Wildflower

Thank you. Good advice. The article was good I agree.

Thank you for putting things in perspective.

Thanks so much for your words of comfort Marty. I really appreciate it. My Mom had quite a wicked sense of humor. Just after I flew in to be with her, I tried to get her more comfortable in the hospital bed. My Dad said to her, "Should we put you down?" Meaning put the head of the hospital bed down. My Mom replied, "No. But you are going to put me down aren't you" Which I interpreted as meaning in the end you are going to give me morphine aren't you? My Dad replied, "No we aren't going to put you down". That was a bit of an awkward moment. Then at the end, I was the one who put her down so to speak as my father just could not make that decision. So that is part of my guilt. Afterwards, I had a terrible dream about being dragged to the afterlife by demons against my will. No further nightmares after that thank goodness. I know the guilt is irrational. I like your idea of writing a letter to my Mom. I think that will help. I know I have to get through this hurdle in order to fully heal. I know deep down that she herself was ready to let go.

Thanks for your words of comfort Kay. I been feeling a bit crazy and confused! Wanted to get my mind clear before talking to my father and this is a great help. I appreciate your reply to my previous post as well.

My Mom passed about 11 months ago after a long illness with breast cancer. My Dad starting dated 10 days after she died. I am trying to be supportive and am pleased he seems to be thriving as I know we all have to move forward. I live in another country so the problem seemed kind of far away and I didn't have to really be part of it. My 3 brothers live in his town and have quite a hard time with it. But then the problem came closer to me. He was out to visit us a few months ago and met a woman here much younger than himself. They now have a close online relationship. I know it's not my business, but now he is talking about wanting to come and visit again. He is not saying directly that he wants to see her, but he is saying this to her as she tells us this. So I feel that if he does come, we would be the "guise" so to speak which makes me feel under valued. I love him, but he is very difficult to talk directly to as he has narcissistic qualities. I am wondering how to tell him how I feel. I just don't think I could cope with him pursuing a relationship under my roof if he comes to visit. I have not yet reconciled my Moms death, am still healing and have too much to deal with in my own personal life. I wondered about encouraging him to meet her somewhere else neutral instead? Anyone else been in this situation? Help! Thanks.

My Mom died the end of last year after a long illness with breast cancer. She was living in a different country to me, but I flew in just in time. She passed 8 hours after I landed. It seemed nothing had really been discussed as to how she wanted to die. I could tell she only had hours to live, but that had not been directly communicated to the family. Hospice had only just been referred which was too late. My parents had not been ready to accept their services earlier, despite gentle encouragement by me. They kept a lot of information to themselves when dealing with her illness, thinking they were protecting us I guess. Here in the States, I am fortunate to work with home care and hospice nurses who had given me very valuable information, so I felt fairly well prepared for her dying process. But it seemed my family back home weren't. It was just a very intense situation to come into after a long flight. My Moms last moments were very peaceful, and she was surrounded by all the family. It was very special. She even blew us all a kiss an hour or two before she died. The thing I am getting hung up on is that I was the one who called for the IV morphine. It was night time, and nothing had been set up. The hospital nurse wanted to wait until morning and wasn't really paying attention to my Mom as she had another young patient in crisis. But I knew my Mom really needed it as she was suffering so terribly. We had to call the on call doctor, who ordered it right away. I then had to pull my Dad aside, and tell him it was time. Deep down he knew it, but he had been in such denial I think. I treasure the last few moments. I know she herself was ready to let go. She had been ready for a while. But the weight of taking on that responsibility is wearing me down. Anyone else had a similar experience? Thank you.