R.Everit55

I am home.  Came home to sick boys my son and the grandsons.  No more peacefulness.  I've got to make some dr appointments this week as I am just still so depressed.  And I can't pinpoint why.  Other than the obvious reasons.  Or maybe I need to be back home here and caring for my family.  Don't really know.  

I just have to say I love you all to pieces.  Plain and simple.  For the way everyone looks out for each other.  I know my Mary adored you all.  I do now.  

Goodnight.  I have three more sunrises and sunsets here at the beach.  If I don't post until I return home, know you're all in my prayers.  

Butch. ❤️

Thanks everyone 

i am am headed home on Monday.  I do miss my son DIL and grandsons and I must go back and face reality again.  My son informed me today that the dr gave them the go ahead to start trying to conceive again.  I don't know that they will.  It's still so very very fresh... The loss of their baby girls.   So I don't honestly think or even would want a new grand baby now.  But obviously that their choice.  Not that I wouldn't want one, but it's scary after losing Lila and Lily.  And we've all got so much grief including for Mary.  Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe.  

Butch

Marty thank you for the link to the video.  I am going to watch the rest of it now before I try to sleep.  I would like that book.  I will look into getting it.  I do better with audiobooks but not sure if I can get it for my iPad/iPhone.  I tried to search for it on my kindle but couldn't find it.  

Thanks again.  

Thank you Marty and Anne.  

I was apologizing because it's difficult for me to support others here... Old or new comers.  That's what I meant.  I promise to focus more on my own journey and help when I can.  

Butch

I read my original post again tonight and it's such a struggle to keep my promises to my beautiful bride.  But I'm determined to do my best.  She was my everything and she gave me everything plain and simple.  I only wish she could reach my soul and take some of this pain off my heart.  She is always my princess. And I will go on living to repay the sweetest debt to her for being my one and only love soul mate best friend my life my happiness my heart my bride my princess... 

Kevin

i have experienced a couple times in eight months hearing my bride's beautiful voice waking me and I swear I see her sometimes when I smell things with her scent.  I thought I was insane.  But I guess not.  

Blessings to you

Butch

Listening to my bride's and my favorite songs thru the years both hurt and comfort if that makes any sense.  I also listen to meditation music and nature sounds.  

Butch

Harleyquinn you have my prayers.  

Butch. 

I'm sorry for my selfishness Kay and everyone here.  Thoughts and prayers are all I have to offer anyone now.  Again I'm sorry.  

Butch

I'm so sorry Harry.  Peace and prayer to you and to Gail.  

Butch

My heart thanks you all ❤️

Im stuck.  When Mary passed eight months and five days ago tonight, it brought up certainly the baby girls we had still born.  We never really dealt with that.  That pain was just always there... 

And when my son lost their girls last month...  

I feel so selfish and inadequate because I knew Mary was pained at our loss.  And I know our boy his wife and their boys are pained at the loss of their Lila and Lily.  And here I sit hiding away miles away states away... I feel like a coward.  

What I really want is to never go back and I just don't feel like I'm living... I feel like I'm existing running on fumes or nothing at all.  I promised my bride January 9 as she slipped away that I would be strong that I would take care or our boy and our sweet grandsons and that I would not give up or let her down.  

Grief is rather all encompassing and just continues to try to suck you u dear like quicksand.  And I personally, like most here, just are helpless to stop it.  ?

rambling...... So sorry...

Butch.

Fae, thank you.  

Debi thank you

Kay thank you

Anne thank you

Karen thank you

Marty thank you

I am quite humbled by everyone's love.  I hope you all know my constant prayers for you.  As I pray several times a day and as I sit and watch the sun rise and set at the beach here... You all sit with me in my heart.  ❤️

Butch

I wasn't done... It posted

The loss of the girls is really making my heart yearn for Mary and all that has been taken.  I simply can't get passed any of it.  

Butch

I'm staying a bit longer here in FL.  I am trying to fight the depression and I don't want to have my son and family see how deep my grief and that depression really is.   I am not sure how to snap out of this.  The girls passing is really eating at me badly.  

My prayers continue Harry

I'm so very sorry Harry.  When it rains it pours.  I understand.  And my fervent prayers are with you all.  

Butch

Shannon was an amazing SIL.  I honor her today.  Two years hard to believe 

Harry I'm keeping all involved in deep thought and prayer.  And that suffering is as minimal as possible.  

Peace to you

Butch

Thank you all

today is nine months since Mary joined others in Heaven. Tomorrow is two years since Shannon passed.  I'm glad Mary is with her above with her two brothers.  

As I sit here at the beach my heart is heavier than usual (I didn't think that was possible).  I'm praying for all of us on this grief journey.  

Harry, Jane's Dad and all family are in my prayers as I sit here at the beach in FL contemplating loss grief and our pain.  Prayers for everyone.  

Butch.  

I'm in FLORIDA for a while.  Maybe running away.  I'm fighting a losing battle with grief upon grief, unfairness, depression anxiety. Etc...   I just want to sit on the beach when the sun dawns and sets.  That was our Happy Place.  Tomorrow will be nine months since she left me.  And also one month since Lila passed at six days old.  My heart is broken.  Lily lasted longer seventeen days.  But there's pure injustice and I need to fix it for my boy and my DIL yet I simply cannot in the state of mind and heart I'm in.  

Tomorrow is nine months for my bride and Thursday is two years for the best SIL ever, Shannon.   So the beach is needed.  

Butch

I am thinking of getting away next week to Florida where my bride and I went many times.  Saint Augustine.  I could use some alone time as nine months comes on the 9th.  We loved the beach.  I just want to feel close to her.  

Thank you Marty dear.  

Dear Harry

i hope you found some peace on yours and Jane's anniversary.  

Your words thoughts and writings always touch my heart.  

Peace my friend.  

Butch