nettieboop

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Hi, These really helped me wrap my head around what I was dealing with. http://www.storiedmind.com/recovery/heal-break-depressed-partner/

Hi Lisa, First off, as I read your story, my stomach sinks, as it is almost identical to what I went through. I know exactly how you feel right now. I think the worst part is it coming out of nowhere...you're not prepared, there was nothing indicating that this was coming, nothing. I think they just shut down....they can't cope... As with you, my ex's father had just died - he had been abandoned by his parents as a kid and I encouraged him to rekindle the relationship as an adult. I think when he died, all the stuff from his past came back like a tsunami, he became distant and also wanted to be alone. I promise you that this has nothing to do with you even though it feels like it, it's him - but on that note, don't wait around for him, as hard as that sounds. Focus on you and healing and moving forward. It sucks. It's not fair. I'm here if you ever need to chat. ❤️ Jeannette

I'm so sorry this has happened to you....but it kind of seems as though, even though you've dedicated 2 years of your life to this person, you've dodged a bullet....I'm sure he's a great person when sober, but he's an addict, that's the bottom line. I'm so sorry. The fact that you have no contact will enable you to heal, spend some time with your friends and family, etc. RUN. Run as fast as you can. When drugs come into the picture...it is trouble. (((hugs)))

Amen to that...it's the best place to be. ❤️

I agree with kayc...boundaries are so essential. Actions speak louder than words, and yes, he is all over the place emotionally. I agree 100% with the no contact at this point to protect yourself and not get your hopes up. He will need all sorts of work on himself to get to firmer ground first of all, but also normal people don't just break up in a crisis and repel their loved one(s)...he has issues...and these issues need to be addressed. He is almost 100% likely to continue this cycle again, whether that person is you, or someone else. Protect yourself. Set a boundary. He can't just pop in whenever and wherever after he broke with you, that's not right. He has some healing to do and some serious work to do on himself, for himself. This is a good time for you to process, reflect, and ultimately decide what you want out of a relationship. Your ex jumped ship when the goings got tough...when things get tough is a time to draw your support/loves in closer...not push them away. I gained so much strength and perspective from being on my own for a while...it really helped. It helped me overcome feeling lonely when by myself, I really started enjoying having my space. Once I got to that point, I put myself out there again and I really paid attention to all red flags...I was worth more than that...and sure enough, a good one came along with strong family values, someone who values commitment, and understands that when the goings get tough, you stick together and figure it out, and work through it. A very good communicator. All of these things lacked in my former relationships. ❤️

JCath...you are so much further ahead than I was at this stage...you are doing all the right things and have such a beautiful spirit and attitude. Chances are, your boyfriend would have done this at some point or another, this is what they know, and this is what they do. They're not bad people, they're just broken in some fashion and this is how they cope. My breakup (I had 2 - my husband abandoned me 2012 - just up and left out of the blue after he'd been caught with another woman. Shortly thereafter met whom I thought was THE man of my dreams. We'd both been through so much. He left me after 1 year, 2 weeks after his dad died...completely shut down.) This has taught me SO much about myself, has made me a better me, has kept me away from people who are incapable of truly reciprocating in a relationship. I had no idea until after both splits how much of a 'pleaser' and 'fixer' I am/was. This was part of the pattern I need to change for myself, as it kept drawing the broken ones. I made a pact with myself (my choice in men got worse for a while - the worse they treated me the better it seemed) that I would NEVER give any myself to anyone like that again. I was saving myself for someone who would cherish and protect my heart. Not have narcissist tendencies, history of abandonment, untreated mental health issues, etc. Not to say that people with baggage can't have healthy successful relationships, but this combo was lethal for me. It never ended well. You have this. The ONE THING that saved me was finding a group like this one...finding support from people who were in the EXACT situations that I was in. They stories were identical...same same same. It blew my mind. It was that much more validation that I needed. I have found lifelong friends through my support group and it helped me become who I am today.

So so true. In my case abandonment by both parents at different times in his childhood. So well said Barnabas17 ❤️

Wow Kayc and MartyT, I couldn't agree more...and this is something that made more sense to me after all the grieving. My heart aches for you as I know how you are feeling in this moment. ❤️

I am so sorry you're having to go through this....your story breaks my heart as it's almost a carbon copy of mine. Please do all that you can to nurture yourself and your heart in these very trying times. xo

This is almost a CARBON COPY of my situation with my ex only his father passed away. UGH. I still am left with questions which I'm sure can never and will never be answered. My ex went into a pretty deep depression after his dad passed, he also became more and more distant, until finally he seemed completely vacant and gone. He broke up with me abruptly and told me all the very same things. I'm so sorry you're going through this...it's just awful. Feel free to message me anytime! Hugs. Jeannette

It happened to me twice in a row. My ex-husband up and left me one day after 10 years - depression is the culprit. Shortly thereafter (1 year or so) I met the man I spoke of in my story. That was 4 years ago. I still feel pain from that...I've completely moved and and am so happy now, married, etc. but those feelings never go away. They do get better as time goes on, but you can't help but wonder... Thanks for reaching out. How are you doing Marianne? xoxo

Hi there, First off, so sorry that you're going through this...it's the pits man. I can relate as I have been through something very similar. Unfortunately there is no quick fix for the heart...my best advice, having gone through it, is to block him from social media....every time you look is torture and sends you back. Take care of you, focus on you, keep busy, surround yourself with friends, do things that make you feel good and keep reminding yourself...this is about him...not about you. HUGS. <3

Marianne, This makes me so sad...I've been through the EXACT situation...we were together for 1 year, dad (whom he'd had abandonment issues with from childhood) diagnosed with cancer, my BF reached out and bridged the gap between them, he helped his dad through a lot of his battle, which was also very short (aggressive lung cancer.) I was his rock. I was there through it all! I flew to Colorado with him twice for support. His father took a turn for the worst and he flew there to be with him...he saw his father take his last breath. I flew back to be with him for the funeral and to help clean his father's home. When we got back home, it was 2 days before Christmas...this is when I saw him begin to change before my eyes...he started shutting down. By New Year's Eve, he was a different person...he felt so distant. He decided to quit smoking 3 days after Christmas (b/c his dad died of lung cancer) which made things a million times worse. On Jan 1, we went on a date, held hands, he stayed the night, told me he loved me and kissed me before I went to work and then the next day, broke up with me. I've never been more shattered in MY LIFE. It was absolutely devastating....and I certainly feel your pain. I'm so sorry. Once he shut down...he never came back around. He closed himself to me. It was almost as though I was somehow associated with that pain and those memories and he wanted to shut it down. He was shut down. I haven't spoken to him since. It was too difficult. I still feel sad sadness when I think about it and we broke up 4 years ago.... The advice KayC gave is so spot on...focus on you in the meantime. Heal. Talk to a therapist (helped me A LOT), surround yourself with people who love you. I've heard this story so many times and think that people who are battling depression and have something as traumatic and painful as a parent die generally aren't capable of bouncing back like we can, especially if there is buried pain from their childhoods. I'm so sorry for this <3 Sending hugs! Please feel free to message me anytime! Talking to people who'd been through this really helped me a lot. nettieboop@gmail.com

First off, I'm so sorry. What a horrible place to be. If you haven't already heard of the Depression Fallout Forum, it's helped me out tramendously! I too have through exactly what you're going through and it was the hardest thing I've ever experienced, it's worse than a death in a way. There's a lot of support there!

UGH!!!! Going through that kind of pain ONCE is hard enough! So sorry you find yourself in this hell. I can relate. I just wanted to recommend this site, it's really helped me a lot in my healing and grief. http://depressionfalloutmessageboard.yuku.com/directory#.Uynn9KIVDGx There's a lot of really great support. Just jump into the 'general discussion' and post your story.

I'm devasted. I started seeing the most amazing man last May. We found each other after both having gone through so much.The more time we spent together, the more it became obvious that this was ‘it’. Fast forward to 1 month ago. Things were still wonderful. His father, who’d had really bad health, became even sicker. “J” had to go to him. “J” had a very long history of abandonment, resentment, etc. with his father, so this was not easy for him. Having a 21 year old son himself, he really wanted to set the right example. Anyway, he fled to his dad’s state to be by his side, and he passed away 1 week later. He really wanted me to go with him to the funeral, and to be with him for support. I did. That’s what you do. Needless to say, there were a lot of feelings coming up that he didn’t expect. A lot of anger, a lot of sadness, etc. We got back home, it was Christmas – another stressful time in its own. I noticed him getting a little more distant in this time, and I completely understand that considering what he’s going through. 2 days ago I volunteered to not come over to his place, to give him space, and he told me that we needed to “talk”. He didn’t feel that his love for me was as strong for me as my love for him. OMG. I’m devastated. I know this probably has a LOT to do with him grieving and not being able to handle any other emotion at the moment. When I asked him when he’d started feeling ‘not as ‘in love’ as me’, he gave me a very specific time of 4-5 weeks, as opposed to a wishy washy response. This is basically the time he started dealing with his dad. He said he’s very sorry, he wish it could have worked out, but he feels that my feelings for him (just in the last few weeks) were much stronger than those he felt, that he 'tried to fall passionately in love' - whatever that means. need some hugs. I need some advice. I need some help.