Anthony9528

HI there, I hope everyone is doing well. Of course, today is Valentine's day, and I'm sure for most of us here, not our favorite holiday. LOL I've been moving along, doing my thing, focused on my goals, and always looking to add new ones. Trying to stay positive even when the negatives sneak attack me. Although, today, out of all days, I really need some advice!! I sense trouble on the horizion and I need your input. So my ex... Since the initial meeting we had a few weeks ago in my last post, I've seen her a few times in the gym. She has come up to talk to me, has told me I looked good, etc.... I never really made a big deal about it and just stayed polite b/c I really didn't want any drama in the gym since that is like my second home. Well, today was different... and granted, I feel I am to blame for starting it.... She was there this morning.... I waved hi and kept going on about my business.... Later on I stopped over to talk to her. I could have avoided doing so but I figured it wouldn't be a big deal. We had some some chit chat and a couple of laughs... But then she asked me if we would ever be able to hang out again and that she missed me. I told her I missed her too b/c, let's be honest, I still do. She texts me later to tell me she really hopes we can be friends and hang out. I told her that would be kinda hard for me b/c I'm still not really over her. She said that she still has feelings for me too.... Which, I'm thinking to myself, ok whatever, that's why you are online dating.... I said well rather than having a text convo I would be happy to get together and talk if she wanted to. She agreed and we will get together after work one day this week. So now, here I am, I'm going to see her face to face and I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing. I'm different now... But the fact is I also still miss her deeply. What do I do? How do I remain strong when the gravity of this is pulling on me so hard. I am hoping we have an open and honest conversation but I also don't want to put too much of myself out there. I can't say right now what I'm hoping to gain from this, if anything. All's I know is I'm scared. What do I do?

Hi everyone! I wanted to give an update b/c it has been a while and something happened this morning that is worth sharing. Plus, I really could use some advice. So, up until this point, I've been doing my own thing. Focusing on myself. Letting time heal me although I do still think about my ex. But it's weird b/c I do still think about her but not in a missing her, I need her near me way.... if that makes any sense. I went to the gym this morning doing my thing and there she was. It was the first time I've seen her since the break, well I saw her the week after to get my stuff but you know what I mean. It will be 2 months this weekend since it ended. I kept debating whether or not to ignore her. But I decided to be the bigger person and I went up to her. I simply said hi, welcome back, we exchanged some quick chit chat and that was it. Then as I was leaving, probably not even 10 minutes later, she texts me to thank me for not making it weird and that she really appreciated it. I texted back and just said no worries, we're cool. She then texted me to say she was glad to hear that and really hopes we can be friends but she will leave that up to me. I didn't respond and deleted the texts. Was it a good move???? I felt that if I did respond, anything I said would not have been better than not responding at all. If she truly wants to be friends, I'm not even sure what that would mean??? Why would she want to be friends with me? I'm glad I approached her and got that initial contact over with. I think if I didn't do it she wouldn't have so I feel good about that. I did feel the wound open up a little but I'm ok. I also felt the pull of wanting to get sucked back in which I'm still currently fighting. I keep reminding myself that she hurt me bad, whether she realized it or not. I know that if I were friends with her, there would always be a part of me that would be bitter. Plus, I also think it would hinder my healing progress. I've come a long way since that emotional day and would hate to regress. So what do you guys think about this?

Hi there!!! I'm here to help too. You were kind enough to respond to my post (thank you for that!!) so you already know my back story. I hate to say this but I think both you and the widow should be apart right now or at least move at a snail's pace. You both need to learn how to be alone with yourselves in order to truly heal from your past experience. Right now each of you have each other to cover the thoughts of the previous relationship but the problem is you both haven't healed from it yet.... Its just a mask, a temporary fix. My ex still hasn't even been divorced a full year yet. When we got together back in July we were in it super fast.... she was talking marriage, I met all of her friends and family, etc. And then ended it in the blink of an eye...... And now she is already back on the dating scene.... I can see now she still missed her ex-husband even though he cheated on her. She wanted me to fill that role. She wanted me to do all of the things they did when they were together.... And after the honeymoon phase wore off (on her bc I still was in love with her) she realized I wasn't like her husband. I'm pretty sure our trip to Puerto Rico proved that. I will never really know for sure b/c then her dad passed away shortly after our return... but if I had to guess I would say the trip was the main killer and her dad passing didn't make things easier. I was like you with your previous relationship... I did anything and everything for my ex. Loved her with all my heart. I backed up my words with actions. I ignored all the warning signs, and there were quite a few, b/c I considered her the love of my life. Love is funny that way... Try to put emotions on the back burner for just a second and think rationally. Make a separate list, one for your old relationship and one for the new potential relationship.... Positives and negatives. I did that for mine and what I realized is that all of the negatives were specific to my ex (didn't show affection, past history, red flags, etc.)..... All of the positives were specific to being in a relationship in general (having someone to do stuff with, someone to hold in bed at night, etc.) I'm sure you get the idea. It was a real eye opener for me.... And though there are a few specific little quirks I still miss about my ex-girlfriend, having those back would not outweigh the negatives, that in the long run, would have eventually probably ended it at some point. Better now than finding out after getting married.

Oh a couple of other things I forgot to mention..... My ex still hasn't been back to the gym which has been a blessing in disguise. I hope she chooses not to go back there but if she does, that's fine. I don't own it and have no right to want to keep her out. If/when she does come back, I will be ready to deal with the situation. Also, I stepped out of my comfort zone on New Year's Eve and went to a friend's house party. It felt so good! I dreaded being alone but the invitation presented itself and I refused to say no. I needed to just do it as opposed to sitting home alone and trapped in my mind. I was able to do a little socializing which I've always had some trouble with in the past but my confidence and self-esteem are slowly growing which helped. I went in there with no expectations and I have to say I'm so glad I did. All of the self improvement I'm doing right now is for me. That is very important!!! Don't do it for someone else, do it for yourself!!! Don't change for someone else. Make changes b/c you want them. My ex told me I'm too affectionate which makes me clingy.... Well, guess what... I'm an affectionate guy. I want my actions to match my words. I will not change that about myself b/c I like that about myself. Affection is just as important to men as it is women (even the tough guys still need affection even though they don't want to admit it). : )

Good morning everyone!! It's so funny b/c I just realized that a little time has passed since my last post and I wanted to give an update only to come on here this morning and see some new posts as well! Thank you so much!!!! Ok, let's begin.... My thoughts might be a little scattered... I have a lot to say. : ) So where did I leave off? Ah, yes, Christmas Eve.... Wow, that was a tough one. Christmas day was as well... I do feel bad that I wasn't able to give my family the attention they deserved and did my best to hide any sorrow I had but they all could tell I was still hurting and they understood, for the most part. Here we are today.... I'm doing much better. I've been very positive these past few weeks. I've been reading a ton of self-help books which I can't believe b/c I was never a big reader. I've been completely focused on myself.... consistent with my diet, hitting the gym religiously, trying to re-connect with old friends, getting involved with my old hobbies, as well as starting some new ones. One of my recent favorites is the speed bag I set up in my basement!!! I've been practicing almost every night for the past several weeks and I've gotten pretty good at it now. Plus, what I stress reliever to repeatedly punch something. LOL!!! No, I'm not picturing my ex's face on the bag.... stop that! Well, ok, maybe once, twice, or a few times..... LOL I have to say I'm not the person I was several weeks ago.... Oh, how I still remember the day.... I'm better!!!! I'm extremely motivated, feeling positive, and focused. When those negative thoughts creep on in to my mind, I fight them off like a ninja. It's only been a little over a month since the break and I'm working towards the future. A future without my ex. The old me accepted a lot of things about that relationship that I wasn't comfortable with.... The new me realizes she is not the one for me. I'm still nowhere near ready to date and that's ok. Well, I shouldn't say not ready, more like not willing. I want to be completely healed within myself and be comfortable to put forth the effort that a relationship requires. I choose not to start another relationship until I know I can give it my all. That wouldn't be fair to the other person. I do miss sex though.... LOL So, I've been guilty at still trying to look at my ex's Facebook page even though I un-friended her and blocked her. Yes, there are still ways around it to get to her profile pic, believe me, I know and have done it..... But, guess what???? Something happened just yesterday that has helped me move on a little more. So, I was on one of the dating websites just doing random searches (probably in preparation for my future self) and who did I find??? My ex-girlfriend!! She is already up and running on the dating scene. Of course, I was shocked.... but then I realized... Why? If that's what she needs to do then I hope she is able to find happiness. I almost feel sorry and wish I could help her heal. To go through a divorce, then have a bunch of hook-ups, then have a relationship with me, then have your father pass away all in a matter of less than a year, that has to be hard on anyone.... And to now be out dating again.... Well, maybe she is stronger than I think she is... and, if so, I give her credit. All I can do and continue to do is focus on me, my thoughts, and being a better person in this world. The rest will all fall in to place. Things happen for a reason. I am thankful for my past as I am now prepared for a better future! Anyone that reads this, please continue to post, please add your stories and comments. I am here to listen and help in any way!!!!!

Thank you both. Your support has definitely helped these past weeks. I cant believe will already be a month this Sunday.

Its Christmas eve and even though im with family right now, i miss her. I miss her so much. I havent missed her this much in a while. It will be a month this Sunday. No word from her, not that I expect to hear from her... I wish she would reach out to me.

Ugh, rough day today..... I'm missing her so bad today. Can't help but cry... I was doing so good too.... It just came out of nowhere and I can't shake it. The holidays really aren't helping either. I wish I had some Christmas spirit. I love this holiday and now I feel like I'm gonna miss out on it this year. I don't even want to get in to talking about New Years...... I'm trying my hardest to stay positive but today I'm hurting horribly.

So the hat that I ordered for my ex prior to our break up arrived.... And I decided after my recent heartache I would not give her the gift and that she didn't deserve it. So I open up the package to see what I had ordered and was like "wow, this hat is perfect for her. It is so her. She would love it." She loves wearing silly winter hats and this one that I got for her was perfect..... Unfortunately, I still can't give it to her b/c of any possible issues that may occur or how she would read my intentions. She clearly is trying to avoid me as she has not been to the gym now for almost 2 weeks. For me, to send this gift to her I see as only causing trouble. But yet, I want her to have it so bad..... It's weird that after all the pain I've suffered over these past 2 weeks, I am still willing to give. I'm not sure why.... Ugh, I wish I could give it to her. I know she would smile. I want her to smile even though I am suffering.

Oh, and just a few more points too... As time goes by, it will get a little easier, not a lot but a little and that makes a difference. When I hear my phone go off with a text I'm still hoping its her and when its not, I don't get as upset as I did a week ago. I still have not seen her in the gym.... She has chosen to stay away.... at least for now. Part of me would like to think the reason is b/c she is realizing she made a terrible mistake in letting me go and now can not look at me.... LOL But whatever the reason, it has been a good thing. No contact is definitely helping me come to terms with everything. I know if/when she does return back to her normal schedule that will be tough for me but I know I will be strong enough to handle it. If, in the future, she does tell me she wants to try again, she will have to earn my trust. I don't know how but after the pain I've been through it will be hard for me to just forget that. I don't have the false hope that everything will go back to normal as I once did several days ago, I think Saturday's event killed that which I believe was the best thing for me to see. But, you never know what the future holds.

Thank you for your story!! Its been a few days since I responded and after reading your post it felt like a good time for me to give an update as well as try and help you. Ok, so let's see.... My last post was about when I picked up my stuff this past Saturday.... Wow, still a bit of a shocking experience. My heart broke again that today. I have not heard from my ex since then and I also have not texted her. Yes, I still ache for her and wonder what she is doing but I'm starting to value myself more than I did a week ago.... and, let me just remind you, if you go back and read my first post, I was a freakin mess!!!! I never felt emotional pain like that. I still at times do try to analyze the relationship and situation... what I might have done wrong, should I have been more assertive, etc.... Listen, you can't do that.... Nothing can change the events that have now happened and you trying to change yourself or apologize for something you may have or have not done is not right. You are better than that! Since my breakup, I've been doing a lot of reading.... which I will admit, was something I rarely did. I wholeheartedly suggest you start reading the book "getting past your breakup" by susan j elliott. That is definitely helping me. At least in your situation, you are not officially broken up but it kinda sounds like you know in your heart that you already are. I advise you, please go no-contact!!! It will be the hardest thing to do, especially in the beginning, but it is the best option. I broke down by the 3rd day and texted her and didn't really get the response I'd hoped for. I'm sure you saw that in my earlier posts. Also, Facebook - if you use it, stop!!!!!!!! I was checking it constantly!!! And then the minute my ex posted her beautifully lit Christmas tree that Saturday night was when I drew the line and un-friended her and I haven't looked her up on Facebook since. Now, in my situation, there were things I purposely overlooked about my ex that were warning signs from the beginning. Love can do that. Thinking rationally about things, I can see a bit more clearly. In that book I referenced. you are asked to make lists.... positives and negatives about a few different categories. That helped me tremendously!!! It gives you a better sense of the relationship that once was b/c whatever relationship you and your boyfriend have from this point on will be different. You are both forever changed. Now, I'm not saying I'm the greatest guy by any means, but in my defense of any shortcomings, I did everything for my ex. There was nothing I wouldn't have done. I treated her with respect, tenderness, compassion and love. Maybe this was my downfall in the end. Maybe that was too overwhelming for her. I will never know the truth. All I can say is I gave it everything I had and that is something I can be proud of. I'm not gonna lie. The pain will be unbearable. I am still not at a full night sleep. Do I still miss her? HECK YEAH!!!! But it's important to realize your value!!!!!! Please post back to tell me how you are doing. Everyone on here has helped me and we will try to do the same for you! I know you feel alone but trust me you are not!!

Well its officially over. What i experienced today was horrible. So i texted my ex to see if i can get my stuff today before heading to my friends house. I figured to get it over with instead of waiting til tomorrow. She texted me back and said sure come over..... I go over there and it was like she was having a party. All her friends were there and putting up the christmas tree having a great time. Its like i never existed.... She showed no feeling what so ever. My heart broke again today. You would think she would have the decency to spare me that scene but i guess not. I guess in a way it was good that i saw it. Still hurt so bad. It also made me decide that she does not deserve the gift i was going to send her. How could she do that to me? It didnt seem like her father's death mattered much either..... It hasnt even been a full week but i guess the person ending the relationship always has the easier time moving on. I am still in shock... How could i have loved someone like this? What also sucks is im jealous she was able to move on so fast and im struggling to make it thru each day.....

Quick update of this evening.... I managed to shake the negativity that was holding me down a little while ago. I even had a brief cry which hadnt happened in the past day or so. It came unexpectedly.... Im all good now. I started reading the book "getting past your breakup" by susan j elliott. I highly recommend this to anyone experiencing the same pain. Its definitely helping!!

This is going to be a long night.... First Friday night alone without my ex. I have plenty to keep me busy but she is still constantly on my mind. I wish i lived closer to my family... Being in CT and they in NY, its not like I can just pop over. I do have friends but they have their own families to tend to. Its hard being 40 and single when the majority of who know are settled down. I know I will manage thru tonight but boy does it really suck!!!! I do still wonder what she is doing and how she is feeling, especially with her dad passing. Oh well... Ugh... I wish I had some motivation to do something.... Anything.... I know i control this feeling but right now im just blah, void of any desire to do anything but sit here.... As I mentioned earlier.... This sucks!!!!!!!

Thank you! Unfortunately, this morning I had a little setback. Feeling pretty sad at the moment and missing her bad. I hope to shake this feeling at some point soon throughout today. My rational thinking and feeling driven thinking are constantly fighting with each other. Looks like my feelings won this latest round. : (