be boastful about myself here, you don't even know me. I know I'm sometimes quite direct and sensitive people can see this as rude or arrogant but I mean no harm at all, on the contrary. To give an example: she had a very nice body and I was always complimenting her about it. But she had a complex about her belly. Don't know really why cause it wasn't fat at all...ok, it wasn't flat as a piece of wood either but absolutely not bad. When she started complaining about it I said she was good for me as she was. If she repeated it I repeated she was good for her. Third time I said: OK, then go to the gym and work out every day... Apparently now I'm the insensitive one. Same thing with New York. As the flights were booked already with non-refundable tickets and we had chosen the hotel...I just booked the hotel. To relief her from those things. I thought that a trip after 2,5 months would do her good. Apparently now I'm the insensitive one and was egocentric to only think about my own trip... Am I really like that? Cause now I feel superbad about myself...like I'm not worthy of her. It feels like they want to destroy me....

Well, this morning I was working on my Mac and my iMessage icon flipped on... A message from her: << Hi, once again sorry for answering so late. I had some rough days myself. Like I said I'm not able to handle face-2-face yet but could I call you on Monday?>> Pffff....what now?

I know....I need to move on and respect her decision. But the decision is based on reasons outside of your power and that's hard. you know...I'm a positive guy and I know if I find someone new all these thoughts will disappear and I will be up to speed again. But for now I do care too much about her. I wish in the first place she'd be OK. And I can't force her in getting back together. And even if that would happen, I wouldn't be happy if she changed too much. You know, like evenings where she says nothing, being mad at me for no good reason...I hope not for her but is she's going to be able to be stable again...and if so...when? You're right Pollara, I'm 34, I don't want to wait for 1 year or longer and see no or very little progress. I want to be happy too. And yes, it is unfair. If she had sought support with her boyfriend I would have been there every second for her. I would have comforted her and very likely all this would have brought us even closer. This is the hard, but I realize it's even harder for her. She lost her father and in a way I'm convinced she doesn't want to lose me too. I can move on and although my heart is shattered and scarred now, I know it will heal. Her father is gone forever. And I'll do my very best to move on and maybe find someone new in the next coming months....because like you Pollara, it would be very hard for me to see her with another person first. I don't know what will happen, I don't know if she will want a boyfriend again...maybe she will never want a person close to her ever again as she could afraid of also losing that person. I don't know. The only thing I wish from her now is when she's let's say not OK, but better and ready to reason, then I would like a good talk with her. And I think she will do that. I'm quite convinced she'll allow that. Especially if now I do leave her alone. And we'll see. 99,99% chance all will remain the same but I just want some more explanation, I want some answers.... And 0,01 % by then and by seeing me again something might grow again between the 2 of us. But I think I have to be realistic. Pollara, I do think you living in another country has nothing to do with it. I live very close by. 10 minutes by car and I'm there. But she kept me distant anyway. It felt like I lived 1000 km away. And yes, that's hard. My brother in law also asked her if a surprise visit by me would cheer her up. She said no, I want to be left alone. So, being persistent as you say might have had the opposite effect. Yesterday the girlfriend of her father sent me a text: I really think this is very unfortunate for you. On the other hand I know your girlfriend thought this through and did this not impulsive. It's clear she has no energy left to put in a relationship and it's better she has let you know this eventually. The way how she did it, I think the recent events have a lot to do with this of course. I think you better let her go now. Not easy but please respect her choice. Take care. Well, isn't that proving she breaks up because she has no energy left and prefers to stop me from being hurt now than take this further till who knows when. I believe so. Although that's a very small comfort. I hate the fact that some say the biggest clichés around now: there are more fish in the see. WTF, that's not want I want to hear now. I know that. And I certainly hope I may come across some person that makes me forget about her, or at least not think about her every day. I'm going to change my cell background not to think about the happy times all the time. Although it was only 2 months...it were 2 fantastic months. As I said the best ones I had in the last 5 years. And now, I have to start all over again. I want children too...really I do, and I don't want to be an old dad. And I want children with someone I feel really good with. And she was such a person. I don't believe in the concept of 'the one'. I think there are hundreds or thousands or even ten thousands of 'ones' for each person. You only have to find one of them. And she was one of them... It makes me very sad to let her go. UI don't want to but I know I have to. There's no future here. And it will only make me feel worse if I keep on believing it. But I have to wait some more time anyway.... Before I can leave this behind me I want to have our chat. And I know I cannot rush this. I have to wait till she's ready for it. Because only if she's ready she will be able to give me the answers I want. So, although I want to move on, I'm doomed to wait again...

I guess you're right. But that doesn't mean I like it. I guess there's that 1 question that will keep driving me crazy. What if.... What if her father just lived till he was 90??? Would all have worked out? I was so happy these last 2 months...happier than I have been in the last 5 or more years... Why did this happen to me....

And then there's my positive character that kicks in. I can't help it, I always try to look at things in a positive way and believe people have nothing but good in them. She does it quick and dirty, right? My life, your life, not our life. That's cruel!!! All say so. Even people who try to understand her point of view say this is harsh. This is nothing like her. Or I have been immensely wrong about someone for the first time in my life. So 2 possibilities: 1) she means what she says. She has been feeling bad about our relationship all the way and wants to cut it off. In that case she has been playing games for 2 months. If so, well played madame cause I didn't get it. I know I'm always the enthusiast guy in the relation and there's always a chance I'm not seeing I'm far more in love than the other one. But as I told you I went through all our text messages. Texts as 'you're truly the first guy that's so sweet for me, the first one to be so respectful.' 'I'm truly happy now and want to do all in my power to make you happy too' 'I don't want another guy, I'm extremely happy with my guy'....this proofs I wasn't the only one thinking in this way, right? Especially if the week after her father died she wrote my friend's wife to check if I was OK. That she loved me to pieces but was facing a real hard time and didn't have the time nor the energy to be there for me. Well if these were all games and she has been lying all the time about her true feelings....bravo. If really she wasn't sure about us she has a talent for acting. If this is the truth, then I should be happy that it's over, another scar on my heart but I'll survive and the best is yet to come. 2) She really is as I think she is. She's in the twilight zone now, she has no clue what's going on. She's not thinking in a rational way. Has no control over her feelings. And so she doesn't know what to say, what to think,.... Also she doesn't know what to do about me. She knows I try to do my best, she knows I'm hurt by not seeing her. She knows I cry a lot about her. And that hurts her, she's hurt for me being hurt and she doesn't want that. She feels bad cause she can't leave me in her life now. She wrote this in a message last week. Literally saying: I want you to be a part of this but I just can't and I feel bad about that. Also she caring about me by asking my friends if I'm OK,....saying them she still loves me but has no room for me now...I just can't believe she's playing games. On top of that I told you she always think about others first and in the last place about herself. Well, what I believe: that she knows I'm hurt and she doesn't want me to get hurt. She doesn't want me to wait as she can't tell me how long it will take. She knows I'm looking for answers and she can't give them. She fears more waiting will hurt me more. She said: I don't want to push you away. But I just don't know how to behave. I'm scared of hurting you. Therefore she puts her own feelings aside and breaks off the relation. She thinks this will hurt me one more short period and then I will get over it where waiting will hurt me more and longer. Besides, she hasn't given any reason at all for breaking up with me. Am I trying to get my hopes up? I don't know but I believe not. I believe I'm right with option 2. Only thing now is.....what should I do?? Please help. Fred

I woke up at 4 AM again this morning, unable to sleep again. My heart was pumping like a maniac. Still 1 moment I was crying, next I was whistling....what is wrong with me. I'm a stable person normally... I don't know what to feel. I wrote her a impulsive email back....stupid of course. <<Nooooooo Please don't do this. I was with friends of mine yesterday, friends who know me very very well. They had tears in their eyes because they were touched. They never saw me this way, they realized I found the 'one', the one I would do anything for. They know how hard it's for me to not contact you and leave you alone, but still I did it to respect your wish. I would do anything to respect you and get back what we had, once you're ready for it. I've read all our text messages yesterday...ALL. 11.000 in 2 months!! I can't say how many times I came by texts you wrote me saying 'you're the sweetest', 'thank you for your patience', 'I realize you're completely different than my previous boyfriends and you're the first to respect me'. I didn't change, I'm still the same person. I love you soooo much and would do anything for you. I respect you don't want to meet face 2 face yet. But can I please call you? Please? That's all I'm asking. >> Also I wrote her a text message << I respected all you asked for. Now there's only 1 single thing I ask you to respect: can I please call you this afternoon, please?>> No response, nothing. Oh hell, I could have lived with 'not now please, can we do this next week', but nothing at all. I feel like a piece of sh*t. I feel like I've been taken out, like garbage. Damn, that's the hardest part, am I nothing to her???

Hi guys, Well, another one bites the dust.... She broke up with me yesterday. In an email....God, how disrespectful is that??? Roughly it said: << Sorry for only contacting you know, I know that's not very correct. I had to let everything set in my head. I can't really add something to my email of last week, this is still the way I think and feel. I live in zombie mode and actually I'm refusing to take my normal life back up again. But with time, I'll get back on my feet. I appreciate your mail setting some things straight. Next to that I realize we can't keep doing this through mail. You deserve more explanation from me. And you don't deserve to be kept in the dark without knowing anything, I realize that too. My life has to continue and so does yours, therefore I think you currently deserve to know it won't be our life. And maybe now I'm the 'bitch' for doing this through mail, but I have to be stronger first to be able to talk about this face to face. Kiss >> Needless to say I was heartbroken yesterday. I felt truly like I've cut open my body and put my heart on the table when I wrote her my email last week. Now I feel like she let my heart rot for 4 days and then stabbed it with a dagger. So yesterday I was with two friends discussing a business opportunity when I went to the toilet and got her mail. I read on the toilet that I was dumped....ooooooh, the irony. My friends tried to cheer me up. One moment I was laughing because of them, the other moment I was crying in their arms. It's so unfair...

Hi, I think Pollara means people can be so disappointed in their own outcome of a relation break-up that they feel to convince others with a similar relation-crisis this will be the case for them too. Like "don't do any efforts, it will end in a break-up anyway, so protect yourself from getting hurt even more" So thanks Pollara for being not like this but be honest. Nevertheless, you being honest or others talking 'ill' as you call it, it has the same ending....unfortunately. Well, I can say, you might be right. I haven't heard since I wrote my mail on Saturday morning. Nothing. No mail, no message, no just 'thank you for opening your heart and understanding' I'm a wreck at this moment. I've been crying at work...I haven't cried in 10 years I think but now I can't stop. I don't even know which phase I'm in?? Accepting, hoping, angry, sad,... My thoughts change every 5 minutes. I just don't know what to do. I feel so disrespected for not even let me know she saw my mail...or thanking me for being the opposite of what I am. Being patient and leaving her alone is absolutely not what I want and I am good in. So it costs me lots of energy. Last week although I wasn't getting what she wanted to tell me (leave me alone for a while) she still found the energy to write me some messages per day. Now I wrote her litteraly that I got it and will leave her alone (but also that the worst part for me was having no news at all, being ignored is sooooo hard) and I hope so hard to see appear a message from her on my phone. But ever since nothing....how can she just ignore me completely. Is 1 message a day so much to ask? Do I mean nothing to her? Hasn't she thought for only 1 second of me in the past 3 days? Not once? She knows I'm heartbroken. How can you be so cruel if you know someone who's caring for you so much is in pain but still no word of comfort, understanding, hope to me???? Whyyyyyyyy? I don't know what to think anymore. Maybe indeed she's getting up and thinking about her father, going to sleep and thinking about her father,.... And I try to be understanding. But is there absolutely no spare second in which you think about someone who loves you so much? I showed her mail to some close friends to me. Some say there's a message of hope in it. A message of all will be OK, just give me time and wait for me. Some say it's clear, this is a break-up mail, she just doesn't have the guts to tell you. If the last part is true I think I would burst out in total vengeance mode. If 2 people of who she knows care for me a lot tell her face to face that she can't play games with me and be fair to me if she can't see a future with me, that she has to realize that all the world turns around her currently and with reason but that this doesn't mean other people have feelings too. And still she would have the guts to tell me and leave me in agony by incertainty....that would really make me mad. And maybe Pollara you can say 'I understood the mail as a break-up, so she did tell you', if some say yes and some say no it isn't clear, isn't it?? And anyhow, by the mail I've replied it has to be clear to her that I still have lots of hope. What hopes do I still have? I don't know? It seems like there's only 1 scenario with a positive outcome and all the others are negative for me. Or I can't wait any longer as it is destroying me. She will say or 'he finally gets it' or 'why, I saw a future for us, just not now yet. He's not understanding what I need, hence not the right guy for me' On top in this scenario all of the family can think wat a selfish unpatient bastard I am. Second scenario: I wait and wait and wait and wait and get further and further destroyed from the inside. Untill eventually she breaks up with me anyway as she doesn't have place for me. Last scenario: I wait and wait and wait untill she gets back to me and appreciates that I was so patient and understanding as she knows how hard this was for me. This gives her the proof I'm the one for her. The odds aren't so good...but still I hope she will realize how I was and am there for her. My brother in law asked her last week, while they met, if she would be happy with a surprise visit of me. NO. Well, that's clear. So, she needs time and doesn't want to see me at all. Today is exactly one month ago that we celebrated my birthday. This morning I noticed her gift still in my bathroom. A gift box with a self-made coupon for a weekend together away mid-October. To you from your love.... This is killing me.... F

Hi All, Well yesterday we drove about 10 hours, from Switzerland back home...so I had a lot of time to think. Should I write or shouldn't I? If so, what shall I say? Should I keep it brief? Should I open up my heart? Pollara advized me to tell about my feelings as she regretted never to have done that. Well, the situation is of course different. You've waited 7 months???? Man, I could never do that. I'm too impatient for that. On top, I'm also self-protectionist. I don't want to self-destroy completely. I had a super severe car accident 10 years ago and had a cerebral bleeding. I was more dead than alive but survived it. Ever since I learned to appreciate life even more than I did before. On top, I'm a very positive person and I know all will be OK in the end. I'm sure I'm the kind of person that will never need anti-depressiva. But that doesn't mean I don't have feelings and can't feel bad sometimes. Only, my survivor-instinct takes over after a while and let me remember my accident and to enjoy life. So, yes, as probably all of you, I had bad break-ups before and sure I cried before but I always got back up. And as Pollara, I actually got over it quite fast and easy as my positive mind was stronger than any negative feelings. This of course is different, no bad things between the 2 of us happened. No one cheated, no one had fewer feelings, on the contrary, we were getting closer and closer and all was getting better and better. And then...it suddenly stops. That's the hard part. I know after a break-up you always miss the good things you had, but after a while you start thinking about the bad things too and you realize why you actually broke up and it helps you in getting over things. But in this case, there aren't any bad things to remember... However, Pollara, I don't agree with you she broke up with me already. And she's looking for arguments to defend her breaking up. Or my translation is bad or something but I've read it over and over again but what I get is that she has to find her own place first. And only then there will be room for someone else. She took the time to talk about her feelings, me and our relationship with my brother-in-law and she took the time and found the energy to write me an email talking about her feelings. I really appreciate that, it shows she still thinks about me and feels she needs to give me an explanation. She's shutting herself down from everybody, only her 2 best friends are close to her. I can't believe she won't take anybody back in her life of all the other friends after some time, that's impossible. On top, as I told you she cares about other people's feelings too much. She would never intentionally hurt someone. I just can't believe that. And believe me, I'm not gullible at all. I'm not artificially putting my hopes up. Kay advized me to answer but not make it a very long mail and just focus on me understanding her. Well, I decided to do as much as how I am. If things wouldn't work out I would never forgive myself I hadn't let her know how I felt. And on the other hand I wanted to let her know I understood what she meant without talking to much about myself. It became a longer mail than I thought it would be. In a chronoligal order I described the days ever since the day her father died. What I did, what I wanted to do, why I did it, what I was feeling, how she responded and how I interpreted it. Untill this day. I explained my first concern was to comfort her but not getting response made me think about us. I thanked her a million times for the energy and time she had put in that mail and that it helped me a lot in understanding her. I explained the misunderstandings and I apologized for me looking so much for answers that I did the exact opposite things she wanted. I chose my words carefully and the general tone of the mail is all is about her and not me but that I just wanted her to know what I felt. As her mail helped me a lot in understanding her I wanted her to understand me more and not getting frustrated more and more by each other. I ended with saying that I will respect her wish and give her the time she needs. That I know she's a strong girl and I'm convinced 100% she will make her father proud and that I can only hope I will have a place in making him proud. I'm an honest person and I feel better by being also honest to her. Maybe again, I wrote too many things (I even said that in the mail) but I rather have all cleared out. Let's see if I get any response.... Fred

Yesterday evening I got an email....from her. I feel kinda bet just telling what she wrote, it's of course very personal and I feel like betraying for putting it on the internet. She'd kill me if she would find out but I think's there's only a small change that that would happen. I try to translate only the relevant parts. << Hey, I write you a mail instead of a text message or a voice conversation... By now you know how closed I am and it's very hard for me to make clear how I feel or think at this moment. But I need to vent before I destroy myself completely and also I want you to hear something from me instead through other people. As I told you before a few times, I don't know how to behave or what to feel either. The only thing I know is that my world collapsed and I'll need lots of time to reconstruct it. Something that will take lots of energy from me. Now I have almost no energy left for myself, so absolutely none for others. And maybe you can tell me to allow other people to put energy in me , but that's not who I am. I just need people who can sit beside me and just be silent for hours or distract me if I need it. But only the way I want it and that is the reason why my to best friends are so close to me currently. The 2 of them, apart from my father, are the only 2 who know me 100% and knwo how to behave near me. Physical contact is the last thing on my mind, even someone holding my hand does nothing to me. Even you want to be there for me and take care of me, to be truely honest, I don't really feel you're understanding me or get what's going on in me. If I'm happy for only 1 hour I need someone that can sit next to me and be happy for me for me being happy for 1 hour. If I'm sometimes negative about the death of my father then that is just negative and I can't see positive things in that after a week. It's something that needs to wear off but will always keep hurting. But currently I can't start thinking positive... In other words I need time for myself and I don't have much space to invest in something that requires even more energy that I don't have. Even all the things we did together required lots of energy. I don't want to say that the past 2 months weren't super but you sometimes had issues with me not being enthousiastic enough sometimes and the next coming months that's something I won't be able to be even more...being enthousiastic about small things. And I would get the feeling that I'm putting myself aside or putting aside my character in favor of someone else. A picture that disappears to put a picture of my father in the place I think is normal. Me going with my father's girlfriend to a footballmatch with his season tickets instead of with someone else is normal. I just want to do whatever I want now without having to give accountability for it. I know myself very well and I know I've fallen right now, but I also know I got up again real soon and that now I'm actually being real strong. The big hit will be in 2 months when I will expect my father to come home again on holiday from his job and life abroad. I understand real well that it's not easy for you either and that you want to be there for me now but I don't seem to be able to allow that. After some time I probably will be able to let you in again but currently that's not what I need. Life goes on, everyone says, but first I need to learn to go on with myself and only then I can learn to go on with someone else. And that's something nobody can help me with and nobody needs to, that's something I need to do myself. Not someone making plans for me, not someone taking care of everything for me, no because I'm to independant and to stubborn for that. And even if you're going to ask me 100 times if you can help me, even teh 101st time I will still say 'no thanks'. So what I'm asking you now may sound hard and selfish but is for my own good. It's to give me space. Space to breath and and to find myself back. I know I'm only making it harder for you with asking this but this is how I currently think and feel. x >> Well, here you go... I can't start telling you how relieved I am. Finally a sign of life. And she's talking about her feelings, that's great. Especially for someone with a closed personality. That's what I needed. I don't expect to get all the things I would like to hear (you're the best support ever, I want you all the time close to me,...) I'm realistic. But I just wanted her to tell me what she felt. And not in 2 words through a message but through a real conversation or mail. Leaving me there, guessing how she felt and getting nuts, that was the worst nightmare for me... So I'm really happy she found the energy to do this. Now....should I react and if so, how????? My gut feeling is to be completely honest with her as she is with me now. Just tell her about my feelings. Explain her some misunderstandings...that I'm not mad because she doesn't want to be with me. That I was frustrated and sad because I didn't know what to do. That being sad only made me crazy and look at things with a magnifying glass. That noticing disappeared pictures made me not mad about the picture being gone itself but made feel like she was erasing me from her life...it made me scared. That I didn't get answers and that me even more scared, that I needed to talk and annoyed family and friends, not because I wanted someone to force a breakthrough for me, just someone to talk to as that is healing to me. That I really do try to understand her, maybe better than she realizes, but I don't know how to behave myself. That communication is important and that I'm extremely happy for her writing about her feelings. That if you're looking so hard to find something right then you're missing the obvious clues. That I was trying to do the best I could and by trying so hard I wasn't picking up her hints to leave her alone. That I apparently did by accident all the opposite things I should have done like texting her even more and be needy. And I don't want to talk about myself all the time but that I have felt real bad because of this and I felt the worst boyfriend in the world by doing the exact opposite things... Also I want to give you guys some insight on the 'being enthousiastic' part. I realize it's not easy to live with me. I'm a barrel of energy. When everyone is tired I'm still full of energy. When the alarm clock goes of in the morning instantly I'm at 100% energy level. So I can be a busy guy...you understand. And sometimes I expect others to be too, a bit too much. She's talking about me surprising her at the job. We hadn't seen all day and she had to work till 1 AM. I had been awake for 20 hours or so and wanted to go to bed but instead I still drove to her work to surprise her with a short visit. I'm the kind of guy that doesn't need much presents and stuff for birthdays and Christmas and others but just wants to be adored a bit let's say. So I was a bit hoping for a reaction like: waaaaaw, you're so sweet, you're the best boyfriend ever. That's the best gift one can ever give me. Instead she was happy but not overly enthousiastic. You see, I was not mad or angry but a bit disappointed. And I know that's stupid and childish and not a big deal and I didn't really make a fuss about it. I remember to just have said something like: I thought I was gonna get some more reaction.... Now I feel even worse for having said that. It sounds really selfish. But I think that's just one of the points we still needed some finetuning for in our relationship. I still needed to discover lots of things about her and how to behave in such a case and vice versa. Well, here you go....instead of telling you only the relevant things I translated the entire mail. Please advice me...should I be honest about my feelings to and just write about them in a polite no needy way and explain all to her. And then just leave her alone?? Fred

Hi guys, Thank you all first and for all for your replies and just being here. It's very comforting to get real advice. If I have a problem I need to talk. So I talked, but as I wanted to talk with someone who also knew my girlfriend I talked with friends and family. Which annoyed her apparently. So not a great move there. And on top you only get 3 possible answers: 1) that's really not my decision to make. That's between the 2 of you. 2) Someone who's listening but in the end says 'I have no answers either, I wouldn't know what to do' or they only have very little advice. 3) someone that's is protecting you from getting hurt,, like my sister. She said: she's putting away your picture and deleting them from Facebook? Well, it can't get clearer than that, it's over. The 2nd one I like best because even if they don't have answers they still listen to you and want to be there for you to. And then I discovered this site and you guys. And it's more what I need. Although you don't know me or my girlfriend you all have the same experience. And you all know what's going on inside me and because you have the experience you have real answers and real advice. And that's really helping me. Every case is different of course but it's really strange to see all the basic lines are exactly the same. I have the utmost respect for you saying you waited for like 3 months...I'm pretty sure I couldn't wait that long. At least not when there's no real evolution at all. Big news by the way....but I wanted to post this first. :-) She wrote me an email....I'll tell in the next post

And another update.... Well, this morning I've send her the poem. No reaction.... It's been 30 hours since the last message I got. I now that is what she wants right now but it's soooooo hard. And so not me. This morning I received a call from my brother-in-law. He has been playing tennis with my girlfriend a few times and they get along quite well too. He had sent her a message earlier this week if she wanted tickets for a certain tennis match. She replied yesterday evening that it wasn't necessary. While they texted it turned out that they were both in the same neighbourhood and they went for a drink and a chat. She normally had to work till late that night but apparently she had called her boss she was crashing a bit and she got a free day. Well, this was of course a long chat and shows a different view than the news I got yesterday that she still loves me but just needs time. She told my brother in law that she really is empty and has no energy. That I don't seem to understand that I need to back off. That if she replies on only 20% of my texts I shouldn't send even more. That that is a sign she needs space. She's right of course and it sounds logic but if you're panicking and you're stressed and are desperate you do sometimes stupid things, or the exact opposite things you should do best. That's what he told her, that I was getting nuts and crying all the time because I didn't know anything, not what to do, not if she still wants me... She doesn't want to hurt me she told him but she needs some time for herself, not thinking about others. And she has a lot of support of the 2 best friends she has. I'm not the support she wants right now cause the relationship was still to fresh, I'm not so deeply rooted in her as those 2 friends. She was kind of frustrated that I wrote her I couldn't sleep or was very stressed. She has more trouble than that. So I shouldn't complain. She's right. So I feel like I blew it. I probably did all the wrong things I could do and was selfish. Although I didn't want to and tried to be patient, the longer I needed to wait the more I missed her and tried to let her know that. Which I shouldn't have done. Probably by doing so she even wrote me fewer and fewer and now we're at the point she hasn't been sending me at all. Also she was kind of mad for me asking where my picture was. Of course I understand she wanted to put a picture of her father in the place but at that moment it felt like a dagger in my heart and it felt like she wanted to make me disappear. Yet again, the opposite reaction of what I should have done...nothing. He didn't tell her about the pictures she removed from facebook. Maybe for the best. Also me calling all friends and asking for advice is not what she wants. And she might be right, but that's my way of dealing with things. I'm open and if I have issues I need to talk someone. I can't talk to people who don't know her so I guess I just wanted answers. Answers she could have given me but she didn't. Or she tried to give me hints and I was to blind to see them. I just feel like all I do or did is wrong. And it makes me even feel worse. Now I feel like I've been a terrible boyfriend and in stead of being a support I've been a needy, selfish nuisance. Did I blow all chances of showing her I'm there for her? Was I just a burden for her? He stated she needs to be honest with me too. I'm having pain as well and if she knows now already that I'm not the guy for her she should tell me now. She just doesn't know. She has to find her own place right now. And only then she can see where to put the others. So that's not "I still love you and all will be OK, but just leave me alone right now". Unfortunately. She told him she can't say it will be OK, neither if it won't be OK. She just doesn't know yet what she wants. I felt better yesterday afternoon as my friend told me she still loves me and just needs to be left alone for a while. Also he showed me some messages he wrote her. He had told her I was relieved and happy she still wants me, that I finally understood that I needed to leave her alone and that I would do so. She had replied she needs some me-time indeed and she thanked him. Also to cheer me up he showed me some emailconversation she had had with his wife. But the conversation was from the first week her father died. She had written that week that I was trying to understand her but I was not getting it. That she loved me and didn't want to hurt me. That she would have her crash later and that she would need me-time. But all over the message was about me, that she wanted me to be OK. She wrote I felt not needed and useless and that I shouldn't feel that way as she did appreciated it. That was so sweet of her and actually unnecessary to think about my feelings only 5 days after her father died. But that conversation was also from the first week, the week she was still being communicative to me... I feel so bad...bad for being a bad boyfriend and bad for not being a support the way she wanted and bad for her not being responsive... Shitty situation.... Fred

Well, Here's an update.... As you know, I'm currently in Switzerland. Another colleague took his car this morning and started driving from Belgium towards here. While driving he called me. Now, that colleague has become a real close friend of me in the previous years. So he knew quite all about the story... Normally when we talk we're quite enthousiast and crazy. This time he noticed I'm about to crash...so he heard me out and suddenly said: gotta go, I'll call you back in few hours. I just thought he got a call from a customer or so. In the meantime I was getting nuts one more time....and I texted the girlfriend of my girlfriend's father. Although we don't know eachother that well we grew closer because of the passing away, became facebookfriends and had a short chat last week where she stated that she knows my girlfriend needs some space now. Because of that I knew she must have spoken with her about me. The end of the chat was giving each others mobile numbers and she stating I could always contact her if I needed a chat. And so I wrote her a text if we could have one. We could, she replied, a few hours later if she would be home. Well, after that text I went down to the congress and it did real good to me. All those customers from all over the world hugging me. A good feeling, knowing they truely like you and it's not just a business relation. My colleague suddenly rang me back. He ahd made his wife call my girlfriend. We all know each other as we went for dinner on numorous occasions and have some whatsapp chatgroups all together. After my girlfriend's father died I know my colleague's wife texted my girlfriend quite some times as she has lost her father too a few years ago and so they could share some feelings. I don't know what exactly she asked or said (yet) but I guess she just asked what's the situation like. Apparently my girlfriend said she still really loves me but has no energy now to show this and she wants to be left alone a bit. So not sending her 30 messages a day and not contacting all of the friends and family to ask for advice. Well, turns out you were right...of course. And although I tried to follow this advice I should have done it more severely. On the other hand, I still don't get why she can't just say that to me. She could 1,5 weeks ago and I understood, no problem... Well, that was a big relief although it guarantees me nothing. When going back to my room I got a text from her father's girlfriend that she was home and we could chat. I explained her every thing I wrote in the previous posts. It really felt good chatting with her as this is what I currently miss with my girlfriend, her being open. I'm OK with dealing with answers it's just the being ignored that's so hard to deal with I felt a bit bad for disturbing her with my problems while she had to deal with her loved one who passed away but she was nice and understood my point of view too. She had had some issues with him a few years ago and and that point removed all pictures of him too. Not because she wanted to forget about him but seeing him all the time couldn't make her focus on the things she needed. With patience and respect they grew back together. She thinks my girlfriend has the same thing going now. Seeing pictures of us 2 probably makes her think about our relation and she has no energy to put in a relation now. I should give her space now... We agreed that I would just send her 1 more message with a poem I found on the internet that quite says it all. Just to make her realize that I understood what I should do...give her space... It was the following: I’m sorry of being so emotional I’m sorry of being so possessive I’m sorry that I cry for you I’m sorry because I can’t live without you I’m sorry for the tears you shed I’m sorry for the damage I made I’m sorry I’ve made you sick Sorry I hurt you so deep I’m sorry for giving you sleepless nights I’m sorry for each and every fight I’m sorry for your pain & agony I’m sorry for the missing harmony I’m sorry for my selfish love I’m sorry for not caring enough I’m sorry for my restlessness I’m sorry for the losing grace I’m sorry my friend I made you mad I’m sorry darling you are so sad Sorry for not giving you any happiness Sorry because it’s my disgrace I’m sorry for thinking of you so very much I’m sorry I always miss your touch I’m sorry of being so mad about you I’m sorry for my every blue I’m sorry of being so immature I’m sorry now that can’t be cured I’m sorry of being myself I’m sorry that I’ve failed I’m sorry and sorry again I’m sorry of being insane But believe me that I love you Should I say sorry for that too?