Hi Anthony9528,
Thank you SO MUCH for this post. I have identified and continue reading as you update, and its been so helpful to know I am not alone in this sort of situation. I am going through something remarkably similar at this very moment.
My boyfriend (I think?) and I have only been dating for about 2-3 months, but things moved VERY quickly. I really felt an almost fateful connection with him, and knew that we were definitely heading somewhere. We spent a lot of time together, there were complications from the start about constraints that might have impeded the relationship, but we worked around those- he was so grateful (and vocal) about how I had adapted, how much he cared about me and how he had not even been near a relationship in years. It seemed from what he said that I was different, and that I made him happy, and we were communicating about how to best move forward.
I had so much fun with him, we were falling in love and it was crazy but wonderful. I was completely in love before Thanksgiving, which was scary to me because it was fast. I got overwhelmed from time to time (I am an emotional pisces), but things were really good... I say this last bit because now, in my late night obsessions, I think things I should never have been upset about or if I was (in his mind) too crazy, etc etc etc self loathing and doubt....
His father passed away suddenly 10 days ago. He is in so much pain, his life has changed so dramatically and now he has to take over for a big family in a lot of critical ways. All I wanted to do was help, and at first it seemed he wanted my help. I was staying at his house with his family, I confirmed many times that I was invited and that I was not going to push myself on him if he did not want me there-- he assured me, he did. I was there for him to do menial stuff, help his family with things like rides or company or supplies, I was there are a comfort (both emotionally and physically), and I really was trying to do my best to be as supportive as possible. He told me that he loved me and needed me, and I told him I loved him too. But, I was also scared by the love declarations because I feared they couldn't be sincere (this is also based on my own stuff). I said so.
I should have kept my mouth shut on it. I should never have questioned him on anything, any of his actions. But his family was also there, and sometimes they seemed (and vocalized) relying on me to help steer him down the best path. His family said things such as "you are really just a little angel sent to help," etc. Granted, he never said anything like that. But it didn't seem like the best way forward was to be an all supportive, don't offer advice, don't talk about things situation. Clearly, I misread that.
Then, I left his house. It was a Tuesday, and the funeral was coming that weekend- I inquired about when he wanted to see me again or how I could help. I emphasized that I wanted to be there when he wanted me around, and was clearly insecure about it. He said maybe Thursday, or Friday, but not the night after the funeral because "he didn't want me to see him like that." It was going to be a big party, but even at that point he said he didn't want me to be there. But after Tuesday, he really backed the hell off. I keep thinking if when I said this or that, if then was the moment I "lost" him. For instance, when he said please just don't analyze anything I say, nothing I say means anything because I have lost my mind, and I responded emotionally that he should watch out throwing l-bombs around (wasn't angry but still), cause its kinda live amo. HUGE mistake, I regret it immensely, though now there is no way for me to apologize.
I texted a couple of times, he was clearly pulling away and never responded to any of my apologies and offers to help and promises and declarations of affection and good intention. No response. Went to the funeral with a friend, he was very cold and dismissive at first, but I didn't leave when my friend did and stood with him. Things seemed to get more comfortable, and I held his hand every now and again (at first, he pulled away though). I see now that he was trying not to hurt me. He was inviting everyone to the party, but kept saying he didn't think he wanted me there because of how he was going to act. Eventually, he said "it might be irreversible" which I took to mean too scary that I run, but now understand it to be "I might dump you." He said he would call and let me know, I left and mouthed that I loved him, he looked at me with this intense longing and said thanks for coming.
He texted that I shouldn't come. I freaked, sent a couple emotional texts, no response. That was Saturday, and I said I would give him space, and I have not heard a word since. I am expecting a call later this week with a break up, and I am HEARTBROKEN but feel completely unjustified. I hate him and love him and then hate him again. I miss him so much, and want to be there for him more than anything. Sometimes, I feel passionately vindictive that he threw me away, but then hate myself because he can't be blamed, he can't be rational right now, and I am just not that important. I'm important in my head, but not in his.
I'm respecting his wishes and I've disappeared. Haven't been in contact since that night. Does this bode well for me? I DO have distant hopes he won't dump me, just say that he needs more time or he wants to still see me but take it slow and easy. But I don't think so. Should I give up hope? Is there something I can do? or Anthony, is there something that has made it easier to cope as time goes on? I am terrified I am going to be just in a panicked, depressed, heartbroken limbo forever, completely paralyzed and powerless to do anything to help anyone, myself or him. How can I not be selfish, and how can I sustain being forgiving that he is in the process of throwing me away?
I apologize for going on so long about myself.... I obviously have self-absorbed issues.... thanks for reading if you got this far
