R.Everit55

hi friends.  Thank you to all who sent thoughts and prayers to me.  I'm just out of ICU since yesterday.  I had a heart attack.  Then in hospital had a second.  I don't remember much.  My heart apparently stopped and ended up having open heart surgery. A double bypass.  I'm still exhausted from it all.  I should be napping but I can't.  I was told today going through such a physically traumatic event will not help my depression.  And it's normal.  I miss my beautiful wife more than I can say.  She'd not leave my side.  I never imagined I'd get this ill nine and a half months after her passing.  I have our wonderful son here often.  I think I scared him to pieces along with my grandsons.  He told me he was terrified of losing his father after just losing his mother and his twin girls.  I will fight as long and whatever it takes to not leave my little family.  I have a new grand baby on the way in June and I intend to be here for that miracle.  I'm on a lot of new meds for my heart and on pain meds still post op.  I'm still so foggy and out of it.  But wanted to thank everyone for you r prayer.

Special thanks to KayC for keeping in touch with my son. He expressed heartfelt thanks as your words calmed his terrified heart.  

I think my beautiful wife is my guardian angel and has pulled me through from heaven   I have a long road to recovery and healing including my grief journey   

blessings to all.  

Love

Butch 

I've read everyone's kind replies.  Yet I'm lost for words.  My heart is so overwhelmed with feeling hurt anger fear and I want to be able to write about this pain but for the life of me words are so far from me.  And that makes this pain worse.  Lonely.  Hopeless.  

Im thinking the medication is making things frozen and numb.  I just can't release this pain and grief.   Yes I'm sleeping more.  But I'm stuck.  It is the worst most loneliest feeling.  Like pressure building and no release.  

You're not awful you're human with grief.  It's grief "talking" not your loving heart.  If that makes sense.  I hope it makes sense I'm not making much sense right now.  Hugs. 

Butch

I'm so angry at myself.  For falling apart so badly and not being able to do anything but "just barely surviving".  

I don't know what to say except I'm deeply humbled by your compassion.  Love to each of you.  ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

I slept four hours last night.  Remeron, Klonopin, and Topamax calm me some but still giving me headaches and lack of appetite and nausea.  My Little Man has stayed cuddled next to me... Follows me everywhere.  He loved his long walk with me today.  He kept looking back making sure I was still there with him.  

I was just inpatient in the psych unit at the hospital for 9 days.  I wasn't sleeping.  I was having so many flashback anxiety and depression events I didn't want to go on anymore.  My son (who is grieving himself for his mother and for his twin baby girls) recognized this in me and got me help.  I feel guilty.  But I felt "safe" and like people understood inpatient.  Now that I am home, the grief hasn't gone anywhere.  The heartache is immense.  But I must go on still without my beloved wife.  It hurts to be in this home.  It hurts to be in our bed.  It hurts to see her things.  I reached 9 months without her while I was hospitalized.  I still don't know how it has been this long nor why it feels so surreal still like it just happened.  And on top of that the passing of my two beautiful premature granddaughters in August is gut wrenching.  Though my son and DIL are now 4 weeks pregnant again... So soon... I'm terrified.  I have a new therapist.  I'm on some new medication.  It's going to take a while to get used to.  I wanted to post, though I feel like I'm not making sense.  When I was inpatient it felt as though the world had stopped and I could breathe and I'm home now and indeed the world is still going on... Without my beautiful bride... Without those beautiful babies (the ones my bride and I lost years ago and my granddaughters).  The world just keeps turning even though my world just seemingly is crushed.  I'm sorry this doesn't make sense.  (Marty, I'm sorry I just apologized when a while ago you asked me not to).  I'm trying.  

I know what you mean and totally agree.  Grief and heartache isn't just emotional pain... It literally feels like a deep physical hurt.  

Hugs to you.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone.  I'm so sorry all of us here have to endure this pain.  

I miss my tiny granddaughters more than words.   I thank God for my two grandsons.  

The other day Allen and Katie took a HPT and it came up positive.  She sees the OBGYN on the 9th for confirmation.  I didn't expect they would be trying so soon.  Not that I wouldn't be overjoyed at a new grand child.  I just hope they aren't trying to replace the girl... Who obviously are irreplaceable.  

I wish my wife were here to be apart of all of these ups and downs.  Though I know she's holding Lila and Lily in her arms in heaven.  

Butch

I wish I had words for you dear Kristine.  I offer many virtual hugs and many prayers.  You are not alone.  

Im crying a lot tonight.  I have a little dog too... Named Little Man.  He stays right beside me too.  Let your little pup comfort you.

❤️

Butch 

 My heart and soul aches more tonight than it has since the night my beautiful passed away Jan 9.  Why it hurt this bad now after almost 9mos I don't know.   I didn't think the pain could be worse.  How wrong was I...  

I want to sleep and dream of her yet I know I'll wake hurting because she won't be beside me.  

Butch

Thank you all

My heart hurts so deeply.    can I just say that because I don't have any other words... 

Happy Birthday my sweet Angel.  I love you more than anything in life or death.  Always Always my dear.... 

Everyone is asleep.  I've sung softly to my bride in bed.  Hopefully she hears.  It's raining nonstop here and will be until Monday or Tuesday.   Going to go to church in a few hours at 7am to remember her and light a candle there.  The boys made cards in school for their Grammy and gave them to me.  They really miss her too.  

Maybe writing to Michael your feeling about things that you didn't get to say and about your divorce from him etc... And reading it aloud to him.  Set aside time to just write and whether you read it aloud or not he will know.  

Im sorry about your difficult marriage now to your current husband.  I hope things will resolve.  It may not be bothering you so much because your heart is trying to cope with Michael being gone.  

Hugs

Butch

Tomorrow will be my sweet Mary's 52 birthday.  I used to bring her breakfast in bed on her day with a handmade card and I would sing this song from George Strait.  I would sing to her many songs through our years but this was one special to us both.  She loved my voice.  I had no shame in singing to her even though I have never liked my singing voice.  

http://youtu.be/A-Lo33Ep99I

She was my princess and she deserved nothing less than to be treated as such.  It breaks my heart that tomorrow is the first birthday I won't be making her breakfast in bed nor seeing her beautiful smile nor kissing her softly and singing to her.    Maybe I will sing anyway... 

Butch

Dear Kristine, I'm so very sorry you lost your precious Andre.  I'm glad you are in therapy and in an in person support group.  It's not been 9 months for me since I lost my Bride.  I can relate to "letting go" feeling like or fearing like forgetting.  My mind knows it means letting our loved ones go free but my heart feels it means forgetting.  But there is no way any of us can forget.  For me, my son and two young grandsons keep her more alive than I feel sometimes.  Her 52nd birthday is tomorrow.  

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers on Friday dear heart.  I'm glad you will be doing things with friends.  That takes courage.  

❤️

Butch

Karen, it's okay to go to church and feel whatever you feel.  I go some weekday mornings and don't even participate in the prayers or songs sometimes but just sit in back reflecting because it's where I feel close to my Mary and our baby girls we lost and to the granddaughters that went to Heaven in August.  Sometimes I leave with a heavier heart than I before and sometimes I feel less burdened.  I'm certain your Ron and Debbie are indeed together.  Like our baby girls and grand baby girls are with Mary.  Big hugs to you...

Kristine, bless you.  I hope you will share as much or as little as you are able.  

Kay, yes that's a dragonfly tattoo on her arm with our sons name up top and our grandsons names one on each wing.  The boys miss their Grammy and seeing that tattoo.  

Debi, perfect quote and so very true... 

In life there is death.  Those left behind to grieve sometimes can't find a way to go on yet they do.  There are times... Many of them in one night or day... That simply breathing is not simple anymore.  The heart literally feels like the cardiac organ is in pieces when really it's our SOUL that breaks.  And how do we celebrate happy times again?  It's nearly impossible without guilt.  Time passes so slow yet you breathe your next breath and it seems weeks have passed us by.  New life comes into the world.  Miracles.  Yet our person our soulmate our love is missing out.  Birthdays come and go... The first birthday of your love seems unbearable.  Daily weekly monthly "angelversaries" of their last breath tears at your mind body and soul.  

I still ache nightly at 11:15pm remembering and feeling my bride's heart stop as I held her so close.    Thursday she would be 52 yrs old.  The 9th will be 9mos since she became an angel.  Our grandsons miss their Grammy and at ten and seven understand yet ask questions everyday.  I haven't the answers.  I have my own questions.  There are nights like tonight and a lot the last few weeks that I desperately want to join my love in Heaven.  Yet I know my promise of all promises to her minutes before she passed to fight and protect our son DIL and grandsons.  And take care of me too.  Taking care of me is the hardest.  

Thank You all kind gentle souls.  

My bride would be 52 on Oct 1st.  I don't know what I will do.  That day was not a big deal to her but it meant everything to me.  I treated her like the princess she was to me.  Oct 9th will be 9 months since her passing.  I'm still a great deal lost and shocked and don't know if that is "normal" at this stage.  The holidays... I just can't imagine.  Then the first anniversary of her death Jan 9th.  My heart hurts.  

I wish I had more to say... 

Butch

There is no time limit on our grief journeys.  It's been 8 1/2 months since my darling wife passed and still most days are surreal for me. Give yourself a lot of time.  And don't be hard on yourself.  Yes we are all on a grief journey but there are no comparisons on when things pan out or when feelings happen.  You will go through feelings that will repeat themselves.  

Mom so sorry for your losses.  

Peace to your hearts

Butch

I miss these peaceful moments at the FL shore.  

My trip myself to FL was emotional, thought provoking, bittersweet as it is a place my Mary and I used to enjoy so much together and with our son and grandsons.  

Enjoy your time Stephen and your memories together in your heart.  

Thinking of you.  

Butch

These two guys getting their own tea for their colds.  My world these little men.  

Yes Kay, Grammy Mary surely is taking good care of the babies until it's my time to be with them.  ❤️

I never imagined how lost I would feel how empty I would feel for these precious little girls.  And just how much it's deeply impacting the loss of my bride 8 1/2 months ago that feel like yesterday.  I'm jealous that she hold these girls OUR granddaughters in her arms as well as our own two baby girls.  Katie made this framed image.  When I look at them I think they look so big in pics for on two pounders.  

Just very sad I guess.... Can't really find the words.  Jealous of my Angels above...

Butch